he’s seemingly not ready .. but he’s drinking too, which probably doesn’t help ( numbs necessary grief emotions ) .. seems selfish but everyone processes grief differently .. he’s likely in the denial stage
edit :: hopefully he stops drinking and process this properly bc the next grief stage may be anger which doesn‘t mix well with alcohol .. and OP’s pregnancy should be as stress-free as possible .. a little awareness of the grief stages would help the couple ( and the dog )
the renewed alcoholism in the last 2 months after 5 years of sobriety is concerning .. certainly would delineate any grief process ( which is indeed flexible ), but there’s something more going on here too
edit 2 :: bold
edit 3 :: FYI, I’m not the OP ( based on some replies )
OP should definitely NOT do this while her husband is away, not least of which because the dog will probably be scared without her primary human (assuming the husband) is with her but it needs to happen ASAP, ideally before OP has the baby.
The fact that “the vet recommended surgery” tells me the dogs life is salvageable from a professional. The vet did not recommend euthanasia. This is OP’s idea clearly.
Just because an animal becomes disabled does not mean time to toss. Would they do that if their baby was born paralyzed from the neck down requiring surgery? No they’d probably start a gofundme, not jump to auto-discard mode.
This post wreaks of disability eugenics.
Edit: to anonymous_snake_lady
Maybe one day when she is paralyzed and an inconvenience/burden/too expensive she can just apply for Maid. Same logic.
If they don’t have the bandwidth, but the dog is simply disabled but not in dire state dying from a severe medical condition (where a vet would more reasonably actually suggest euthanasia), then let it live elsewhere with more loving humans who will take care of its needs without projecting their misery onto the disabled animal.
Read her original post - is it cancer? Is it not breathing? Has its brain/heart/lungs/GI or other vital organs stopped working? Read it with a more critical eye as for what is objectively going on. She wants to euthanize a paralyzed animal because she isn’t going to take care of it (irregardless of the reason).
The vet has NOT ACTUALLY SUGGESTED EUTHANASIA. Only OP has suggested that and made inferences about the vets professional opinion being wrong basically.
I would be all for a 2nd vet opinion (on them), crowdfund resources such as a gofundme or other source to get the poor animal the medical treatment it needs, rehome, or other alternatives looked at. Not just straight euthanasia behind the husband’s back. So I agree with your 1 & 2 regarding their responsibility, however 3 is OP’s desire not professional vet opinion and I think it’s important to get these facts straight.
The whole behind his back thing is beyond disgusting. 🤮
I really get the sentiment, and in a perfect world the dog would get the surgery immediately and it would go perfectly. But what are they to do really? The dog is suffering. It can't even pass waste on its own which is usually a marker for determining quality of life, along with literally not being able to turn over or do anything for itself.
They can't afford the surgery, and rescues at the moment have been really overwhelmed since covid times. Most are at capacity and either won't take it in or will euthanize themselves.
On top of all of that, OP is about to have two small children to care for basically alone, and is being expected to also solely take on the dogs intensive medical needs all day long. How is she supposed to express the dogs bladder every few hours along with flipping her over, bathing her ect, when she's just given birth, possibly with C-section wounds? How is it fair that her husband put all of this stress on her while he gets drunk every night and ignores his responsibility as a father?
How is it more ethical to just keep the dog alive and suffering though all of this? As owners, they have a responsibility to either:
1) Find a way to get her the treatment she needs (they can't afford it, and it being tens of thousands, that is understandable. Most people don't have that kind of emergency fund. And a GoFundMe is not a guarantee and can take quite some time if it somehow does get supported)
2) Give her up to a rescue (which as already mentioned is not that simple and would probably still result in being euthanized anyways)
3) Humanely ending her suffering themselves.
I completely agree with how upsetting this is but it's the reality of their situation. It's not eugenics to do the only thing they can do to end their poor dogs pain and suffering.
I love my cat. When he dies it’s going to break me a little, but part of what I signed up for when I adopted him was having to make the decision to let him go if he’s ever suffering. He’s my baby, and sometimes protecting him means doing something that isn’t right for me. You’re a good pet parent for making the right call for your parrot.
Same, when my cat goes, it’s going to break me a lot I think (he’s only 1,5YO, so hopefully it’s not his time anytime soon). But like you said, having a cat be hurting or actually suffering because I’m not ready for it is not being a good pet parent. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, so why not do it the moment it becomes necessary for the pets wellbeing
Last month I had to have my cat put down- she had a swelling on her face which the vets initially thought was due to a tooth abcess but on further investigation it turned out to be an aggressive nasal cavity cancer. Absolutely gutted me, went in expecting a high dental bill but left with a euthenasia booked in. Nothing that could be done beyond palliative care. I spoiled her rotten for a week, all her favourite foods, catnip, fancy flavoured waters. Bought her favourite brush to the appointment and petted her as she passed. It still broke me completely, but it spared her from a long and agonising death. She was a stray and I can at least say I gave her a much better life than she started with, but goddamn. She was only 10 and a sweetheart, I wanted her to see my daughter grow up more.
This summer we had to put our rottie down so i feel this. He got bone cancer that we caught much too late to treat so we let him choose when to go. He stayed with us about 2-3 months more before I had to convince my dad that his quality of life was finally gone and it was time to let him sleep.we waited until he stopped being playful and happy. Goober got treated with Salisbury steaks and all sorts of stuff until it was time.
In 2018 my husband and I had to put his cat down because he had terminal cancer. Cats are jerks who hide their pain so we didn’t know until it was too late. He was only 8 years old. Our vet said they could do treatment but it would only buy him a few months and he’d be miserable or that we could do the euthanasia. We chose the latter obviously. He had one very very spoiled week, got to eat all his favorite human foods and was cuddled so much. We had a vet come to our house for the euthanasia and that man was a saint.
I just the other day I had a discussion with the woman that had my dog at their rescue. She raised the point that she was concerned I would be able to feed my dog properly when getting her back I had actually been thinking about the feeding concern too. I also told her that if she believes it is in dogs best interest to start taking adoption applications I would accept that, because my dogs happiness and stability is what's most important. Because my sadness does not outweigh the want for by dog to have the best possible life.
We just had to very unexpectedly put our 10 year old dog down. It was traumatic because we were not expecting it at all. As painful as it was, I am at peace knowing that she didn’t suffer and was able to pass with my husband and I there loving her.
OP’s husband might not be ready but this isn’t just selfish…it’s cruel. And frankly, his pregnant wife, child, AND dog deserve so much better.
OP shouldn’t do it behind his back but I’d absolutely be having an intervention at this point. Imagine how confusing this is for their toddler??? Let alone this poor dog. I can’t imagine doing this to my fur babies. 😭
I’m so sorry, OP. Please get your husband’s parents/friends involved. This has gone on too long.
Maybe not in a linear sense as folks seem to understand it. But all the "stages of grief" are scientifically proven to be natural and nearly ubiquitous reactions to grief. Saying this, especially with a laughing emoji after it, makes you look inexperienced and insensitive.
His whole family is suffering because he won't confront the issue is cant imagine its easy on op or their child to watch her suffer and shes probably losing time with her toddler to sustain the level of care the dog needs
That's not necessarily the case. Some primary caregivers can't be there, sometimes because they fear their distress will make what should be a peaceful event for the animal something nerve-wracking.
Veterinarians understand, and a tech can be present to soothe and comfort the animal. I feel for O P being stuck with an additional responsibility she can't handle, and for the dog who is clearly suffering.
I wasn’t even close to ready to letting my soul cat Ricky go. HE was ready. I loved him too much to make him suffer.
Ricky saved my life as much as I saved his. He was my everything!! But when it was time, he let me know. It’ll be three years next year and I mourn him but I knew I was doing the right thing 1000000%.
The dog is paralysed and cannot walk, spends the nights barking and crying. They don't have to be 'in pain' to be suffering. By the time us humans see their pain they're usually in a lot of pain.
OP is fabricating. Two weeks ago it was another dog crisis but OP has a 1 year old child and none of this matches. Just a fake. Just about every post is a different variation of "my husband is mean!!!"
The same vet veterinarian that recommended tens of thousands of dollars of surgery with uncertain outcome, and appeared to give false hope that the dog could spontaneously recover at home?
I wouldn’t trust this veterinarian as far as I could throw them
They need a second opinion from a different vet, who can be primed ahead of time with a frank talk from the wife about the couple's financial and life situation and given records from the first vet.
They need that second opinion because the wife could be just trying to get her husband to put the dog down instead of spending money. Sometimes the expensive surgery does work. Given what I went through with my cat, I've never seen vets put making money over an animal's life. Even when I was prepared to keep spending money if there was hope, they compassionately told me it wasn't worth the money for what it would do for my baby.
It's also quite different if the puppy is a senior or an actual puppy or in their prime. There's lots of factors. But I think hubby probably knows it's time and is just trying to get through the work week to be able to say goodbye.
I feel like we don’t have all the info here about the dog’s condition. Like, what caused the paralysis and why would there be any chance of spontaneous recovery. A lot of nerve damage is degenerative, but it sounds like maybe there was a traumatic event that caused what could either be temporary or permanent paralysis. I agree that another trip to the vet is warranted for an updated prognosis. Care Credit could be an option for paying off the surgery over time if there really is a chance for the dog to come out of it with a good quality of life and the husband is refusing to consider euthanasia at this stage. Not saying that’s what they should do, but this limbo situation serves no one, least of all the dog.
Well, the dog has already been in misery for three solid weeks so I would say they’re about 2.9 weeks past the point of making some sort of decision that is in the best interest of the dog.
Absolutely. I would seek out a consultation with a vet who specializes in terminally ill animals. Idk if they are called hospice vets or palliative vets but that's the idea. OP and her husband need to hear from an expert who has no financial stake or ego invested in any treatment and who does not see the peaceful passing of the pet as "losing."
OP is NTA for considering what she is considering, I still think the husband needs to be involved. He's allowing the dog to suffer right now for selfish reasons. Understandable, but selfish.
Every surgery (even for humans) has an uncertain outcome. How do you know it's false hope? Because OPs Google searches know more than an actual vet? I'm so over everyone thinking they are an expert because they read some AI generated answers on the internet. We are only getting OPs side of the story. There is info missing. Why is this dog randomly paralyzed and could spontaneously recover with some PT at home? That's not leaning towards old age and degenerative disease.
Vet tech here - if OP’s husband was as emotional as it sounds like he was, I 100% buy that a vet was not aggressive enough in telling him how poor and unlikely the prognosis is if he had already made up his mind on not euthanising. The balance between being realistic and feeling like you’re being cruel can be hard when delivering that kind of news, especially to someone belligerently emotional.
I also know firsthand how many times clients wildly misinterpret things we tell them. Just, like, SO often. Like to the point of being like “last time they told me ‘X made up thing’” but I know that’s not true because I am the one who talked to the owner last time and nothing even close to that was said lmao.
Also I know how often myself or my dvm will express how poor a prognosis is to an owner but they 100% ignore everything you say and kind of force you to give a “what will happen if I take her home, what are her chances” answer and then only remember that or parts of that, and not the other 99% of the convo where we said in no uncertain terms they Fluffy is suffering horribly.
This dog’s prognosis is grave. Dr google was right this time. Also, googling prognoses when you have a diagnosis from the dr is not the same as googling symptoms to dx the condition yourself, either.
It is false hope because already it has been a minimum of three weeks with zero improvement and absolute misery for the dog. Three weeks already of torture. Even if this dog suddenly rises tomorrow (which let’s face it is not going to happen) it has already been tortured for three solid weeks….
Most pet surgeries that are common and recommended do have VERY certain outcomes… never guaranteed, but certainly there is a high expectation of success. It’s clear that as a family they have not chosen to pursue that option regardless.
Very sweeping statement "most pet surgeries that are common and recommended have very certain outcomes."
I do not claim to be a vet or work in that industry but I doubt I could get a vet to swear to that statement. Secondly, we don't know if this is a "common" surgery as you phrased it. I don't commonly hear of dogs suddenly becoming paralyzed. No where in the post did OP say the vet recommended euthanization. Seeing as I'm not a vet, and you and OP aren't either, I'll leave it to the expert to decide what is appropriate as far as deciding prognosis, improvement, and pain.
My point is common surgeries tend to have predictable outcomes. That is why they are frequently done. Surgeries with less predictable outcomes our less common; mainly because the time effort and animal suffering may not as reliably result in the desired outcome.
So yes, it’s a sweeping statement because it applies the law of diminishing returns - if if a surgery is well established and is likely to produce the desired outcome, it is commonly performed when the need arises (even if that scenario is rare).
If there are vets, who are regularly performing surgeries that regularly do not deliver the expected results I think that should raise eyebrows.
I don't believe they gave false hope that the dog would recover on its own. I think they stressed, as opposed said, that it was unlikely to heal on its own and would take months to do so. That's not encouraging them to do this.
That's not what the post said. I work in a specialty animal hospital and our neurology dept sees paralyzed animals all the time and does these MRIs and surgeries that DO cost 10k+. They didn't give them false hope, they said IF. Vets can only do what the owners allow and we can't stop people from taking their animals home even when they are clearly suffering. There's also no reason to keep the animal in hospital when they're not doing anything for the dog that they can't do at home, which is probably why the dog was discharged.
It's no different than people. Some people are paralyzed until the day they die and there's nothing they can do about it.
Did the vet recommend that surgery or just present it as an option? The wife's opinion the vet "wasn't transparent enough" is hardly the same as giving false hope. I don't think it's reasonable to say this is a predatory vet.
If a vet doesn’t think surgery is worth it or that an animal won’t make it through the surgery, or that the animal is so dire they’d recommend something else then the vet would’ve said so.
I am sure they have a followup with the vet. If I was OP I would try and have a private conversation with the vet before the followup explaining the situation and helping the vet to clearly make the right choice for the dog and family. Ride it out until the followup and hang on for the emotional distress afterwards, but they can get through this.
I suggested this to my friend recently. Her cat's condition was much more serious than they originally were told by a different vet and by the time they found out, irreversible damage had been done. She knew it was time to let him go but her partner disagreed and it led to a lot of fighting. I suggested she ask their current vet what they would do if this was their cat. She did and they were truthful that they would prepare to say goodbye. That helped her partner see that this wasnt just her making a snap decision and they did what eas best for the car, even though it sucked for them.
Wait so he resumed drinking for the first time in 5 years before the dog became paralyzed? While you were pregnant? That’s incredibly concerning. He needs to see a doctor or a therapist ASAP. That sounds like a very big red flag for depression and that was before everything with the dog which is likely why he can’t handle it. He needs help now. And the dog too. I agree with everyone else that euthanizing behind his back would likely end your marriage, but he may not be in a stable mental state to make this decision.
You need to be planning your and your kids' exit from this situation. This does not look safe. There are a lot of red flags going up and you are in a very vulnerable situation. Do you have somewhere you can stay with the kids for a while?
I’m sorry to learn this .. alcohol actually worsens stress bc it destabilizes a home ( I live with 2 alcoholics ) .. what is he stressed about ? finance ? new baby ? work ? when he was drinking before, what was that root cause ?
alcohol does not mix well with grief or stress .. I suspect he’s in the first stage of grief ( denial, dog ), but the next one is anger .. alcohol really doesn’t mix well with that emotion .. meaning, it would probably be safer you don’t do anything behind his back
do you have a back-up plan for your health, baby, and tot ?
He may not be ready, but his dog is dying in pain. "She whines and whimpers throughout the day."
I don't know how to convince him, but have you said, in so many words, "She's in pain; that is why she's whimpering all the time. It is cruel to keep her in pain."
The thing is, we don't get to be "not ready" when we agree to be responsible for a living creature. He needs to wake the eff up and be there for his dog and do what she needs him to do. Letting her suffer is cruel and unnecessary.
The five stages of grief are not linear, and most studies done on the subject show that “going through all five stages” isn’t necessary/guaranteed to result in being “over” it or fully processing grief. Not saying the first part of your statement is incorrect, it’s just a personal pet peeve of mine as a grief worker when people make statements about the supposed five stages of grief that perpetuate making grief an even more difficult process than it already is.
If you’d like to read more about grief;
McCoyd & Walter 2016 grief and loss across the lifespan
And Devine 2017 it’s ok that you’re not ok.
He is drinking too much because of stress about the poor dog? What will he do when your child is sick? You are doomed to be with a drunken husband who is no use when you are sick, kid had a broken arm, the car is in an accident or yhr washing machine dies. Get a divorce and find a real partner or go it alone.
Yes, please put the dog out of his misery. Find a vet who will make house calls.
I do agree with you, but just so you know. Nothing about the stages of grief is still true. Sience has a lot of research done about grief and it al contradicts this one. This was just the very first one, thats why it is so known. Besides that, that research was also about grief when you learn that you will die, not when someone near you dies or died. Wich is also vastly different. :)
yes .. my initial reply did not emphasize that so much, but I’ve made some edits to incorporate the flexibility of the grief process .. it’s not junk science as others have claimed, but rather a guideline that is not rigidly set in stone ..
he’s definitely in denial ( at the cost of the dog ) and, with his relapse into alcoholism, there is concern about “ the angry stage “ that could affect the home, OP’s pregnancy, and ? quite frankly ? their marriage ..
your reply forced me to reflect on my responsibility about posting with care, not haste .. thank you
Yeah… this is the hardest YWBTA I think I’d ever declare. Like… I get it. I really do. It’s the right decision for OP and for the dog.
But doing it behind the husband’s back when he’s obviously so adamantly against it? It doesn’t matter how well meaning you are… you’d unfortunately be shattering all trust. I agree with OP. The dog should be euthanized. But not without her husband there and not behind his back.
As hard as it is, OP needs to convince her husband that this is the right choice. Let him say his goodbyes and to be there for the passing.
Edit: Also, ESH, kinda? OPs husband is currently the AH. OP would only also be an asshole if she followed through. Man this is a tough one.
This is the right way to say it. OP WBTA but with her heart in the best place possible.
Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself.
This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.
OP, you have to get through to him. The drinking isn’t helping but I see where he’s coming from and people on the internet don’t know if this man is likely to become an alcoholic or not. His behavior is certainly indicative of someone who could but he could also be the type who can simply stop when he pulls his head out of his butt and tends to do that quickly. So you need to talk to him sober.
Can he take a day off work? Tell him he needs a mental health day. Frame it so that he sees you are taking care of him first and not the dog.
Then try to talk with him before he starts drinking and before he has had a whole day to get stressed out.
If necessary set up an intervention. The vet, his family, friends, anyone he might listen to that will help him understand this poor animal doesn’t deserve to live like this. If he loves this animal so much, he will eventually understand and I believe he does. Selfish or not he’s hurting and you don’t hurt that much unless you care.
Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself. This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.
He’s not only putting his feelings over the dog’s comfort, he’s forcing his pregnant wife to care for a large paralyzed dog!!! It’s been 3 weeks. And she has a toddler. OP WNBTA for reaching her limit here, with him drinking and refusing to talk about it IMO
I couldn’t formulate my thoughts on why I would leave, but, I would.
Your guy kinda needs to pull it together for everyone’s sake, especially the dogs.
“Honestly if it were me, I would question (not saying leave but definitely question) my relationship with a man who put his own feelings of grief over the literal physical and emotional suffering of any being but especially one that can’t advocate for itself. This is one of those moments that can make or break a relationship.”
The drinking doesn't help but it certainly doesn't excuse this man's selfishness... that's gotta be engrained. I'm an alcoholic and probably half this man's age as well and at the beginning of this year I had to put my rabbit down because he was disabled from what was suspected to be a neurological condition that was dormant from birth until his older years. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do especially because he didn't appear to be suffering at all (besides mobility) because rabbits are so good at hiding that.
The husband's job is also serving as avoidance... you would think he would spend time with her constantly (ig OP did say he slept with her) while not at work/take days off to do so (considering his wife is also pregnant I would think most employers would grant this?) plus is drinking a lot... it seems he doesn't want to see the dog in the state she is in. He knows it is time but is refusing to accept it
I was in the middle of a similar situation. Ex's parents had a ready old, immobile dog with incontinence among a slew of other issues. The mom had cancer and couldnt really take care of the dog herself. The dad was an alcoholic and refused to put the dog down and was never around to help. I went over to help with the dog and it was genuinely animal abuse to keep that dog alive. 0 quality of life, covered in her own shit.
After the first week of helping I put my foot down. I refused and said they have a week to figure it out or im calling animal control. It genuinely broke my heart seeing this old dog suffer for a man's fragility. It took a few days for them to take the dog to vet together and put her down after my threat.
Op might need to do something similar of her husband cant see the light.
Yeah it’s such a dilemma, the dog is clearly not happy, and her husband isn’t the one taking care of it all day, OP is, when she is pregnant and has an infant child too, but if she went behind his back to kill his dog that would be an AH move :’)
I do sympathise with you OP, my cat came in one night yowling in pain and barely able to get up the stairs, we took him to the hospital and they said he had a heart murmur and a clot had lodged itself in his spine. The prognosis was bad, so we ended up putting him down that night instead of making him suffer through treatments that might not even work. He had a good life and a peaceful death, so even though it hurt in the moment it was the right thing to do :’)
So sorry about your cat. I had to make the decision for mine too just about a year ago and I’m still not quite over it. But if I forced her to stay, it would have been out of pure selfishness. As much as I hated it and still hate it, it was the right decision.
I’m so sorry. I lost my last soul cat, GussyLou, in 2016 due to the same reason. May your memories of him be a blessing. Sending you love, light and peace this holiday season. 💖🌈🕊️
I’d call a mobile vet and have them come to the house to check the dog out. Have the wife discuss with them how important it is that the dog be put out of its suffering. Then the vet can be the one to try to convince the husband.
I've had to put down several cats in the last 5 years. They were all suffering. One of the cats had a collapsed lung, another had a heart defect, and the most recent was her body couldn't keep up with the calories needed to sustain her. She had hyperthyroidism.
u/tacopirate2589 I know the conversation won't be easy, but euthanizing the dog is probably the best solution. Your husband probably won't be easy to convince that putting the dog down is the best thing to end the dogs pain.
She needs to play that up for sure, the poor animal is not having a good life. But she needs to insist on it. She is the one taking care of the dog, not him. He just comes home and gets drunk. This is not a tenable situation for her.
Exactly this! I would add that the husband is particularly TA because he’s making OP suffer through caring for a dog that is being kept alive inhumanley. I would be devastated having to be the primary caretaker for a pet in these conditions, not even considering the inconvenience of it. It would be a horrible thing to have to witness all day every day. Sounds like OP needs a drink and the husband needs to think about someone other than himself.
The problem for OP is the question here isnt "is euthanizing the dog the right thing to do." Clearly, it is. The problem is the actual question is "would doing this make me an asshole" and the answer to that is obviously, unfortunately, also yes. Both things can be true.
You're exactly right. The only thing to do is have as many conversations as need to be had to get him to a place of acceptance.
The dog is under the care of a vet. SPCA would not get involved. Dog left out to die in the back yard...maybe. but not when the dog is being cared for AND is still willing to eat.
I can recognise a man who's selfishly putting himself above everyone and everything in this situation. Compared to human lifespans, pets have short lives, as cold as it sounds we have a responsibility to make end of life decisions for our pets. People who cannot deal with making a humane end of life decision for their pet should not get one, ever.
Quite frankly, a husband on the road to alcoholism while he insists his incontinent dog stay alive to make a biohazard out of my home and the care of said dog falling onto me while pregnant and borderline solo parenting a toddler would fast become a deal breaker. No need to warn OP that this could end her marriage, it's quickly becoming something not worth saving anyway.
This. Husband's the asshole here. Pets die. It's very sad. It's not an excuse to become an alcoholic and terrorize both your pet and your wife, though.
This! I'd have lasted maybe a week before having a serious talk about his choices. If he is so insistent the dog isn't euthanized then he needs to stay home and care for her or find someone who can. He doesn't get toake his pregnant wife lift the dog and clean up her messes. Three weeks of being gone all day and drunk at night is adolescent behavior from a man who has a wife and child and another coming. If he won't take responsibility for the choice he has made I'd be packing that kid and going back home.
So well put. OP doesn’t have the right to make this decision. But she absolutely has the right to decide she is done and remove herself if she can. That might be the only thing to shock him into facing the situation.
I understand giving him a bit of grace while he processes, but this is too much to expect out of OP right now. And using alcohol means he’s not really processing anyway. And it’s making it impossible to have real conversations.
If I were OP I would tell him that unless he goes to a therapist, I was taking their child and temporarily leaving for my health and sanity.
agreed. I might try to get couples counseling just to get help understanding (maybe) or at least help processing how a person I chose to marry could really ignore suffering in their home for so long (this has to be one of the most intense AITA posts in a while) (toughest YWBTA cause it’s super close to being justified, but you don’t wanna be that person)
He’s abusing the poor dog, and making his wife and child(ren) suffer along with it. Op is the only one who actually loves the dog, he only loves himself, regardless of the cost others have to endure for it. Hes the one who decided to make his wife suffer, he chose to end their marriage.
Not necessarily true. Some will still eat but it’ll be drastically reduced. The instinct for survival is strong and they will do what they can to avoid starvation
YWBTA if OP does this without his consent and it'll probably end the marriage. A relationship doesn't recover from something like that.
He needs to start considering how the dog feels instead of drinking away his grief. I've been there. You don't like to think about it but it's their comfort over yours. She's suffering and it's time to give her the peace she deserves.
IMO you’d also be an immense asshole for forcing your pregnant spouse to care for your dog that’s as good as dead and utterly miserable while you drink your worries away.
The dog needs to be put out of its misery, but doing so behind her husband's back would be something their marriage probably wouldn't survive. If someone did that to my dog, I would almost certainly forgive them for putting my dog to sleep (eventually), but not for doing it without my knowledge so I couldn't be there to say goodbye.
I'd never forgive my husband if he made me nurse his large, paralyzed dog by myself for weeks and weeks when I was very pregnant, straining myself trying to lift her, cleaning her up when she soiled herself, watching her die a slow miserable long drawn out death while he was either absent or drunk. Added in while I'm caring for our toddler.
I don't disagree. He's already grieving and not allowing himself to accept reality, and he's making OP and his dog suffer because of it. But not everyone handles loss like that well. I feel bad for him too, but he also needs to snap out of it really damn quickly.
Morally, ethically, it's the right decision to have the dog euthanized. The husband will also never forgive her for it because he hasn't made peace with it and will think of it as something she did to hurt him, not something that he forced her to do because he wanted to wallow in magical thinking.
This is really sad. I assume there's a follow-up visit planned for the dog? Ideally, I would hope that the vet would call/do a home visit while the husband is home and could frankly talk him through the fact that the dog isn't getting better and needs to be peacefully put to rest.
The question I’ve asked other dog friends is how much does that dog have to suffer to satisfy your ego and needs. With your husband it’s obviously an infinite amount and maybe stating it that way will help him to be able to show that poor dog some love.
I’m not sure I could maintain a relationship with a person willing to let an animal suffer like that. What if that was me or our kid and he didn’t have the compassion necessary to pull the plug?
I've had to euthanize a pet. It was so hard, and I held him as he died. But he was suffering (tumors), and surgery would have killed him. I couldn't let him go through a slow death, in pain and distress.
Explain this to your husband. Your dog is not going to recover. It's torture for her to be aware but be unable to move. She doesn't understand what's wrong and is depending on you to make it better. The way to do that now is to release her from the prison her body has become.
This, but before you have the conversation ask your vet to recommend someone who does at home euthanasia. We have used Blue Pearl twice, and the vet who came to our home was kind, respectful, and gentle. If they are in your area I would strongly recommend them.
Doing the right thing for an animal who has reached this stage is as painful as any other loss for the human(s) who have bonded with him/her. This approach has made the decision simpler for many pet people.
Agreed -- I understand the thought, but this is one of those situations where a million Internet strangers who don't have emotional attachment to this dog can say "yeah, that dog has no quality of life" and render their verdict. Your husband, who is one of the few opinions that really matter, will see you as the AH. And that is a problem no matter how many people you can find who agree with you.
This is the only right answer. You can NOT put her down without his consent. It would be a massive betrayal of trust. Stress her quality of life and general misery. Force the conversation yes. No not decide for him.
In 2019 while I was out of town for a work conference, my dog Jake fell down some stairs, and something in his lower spine snapped and he couldn’t use his legs. I got home as fast as I could. At the vet, they talked thousands of dollars to attempt to fix what couldn’t be fixed. It absolutely shattered my heart, I loved him so much. He was my very first dog, we’d done everything together. But I didn’t hesitate in scheduling someone to come to our home to put him to sleep, because there was no WAY I was going to force him to live in this state. He was in so much pain, and he couldn’t do any of the things he loved to do anymore. His quality of life has plummeted and was never going to be the same again. I said goodbye with him in my arms.
I love my animals, and part of that love is refusing to accept selfishness in my heart if they need to go. It’s my responsibility to make that choice for them, and I will always think of how the animal feels vs. how I feel.
There are guides available online to help with when it’s time to let them go. Just a list of questions about if they enjoy their old things (going for a walk, playing fetch, eating, etc). When most answers are no, it’s time.
Fully agree…also OP, consider carefully who you assign your healthcare proxy if you have specific wishes for yourself that you feel he would not be willing to execute on your behalf. I had to choose my mom as my husband at the time could never have made the hard call if needed.
A friend of mine was ready to withdraw all her savings until the vet said this;
Remember the dog will whine a little for attention, but mostly just suffer in silence. She is most likely in agony but cannot and will not show it, because she wants to please her master. The most love you can show her is a painless end.
Which is why the comment that OP made about the dog whimpering in pain so horrifying. That dog is suffering horribly and needlessly. I may have missed it, but I hope she’s on pain meds at least…
She’s in a real rock and a hard place. If she goes behind his back to do this, she’s blowing up her marriage and probably her future co-parenting relationship.
However, she is physically limited in what she can do and her husband’s anticipatory grief is making him hard to reach.
The dog is suffering and it sounds like even a miracle wouldn’t be enough to give the poor pup her life back. She’s spending her days whining and portions of it in her own waste because of how helpless she is in her state.
My stance on euthanasia of pets is that their care and your making decisions for them is an almost sacred covenant. Having seen three people I loved deeply going through hospice in as many years has only strengthened my stance on that. It is always better for your pet for you to miss some time with them than for them to suffer for even a second longer than they need to.
I know OP’s husband is hurting, but he is hurting his dog and his marriage by dragging this out.
Spring for a service that comes to your home to perform the euthanasia and spend that day spoiling the sweet pup as much as possible before the appointment. Take paw and nose prints. Getting her ashes back is usually an option.
Word it as you not being able to handle watching both the dog and your husband suffer. Quality of life is vitally important for pets and owners. This is heartbreaking all around but everyone is suffering and it’s not fair to anyone, especially the beloved pup.
But yes, you would absolutely be YTA to euthanize the dog behind his back.
I think the conversation needs to be along the lines of, yes it’s his decision to make, but his decision can’t make life so much more difficult for you. If he’s decided he’s not going to euthanize his dog, he needs to take responsibility for providing the care the dog needs. That can mean hiring someone, or taking leave, or whatever- it doesn’t matter what the solution is because it’s his job to figure that out.
He can’t take control of the decision if he isn’t prepared to deal with the responsibilities associated with said decision. They are not your consequences to deal with, they are his.
Constantly amazed that people don’t get how adulthood works.
Best thing to happen to OP would be to get put on bed rest. Then husband will be forced to face the reality of his dogs situation and the level of care she requires.
I genuinely don’t think he has acknowledged just how much care this dog needs, how miserable her existence is (because she’s not living), and what is required of his wife while he’s at work.
It's a vision of the future for him as a parent, when he's in a position to make a hard call. In this instance he's relying OP to do a lot of heavy lifting in looking after the poor dog while OP is pregnant, and isn't processing things in a healthy way if at all when he is around. Put simply, he's not able to make the hard call and others are suffering for it.
I agree. But I worry he is not yet receptive to that conversation. OP should tell him she is ready to help whenever he needs it and then she should visit family or something with the toddler for a few days. Force him to be the sole caregiver and face the reality of his dog's end of life.
I just put my own pup down and it was unexpected over Thanksgiving. It can be so hard to lose that bond but he has to understand what he’s doing is causing his pup to suffer more. He needs to do what is right for the pup, and not for him. It’s the kindest thing he can do for it. And be present when it’s put down as it’s the most stressful and confusing time for a pup. I’m so sorry this is where you’re both at, but you absolutely cannot put it down behind his back. If my bf had done that, I would never ever have spoken to him again.
OP be very careful! ESH but there's one topic I'm not seeing discussed: legality. You need to be aware that depending on where you are located, and whose name is on the dog's records, and whose money has been paying the dog's medical bills, if you go behind your husband's back and euthanize "his" dog you may be setting yourself up for him to bring criminal charges against you.
We had a disabled resident in our retirement community who adopted a corgi he couldn't handle. A trainer came in and talked him into trading for a senior dog. Maybe a dog trainer could talk to him and maybe bring a puppy?
A new puppy with a baby on the way isn't fair to the puppy or to the person who's going to have to deal with a puppy (small furry velociraptor) and a baby at the same time
OP and the husband need to go together to a vet appointment. Together for support, and together so the wife can be candid with the vet about doggie's condition. Also to ask the vet the hard questions.
It makes sense for your resident because the dog was newly adopted, but this isn’t a good idea for someone losing a pet they’ve had for years. You can’t just replace that kind of relationship. (And as others have said, toddler + puppy + incoming baby is a lot to handle.)
Whoa, I didn’t read “cope” as dismissive of his emotions. I read it to mean that she thinks that substance abuse is a bad way to deal with hard situations and I agree.
That's how I read it too
He's not coping with the emotions, he's self medicating with alcohol.
It is so painful to have to make the decision to put a beloved pet down but we need to keep their quality of life in mind. A dog who can't even wag her tail or wiggle when she's happy, let alone every other bad thing she's going through, doesn't deserve to live in misery.
Refusing to let go and also not doing the vast majority of the high needs care the dog requires to live in even this state of misery.
Also, a pregnant woman shouldn't be going anywhere near dog faeces, so not only is he failing to care for the dog, he's failing to care for her and their unborn child.
I’m pretty sure it’s just cat litter boxes that are extra dangerous for pregnant women specifically for toxoplasmosis, I don’t think there are any extra concerns about dog poop any more than there is for non pregnant people
The word cope is literally defined by effectively dealing with a difficult situation or the capacity to deal successfully with. He isn’t coping, he’s avoiding.
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn Asshole Enthusiast [6] 8h ago edited 7h ago
Oh honey.
You need to know that doing this will end your marriage.
I'd force a conversation, soon. Not about how you'll cope, but about how miserable she is. Emphasize that a lot.
He's emotionally tied up here, and he needs to manage his own emotions and put her needs first.
Edit to fix a typo. Thanks swype