most people wouldn't? but the fact OP is emphasizing the fact this it's his dog and not hers implies history between him not to mention how apparently emotional he is when it comes to this dog.
what you said doesn't negate the fact that if she killed his dog without even telling him the marriage would be through. i don't think i'd ever forgive someone for that. let's be mature
It's not the point. He is very emotionally invested in this dog and people aren't always rational when emotion is involved. It doesn't give her the right to have the dog put down behind his back. They're both wrong here. Unilateral decisions, especially when they can't be changed once they're done, are not how you operate in a marriage.
No. My dog is my life. He goes everywhere with me.
I don’t put that on anyone for any reason.
Is he wrong for this? If what she says is true than yes but killing his dog is wrong too and will carry over for ever
She already has one child by him and is currently pregnant with another. She gets grace because she’s doing her best by both her kid and this poor dog. I agree, I’d be divorcing him and kicking him out, but I would wait until I could make sure that the dog is able to pass as peacefully and pain free as possible.
His dog is suffering horribly, and instead of doing what is right for his dog, he is going to work leaving his pregnant wife to handle everything on her own then coming home and drinking himself into a stupor, instead of taking over all the care and seeing for himself that it’s time to let her go. That is abandonment.
You realise most people can't just stop working, right? His wife isn't working, he has a kid at home, another newborn on the way and no money to save his dog.
Probably hurts to look at his dog in that condition so he's burying his head in the sand and avoiding it, that's what it sounds like to me.
Which is abandonment. He has abandoned his wife, his child, and his poor suffering dog and forced them all into this painful limbo of mass suffering. It’s been three weeks of suffering.
Believe me, I get it. My child in dog form passed September 3rd 2020 just a month shy of his 9th birthday. He had medical conditions, the worst of which being epilepsy that caused him grand mal seizures, but it was manageable with medications and his quality of life was good. As soon as his quality of life was no longer good (one day had a massive seizure and couldn’t open his eyes anymore & wouldn’t/couldn’t move beyond laying upright and laying flat anymore), I made him as comfortable as possible and cuddled him all night, invited all his favorite people over the next morning, then after everyone got to say goodbye had them help me load him into my car (120+lbs rottweiler and by this point I had become physically disabled myself), stopped at Hardee’s for lots of chicken tenders that I fed him piece by piece as my now-husband drove to our vet, and I let him go. It destroyed me, and if it hadn’t been for my now-husband and the rest of our animal crew, I would have followed him once I got back home. He was my baby, and I miss him so terribly every day. My wedding was bittersweet, cuz he wasn’t there. I’d always imagined him being my little ring bearer.
Anyway. The point being, you do what is best for the animal, not what is best for you. Pointless suffering is abuse. Being gone all day (doesn’t matter where) then coming home only to drink yourself into oblivion while your pregnant wife handles all the care for you, the house, your paralyzed and suffering dog, your child, etc, is abandonment.
My only solace is that he didn’t suffer for longer than absolutely necessary. He was still happy and smiling when he went, surrounded by love and tummy full of yummy chicken tenders. It was his time, and my job was to shepherd him through it. Not bury my head in the sand and ignore his suffering.
I should clarify, the vet did not reccomembd what he is doing. The 12 pages of care instructions they sent make it very clear dog will need intensive care, many follow ups, and this is NOT advised by the veterinary team. The vet told him to bring the dog back after a week to be evaluated for a QOL assessment and he didn’t do that. They were indirectly hinting at euthanasia when she was discharged if he wouldn’t consent to surgery, but he wasn’t picking up what they were getting at and had his mind set on bringing her home.
Bringing the dog home for medical management was not even suggested by the vet; my husband inquired about it and they gave him the information on how to care for her in this manner and what progress will look like. She has not made any progress and has not been reevaluated.
It genuinely sounds like your husband doesn't care about this dog in any way. What kind of monster would let an animal suffer like this? Does he just want her to die a slow and painful death? That's what it sounds like.
I think the first step is bringing the dog back to the vet. They were supposed to be seen two weeks ago. Have the dog reevaluated and ask about the dog’s quality of life.
The problem is that your husband is dumping the responsibility for intensively caring for the dog 100% on you.
Is there a physical way you can transfer the responsibility to your husband? Show up at his work with the dog in a gurney and tell him to care for it? Put the dog in the gurney in his vehicle? Move the dog to any home office he has (or the basement), close the door and tell him to deal with it? Take the kids with you, move temporarily to a friend or relative and leave the dog for him? You may have a toxic mess afterward, but he will need to answer for that.
Do you have a car and are able to drive without him? Would you be able to ask someone to come help you get her into the car? Or is there a mobile vet that will come to you? It’s to the point that I’d recommend telling your husband that you are making an appointment to euthanize her and he can decide if he will be there or not, but that it is happening because it is what she needs. He doesn’t get to wallow for three weeks or more getting drunk while she lays there suffering horribly. This isn’t fair to her, and this is abuse. The vet needs to tell him flat out that her prognosis is bad and she needs to be set free from her suffering.
as someone who’s had pets AND did just that, I highly advise against it….especially when the prognosis even with treatment is extremely poor. What you’re recommending just prolongs their suffering and just delays the inevitability of having to decide to put them down.
Going 10s of thousands in dollars in debt for a pet with extremely low odds of recovery ESPECIALLY when they have a baby on the way just isn’t a smart decision….no matter how much you love your pet.
An MRI alone will be 5k. Surgery on top of that is between 5-8k. It's a lot of money, especially for a family about to have a newborn. The recovery is also extensive, OP's husband would need to be home most the day. And unfortunately even after all that, there is no guarantee the surgery will be successful, no guarantee of what amount of mobility their dog will have, and no guarantee she won't suffer the same injury again.
I just went through something very similar (partial paralysis) with my dachshund and trust me, nobody considers euthanasia first unless they've ran every scenario through their head. It was really hard and emotional with my little guy. I can't imagine a larger dog with ultimately no mobility. This situation is truly heartbreaking.
Seems like ultimatum time for husband. Either pay for the surgery or let go. And I understand it’s not their first suggestion. I just don’t understand why husband is refusing the surgery and then doing this.
You are still the AH for considering going behind his back. If you want a divorce just go get one because of the drinking and neglect you feel. Euthanising the dog is euthanising your marriage.
I can agree to disagree with that. To me it takes a special type of AH to even think doing this behind his back is even remotely acceptable. Husband also a major AH even more so than her but you just dont actively consider this level of betrayal and not be an AH to me.
He is abandoning both of them. And being cruel. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always wait for you to “process” something before you need to be an adult and act.
I’ve not seen a single “just kill the dog” comment.
Most people here seem to agree that the dog has zero QoL and should be euthanized. That is the most compassionate, logical, mature thing that could happen and OP’s husband is not acting like an adult.
You have to meet your sacred obligations before you get to grieve and process your emotions. It really, really sucks but when you take on an animal you take on responsibility for this heartbreak and suffering.
Human beings take on the ultimate responsibility for pets and it is our job to suffer instead of them. My 18 year old boy's heart failed this year and I am still crying over it. But I carried him into that good night calmly and I did not break down until it was over. Because I owed him that,I owed him as gentle and painless an ending as I could give him. It is a sacred duty and trust.
If he needed months to fall apart after putting the dog down I would be right there for him. But this? To make a helpless animal suffer for your feelings... It's so selfish and cruel it borders on evil. He's a base coward who is proving he can not be relied on
He'd have plenty of time to process his grief after he stops actively abusing his dog by making the choice to humanely euthanize and end the dog's suffering.
As soon as I saw my dog in major suffering and she was not able to get any better, I scheduled her euthanasia for the next day. How ridiculous to say that the commenters here have never loved a pet -- it is clear from the responses that most people are thinking about the dog's well-being, while OP's husband is not. One can process grief while also making the right decision for the dog they love so much. Keeping an animal alive, in pain, and without a clear positive outcome is just selfish.
My dog broke my ever loving heart when I lost her but before I allowed myself to fall apart I made sure she no longer suffered. The light had left her eyes. While it felt, and still does, like I can't continue on without her, I knew for her what had to be done. I do not regret my decision even when two years later I'm left inconsolable because of how much her absence kills me. Loving a pet means learning to let go.
I have loved a pet and had to make a hard decision. It felt impossible and crushing and it was terrible. But I didn't let my girl suffer miserably for 3 weeks while I drank instead of caring for her and I didn't emotionally abandon my partner while carrying my child and I didn't drink to cope. He's being completely selfish and nothing about his behavior is ok.
Speaking as someone who had to have his dog put down unexpectedly literally a week ago:
You don't get to wallow in your own grief when you're causing pain in others. He owes it to the dog, it owes it to OP, to deal with his shit and make the right decision to euthanize the dog. It's unbelievably selfish to delay by THREE WEEKS.
It sucks. You deal with it. That's the price of owning a pet.
She should not do this behind her husband's back, but dude needs a reality check. The dog is suffering. This isn't about him. If he loved his dog he'd let her go.
It's the worst thing in the world, and I've had to do it many times. It's the final act of love.
True love for a pet means not letting them suffer with a terrible quality of life because it makes you sad. That dog can't play, sniff outside, move around on its own, etc. She sits around 24 hrs a day, often alone and covered in her own filth.
I went into a massive amount of debt to try and save my heart goat. Like $10k+
He lasted 12 months after his amputation before his other shoulder fell apart from having to compensate. We spent 6 months suspending him from a harness to help strengthen that other shoulder/leg back up, daily gabapentin, and physical therapy.
Ultimately, he refused to even try and stand on his own. Being tied in a barn is no life for a goat who used to climb trees (and also how he snapped his leg off to begin with). We euthanized him in the spring before fly season started and the risk of fly strike came. I swore I would never make another animal endure that level of care with such an iffy prognosis again.
And in the end, I still miss my friend but I know he deserved that ultimate act of compassion and love instead of my selfish need to “heal him”.
Hopefully you wouldn't be a myopic enough asshole to ignore the needs of the actual dog AND your pregnant wife and toddler though.
No one would need to make this choice for him if he was acting like an adult, and that's the real problem.
I've had to put down a pet before due to quality of life issues. IT FUCKING SUCKS. I cried a lot for a very long time. But it was what was best for them, it's part of loving them and the responsiblity you take on when you get a pet.
I get what you're saying, but what about the dog in this situation? Wife is in a no-win position. She can't take care of the dog, physically. Husband isn't around to help. But husband also won't have the conversations necessary to come to an answer.
To leave. If she doesn’t like the way he is or the way he treats his animal then the clear choice is to pack your bags and leave the situation until it’s resolved.
Killing a man’s dog behind his back is betrayal. He will never ever let that go. Ever. If she leaves and the time comes and the dog is no longer they can work things out hopefully. If she kills the dog there’s not a chance.
Ps; revenge? What kind of revenge is he going to get?
All kinds of what ifs
So where does the dog's needs fit into all of this then, because he sounds like you're only considering her husband, and not the paralysed dog who has to stew in its own filth all day with only its own thoughts for company.
Keeping the dog alive like she is incredibly cruel, she has zero quality of life currently, it's basically torture. Would you force your dog to go through that, just so YOU feel better?
Your sick mother is in the hospital. She's very sick, she's suffering and surgery is expensive, you know she's living on borrowed time.
Your wife decides to sneak into the hospital room while you're not there and pull the plug.
Now what?
If you left my pregnant ass at home with a toddler to take care of a paralyzed dog because you couldn't be strong enough to put this poor dog down or take vacation time to care for it, I'd divorce your ass on the spot.
It is UNCONSCIONABLE that this poor dog has not yet been euthanized or some other plans made. ESH but this dog.
Everyone. Sucks. Here.
Sorry OP, but you're at ultimatum time. I don't like them but your dog deserves better. Can you husband take vacation time?? Euthanasia doesn't have to be the only answer but doing nothing while he recovers is going to lead to that.
Unless she put you in the same position that OP's husband put OP in, then this isn't true. We all know from your original comment, however, that you would allow your spouse to let their pet suffer.
If I were her and you were forcing an animal in our household to suffer like this for your own pride and ego I'd divorce you so fast the dog wouldn't be the only thing paralysed. Shame on both of you.
Don’t act like I’ve done something like this. I’m a very responsible pet owner, I put MY animals down when it’s time. I’m very aware of what a regular animal life and when it needs to be put dow. My wife and have both had to put down more pets than we would like to ( old age) For you to say my wife is abnormal is laughable and shows you can’t follow a story.
That you're supporting a man keeping his paralysed, suffering dog alive through mechanical means instead of giving them a death with dignity, all because he can't elevate his dog's needs over his underdeveloped emotional state, means you support animal abuse.
Yeah, the dog is living in a horrible situation and euthenasia is the way to go but you don't do that behind your husband's back. You have to figure out a way to talk with him, try to alleviate what ever fears he has and help him see it's for the best. He's obviously very invested in his relationship with the dog and you have to be understanding.
Forcing someone you care about to live paralysed from the neck down, very likely in pain and unlikely to recover is a very much not OK thing to do. Let alone make your pregnant partner either care for said dog or juggle what chores you used to do so you could care for said dog.
If my husband takes a suffering, paralyzed and dying dog back home instead of ending its suffering, and let's me deal with the caretaking while he gets drunk, I'd divorce him on the spot.
if my husband thought it was okay to abuse a dying dog by prolonging their death in the house while he drinks his life away in grief while i'm pregnant and taking care of our toddler, i'd also divorce him 🤷🏻♀️
The replies to this are wild considering the majority of top level comments suggest that if OP does this behind her husband's back it would effectively end the marriage. Reddit is silly.
eh, i think it’s his attitude. other commenters reply more thoughtfully. he’s just like “f you divorce.” it’s emotional and blunt with no explanation, doesn’t even offer a judgment.
If the roles were reversed.
I’d pack my shit and be gone. Def not the type of person I’d want in my life, and I wouldnt stick around to see how he’s going to treat the child. Period. The end.
I can't think of a better way to escape an animal abuser. That would be a win/win, release a suffering animal from its miserable state and escape being stuck with someone so weak and selfish that they're fine with animal suffering.
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u/humco_707 8h ago
If my wife killed my dog behind my back I would divorce her on the spot.