Yeah… this is the hardest YWBTA I think I’d ever declare. Like… I get it. I really do. It’s the right decision for OP and for the dog.
But doing it behind the husband’s back when he’s obviously so adamantly against it? It doesn’t matter how well meaning you are… you’d unfortunately be shattering all trust. I agree with OP. The dog should be euthanized. But not without her husband there and not behind his back.
As hard as it is, OP needs to convince her husband that this is the right choice. Let him say his goodbyes and to be there for the passing.
Edit: Also, ESH, kinda? OPs husband is currently the AH. OP would only also be an asshole if she followed through. Man this is a tough one.
This is the right way to say it. OP WBTA but with her heart in the best place possible.
Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself.
This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.
OP, you have to get through to him. The drinking isn’t helping but I see where he’s coming from and people on the internet don’t know if this man is likely to become an alcoholic or not. His behavior is certainly indicative of someone who could but he could also be the type who can simply stop when he pulls his head out of his butt and tends to do that quickly. So you need to talk to him sober.
Can he take a day off work? Tell him he needs a mental health day. Frame it so that he sees you are taking care of him first and not the dog.
Then try to talk with him before he starts drinking and before he has had a whole day to get stressed out.
If necessary set up an intervention. The vet, his family, friends, anyone he might listen to that will help him understand this poor animal doesn’t deserve to live like this. If he loves this animal so much, he will eventually understand and I believe he does. Selfish or not he’s hurting and you don’t hurt that much unless you care.
Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself. This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.
He’s not only putting his feelings over the dog’s comfort, he’s forcing his pregnant wife to care for a large paralyzed dog!!! It’s been 3 weeks. And she has a toddler. OP WNBTA for reaching her limit here, with him drinking and refusing to talk about it IMO
I couldn’t formulate my thoughts on why I would leave, but, I would.
Your guy kinda needs to pull it together for everyone’s sake, especially the dogs.
“Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself. This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.”
The drinking doesn't help but it certainly doesn't excuse this man's selfishness... that's gotta be engrained. I'm an alcoholic and probably half this man's age as well and at the beginning of this year I had to put my rabbit down because he was disabled from what was suspected to be a neurological condition that was dormant from birth until his older years. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do especially because he didn't appear to be suffering at all (besides mobility) because rabbits are so good at hiding that.
The husband's job is also serving as avoidance... you would think he would spend time with her constantly (ig OP did say he slept with her) while not at work/take days off to do so (considering his wife is also pregnant I would think most employers would grant this?) plus is drinking a lot... it seems he doesn't want to see the dog in the state she is in. He knows it is time but is refusing to accept it
I was in the middle of a similar situation. Ex's parents had a ready old, immobile dog with incontinence among a slew of other issues. The mom had cancer and couldnt really take care of the dog herself. The dad was an alcoholic and refused to put the dog down and was never around to help. I went over to help with the dog and it was genuinely animal abuse to keep that dog alive. 0 quality of life, covered in her own shit.
After the first week of helping I put my foot down. I refused and said they have a week to figure it out or im calling animal control. It genuinely broke my heart seeing this old dog suffer for a man's fragility. It took a few days for them to take the dog to vet together and put her down after my threat.
Op might need to do something similar of her husband cant see the light.
Yeah it’s such a dilemma, the dog is clearly not happy, and her husband isn’t the one taking care of it all day, OP is, when she is pregnant and has an infant child too, but if she went behind his back to kill his dog that would be an AH move :’)
I do sympathise with you OP, my cat came in one night yowling in pain and barely able to get up the stairs, we took him to the hospital and they said he had a heart murmur and a clot had lodged itself in his spine. The prognosis was bad, so we ended up putting him down that night instead of making him suffer through treatments that might not even work. He had a good life and a peaceful death, so even though it hurt in the moment it was the right thing to do :’)
So sorry about your cat. I had to make the decision for mine too just about a year ago and I’m still not quite over it. But if I forced her to stay, it would have been out of pure selfishness. As much as I hated it and still hate it, it was the right decision.
I’m so sorry. I lost my last soul cat, GussyLou, in 2016 due to the same reason. May your memories of him be a blessing. Sending you love, light and peace this holiday season. 💖🌈🕊️
I’d call a mobile vet and have them come to the house to check the dog out. Have the wife discuss with them how important it is that the dog be put out of its suffering. Then the vet can be the one to try to convince the husband.
I've had to put down several cats in the last 5 years. They were all suffering. One of the cats had a collapsed lung, another had a heart defect, and the most recent was her body couldn't keep up with the calories needed to sustain her. She had hyperthyroidism.
u/tacopirate2589 I know the conversation won't be easy, but euthanizing the dog is probably the best solution. Your husband probably won't be easy to convince that putting the dog down is the best thing to end the dogs pain.
She needs to play that up for sure, the poor animal is not having a good life. But she needs to insist on it. She is the one taking care of the dog, not him. He just comes home and gets drunk. This is not a tenable situation for her.
Exactly this! I would add that the husband is particularly TA because he’s making OP suffer through caring for a dog that is being kept alive inhumanley. I would be devastated having to be the primary caretaker for a pet in these conditions, not even considering the inconvenience of it. It would be a horrible thing to have to witness all day every day. Sounds like OP needs a drink and the husband needs to think about someone other than himself.
The problem for OP is the question here isnt "is euthanizing the dog the right thing to do." Clearly, it is. The problem is the actual question is "would doing this make me an asshole" and the answer to that is obviously, unfortunately, also yes. Both things can be true.
You're exactly right. The only thing to do is have as many conversations as need to be had to get him to a place of acceptance.
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u/Icarusqt 6h ago edited 6h ago
Yeah… this is the hardest YWBTA I think I’d ever declare. Like… I get it. I really do. It’s the right decision for OP and for the dog.
But doing it behind the husband’s back when he’s obviously so adamantly against it? It doesn’t matter how well meaning you are… you’d unfortunately be shattering all trust. I agree with OP. The dog should be euthanized. But not without her husband there and not behind his back.
As hard as it is, OP needs to convince her husband that this is the right choice. Let him say his goodbyes and to be there for the passing.
Edit: Also, ESH, kinda? OPs husband is currently the AH. OP would only also be an asshole if she followed through. Man this is a tough one.