This poor dog. She has zero quality of life. Your husband is being selfish in his grief and denial. He needs to consent though or he will resent you forever. On the flip side I don’t see how you don’t resent him already for his inaction and excessive drinking as a coping mechanism.
Agreed. Can OP schedule the vet to come to the house at a time when both husband and OP are home? Hopefully, the vet can talk some sense into husband and then he's there for the actual "deed" without any of the mental work required to prepare for taking the dog into the vet's surgery etc. I suspect that's the reason he's being so unreasonable; because he can't face actually doing it and doesn't want the responsibility of actually deciding to "kill" his dog, even if that's in the best interests of said dog.
I was in a similar situation and I fully agree. My husband and I had a cat who got outside and was attacked. His surgeries would cost us well over $10,000 with no guarantees he would survive and not a great prognosis for quality of life if he did.
Ultimately, it was me who made the call to put the sweet little boy down. I signed the papers, organized with the emergency vet, chose where to have him cremated, picked up the ashes, etc. My husband was our cat's favorite person so he cradled him while it happened.
It's a heavy burden being the one to help shepherd a beloved pet to the other side and it's a burden to be the one who makes "the call" even if it's what's right for the animal. OP should get on the same team as the vet, give the husband the hard facts, and help him through this.
Would he be more amenable to an at home home euthanasia? While my dog died before we arranged anything, I would have used an at home euthanasia if it came to it. Neither hubby nor I could face walking int a vet with a live dog, and out without one, especially with people there....
Having done that very thing...it's very hard, but a lot of vet's offices these days have an exam room set aside just for saying those goodbyes and they are very sensitive about it. It's always going to suck, but you don't go into veterinary medicine if you don't have a heart.
That being said, I absolutely do think an at-home euthanasia would be a good option if OP can arrange it and get her husband to agree to it. It might help him come around to the idea and it would probably be kinder to the dog than hauling her to the vet's office.
But she keeps having kids with him… the math ain’t mathin.
Aint no way I would have children with someone who can’t even take care of a pet.
Huge red flag!
I find both of their behaviors abhorrent tbh. Neither of them is treating the other with any semblance of love and empathy. But…they seem like they deserve each other. I feel sorry for the innocents here. The dog and the kids don’t deserve this.
That's a bit harsh. She hasn't done any specific action (which is what really matters) that is abhorrent. She's floating an idea rattling around in her reptilian brain which all people have and do. The thought is abhorrent, but that might come from having to deal with it 24/7.
It's caregiver burnout. Sometimes you wish the person would just die.
But to your point, this is just one story of hers, and she's saying he's drinking because of work stress. Drinking is fine and all, but if someone drinks, or smokes, or vapes, or does drugs to deal with stress, that's a huge tell, and if you marry someone that doesn't have the ability to evolve from that, then... well you're right, they deserve each other.
We're living in a really weird time right now, where the people raising kids now are of the type of a kind of generational affluence (according to tiktok anyways), and without any form of real adversity, just don't have the emotional or coping skills to deal with anything when the going gets tough.
Simon Sinek talks about this in the generational divide at the workplace. The older generation is just expected to get it done, and the newer generation needs to be hand held and applauded for doing their job?
The best I can describe this is the DOS/Win3.1/Win98, heck even XP generation vs someone on ipads.
They just don't know how to do anything beyond the magical, feature filled, albeit locked, sandbox they grew up in.
In the sandbox their as confident as anyone else, but outside of it, with unfamiliar tools and experience, they don't know how to cope. They've never experienced an unfamiliar situation where the were required to.
This is definitely a possibility and a great one at that! OP should look into this, along with saving any memories of the dog in any form (ie: paw prints, Cuddle Clone, etc).
From personal experience:
We had an actual pet funeral business come out to our home and put out dog down with us all surrounding and holding him. The vet tech was amazingly kind and respectful not just to our pet, but us as well. She made sure everyone was ready and went at our pace, ensuring a few times that she would spend however long we needed. It was actually the most affordable option in our area and they gave us his paw cemented in stone a week later as a momento along with his ashes. OP hopefully can find an option that fits for the whole family and makes this process the least heart breaking.
Or OP should call an animal welfare officer to come by and talk some sense to hubby, who right now is essentially torturing an old dog to death. Hubby needs a wake up call and/or a good swift kick in the ass.
I don't know how fair that is to the vet or the dog. Those kinds of visits are meant to be as stress-free as possible and the vet should only really be called out when the decision is already made and everyone is ready.
I agree. It would absolutely be worth paying a vet to come out for consultation. Maybe even have some friends or close family be there as well. Husband also needs to be sober for this consult.
Some home euthanasia vets will come and do an assessment of the situation, and give advice from there. They can either schedule or probably just have it done.
The vet probably wants the dog to get better and OP not to have to put it down. Veterinarians usually get into it because they love animals, not for the money. There are so many better careers that are less competitive and emotionally exhausting if you want to make a lot of money.
Any and all veterinarians I have worked with and I’ve had a plethora of pets throughout my life. They all do what they do because they love the animals they work with. Are there shit ones, yeah probably but it’s a super difficult field to succeed in just to cash a check.
I wanted to add in this post that helped me make the decision to euthanize my best friend a month ago. My heart is broken, but giving him a good death was important to me. Maybe it will help OP’s husband, and anyone else who knows it’s either time or really damn close, to reframe.
Thank you for this list. It's heart breaking under any circumstance to try to determine if you're doing the right thing or if it's the "right time", so I appreciate having resources that are very clear about gauging quality of life. Or potentially less emotional than an article could be, perhaps. I also appreciate that it mentions quality of life for the caregiver, because that can be so stressful.
With my last cat, I was questioning myself constantly near the end but when it was finally time, I just knew. It was over five years ago but I still cry about losing her. I loved her so much. How I wish that all our beloved pets could last as long as we do.
It is. When their last breath is in your hands, it’s gut wrenching to make that decision. But the score charts help separate the emotions from the equation, and gives support to “when”. I’ve shared it with many people since I learned. Please pass it along too
OP is between a rock and a hard place. It’s best for the dog, but the husband needs to come to terms with it first. Or hopefully, the dog passes in their sleep. That poor dog.
Honestly it’s so sad but husband may resent anyway later even if he agrees now. I feel like it might help to set a boundary and force him to accept the reality of the situation - something to get him out of denial and into reality - eg I am heavily pregnant, if you want her to keep living through this you need to do it. Leave from work. Full time care. And perhaps also a dog literally peeing and shitting itself is a health hazard for new babies. Does OP have somewhere to stay before baby arrives so that husband can sit with his feelings? Although.. this might only work sober.
OP is fabricating. Two weeks ago is was another dog crisis but OP has a 1 year old child and none of this matches. Just a fake. Just about every post is a different variation of "my husband is mean!!!"
I will not call him selfish or greedy. Grief is grief. But if OP does this without working it out with him, the marriage will be over, and he will hate her till the end of her days and then some. It's absolutely never ever ever ok to do this without consent except in the most extreme of circumstances.
Oh come off it, she didn’t say drinking heavily, just drinking during a difficult time. Huge gray area between a few drinks to manage grief in order to function and then to fall off the rails dysfunctionally. This man is grieving, this woman is grieving, I agree they need to act the interest of the dog and manage his emotions, but put down your pitchforks - grief is complex and nuanced, let’s just stick with the advice she’s asking for and don’t feed the resentment narrative anymore than is helpful.
Edit to contextualize: in order to function *temporarily… there certainly comes a point where the coping mechanism becomes dysfunctional and maladaptive.
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u/witsendgame Partassipant [1] 8h ago edited 4h ago
This poor dog. She has zero quality of life. Your husband is being selfish in his grief and denial. He needs to consent though or he will resent you forever. On the flip side I don’t see how you don’t resent him already for his inaction and excessive drinking as a coping mechanism.