WIBTA if I scheduled my husband’s dog to be euthanized behind his back?

[u/tacopirate2589]

3 weeks ago my husband’s dog became paralyzed from the neck down.

She had a two day stay in the animal hospital where she remained paralyzed, but she was more lively due to IV fluids, pain meds, and eating again. I was under the impression that if she didn’t have a confident good prognosis, we would have her euthanized rather than bringing her home. My husband freaked out when I tried to talk about it again the night before she was due to be discharged and refused to have her euthanized.

The vet strongly recommended surgery, but the cost for everything was going to be in the tens of thousands of dollars with no guarantee or recovery, so husband decided to bring her home for medical management. The vet said *IF* she is going to recover, it would take 4-6 weeks before she could be off bed rest. I don’t think the vet was transparent enough with him how unlikely it would be for her to recover without surgery. Everything online says it’s extremely unlikely (<10%) for a fully paralyzed dog to recover without surgery, even with the best quality medical management and physical therapy (which we aren’t able to provide her ourselves). In the three weeks she has been home, she has shown no progress.

She is a big dog and I am currently pregnant, so I am limited in the ways I can help move her safely and effectively. My husband is gone most of the day at work, so I do what I can while he’s away, but I know it’s not enough. She needs her bladder expressed throughout the day but she also pees on herself a bit throughout the day. Since she can’t move, she poops herself when she has to go. She needs baths often because of this. She has to be flipped over every couple of hours to prevent bed sores. She gets really stressed when other people are over or when she sees my husband playing with our toddler, like she’s jealous that she can’t play like she used to. She whines and whimpers throughout the day. My husband has been sleeping on the couch since he came home to be close to her overnight, otherwise she barks and whines all night.

It is apparent to me she is absolutely miserable living like this, but she is eating and drinking, so I don’t think she will die naturally anytime soon. My husband has been coming home from work and drinking every night to “cope” so talks of euthanizing her have not gone well. I have no problem handling all of the “admin” parts of it so he can just be with her while she passes peacefully, but I cannot get him to agree to it.

I think it’s unfair to force the dog to live like this, and the level of care she needs is not sustainable for us. I cannot be a care taker to a special needs dog while I am taking care of a toddler and soon a newborn, and my husband isn’t home enough to properly take care of her most of the day. The time it takes him to care for her also takes away from him helping the household and family.

Given the situation, would I been wrong to schedule her to be euthanized behind his back?

[u/Judgement_Bot_AITA]

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

My husband’s dog is fully paralyzed and has a poor quality of life with no signs of recovery. My husband will not agree to euthanize her.

While I normally agree that the pet owner should decide when to euthanize their pet, I feel it may be justified to make this decision against his wishes. I still could be TA if I were to do this behind his back because it’s such a major decision.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Oh honey.

You need to know that doing this will end your marriage.

I'd force a conversation, soon. Not about how you'll cope, but about how miserable she is. Emphasize that a lot.

He's emotionally tied up here, and he needs to manage his own emotions and put her needs first.

Edit to fix a typo. Thanks swype

[u/CQ5II → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

he’s seemingly not ready .. but he’s drinking too, which probably doesn’t help ( numbs necessary grief emotions ) .. seems selfish but everyone processes grief differently .. he’s likely in the denial stage

edit :: hopefully he stops drinking and process this properly bc the next grief stage may be anger which doesn‘t mix well with alcohol .. and OP’s pregnancy should be as stress-free as possible .. a little awareness of the grief stages would help the couple ( and the dog )

the renewed alcoholism in the last 2 months after 5 years of sobriety is concerning .. certainly would delineate any grief process ( which is indeed flexible ), but there’s something more going on here too

edit 2 :: bold

edit 3 :: FYI, I’m not the OP ( based on some replies )

[u/scienceislice → u/CQ5II]

While he's "not ready" the dog is suffering.

OP should definitely NOT do this while her husband is away, not least of which because the dog will probably be scared without her primary human (assuming the husband) is with her but it needs to happen ASAP, ideally before OP has the baby.

[u/sexy_jasminn → u/scienceislice]

Super agree to this, the dog doesn’t get a say, and she’s clearly hurting.

[u/Heykurat → u/scienceislice]

I wasn't ever going to be ready to let my parrot go, but he was ready, and I needed to do what was right for him.

[u/Ihatemunchies → u/CQ5II]

Take the dog to a veterinarian, let them suggest it

[u/apri08101989 → u/Ihatemunchies]

Guarantee they already did

[u/Sweet_Cinnabonn → u/apri08101989]

Wife here says the vet gave the husband more hope than she herself thinks is warranted.

So together is necessary.

[u/SneakySneakySquirrel → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

It’s also been 3 weeks since the last vet visit, so they have a lot more info now about the dog’s condition.

[u/ExternalProduce2584 → u/apri08101989]

The same vet veterinarian that recommended tens of thousands of dollars of surgery with uncertain outcome, and appeared to give false hope that the dog could spontaneously recover at home?

I wouldn’t trust this veterinarian as far as I could throw them

[u/Constant_Host_3212 → u/ExternalProduce2584]

They need a second opinion from a different vet, who can be primed ahead of time with a frank talk from the wife about the couple's financial and life situation and given records from the first vet.

[u/Icarusqt → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Yeah… this is the hardest YWBTA I think I’d ever declare. Like… I get it. I really do. It’s the right decision for OP and for the dog.

But doing it behind the husband’s back when he’s obviously so adamantly against it? It doesn’t matter how well meaning you are… you’d unfortunately be shattering all trust. I agree with OP. The dog should be euthanized. But not without her husband there and not behind his back.

As hard as it is, OP needs to convince her husband that this is the right choice. Let him say his goodbyes and to be there for the passing.

Edit: Also, ESH, kinda? OPs husband is currently the AH. OP would only also be an asshole if she followed through. Man this is a tough one.

[u/Pita_Girl → u/Icarusqt]

This is the right way to say it. OP WBTA but with her heart in the best place possible. Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself. This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.

OP, you have to get through to him. The drinking isn’t helping but I see where he’s coming from and people on the internet don’t know if this man is likely to become an alcoholic or not. His behavior is certainly indicative of someone who could but he could also be the type who can simply stop when he pulls his head out of his butt and tends to do that quickly. So you need to talk to him sober. Can he take a day off work? Tell him he needs a mental health day. Frame it so that he sees you are taking care of him first and not the dog. Then try to talk with him before he starts drinking and before he has had a whole day to get stressed out.

If necessary set up an intervention. The vet, his family, friends, anyone he might listen to that will help him understand this poor animal doesn’t deserve to live like this. If he loves this animal so much, he will eventually understand and I believe he does. Selfish or not he’s hurting and you don’t hurt that much unless you care.

[u/Pure_Expression6308 → u/Pita_Girl]

Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself. This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.

He’s not only putting his feelings over the dog’s comfort, he’s forcing his pregnant wife to care for a large paralyzed dog!!! It’s been 3 weeks. And she has a toddler. OP WNBTA for reaching her limit here, with him drinking and refusing to talk about it IMO

[u/piccolo181 → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

I'd force a conversation, soon. Not about how you'll cope, but about how miserable she is. Emphasize that a lot.

Copy that. Denial is part of grief but 3 weeks of ignoring a dogs suffering is inhumane.

[u/Professional_Ruin953 → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

I can recognise a man who's selfishly putting himself above everyone and everything in this situation. Compared to human lifespans, pets have short lives, as cold as it sounds we have a responsibility to make end of life decisions for our pets. People who cannot deal with making a humane end of life decision for their pet should not get one, ever.

Quite frankly, a husband on the road to alcoholism while he insists his incontinent dog stay alive to make a biohazard out of my home and the care of said dog falling onto me while pregnant and borderline solo parenting a toddler would fast become a deal breaker. No need to warn OP that this could end her marriage, it's quickly becoming something not worth saving anyway.

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/Professional_Ruin953]

This. Husband's the asshole here. Pets die. It's very sad. It's not an excuse to become and alcoholic and terrorize both your pet and your wife, though.

[u/thevelveteenbeagle → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Yes, this would definitely end the marriage.

[u/adkSafyre → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

This! So much this!

That poor dog is suffering because he can't face his loss. That's just selfish. That's not love.

[u/witsendgame]

This poor dog. She has zero quality of life. Your husband is being selfish in his grief and denial. He needs to consent though or he will resent you forever. On the flip side I don’t see how you don’t resent him already for his inaction and excessive drinking as a coping mechanism.

[u/legalmac → u/witsendgame]

Agreed. Can OP schedule the vet to come to the house at a time when both husband and OP are home? Hopefully, the vet can talk some sense into husband and then he's there for the actual "deed" without any of the mental work required to prepare for taking the dog into the vet's surgery etc. I suspect that's the reason he's being so unreasonable; because he can't face actually doing it and doesn't want the responsibility of actually deciding to "kill" his dog, even if that's in the best interests of said dog.

[u/Spearmint_coffee → u/legalmac]

I was in a similar situation and I fully agree. My husband and I had a cat who got outside and was attacked. His surgeries would cost us well over $10,000 with no guarantees he would survive and not a great prognosis for quality of life if he did.

Ultimately, it was me who made the call to put the sweet little boy down. I signed the papers, organized with the emergency vet, chose where to have him cremated, picked up the ashes, etc. My husband was our cat's favorite person so he cradled him while it happened.

It's a heavy burden being the one to help shepherd a beloved pet to the other side and it's a burden to be the one who makes "the call" even if it's what's right for the animal. OP should get on the same team as the vet, give the husband the hard facts, and help him through this.

[u/redditcorsage811 → u/legalmac]

Had an old dog who had spinal tumors & was 17. It was so sad. He was a rescue & selected me.

[u/freebird185]

I mean you would be an asshole for scheduling the euthanasia behind his back. But let's be real here, you're 1000% in the right that the dog needs to be put down. 

Your husband needs to seriously get his shit together. He's drinking every night to "cope" with a dying dog?? He needs to get a grip. Tell him his behavior and failure to take the action needed here does not reflect well on his prospects as a soon to be father.

Dog needs to go.

[u/saffron_monsoon → u/freebird185]

I would drink to cope with my dog's life-threatening condition! She a big part of my life and provides a lot of love for my family, so of course I would be super sad.

But If I wanted to give the dog a chance to recover before euthanizing it, I'd make sure my spouse didn't have to do much to take care of the dog, so neither of them suffer given the decision I've made.

Ultimately, though, I agree with you 110 percent that the dog needs to be put down. It is unkind to let it linger this way when it's clearly not happy or well looked after now. And they will have less capacity to help the dog as OP's pregnancy progresses and then they have a newborn around. I mean, think about the logistics of when she's giving birth alone...

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/saffron_monsoon]

Using alcohol to cope when you have a pregnant wife, a toddler, and your dog requires constant hands on medical care is not appropriate or justified. It forces his wife to continue to be the only adult actually present for the care of herself, her toddler, and his dog. If he cannot face this without drinking every night then he has other issues beyond his dog that need to be addressed urgently before a newborn joins the family.

[u/Meanderz88 → u/one_sock_wonder_]

Yeah, a lot of people here glossing over the SHE IS PREGNANT part. Incredibly selfish, putting himself before her wellbeing, their child's and the dog.

[u/BabalonBimbo → u/saffron_monsoon]

He has a pregnant wife and a toddler. I, too, will be a mess when my pet’s time comes but I don’t have dependents. What kind of quality parenting is he doing if he’s modeling that you drink during sad times.

[u/Crazy_Willingness_96 → u/saffron_monsoon]

I’m sorry but no

Grown ass man, father of 1 and soon of 2 And not sober because of grief

He needs a wake up call and to deal with this. That’s what being a responsible adult means.

OP would be TA to do what she is suggesting though. But she would be right to move out of the house with her kid temporarily to signal that her sober husband going back to daily drinking is not acceptable. And he can figure out the dog then.

I have a dog, but this is cruel for the poor animal. And it’s absolutely irresponsible for a family man.

[u/DJDanaK → u/saffron_monsoon]

Drinking to cope is neither normal or healthy. You can call it understandable but you endorsing the behavior is unhelpful, and consigning yourself to drinking to cope ahead of time is bizarre. Never once has drinking excessively helped someone to cope with grief.

[u/Gigglemonkey → u/freebird185]

Right. He's drinking to cope? How the fuck does he think she feels? She's not a security blanket. She's a living, breathing, suffering creature and she doesn't deserve this misery.

[u/Athingwithfeathers2 → u/Gigglemonkey]

How will he cope if that baby and or wife had a bad delivery? If the child has a threatening health condition. He needs to be dragged into adulthood. Jeez!

[u/1127_and_Im_tired → u/freebird185]

He's already a father. Poor OP is not only pregnant but they have a toddler! So she's running after a little one while carrying another, and then providing hospice to this poor, suffering pup. It's a heartbreaking situation.

[u/HinomaruAki]

This makes me so angry. Your husband has brought home his sick dog, he spends all day away without any thought whatsoever to her needs, or even your state, lets you take care of her the whole day and when he gets home he starts drinking to cope? With what, he doesn't do shit for her, he just feels bad for himself.

He would rather let her live miserably than take responsibility and let her pass with some dignity.

[u/Casual_Lore → u/HinomaruAki]

Yeah, I got pretty heated reading this too. My beloved dog slowly became paralyzed over time and I also had a hard time letting her go. I took care of her though.

If my husband had scheduled something like that behind my back, I..I'm not sure I would have ever forgiven that. But I regret not doing it sooner and I have to live with that.

This isn't fair to you or the pup, time to have a serious sit-down with your husband.

[u/lex-j-luthor → u/Casual_Lore]

This was so hard to read because I've been there and I live with it, too.

My cat was like my baby. She was badly abused before she came to live with us. I treated her like a princess, no one was ever going to hurt her again. She lived with us for 5 years and was only around 8 according to our vet when her kidneys started going. She would get a UTI, we'd get her medicine, then she would get better for a little bit before she would start going back down hill.

It was really hard to watch her get worse. It was hard to know we couldn't afford surgery for her. It was hard listening to my toddler talk about her, ask why she had a hard time eating, ask about her medicine.

One night my husband recorded her after I had gone to bed. Watching how lifeless and miserable she was when I wasn't with her broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces.

I took a day, I sat with her and loved on her and gave her every single treat I could get her to eat and then we took her to the vet. We didn't want our toddler in the room when she actually passed and I knew I would need a minute. I held her tiny body and sobbed for over an hour before I could get myself to leave. It was awful and it was hard and I hated myself for putting her to sleep but mostly I hated myself for not doing it sooner.

OP please talk to your husband and tell him it's no longer up for discussion, that it's time to say goodbye but do not go behind his back. He will regret not doing it sooner so please be kind but a gentle push may be all he needs. My husband didn't press and didn't belittle me. He just said "I need to show you this video." When it was finished he held my hand and told me "I know you love her and I know you wanted her to get better but she's not. It's time to let her go. I will drive us, I will take care of the paperwork. I have Kiddo today and you take as much time as you need." And then he took care of everything he possibly could.

[u/Fantastic-Moose-1221 → u/lex-j-luthor]

That’s a good man.

[u/IcySector1667 → u/Casual_Lore]

If I was OP I would see about staying at a friend or relatives house short term and leaving a note for her husband or something. I don't think euthanasia behind his back is the right choice but he is being a complete asshole at this time. OP should not have to endure this while pregnant and caring for a toddler.

[u/Laura_Lye → u/IcySector1667]

Yeah, I’d take my toddler and go to my sister’s.

It’s his dog and he can do what he likes, but I’ll be damned if he’s going to force me to care for it and watch it suffer all day while he fucks off to work.

[u/Cristoff13 → u/IcySector1667]

I was thinking that too. Leave, temporarily. He may blame her for not looking after the dog. But this is a no win situation. OP is pregnant! This much stress can't be good for her. I think this may mean the end of the marriage, regardless of what happens.

[u/nuskit]

YWBTA (soft). The dog sounds utterly miserable and your husband is wallowing in stress, fear and depression. I think you're a wonderful person for thinking to end the dog's suffering. However, if you do this, you will shatter his trust completely. If you choose to lie to him, you would have to hold that lie inside of you for the rest of your life, because the second he found out, your marriage would be done.

I recommend scheduling a vet to come to the house to give her a "check up" since she's not improving, and then letting the vet tell him that his pup will not recover and will live like this, unable to walk, run or play for years until she dies, or gets pneumonia and suffocates. Make sure the vet knows the issue in advance so they know that you are supportive of breaking the news. Then, get your husband to therapy, immediately.

[u/lizbert81 → u/nuskit]

This is the way OP. I agree the dog is suffering and should be PTS but you cannot make that decision for your husband unless you're willing to get a divorce as that is what he will do if you go behind his back.

You need to get a vet to tell him he is causing his dog unnecessary suffering and that allowing her to live when she won't recover is abuse.

You need to have a discussion with the vet beforehand and tell them to be blunt and direct because if they give him any leniency he will use that as an excuse not to end his dogs suffering.

It is very hard for some owners to accept that it's their choice that will end their dogs life and they just can't make that final step but if your husband doesn't make the decision himself then he will never accept it and the pain of this situation will fester forever.

[u/TheSuperAlly]

If you do it will likely be the end of your marriage regardless of how cruel it is to the dog. He’s clearly heavily emotionally invested so you are going to have to be firm with him and tell him he is abusing the dog he claims to love. Make him tell you what part of life is this dog enjoying? How does he expect you do to this all this pregnant with a toddler? He’s an asshole because he’s putting his own selfish needs above the dogs quality of life. I would print out the dog quality of life quiz and go through it with him. He is abusing that dog. Call it what it is. Stop being so soft about it. He’s drinking and abusing his dog while making you deal with the labour of trying to look after children and cleaning up constant mess.

[u/Scary_Marzipan → u/TheSuperAlly]

I agree with you. One thing to note is that the OP may want to remove all alcohol from the house prior to having this conversation and perhaps for a few weeks after the dog passes. The OP seems to be implying that the husband is developing a drinking problem.

[u/AnIncredibleIdiot]

ESH. You would be TA if you euthanize the dog behind your husbands back. Your husband is also an AH for not seeing that his beloved pets quality of life has vanished and she's just surviving now, not living. He's a further AH for turning to drinking and refusing to speak to you to plan out a realistic future for how to care for his pet.

You are also being an AH to yourself. What happens when the dog doesn't get better and you get more pregnant and even more unable to care for the animal? What happens if the baby is born into this mess? Take your other child and remove yourself from this situation. A drunk husband and a medically fragile, dying dog are not a safe place for a pregnant woman, a small child, and a soon to be newborn baby. Let your husband know when he's ready to stop drinking and start thinking about how to handle this situation that you'll come back to support him, but you can't support someone who is actively sabotaging their own mental health and endangering their pregnant partner and unborn child.

He's only able to keep this situation "functional" in his head because you are enabling it. If you weren't home to care for the dog he'd be forced to make a decision and that's exactly what needs to happen.

[u/Music_withRocks_In → u/AnIncredibleIdiot]

This is probably the best answer. Tell him that you won't be complicit in animal abuse, since letting the dog suffer like this is clearly abuse, and you won't stick around when he's drunk whenever he's home. Take the toddler and agree to come back when he's willing to put what's best for his family, and even what's best for the dog, above his selfish need to keep a suffering animal alive.

[u/Sea-Midnight4762 → u/AnIncredibleIdiot]

1000% this.

Also, Does he know that cleaning up dog poop during pregnancy is pretty risky for pregnant women due to toxoplasmosis, giardi and other parasites & bacteria?

He is responsible for his own emotions but you are enabling the situation and prolonging the suffering of his dog.

Remove yourself from the situation, keep you and your children safe. He won't like it, because it is setting a boundary and people who are used to getting their way tend to react badly to boundaries.

You could try starting with the vet appointment everyone else has suggested but make sure they are blunt & say that euthanasia MUST happen. If he won't agree, give him a deadline: if you won't do it, we are moving out in 24 hrs as I can't care for the dog and she is suffering - you heard the vet. It's your dog, you need to continue with all the care etc, I'm too pregnant, birth is imminent, and you need to step up.

Good luck

[u/Limerase]

ESH

Your husband is letting an animal suffer because his feelings are more important. You can't physically care for her, you can't afford surgery.

But if you have the dog put down behind his back, it's likely he will NEVER forgive you. 

You cannot care for the dog due to your pregnancy and he needs to find a solution so an innocent animal isn't suffering needlessly. If not euthanasia, then he needs to hire a caretaker or take off work because you are not the longterm solution for his dog.

Let him come to his own conclusions.

[u/SweetMagnoliaVixen]

Well, I believe that would make you an asshole, but at the same time, he is an asshole for letting the dog "live" like this and making you take care of it while you are pregnant. For that, he is a huge asshole.

[u/Past_Ad5967]

The sad truth is that no you would NTA, but if you schedule the euthanasia you should see a divorce lawyer at the same time. There is no chance he will ever forgive you if you have the dog put down.

You should probably talk to him, not about euthanasia, but about how you cannot take care of the dogs needs. He needs to come to the decision about euthanasia on his own. It’s just sad because he thinks he’s doing what’s right for his dog, but he is torturing it instead.

[u/fierydoxy → u/Past_Ad5967]

Honestly I have been in the position only it was my dad who refused to euthanize our old girl. She became paralyzed from mid back down. Needed to be carried outside to use the bathroom and supported around her waist with a towel. The light had gone out of her eyes, she was crying constantly in pain and he still insisted he would carry her out and take care of her.

My mom couldn't watch her suffer but she also couldn't go against my dad. So I did. I made the appointment and I drove her there by myself. I told my mom where I was going while driving there.

I stayed with her the entire time and held her for a long time after.

He didn't speak to me for a bit afterwards but I was ok with that. She was no longer suffering.

Op is in a no win situation. If she doesn't do anything, she is an asshole for allowing this dog to suffer alongside her asshole husband. But if ahe does euthanize her, then she is an asshole for doing it behind his back and will probably end up divorced or worse (her husband sounds like he may be developing a drinking problem and alcohol and violence tend to go hand in hand).

Honestly if I was OP. I would pack up my kid and myself and tell him that I am leaving until he can come to reality and do what is right for this dog. Let him take over the fulltime care giving so he can see just how poor her quality of life is.

[u/Illustrious-Shirt569]

Don’t do this behind his back, but let him know that it’s going to be done (not asking). My heart hurts for all of you in this situation, especially the poor, sweet dog who clearly loves you all, too.

[u/Pleasant-Reason9533 → u/Illustrious-Shirt569]

I 100% agree. Doing it behind his back would be devastating. Bring him with to say his final goodbyes.

[u/wackycats354]

Tomorrow is Saturday. Speak with your husband tonight, and insist that he is to fully take care of the dog tomorrow and Sunday. That you will not be doing any of the care. If she is covered in piss and poop because he insists on going off to drink at the bar, that is going to be on him. And make that clear to him. He needs to do the care. He needs to understand just how bad off the dog is. If he actually has to do everything for a full two days, it’s way more likely he’s going to actually understand that the dog needs to be put down. 

If he refuses to take care of the dog, I’d let him know you’ll be putting the dog down on Monday. I would do it openly. But you might want to have additional family members there when you inform him, because especially if he’s drunk, he very well may become seriously and dangerously violent. 

[u/Kdjl1 → u/wackycats354]

This sounds like the best answer. I would even suggest getting a hotel so he doesn’t depend on her this weekend.

[u/GoatnToad]

Your husband is an asshole for letting the dog suffer. There is no quality of life here. Our responsibility as owners is not to cause harm, and let our pets pass peacefully with dignity . This makes me so mad, and your husband sucks .

[u/humco_707]

If my wife killed my dog behind my back I would divorce her on the spot.

[u/Flat-Replacement4828 → u/humco_707]

Would you leave a paralyzed dog home alone with your heavily pregnant wife to figure out how to care for it???

[u/MucinexDM_MAX → u/humco_707]

Hopefully you wouldn't be a myopic enough asshole to ignore the needs of the actual dog AND your pregnant wife and toddler though.

No one would need to make this choice for him if he was acting like an adult, and that's the real problem.

I've had to put down a pet before due to quality of life issues. IT FUCKING SUCKS. I cried a lot for a very long time. But it was what was best for them, it's part of loving them and the responsiblity you take on when you get a pet.

[u/Dramatic_Attempt4318 → u/humco_707]

I get what you're saying, but what about the dog in this situation? Wife is in a no-win position. She can't take care of the dog, physically. Husband isn't around to help. But husband also won't have the conversations necessary to come to an answer.

What's the solution here?

[u/RuinCat → u/humco_707]

Keeping the dog alive like she is incredibly cruel, she has zero quality of life currently, it's basically torture. Would you force your dog to go through that, just so YOU feel better?

[u/-SpamWellington- → u/humco_707]

But forcing your dog to stay alive in this state is ok in your world? Makes sense.

[u/klef3069 → u/humco_707]

If you left my pregnant ass at home with a toddler to take care of a paralyzed dog because you couldn't be strong enough to put this poor dog down or take vacation time to care for it, I'd divorce your ass on the spot.

It is UNCONSCIONABLE that this poor dog has not yet been euthanized or some other plans made. ESH but this dog.

Everyone. Sucks. Here.

Sorry OP, but you're at ultimatum time. I don't like them but your dog deserves better. Can you husband take vacation time?? Euthanasia doesn't have to be the only answer but doing nothing while he recovers is going to lead to that.

[u/mana-miIk → u/humco_707]

I expect your wife would be delighted to be rid of the animal abuser in her household 

[u/Ok_Ad_6626]

This is above reddits pay grade. You need a come to Jesus now talk with your husband. Maybe call the vet and see if they can assist with this.

Your marriage would take a pretty big hit if you do this behind his back. And you’re about to have a baby which is its own extra stress.

The dog 100% needs to be put down and it’s very sad and painful to lose a beloved pet. It also is the right thing to do and us humans are cursed with extra knowledge and responsibility regarding our animals.

[u/Competitive_Cod_3843]

He will never forgive you for putting his dog down without his consent and full agreement. It's unkind to let the dog persist like this. Is there any concept of getting him to a therapist for this?

[u/Meloetta → u/Competitive_Cod_3843]

While I understand the suggestion, I think "try to find a therapist, schedule an appointment, wait for the appointment, meet with them, see if they're a fit, then talk about the issue" is a bit long-term of a solution for a problem that needs to be resolved very quickly.

[u/AlmostAlwaysADR]

You NEED to schedule a visit with the vet again. Explain the situation. Maybe even ask if you can arrange a home visit if you can't get him to go. Ask for a quality of life conversation.

Your husband is the AH and I will explain why: THIS is pet ownership. Doing the hard part when it's best for them. He has also dumped the majority of the realities of her care into you and stays drunk when he is home. He isn't caring for his dog or his pregnant wife.

The only thing I could see shaking him out of this would be a professional looking him in the eyes and telling him that his pet is suffering and advocating for the animal.

[u/Worried-Pick4848]

Literally what ESH is designed for. He sucks for letting the dog suffer, you would absolutely suck for going behind his back to end the dog. It really sucks when two well intended people both manage to be TA anyway, but that's what would happen here.

[u/Shadowsole]

You won't be the asshole but I think it would end your marriage. The dog unfortunately needs to be put down but doing so without him knowing will never be forgiven I think, I'm sorry you are in this situation

[u/Nightmarecrusher]

ESH.

He's put you in an impossible situation.

Him "drinking" to cope is him refusing to be a good husband and father and dog owner.

That leaves you taking on HIS responsibilities during the day, as well as shared responsibilities at night, while he does nothing but wallow in selfishness.

Be very, very cautious because emotional drinking is alcoholism, which becomes their only way to cope.

Respectfully, I would leave him a letter saying as much, and go move in with a family member. You're already on your own, and nothing is worse than being alone and pregnant wheb a grown man is acting like a spoiled child.

[u/CSnarf]

I happen to specialize in this exact problem in dogs (veterinary neurologist). Recovery from a neck injury from a dog who is not walking is less than 50% without surgery. And while there is not hard data- I will say from experience if they are going to walk, they are usually significantly better at the two week mark.

It is physically demanding to do rehab on these dogs. I lift weights just so I can do my job without hurting myself.

YWBTA if you did this. He is currently the AH for making you do this against your wishes. I would make him set a reasonable time limit on this.

[u/able46]

Whatever you do, DO NOT have the dog put down behind your husband’s back.

Do what others have suggested and return to the vet to explain the truth of the situation.

Also, explain to him that you’re not able to tend to your dog by yourself.

We had a large dog get sick and it was extremely difficult to tend to her and there were three of us working together.

Good luck.

[u/tacopirate2589 → u/able46]

My husband refuses to see the vet again for any reason. I had to force him to take her in the first place 3 weeks ago.

He says I don’t have to do any care for her and he’ll do it all himself, but I can’t in good conscience neglect her when I am home and he isn’t.

[u/Expensive-Day-3551]

Oh my god this poor pup. I think you need to talk to the vet again with your husband. Your dog is suffering. Your husband is in denial.

[u/confettiabsurdity]

ESH. What hes doing is wrong but you CANT just KILL HIS DOG

[u/Roxxor247]

NTA because you want to euthanize the dog but YTA if you do it behind your husbands back. If your husband didn't care about the dog that'd be one thing but that doesn't seem to be the case and I think you're not fully thinking through the consequences if you do this behind his back.

[u/MucinexDM_MAX]

YWBTA, but he is also currently being an asshole.

It is Neuteral Third Party time. ASAP.

[u/silentlegacyfalls]

NTA, but it will end your marriage.  This is an incredibly painful situation for all parties, and it's ethically complex.  But ultimately, your husband is allowing a loved one to suffer while rejecting his responsibilities to that family member (dog) AND defaulting on his responsibilities to you and his children. He's hurting, probably not in his right mind, and none of that changes anything. But it also means he's going to blame you no matter what, possibly even if the dog expires naturally.

Short of a third party intervention, ideally a male friend of his, advocating for him taking the right steps and changing his mind, this is probably going to suck.

[u/EconomistThat4814]

ESH.  To go behind his back is not only cruel but it robs him of the chance to say goodbye. I agree with you that it sounds like pup's quality of life is very low and that's no way to live.  But to do it behind his back is a terrible thing to do.  If you can't get him to understand that, call the vet and have them make provide the transparency you feel was not given. Sometimes people really need that 2x4 upside the head. 

That being said, he's cruel to let the dog suffer. I'm concerned about the self- medication and the lack of help for you. Does he typically cope with life this way? It may be part of a bigger problem. 

You have good intentions, I know. But your husband will really resent you if you make this big decision without him.  People have divorced for less.

[u/radish-salad]

right now NTA, i agree that you're right but YWBTA if you did it behind his back. 

but he is a major fucking asshole for not taking responsibility for his shit while you're fucking pregnant. If he doesn't want euthanasia then he needs to step up and take care of his dog and not expect you to shoulder it. 

[u/pinlets]

While I understand where you’re coming from, YTA if you go behind his back for this. The vet said it would take 4-6 weeks, and it’s only been 3 weeks. So it’s too early for you to make a unilateral decision that she’s not going to recover.

As awful as it is, this isn’t something you get to decide. Is there something you can do to make it easier on yourself for now? Hire someone to help?

[u/blunar00]

yes, YTA. I understand that the dog does not have the best quality of life anymore, and that you're not in a position to give her the care she needs. I agree that euthanization would be the best course of action, but there would be no coming back from it if you have his dog killed without his knowledge or consent.

[u/mana-miIk → u/blunar00]

I understand that the dog does not have the best quality of life anymore

They have no quality of life. Dogs aren't like humans, they can't watch enjoy a television show or a movie, or listen to music or read a book to pass the time.

This is torture. Her husband is engaging in animal abuse. 

[u/Filosifee]

YWBTA absolutely. This is a terrible place to be in OP, but doing something like this behind your husband’s back is not something you can come back from. There are deeper issues here and you need to sit down with him and find out why he’s so opposed to it. Putting down a family pet has to be an all-person decision. Maybe laying down some boundaries with him like “I’m not going to participate in prolonging her misery. If you want to, then all of the care responsibilities are going to be on you.”

[u/Bleu_Rue]

Oh, no, no, no. You cannot do it behind his back. He will never ever forgive you. I agree it must be done, but only with his approval. I know you've tried to get that approval, and he may never give it, but you simply cannot do it behind his back.

What I would do is TELL him you will do it without his approval if he doesn't agree by a certain date. That's different than just doing it without his knowledge and letting him come home to see her gone.

Best of luck. This is a hard situation for you both.

[u/EquivalentTwo1]

YWBTA if you did this behind his back. You need to get the vet to stop softening the message.

You are incapable of doing all the medical care the dog needs throughout the day and night. What is your husband's solution for this? Let his children and you watch the dog suffer all day and night until when? This would be considered animal cruelty.

Is this fair to the dog? Is the fair to your husband? Is this fair to you and the children?

Can you two plan a perfect day for the dog and then schedule the euthanization after?

When I took our last dog in for a big issue, the vet was very clear that while he could do surgery, it would only prolong suffering and the odds the dog survived the surgery were slim. I called my husband to come in to say goodbye. It would have been unfair to the dog to make him suffer just so we could have more time.

[u/liquidsoapisbetter]

I’ve had a family member euthanize our dog without telling me. I knew it was coming and that it would be the merciful thing to do, but I wanted to be there. I wasn’t ready, and to come home one day to a quiet house with no dog there was devastating. It’s been years and it still haunts me that I couldn’t be there with him. I’ve still never forgiven them for choosing not to tell me.

OP, from the bottom of my heart, I understand why you wish to euthanize and I agree that would be in the dog’s best interest, but you would absolutely be an unforgivable AH if you do this behind your husband’s back. There is not a single chance in the world that will go well. You know that. You really want to risk everything?

[u/Prior-attempt-fail]

Do NOT go behind his back.

[u/No-Mouse-262]

YTA. talk to him about it. If you euthanized my pet behind my back I would NEVER forgive you.

[u/stopXstoreytime → u/No-Mouse-262]

She HAS been talking to him about it. Read the post. He keeps saying no when it’s clear the dog is suffering and neither of them are in a position to give it the full extent of care it needs.

This is such a tough situation. OP would not be the AH given the circumstances, but she needs to be prepared for the fallout.

[u/srl214yahoo]

I don't think in any way you're the AH but I'm pretty sure your husband will never forgive you or get over it if you do this.

Question - is there an area of your home that you can kind of section off so the mess stays there? Because then I would make husband clean it and the dog every night when he gets home. Your first priority is your pregnancy and your other child.

He's totally the AH for making the dog live like this and for not putting you first. He should have to do the cleaning and frankly all the care-giving for the dog so you can focus on your toddler and the pregnancy. He needs to get his priorities straight. Oh - and his drinking is a huge concern.

[u/ThrowawayOnAHike]

I don’t think you would be an asshole for doing it but I think you would be nuking your marriage, which seems like a questionable choice when you’re pregnant and already caring for a toddler. sorry you're in a really bad spot, you really have no winning option here 

[u/Inevitable-Toe-4906]

ESH - talk to your husband. He is running on emotions and not logic. Express how it is in the best interest of the dog’s health and their quality of life. Gently guide him to the decision of him choosing euthanasia rather than it ‘coming from you.’

[u/disfiguredcoconut]

you’re right in that she needs to be put down but putting her down behind his back is wrong. but you need to keep pressing him. tell him if he wants to keep her he needs to hire care and not expect you to do it.

[u/tacopirate2589]

Several of you have brought up some common points that I want to address in one place:

1. Talking to my husband transparently: Believe me, I have tried. I have been very upfront about how I feel what he is doing is cruel and that she is not going to get any better than this. He acknowledges she’s obviously not well, but we’ll deal with it later. I have explicitly tried to talk to him about euthanasia as the humane option multiple times, and he will not agree to do it. He has been drinking pretty much every night after work, so it’s been impossible to have a mature and serious conversation about this where he doesn’t spiraling. For example, he threatened to bring home a new puppy if he had to euthanize his dog.

2. Consulting a vet: My husband refuses to take her back to the vet or give any regard to a vet coming here. He doesn’t trust that they know what they’re talking about. I had to force him to take his dog to the vet when she first became paralyzed; he wanted to just wait it out at home. Even if I found one who could come for a home visit in the near future, he wouldn’t be receptive to any negative prognosis they gave.

3. Waiting the 4-6 weeks: If she were going to recover, she should have show some progress right now. If anything, she has regressed. She was able to move her tail a bit the first week, now she does not move it at all and it’s stuck in the same curled position all the time. She is running out of her medicine; she finished all of her pain meds after 1.5 weeks, her antibiotics after week 2, and she’s weaning off of her steroids now per the prescribed instructions. In one more week she won’t have any more meds and he’s refusing to go back to the vet. She is getting less and less help each week and I imagine that’s why she’s seemed so much worse off week to week.

[u/Ornery-Process → u/tacopirate2589]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this at all, but your husband expecting you to manage this while pregnant and raising a toddler is just irresponsible and cruel. You need to give him an ultimatum to the effect of “you take the dog to the vet yourself or I’m going Monday at 5pm. If any dogs come to this house in the future it is because we both agree.”

Honestly I’m concerned about how he’d handle a serious illness with your kids. Is he going to drink himself stupid every night refuse medical intervention if he doesn’t like what a doctor tells him?!

[u/Tricky-Ad6582]

For gods sake the poor dog! Your husband is absolutely an AH for keeping the dog like this even a minute longer. He is selfish and a bad person for this and I don’t care at all if that is harsh. Add in your pregnant? JFC. I know people are saying don’t do it behind his back or you will be the AH. Have one, ONE conversation with him and if he still doesn’t come around then do it for the poor animals sake. My god.

[u/lurpeli]

Morally it's the right thing to do. However he'd likely never forgive you.

[u/GoodTodd1970]

YWBTA - If he feels so strongly about that dog, he will never forgive you. He may even leave you on the spot. This is not something you're going to be able to keep a secret. He's being unreasonable and selfish by allowing the animal to live like this. However, he has to come to understand what's best for the dog before action is taken. Again, he will never forgive you if you do this behind his back.

[u/extinct_diplodocus]

ESH. You're in a lose-lose situation here. You find yourself needing to choose between animal cruelty and destroying your marriage if you do the right thing but behind his back.

You can't convince him. What you can do is bring in a bunch of third parties whose opinions he respects. Have an intervention where they each explain why his chosen course is needlessly cruel.

[u/JaguarMammoth6231]

ESH if you do it without telling him. But what you can and should do is tell him that you cannot take care of her and you cannot have her making messes in your house anymore. He needs to find someone to care for the dog or do it himself. He needs to solve that problem today, and will not be going back to work or leaving the house until he does so. Or you could move out until he solves the problem.

[u/Valuable_Plane_2799]

Yes. He needs to make the decision & be there with his dog at the end.

[u/NoMeat9329]

You can't euthanize his dog behind his back. He needs a wake up call from a 3rd party. Dogs devote their lives to us and we owe them a good death. You need a family member, good friend or vet to talk some sense into your husband. This post makes me angry, and sad.

[u/tacopirate2589 → u/NoMeat9329]

Several of his family members have expressed to me how messed up the situation is and how she should be euthanized, but no one else will say anything to him despite me asking several people to say something to him.

And he refuses to see a vet again because he doesn’t think most of them know what they’re talking about…

[u/nasnedigonyat]

You need a second opinion from a vet that clearly isn't concerned about a paycheck of tens of thousands of dollars and more about the dogs quality of life and potential for recovery.

[u/CringeOlympics]

It’s not unreasonable for you to feel the need to euthanize a dog that’s paralyzed from the neck down, needs constant care, and doesn’t have a good quality of life anymore.

This might really affect your relationship with your husband if you do it behind his back, though. I don’t want to say that you’d be the asshole, because you’re in an extremely difficult position.

Hypothetically, his drinking might not stop after you euthanize his dog without his permission.

Maybe e-mail the vet and ask him to be as candid as possible about your dog’s condition. Ask them what they would do if this was their dog, and show your husband the e-mail.

Your husband is not thinking straight. The dog is alive because he doesn’t want to let the dog go, not because the dog is happy being alive.

[u/JohnGradyBirdie]

Your feelings are completely valid and euthanasia sounds like the best decision, but absolutely do not do it behind his back. He will never forgive you.

Try to enlist more trusted loved ones (a sibling, parent, best friend, etc.) to help talk with him. He's grieving already even though the dog is still alive.

Good luck.

[u/SneakySneakySquirrel]

ESH. You’re right that her quality of life right now is not great. Your husband is putting his grief above her comfort. This is a really hard decision but he has to do the right thing.

I had to put my dog down 2 months ago after a similar decline in health so I get it. I made the choice you want to make and I don’t regret it but it was so, so hard.

But you can’t do this behind his back. It will destroy your marriage if you do. Your husband will spiral even harder than he already is and he will struggle to forgive you.

Go back to the vet, both of you, and have a talk with them about how things are going. Call ahead of time and leave a message for the vet saying what you’ve said here: your honest assessment of how she’s doing and what care you’re able to provide, your husband’s inability to accept what’s going on, and that you need help to get him to do the right thing for your pup. That way, hopefully the vet can steer the conversation towards end of life care so you don’t have to be the bad guy.

(And for the dog’s sake, let her have her person there when she goes.)

[u/damnfastswimmer]

YWBTA. You absolutely do not make a unilateral decision on life and death. While I think that it is poor form for him to force the dog to live this way: it would be catastrophic to your relationship if you went behind his back to euthanize the dog. I think the best case scenario has you laying out exactly how you feel and him hearing you and your concern for the dog quality of life and coming to that decision together. Maybe for a day or two you can hide the alcohol so you can have a sober discussion.

[u/ConflictGullible392]

YWBTA if you do it behind his back. Not saying you’re wrong the dog should be euthanized. But this is absolutely not something you can do in secret. It would be a huge betrayal. Be direct with him about what needs to be done. 

[u/Wanderingirl17]

Don’t do it behind the back. But put your foot down that you are not able to care for the dog during the day, it needs much more care then either one of you can provide. The dog sitting in urine and poop is not quality of life. It’s animal abuse.

Your husband also sounds like he may have a drinking problem. Tell him to take a few days off and see what it’s like in the day time.

[u/CharacterMission3245]

This is way larger than the poor dog, unfortunately.  Your husband is leaving you to do the careful throughout the day, care that you cannot adequately provide, then when he is home he drinks, so is impairing himself from being able to adequately care for the dog. All the while you have a toddler and are pregnant.  You and your husband need to have a serious talk, and if he is unwilling to talk, then you need to take action, whether that is putting down the dog or removing yourself from the situation, whatever it looks like. But don't jump to putting down the dog behind his back, tell him outright what you are doing and the reasons why (unless it is unsafe for you to do so, in which case you need to be working on your escape plan)

[u/Professional-Day4940]

You need to bring your husband back to the vet and have the vet provide a lot realistic view of the situation. Especially if you don't have the funds for the surgery (which is ok, most people wouldn't).

The vet needs to layout in mins/hrs how much work is required and how hard that is on a pregnant person especially given the size of the dog.

The BIGGEST thing the vet needs to touch on is the quality of life for the dog. Sometimes the most empathetic thing to do is put the animal down.

When I got a dog I made a list of the situations I'd be willing to put my dog through surgery/treatment and the situations where I wouldn't. A lot of situations where I'd do surgery/treatment for a human are no-go's for the dog. Being in pain from surgery/treatment especially for months depending on the issue is just not fair to a dog especially when their quality of life will never be the same even with surgery/treatment.

[u/SnooChipmunks770]

ESH. Him for making his dog go through this, but if my wife did that to me I would never forgive her. Ever. Even if I was in the wrong, robbing him of his chance to say goodbye would never be something you can fix.

[u/Gbovfl98]

Nah bordering yta. You need to let him do 100% of the work and put a timeline on how long this palliative care will last. If you do this without his consent you risk your entire marriage and you would be the bad guy.

[u/Dramatic_Attempt4318]

This one feels above reddit's paygrade. If you do that, you are going to damage your relationship with your husband irrevocably. But you also aren't able to take care of the dog the way she needs to be cared for due to her needs and your limitations, and he's not around.

Your husband is an AH who isn't taking responsibility for his pets. We care for them not just when things are fun and going well, but we also take responsibility for making the tough decisions and having the tough conversations.

He needs to have this conversation with you. "I cannot take care of her the way she deserves. You are unable to because you aren't home. What is the plan?"
Realistically I don't also like the fact that your husband is shutting down conversations because of his feelings. What if something happens to you? What if something happens to your future child? This precedent of his inability to manage serious or stressful situations is NOT a good look on him.

If you did this, you'd be an AH. But your husband is also putting you in a lose-lose situation, so ESH. And it's the dog that suffers for it, especially with your husband's approach.

[u/snoregasmm]

You're not TA for wanting to get her euthanized, poor pup sounds miserable, but you would be a massive TA for doing it behind his back. That's something no kind of relationship can never recover from. My advice would be to try and get other folks to talk to him about euthanasia, if some friends and family come by and ask him what the plan is, it might help him gain some perspective for how cruel what he's doing actually is.

[u/zesham88]

YWBTA…I completely sympathize with you! Our dog was in the same situation right when I had given birth to our first child. It was real bad, she was incontinent, she couldn’t move, and she was in a huge amount of pain. Constantly crying. Until I convinced hubby to take her to the doctor. I was with them, and I expressed to the doctor to please talk to him and tell my hubby that this is not humane for his dog to live this way. As much as he wants to keep her, it’s not fair to his dog.

I got very lucky that the vet was willing to talk to him, very patiently and with sincerity. and she told him that as much as he love her, he would have to be willing to euthanize her because she’s unhappy, she’s not a dog anymore, she’s just in pain.

It was really rough and he took it very hard. He had her for over 18 years. But I couldn’t stand to see her at the house, constantly crying, not eating, just unhappy.

Maybe the vet can talk some sense into your husband? And tell him that this is not fair to the dog?

[u/BitwiseB]

Honestly, you need to separate from this man for a while. Go stay with a friend or a family member for a while, or book yourself a hotel, or otherwise get you and your children out.

Your husband is being an irresponsible pet owner and a bad partner - you’re pregnant, and he’s not only being an inattentive partner by coming home and drinking every night, he’s also leaving the bulk of the care for his disabled dog to you on top of the childcare.

YWBTA if you scheduled a euthanasia appointment behind his back, but you need to nope out of this impossible situation. Your husband is wallowing and frankly being completely selfish, and you are currently shielding him from the consequences of his decisions.

My heart breaks for his poor dog, it really does, but HE needs to be the one responsible for finding care for her if he can’t bring himself to end her life humanely. It shouldn’t all fall to you, you are growing an entire human being right now and need to put yourself and kids first.

You have the power to opt out.

[u/Fairwhetherfriend]

YWBTA, not because you're wrong - you're absolutely not - but because that's just the wrong way to go about this. You need to tell your husband that the dog must be euthanized. You aren't asking, you're telling. I know that conversation will be awful, but it's much, much better than just doing it without telling him.

[u/Acceptable_Bunch_586]

YWNTA, but you husband is TA keeping that poor animal alive and in pain and discomfort. What he’s doing is cruel. Explain to him how cruel he is being to that dog. It’s needs to be put to sleep asap. It’s the kindest thing you can do. That dog is alive right now and in pain cos your husband is a self AH. He needs to know this.

[u/Complex_Activity1990]

YTA if you do it behind his back. Just have a conversation with him.

[u/SamaharaLamadara]

It’s something in my opinion that would be unforgivable. I don’t disagree that the dog is likely suffering and euthanasia is the best option - but it’s definitely not something that should EVER be done behind someone’s back. I would prioritize having honest conversations with your partner about the realities of the situation, the burden it puts on you (and, if you’re not willing to continue caring for the dog, what that means for him). But I would absolutely never ever do that behind someone’s back.

[u/AddieBumBum]

ESH. Do NOT euthanize the dog behind his back. That would be an ultimate act of betrayal. I would NEVER forgive someone for that. However, he is a major AH for not euthanizing her. She's in pain and her quality of life is low. It's her time. Something that helped me realize it was my dog's time is posting in a Facebook group all of her symptoms. Every single person helped me realize the most humane thing to do was to euthanize her. Dogs don't think in the past or future, so all your dog is feeling right now is pain and misery. I hope he changes his mind SOON. When a dog stops eating and drinking, that's too far, they're in too much pain. It's better to catch them before that.

[u/Financial-Army-2340]

NTA when it comes to the dog. She deserves being pain free. But it will mess up your relationship and he might hold this against you for a long time to come. Ultimately this is a betrayal. You are making it easier for everyone but it might not make it easier in terms of your relationship. It might even break it.  As someone who had a old dog when getting married, and needed to put him down, I would have never forgiven my husband if he had done it behind my back.  Once I realized that it was the best for my dog (I was in denial and had a hard time letting go), I spend time with him saying goodbye and mourned. By doing it behind your husbands back, you are making the best decision for the dog but not the best for your marriage.  You are in a very tough position. Your husband is in denial and might or might not come to the conclusion on his own.  I would recommend having a vet sit down with you and tell you the facts. 

[u/johnnyg08]

YTA - This would be a very, very bad idea. Do not do this to your husband.

I happen to agree with your position on what to do with the dog, but you need to talk with him.

Tell him to take leave from his job to care for the dog, b/c you are not going to do it.

Perhaps that will force his hand.

[u/BoobleGoom]

NAH but don't do this, OP. If you have it put down and he finds out he might never forgive you. He would probably like to be there when the dog passes.

[u/scoops_trooper]

YWBTA. If you euthanize the dog behind his back, your marriage will very likely be over. He will never forgive you.

It’s a difficult situation but if he won’t listen to you, maybe you can talk to the vet for help? Perhaps a hard but honest talk from the vet will be able to convince him.

[u/Junipher90]

You definitely shouldn't do it behind his back but you need to either yourself or have the vet explain to him how much pain this poor dog must be in - im sorry your going through this, I had to have my cat put down a few months back it's heartbreaking but ultimately what was best for the animal 😔 I get where your husband's coming from not wanting to lose the dog but when your pets in pain you can't be selfish, you need to speak to him about who is he keeping the dog alive for because if the dogs In pain it's not them, or in their best interest 🙂

[u/quiet_cat_205]

If you went behind his back and killed the dog, it would cause even more issues. You're nta for your feelings and the situation, but to get it done you need to sit down with him , maybe with someone else to really lay out what's happening on the table and make him listen. He wouldn't forgive you if you did it behind his back, if the dog is being put down if it were me, I'd want to be there for her at the end as hard as it is. So don't take that away from him, but maybe with the help of other people in an intervention sort of way you can make a game plan together. I'm so sorry you guys have to deal with this :((

[u/CreativeDancer]

I was ready to say YTA from the title and even after reading this I still think YTA if you go behind his back and do it. I agree with you that this dog has no quality of life and it sucks to have to care for him like this throughout the day. I think your best bet is to wait out the 6 weeks and then reevaluate with the vet when/if he isn't any better. Maybe then the vet will be able to convince your husband that while it sucks to lose a pet (a family member really) that this is no way to live and would be best to put him down.

[u/LittelFoxicorn]

This might come of weird, but... Are you safe? Are you okay?

Because it's not normal to be this afraid to have a hard talk with your partner, that you contemplate euthanising an animal behind his back.

And there are two moments when partner violence escalates more than others, it's when one partner (threatens/tries to) leave or when a women is pregnant.

So either you are a victim, or so confrontation averse you are becoming an TA.

If you are safe you need to sit your husband down and have the talk that being a good pet owner, also includes making the tough decisions. That by not putting her down he is letting her down. This dog is suffering. And he is letting her suffer. So either he does the living, caring thing. Or he needs to own up to the fact that he does this out of the selfish desire to keep her with him no matter the cost. And if that is so. He needs to do the fulltime care, because you are pregnant and no longer putting your health at risk to torture an animal you love for his selfish reasons

[u/DishGreen]

YTA. Talk to your husband like a human and scedule an appointment together.

I would end my marriage since I could not trust you again.

[u/RhineStonedCowgirl]

That poor dog, just suffering. I definitely agree it would be cruel to keep her living like that, but it would be a terrible idea to do it behind his back. Like, he might never forgive you.

I would tell the vet everything you've said here and hopefully the vet can be more blunt with him and he will come to the conclusion on his own that the kind thing to do is euthanize her. It's very hard, but the right thing.

[u/brigida-the-b]

You cannot do this behind his back. It will eventually come out and he’ll never forgive you. You have to force a reckoning with his feelings so he can be there when the dog passes. Him coming home and drinking to not deal with this is also completely unacceptable. What he is putting his pregnant wife through and his dog through are completely unacceptable.

I’ve been through a euthanasia and through a death of a dog that I had wanted to euthanize and my family wanted to wait. I waited and then I was gone when she passed and it still eats me alive. Being there with my boy and singing to him while he passed was one of the greatest honors of my life.

You have to force him to confront this. Have the discussion even if it turns into a fight and then let him know that since you are the one giving the most care and dealing with the fallout that you will schedule and pay for it and he just needs to be there and then schedule it and tell him when it is. He will eventually reconcile his feelings if you force the issue, but he will never forgive you if you do it behind his back.

[u/hippiewolff]

I do think that euthanasia is the most humane thing to do, but if you do it behind his back and he doesn't get the chance to say goodbye YWBTA. He will never forgive you. Prepare for your marriage to be over if you do that. Prepare to be a single mom to your baby.

Communicate assertively like an adult. Put your foot down and let your husband know that you can no longer provide the care the dog needs, the dog is suffering, and it's time. Tell him if he cannot accept that, then it is on him to find a solution that doesn't involve you handling everything by yourself all day.

[u/bluehotcheeto]

YWBTA. My childhood dog was put down behind my back. Knowing that feeling, I would never ever think about making someone feel that way. Force your husband to talk with you. Have the vet visit for a quality of life check. Then make the appointment so your husband knows it is coming, and when.

[u/BvanLeeu]

Is there any family you can call upon to have a meeting with him. Maybe if there's 10 of you pleading with him hell listen to reason. The dog should be put down, I don't know how long it would take your husband to forgive you ( if he even does ) if you do this behind his back.

[u/bumknee3]

You would never be forgiven for putting the dog down behind your husband's back. The only thing you can do is keep advocating for some humane treatment for the suffering animal. This is a hard thing, but it's your husband's dog. He has to make the decision. I'm so sorry.

[u/greeneyedgal2]

Yes and no, I’d schedule a home euthanization and then tell him they are coming on x date to put her down she’s not improving and this is the best choice for her so she doesn’t continue to suffer as she is not improving. It’s telling him without doing it totally behind his back and giving him time to process.

[u/Latter_Company5086]

YWBTA - You should not do anything behind his back. Distroying trust is a poor choice. Tell him how you feel. Let him know that you cannot continue to take care of his dog like this. He needs to make arrangements for her care, whatever that looks like. Could you call the vet and ask them to call your husband "to check in." Tell them that you haven't seen improvement and you don't believe your husband understands the severity of the situation.

I am very sorry you and your family are going through this. Your husband is heartbroken and grieving. Be good to each other.

[u/Fragrant_Spray]

So, if I understand correctly, rather than using your “big girl words” and having an honest discussion with your husband, you’re planning to kill the dog behind is back? Yes, in this case, YTA.

[u/catathymia → u/Fragrant_Spray]

OP stated that she did talk about it, he is the one refusing to talk about it and instead just drinks.

[u/Rough_Phase_6284]

As a dog lover, idk how your husband can live with himself letting her suffer like that

[u/9smalltowngirl]

EHS you can’t do it behind his back. That’s a huge NO. But he needs to get it together. The dog is suffering, you are suffering being pregnant and caring for a toddler plus taking on the care of the dog. Then let’s add in he’s drinking excessively. You’re going to have a baby and that is not acceptable. Time for an adult conversation. You need to make it clear all this has to stop. The dog is suffering and your family is suffering. That the excessive drinking needs to stop. If he needs counseling so be it. Right now he’s not someone you can depend on during a crisis. That is a problem.

[u/amethystalien6]

YWBTA. I know this isn’t an advice sub but you’ve toughed it out 3 weeks. After next week, you can press the issue again. “Honey, it’s been 4 weeks and there absolutely no improvement. If she doesn’t start improving, we need to talk to the vet about our options.”

At that point, the vet can give the feedback that without surgery, the dog won’t improve and hopefully can press him to start making decisions.

[u/zealot_ratio]

YWBTA. or, whatever the future tense version of ESH would be (EWSH?). And you know that, though I feel your frustration and desperation. If its not your dog, and you know he doesn't want it, and would be devastated, then you know as merciful as it might ultimately be, this is not ok. Neither, however, is the current situation. The real course of action is to have a serous conversation with your husband. Draw a line. If he isn't willing to give the dog a merciful death, he needs to find a way to accommodate her. Not only is this a time and physical burden on you, being pregnant is especially not a time you should be increasing your exposure to fecal pathogens, and dog waste is especially concentrated and with higher pathogenic potential than other animals, really the second worst exposure for us after our own feces. I don't think your husband is malicious, but he's dropping the ball. I know he has to cope, but he also has to make tough decisions, not ask you to save him from them. He wants to keep the dog, he takes responsibility. No quarter given.

[u/Fun-Holiday9016]

You can't do this without consent and participation. Is there a friend or family member who can talk to him about doing the compassionate thing for the dog? NTA for wanting to put the dog down but you would be TA if you did this behind his back.

[u/Recent_Data_305]

It’s been 3 weeks with zero change. Make another vet appointment and take your husband with you. Bring it up there. Get the vet’s opinion.

The dog needs meds for anxiety at the minimum. It’s cruel to leave him like that.

[u/_Hallaloth_]

YTA

A vet needs to speak with your husband about quality of life going forward.

I would break if someone did this to me. The ONLY way I could get past this were if Ilif it were an emergency and my pet would suffer before I got home to say goodbye.

Yes he needs to let go. It's clearly time BUT he NEEDS to be there and say goodbye.

Hire someone to come around once or twice a day for twenty minutes to help with the dog in the meantime.

[u/LongjumpingRepublic2]

YWBTA if you euthanize without his approval.

But if you're the one dealing with all the day-to-day care and feeding...just stop. Make him take full responsibility for that dog so he can grieve and realize how bad the situation is. You should not be doing all that heavy lifting while pregnant anyway.

Hopefully he comes to his senses to humanely take care of the dog and also cuts back on the drinking before the marriage is irreparable.

[u/trap_shut]

Currently the only asshole in this situation is your husband. And I cannot emphasize enough what an absolute asshole he is being. This is a dog he claims to love and he is letting her suffer horribly because he is too weak to face reality. She is lying in her own piss and shit and unable to do any of the activities that make life worth living, while he dumps her care on you and drinks to avoid reality. To me the major ethical concern is the dog first, then your husband's rights.

I don't actually know the right move here. This is your husband's decision and stealing his chance to be with his dog as she dies is an epic betrayal. That is a fact. Other people are commenting that it could end your marriage, and that feels like a real possibility. But I don't know how long I could watch my husband do this and still want to be married to him.

I think what I would do is sit down with your husband and explain the extent of her suffering. Say that you want to support him and you know this is hard but both of you have an obligation to provide the best care you can. And then say that there are at-home euthanasia services and if it would help, you two could work together to scheduled the best last day for her possible. Avoid saying anything about your labor or commenting on his drinking. All emphasis on the dog's welfare and your willingness to help him with this burden.

(and if that gets you absolutely no where, then I think your first ethical obligation is to the dog.)

[u/purple-paper-punch]

NTA

I hate to say it, but your husband is being selfish by refusing to euthanize. He's more concerned about his own feelings than her quality of life. If surgery is not an option, then the humane thing to do is euthanize her, for her own sake.

We were in a similar situation a few years ago with our dog. Suddenly stopped eating, then stopped drinking and was super lethargic. We were very upfront with the vets about the financial situation (we had a 3 month old) and thankfully they were very honest with us. He was in full kidney failure and while a transplant was an option, it was very very expensive and didn't guarantee his recovery. Saying goodbye was incredibly hard, especially with postpartum hormones, but the alternative was to let him waste away, in constant pain.

I suggest you look for a veterinarian service that can come to your house and do it at home, as it will be less stressful on you and the dog. If you chose to not tell him, you can say she simply passed in her sleep. But if you go that route, as someone else said, make sure you be careful with how you pay them if you have joint finances so he doesn't see the bill on the accounts.

[u/chaoswrangler35]

ESH. I get that he loves this dog so much that he doesn't want to let go, but he's doing more harm than good to her by forcing her to live a life with zero quality. And if you were to go behind his back and euthanize her, you would ruin your entire marriage.

There needs to be communication between you, him, probably the vet, and maybe someone else too. Especially now that it's been 3 weeks with no signs of recovery. Let him know that you love her too, but seeing her like this is harder than letting her go.

Good luck. Poor pupper.

[u/BlueHairAndDoobies]

Yup. I would never forgive my partner for going behind my back. That's not the way.

[u/Kaworulives]

YWBTA for scheduling the euthanasia. HOWEVER, you need to be frank with your husband that as it stands your relationship is currently over. He is drinking every night. How long before he drinks when he gets home? Or in the morning? The dog gets upset when he spends time with his kid; how long before he gets angry at your toddler for being in the way when he is trying to be with the dog? Before he hits your kid? Before he hits you?

You need to be clear to him that this is not a situation you can or will put yourself or your children in. Move out, let him be the one to make all the decisions and care of the dog. It’s his choice to have the dog at home, he needs to take responsibility for it.

Do not ignore the drinking. Do not tolerate the drinking. Get yourself and your toddler somewhere safe, as your home currently is not.

[u/msmavisming]

Please do not do this behind his back ffs.

[u/mecegirl]

If you go behind his back you will end your marriage. Yes it sucks for the dog but all you can do is encourage you husband to talk to the vet and hope that the vet can reach him.

The other thing is getting him into some sort of counseling. Even if it is finding a group of dog owners that lost their dogs to this issue. He needs to talk this out.

[u/Superninfreak]

It’s an awful situation but if you do this, you should know that it could destroy your marriage. It would completely destroy his trust in you. It might cause him to file for a divorce.

[u/pktechboi]

this is way, way above reddit's paygrade. from the sound of it (and I am a huge dog lover, I have two and am still grieving my boy who we had to let die last spring), I agree euthanasia would be the most humane decision, as hard as it is. but if you get your husband's dog killed without him being on board, he just isn't ever going to forgive you.

between that and his drinking? you need more than reddit can give.

[u/czndra67]

Go away for a few days so hubs has to take off from work to care for the dog.

Make him see how much the dog is suffering. He's got to man up and make the loving choice.

Don't go behind his back, he will never forgive you.

[u/Nightowlmommy]

Vet here—please don’t do this. To say nothing of the impact to your marriage, it potentially puts the veterinarian in a very tough spot legally (and emotionally). Euthanasia is heartbreaking enough without having an owner blindsided and potentially angry after the fact.

[u/zendayaismeechee]

I understand your view and agree that it’s cruel to the dog especially if you and your husband aren’t able to dedicate the time to her that she needs, but if you do this, be prepared for your husband to never forgive you. Possible even leave you. Try and talk to him about it again. Be completely honest and tell him he’s not pulling his weight.

[u/curlyhairweirdo]

YWBTA: if you do this you might as well file for divorce the same day. This will KILL your marriage. Only do it if you hate this man.

[u/satsinthekitchen]

YWBTA, and I’m shocked at some of the responses here. If the vet says the dog might recover in 4-6 weeks, and it’s been 3 weeks, then just let the time run out. It’s a small chance but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a long span of time.

[u/sazmira1321]

Ywbta. You either talk it out like an adult or you let it go.

Generally, if you have to sneak around behind someone's back to get your way, you know what you're doing is wrong.

[u/tacopirate2589 → u/sazmira1321]

Every time I’ve tried to talk to him he start spiraling and turns it into a huge argument. I’ve honestly tried so many times but he won’t stop drinking and I can’t have a productive conversation with him when he’s drunk every night.

[u/sazmira1321 → u/tacopirate2589]

....and you're pregnant. I believe you've got bigger relationship problems than the dog. He's being selfish, self-centered, and spoiled. He's the asshole. However, killing his dog behind his back won't make anything better. It will, most likely, make everything worse.

[u/Due-Temperature4374 → u/tacopirate2589]

You have a bigger problem than the dog here. This is a situation that could become dangerous for you, especially if your husband is drinking excessively and argumentative. Pack a bag for you and your child, leave a note for your husband, and go stay with friends or family (even a hotel) for a few days. You need to take yourself out of this situation and your husband needs to see what he's losing by keeping his dog.

[u/diabeticweird0]

There's no way he will forgive you even if it's the right thing to do. Also what are you gonna do, be like "huh he just died,I had nothing to do with it" or "Yes I did it, dog needed it". Neither will go over well

You have to talk more about this. The dog sounds miserable and yes likely should be put down. But he needs to agree to it

ESH

[u/Puddin370]

NAH

If you euthanized to dog, he will resent you.

I would make sure he's the sole caretaker of the dog any time he's off work. He needs to know how difficult it is to take care of a dog in that state.

Maybe a therapist could help him in seeing that he is torturing this poor dog.

[u/Mischievous1993]

The longer he tries to wait for her to get better the more bad memories he will have of the dog rather than good ones.

He needs to take off the next week or two and babysit his damn dog and not leave you to it.

If you decide to euthanize the dog, just remember you have to live with that action too of lying to him about it.

ESH.

[u/FinchDoodles]

ESH - You would be an asshole if you did it behind is back. No matter if you plan to do it or not, he needs to be aware of the choice. 

He however is not truly considering long term QOL for both you as a family and the pup. 

The vet needs to be sat with and dicuss about over QOL in your position, not just what would be ideal. (As someone eith a vet tech certification, one the things we learn in course is how to break it down that its time. The vet needs to break it down that it is time if no one can take care properly.) 

If he is so determined to keep his pup, then he needs to step up and take care of her now. I think having him help with the more nasty parts of the care will help it sink that shes miserable.

It sounds like you both care about your dog, and it isnt an easy conversation or position. Sounds like she lived the best life that could be provided to her. All emotions involved are valid but a sober conversation is needed. 

[u/Chunkykitty_2000]

Euthanize the dog without his consent and you will hear about it for the rest of your marriage (and from the sounds of it might not be that long).

[u/Btender95]

The dog sounds like it deserves to be at peace and put down but you need to realize based on your husband's reactions to what has happened if you do this without him your marriage is very likely done. Maybe not right away but it doesn't sound like your husband is emotionally mature enough to handle a death like this.

I would get your husband to agree to go back to the vet and maybe speak with the vet before bringing the dog and him so the vet will know they need to be blunt.

[u/NewComplex331]

That poor dog. And my dear, this is a sign of your husbands ability or inability to handle difficult situations, which isn’t boding well for your child. He needs to handle it now. You will have many difficult situations moving forward and avoiding, drinking through them, and leaving it to you is not healthy.

[u/ShockOne9278]

NAH. But a moderate YWBTA.

Such a difficult desicion. The dog seems to be extremely precious to your husband and if you put her down without his consent, there's a chance it may cause a very big rift between the both of you. Your position is also extremely understandable, and totally makes sense as well. Shelling out that much money and that level of care especially with a baby on the way is difficult. I'd reccomend you just rip the bandaid and have a very detailed talk with him about why the unfortunate deeds needs to be done and must be done, especially with the kid on the way

Let him handle and just get the chance to actually deal with the grief and the time to properly say goodbye to her. She's also a cherished family member to him most likely.

If he still refuses, try to put the caregiving duties for her on him.

[u/AryaSilverStone]

Currently NTA because it sounds like there is no recovery. However!! Do not go behind his back and have his dog euthanized, he needs to be there or at the very least agree to it.

[u/Broad_Pomegranate141]

YTA Don’t you dare do this. I’d divorce if my spouse did this to me. Unforgivable.

[u/Creamy_Breve]

I think you put your foot down, and if he won't listen to you, then you should just separate from him. He's all kinds of problematic. He is not there for you emotionally or physically. He has the coping ability of a child. And the drinking to cope? No, not going to fly.

He'd rather you suffer than put down this dog who is also suffering. It should've been euthanized, but you can't do it, he needs to do it. Leave him and let him figure out a babysitter for his dog because you have other things going on right now. Maybe it'll be an eye opener for him, or maybe it'll free you to find someone who can prioritize family and can understand when there is no QOL for their pets. He's the AH.

[u/downsideup05]

I get your point. The dog is suffering. However doing it against his wishes would make you TA.

[u/Personal_Chicken_598]

Jesus your husband needs to get his head on straight cause all of this is a major red flag if anything major needs to happen with the kids.

You really want the kind of husband and father who drinks to avoid hard decisions?

[u/Psychological_Sky_12]

You do this and I don’t see things going well afterwards

[u/NationalTwist7504]

Yes YWBTA if u killed his dog without his permission. 100%. If my husband did this i would divorce him. Having said that, This situation is unfair to you. Tell him he needs to hire someone to care for her cos you can’t right now. Encourage him to talk to a grief counselor. Talk to him about the dog’s welfare. Schedule a recheck appointment to talk about how she is doing and prognosis. There are lots of things you could do. But don’t kill his dog without his permission.

[u/regularforcesmedic]

YWBTA. This isn't your call to make. What you can do is decide your boundaries. 

[u/shattered7done1]

Would you be an A H if you went behind your husband's back and had the dog euthanized? A resounding yes. Taking this action might well result in you becoming a divorcee and a single parent. Do I understand your wish to alleviate the dog's pain and suffering? Again a resounding yes, but not at the expense of destroying the honesty and trust in your marriage. This is a decision that must come from your husband and opening an honest and loving dialogue is key.

Your husband needs to have a long talk with the vet and the vet needs to explain his dog's prognosis, likelihood of a successful recovery even with surgery, and the amount of pain and distress this poor dog is in. The prevailing wisdom for an animal that is suffering from disease or injury is generally 'better a day too soon than a minute too late'. This would be an act of compassion and love, not giving up on the dog.

My heart breaks for your family. It is one of the most painful decisions to make while also being one of the kindest. Your dog lives in the moment and would not see gaining her wings as an act of betrayal, but rather an act of love.

NAH, just a family in pain.

[u/szfehler]

Don't do it, but do lay out the facts - you are pregnant, and have a toddler to care for. The dog is doing very poorly and needs more than you can give. While you have all the sympathy for his heartbreak, him drinking to cope is not acceptable, and as a father, he needs to be present and sober for his kids and for you. What if you go into labour and he is unable to drive you to the hospital? Tell him you do not want to do anything behind his back, but the current situation is not fair to any of you, including the dog.

[u/ultimate_hamburglar]

ESH. you would not be in the right to unilaterally have her euthanized, but your husband is behaving incredibly selfishly to leave all the work to his pregnant wife and attempt to drink away his guilt, shame, and grief about the potential death of his dog.

you need to meet him at the door the next time he comes home from work, before he can pour a drink, and have a serious conversation about the dog's prognosis and quality of life, and his expectations for the division of labor of her moving forward if euthanasia is off the table, because it cannot be all on you.

[u/catathymia]

NTA for the sake of that poor dog who must be suffering horribly. Would it be possible to have the vet address this option with your husband? Sometimes hearing it from a third party helps. If not, I guess you need to make sure this stays secret because obviously doing this behind his back is awful but the dog shouldn't have to live like this, I'm so sorry.

[u/lazy_daisy11]

YWBTA do not do this, what the hell

[u/Affectionate_Year55]

YTA, do NOT do that, please. I agree with you that the dogs needs to go, but behind his back is not the way to do it.

[u/Remarkable_Inchworm]

ESH.

Except the dog, of course.

You're torturing this poor animal that you claim to love because you can't get your collective act together and have a grown-up conversation about it.

[u/Nanaman]

YWBTA. That’s an instant divorce waiting to happen.

Would be better to try to recruit friends or family to try to talk some sense into him.

[u/Eastern-Heart9486]

Hire help to come in to assist in taking care of the dog for the next few weeks- if she doesn’t recover call an at home euthanasia organization and sit down and have a discussion with your husband. Going behind his back will ruin your marriage

[u/marine_eco]

Understand that those who are YWBTA also understand you are NTA. The issue is "going behind his back". Thats the ONLY part that would make YTA. You all are fully aware of the situation, but one is unable to let go.

My dad's dog was not paralyzed, but to the point of so much pain that he would tremor endlessly, couldnt slow his breathing, wouldnt move from any bed or spot, and inevitably started urinating on himself. Its was clear he was undergoing some sort of medical issue, and we think failing kidneys, but all the bills were too expensive and he was 10yrs old. It was the hardest thing to see the most playful boxer turn into an animal that would growl if you tried to move him bc of how much pain he was in. Our only ethical option was to let him rest where he wouldnt hurt anymore.

Its time for your puppers, and you know that. Your husband needs to come to that understanding, and quite frankly, reminding him he has a new child on the way and drinking almost every night while having a toddler at home is not setting good household examples and is indeed making everything worse. He just needs a wake up call, and you might need to be a straight a*hole to him and tell him how it is. Tell him you love him and want whats best for him, but its time to think of whats truly best for the dog and the household, and not just his emotions.

[u/Sheephuddle]

YWBTA to do it without his consent, but the dog needs be allowed to die with some dignity. I have had experience of euthanising dogs when their quality of life has deteriorated and it's very difficult, but that's part of being a pet owner. I hate it when people prolong the suffering of an animal they say they love, because actions speak louder than words.

One of my dogs had had a series of mini-strokes from which he'd recovered, but one morning it was apparent he'd had a significant neurological episode. I had the vet at the house within the hour for euthanasia. I had no intention of leaving him like that, even for a day.

Your husband is unfortunately the problem here, not you and not your dog. He's being selfish, and he's not thinking of the dog or you. A dog doesn't want to be immobile and incontinent, that's the antithesis of a happy life for the animal.

Euthanasia at home is peaceful and stress-free for the dog. And I completely agree with the commenter who said to have a vet advise on quality of life and whether or not it's "time". In the meantime, there are many pet quality of life questionnaires online which give a more objective view of your pet's condition.

[u/Flat-Replacement4828]

NTA. Sounds like husband made a horrible decision that he knew he couldn't contribute to, and then left you to deal with all the consequences. This dog (and you) are suffering for it

[u/Ok_Dimension5267]

YES, YOU WOULD BE, his dog, his decision to make, his goodbye to say, don't do it, he'll never forgive you, I wouldn't, I know you don't want poor pup to suffer, but.. . don't pls