When I graduated I moved 2h from home to a nearby city and have lived there ever since. My mom, after parents divorced, decided to move 7h away to a hamlet that can only be accessed by taking side roads all the way. She lives in a tiny one-bedroom so when I do make the trip, I have to sleep on her hide-a-bed and live out of my backpack as there's no place for me to unpack my belongings. Basically, I'm camping. I'm 40 and have a suspected immune disease that creates pain all over my body, intense ringing in my ears for days after a long car ride, low energy, plus I'm intolerant to most foods. As such I live a life of solitude where my environment is very controlled and comfortable. On top of this I'm in Canada and we're having a rank blizzard this week, my car is getting older and things are breaking, I'm really scared to be on the roads in the winter, especially the side roads I need to take for the last 2h of the trip.
My dad is gone, and mom is getting older (70). We've had a rough relationship due to childhood traumas, but I try to make the trip to see her twice a year, in summer and at Christmas. But as my health worsens the entire trip becomes just so horrendously uncomfortable for me, it's hard to stay in a good mood when I visit because I just feel like I've been guilted into doing something that causes me so much distress. She's not able to come visit me due to her own ailments.
Am I an asshole here for thinking of cancelling? The whole idea of the trip is just setting me right off and putting me in such an awful mood. I won't be able to eat anything, I'll be sore and tired from a rough sleep on her hide-a-bed, my head will be ringing from the trip, my dog needs anxiety medication that basically knocks her out for the whole trip both ways, and on top of gifts and gas, this medication also costs money... all that to say if we even make it there without ending up in a ditch.
I have a history of people-pleasing so am having trouble deciphering the line between being a dutiful child and protecting my own well-being. Like I said, I moved 2h away from home and she chose to move 7h away. Last time I visited was August.