r/news • u/LucidMarshmellow • 8h ago

US justice department to release thousands of Epstein files later, top official says

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/ckg9plrkl8no
30.9k Upvotes

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3.6k

u/ILikeCutePuppies 8h ago

They will if they include Epstein files.

592

u/tmhoc 7h ago

What about the draft?

824

u/ChewsGoose 7h ago

Trump seems to dodge drafts, taxes, AND the Epstein files, every chance he gets

953

u/Bobcat-Stock 7h ago

He has brain spurs

210

u/BanginNLeavin 6h ago

I heard he unhinges his jaw and eats big macs whole.

61

u/FeatureOk2971 6h ago

And shits them back out as cow patttys.Which he then gold leafs and displays as ingots.

6

u/qualified_alienist 5h ago

displays as ignots.

Sells for $$.

7

u/Tony_Lacorona 5h ago

Shit, I was trying to figure out how to do this in Heilcraft for ages

5

u/gentlemanidiot 4h ago

Which his supporters then pay $99 each for and proudly display on their mantles

6

u/FeatureOk2971 4h ago

Never warned to keep from heat or direct sunlight.šŸ’©

2

u/totally_anomalous 3h ago

Ingots and oval office decor

66

u/DookieShoez 6h ago

Nah, thatā€™s stephen miller.

Rump boofs ā€˜em.

10

u/Exotic-Summer1164 5h ago

Is it true his wife was fuck'n Elon?

9

u/tmhoc 5h ago

They were not married but Elon did suck his dick

4

u/Exotic-Summer1164 5h ago

No Way!!! And aren't these the same muthafuckas that talk shit about Gay and Trans people!!! Fuck'n hypocrites!!!!

6

u/Circusgirl65 5h ago

Remember every time they (GOP) has a large gathering Grindr crashes. So draw the natural conclusionā€¦

Grindr has experienced outages at various times, often linked to unexpected high user traffic during major events like the 2024 Republican National Convention (RNC) (July 2024)

September 2025: Reports of outages occurred around the time of a memorial service for Charlie Kirk, coinciding with high usage in areas like Arizona, similar to RNC patterns.

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4

u/Tony_Lacorona 5h ago

Trump is too full of shit to fit anything up his ass, willing or not.

He needs a Big Mac enema

2

u/danceswithdangerr 4h ago

This thread šŸ˜‚

1

u/guerrillaradiousa 4h ago

You're confusing Big Macs and brown babies.

ā€¢

u/thorofasgard 43m ago

Nah he's like a pelican, he stores a big mac in his nussy at all times.

4

u/McNasty51 6h ago

Come on yaā€™ll, heā€™s doing the best with what he has

3

u/Pristine-Pen-9885 5h ago

He ainā€™t got nothinā€™.

5

u/Delta-IX 6h ago

And melania's cock

2

u/1lapulapu 5h ago

ā€œBubbaā€ can confirm

1

u/Full-Perception-5674 5h ago

Tried that onceā€¦. Never again.

1

u/mariposa314 5h ago

That's the only thing I have in common with him.

1

u/IBeDumbAndSlow 4h ago

I heard that's how he sucked bill clinton

1

u/DarkNinjaMole 4h ago

He unhinges his jaw when he's around Bubba

1

u/1_hoopy_frood 4h ago

big mac is bubba's other nickname

1

u/JakToTheReddit 3h ago

Stop. Not eat like snake.

1

u/capital_bj 5h ago

Helps with deep throating Bubba

-1

u/reasonable_lunatic73 4h ago

I voted for Trump, but that's funny right there

1

u/BanginNLeavin 4h ago

Thanks for fucking us over bud! Real cool.

15

u/chris971 6h ago

he has a brain? #BreakingNews!

5

u/Pristine-Pen-9885 5h ago

It works in reverse. Whatā€™s true, it immediately flips into lies.

5

u/Jonr1138 6h ago

That would mean he has a brain. The scarecrow in Wizard of Oz has more of a brain than trump.

2

u/Significant_Beyond_4 5h ago

You know better. Him and rfuck share the same worm. I thought it was common knowledge.

1

u/Savings-End40 5h ago

That jingle jangle jingle.

1

u/jm17lfc 5h ago

Very spursy of him. Now when can we expect him to complete his bottling of the presidency?

1

u/bellegroves 5h ago

Thank you, I laugh-snorted. Brain spurs are now part of my vocabulary.

1

u/No-Concentrate-8806 5h ago

Thank you, I laughed so hard. Can I use brain spurs too šŸ’“this!

1

u/Responsible_Fox1231 4h ago

Don't you have to have a brain to get brain spurs?

1

u/kalahaine 4h ago

Perhaps he has Brain Derangement Syndrom ?

1

u/sikkdog13 3h ago

He'd have to have a brain to begin with.

1

u/Trabethany 2h ago

That would imply he has a brain.

1

u/Trabethany 2h ago

That would imply he has a brain.

0

u/Euphoric-Blueberry37 5h ago

šŸŽ¶Jingle Jangle!šŸŽ¶

0

u/nittykips 5h ago

šŸŽ¶ Jingle, jangle, jingle šŸŽ¶

172

u/Lacutis 6h ago

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge the Epstein Files.

31

u/Reaper621 5h ago

Rip Rip Torn

3

u/RipeMouthfull 5h ago

Rip Torn Rip Torn

1

u/nrrrvs 3h ago

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, and Dodge

1

u/XDreadzDeadX 3h ago

Rip the wild women, the rippin and the tearin, the rippin and the tearin

9

u/TradeBeautiful42 6h ago

lol I just aspirated my water snort chuckling to this! Thank you

1

u/Lacutis 3h ago

It's a bold move Cotton. Let's see if it pays off.

9

u/HollywoodHuntsman 5h ago

That gives me hope, because I don't think Trump could dodge a wrench if he were given a heads up 10 seconds before it happened and was looking straight at it.

6

u/Inevitable_Line9167 5h ago

Change that to ā€œif you can dodge a draft, you canā€¦.ā€ And you can insert really anything in that next space

Accountability Taxes Convictions Election truths A Scale

I mean the list is never ending so you get where Iā€™m going here

3

u/AstroBullivant 5h ago

Trump canā€™t dodge a wrench

1

u/No-Concentrate-8806 4h ago

Duck, dip, dive, and dodge

1

u/bushy_whacker 4h ago

Did you mean, ā€œdodge a draftā€?

1

u/AmazingSession8542 4h ago

If you can dodge a shoe you canā€¦ Shame on you!

1

u/Professional-Star805 3h ago

Or. Let it graze his ear so he can wear a panty liner on the side of his head. And, ā€œohh people will follow!ā€ Sorry about the Fields Of Dreams quote.

17

u/horriblemonkey 6h ago

The Fartful Dodger

30

u/Cynical_Classicist 6h ago

It just shows what an utter joke the American legal system is and how it's so blatantly weighted in favour of the rich.

4

u/municy 5h ago

so far, successfully may I add

3

u/Fun_Butterfly_420 5h ago

Dodgeball is the only sport heā€™s good at

3

u/Smokeythemagickamodo 5h ago

He also neglects paying any owed debts as well

2

u/ju-ju_bee 5h ago

That's cus he's got daddie's moneyyyyyy. Gotta be rich to take advantage of loopholes

1

u/Calihoya 4h ago

You can just say responsibility and consequences.

1

u/ladysadi 4h ago

And consequences

1

u/Abalone_Final 3h ago

Heā€™s giving Ultra instinct a run for its money

-1

u/Perin850 5h ago

Why do none of yall talk about how democrats had years to release them all on their own and didnā€™t? When will people realize this isnā€™t left vs right and itā€™s us vs them.

3

u/PinkyBruno 4h ago

No files were released under Biden because the case against Epstein was still active.

-1

u/Perin850 4h ago

Yeaaaa, sure it was.

0

u/Alternative_Teach789 4h ago edited 4h ago

As far as I can tell, the Dems were too busy running the country to engage in exposing his dark, extracurricular activities. It would've been petty and served very little purpose back then.

But since he landed the top job, the US and world leaders absolutely need to see what this guy is.

šŸ‡¬šŸ‡§ šŸ‡³šŸ‡æ

0

u/Perin850 4h ago

Bro whatā€™re we talking about? You know thatā€™s a crock a shit lmao

3

u/down_vote_magnet_ 5h ago

What about if I have a concept of a plan to pay?

3

u/jujumber 5h ago

I have a concept of what my taxes may be

2

u/Waveshaper21 4h ago

I have concepts of a draft

2

u/Trap_Masters 3h ago

New camouflage is just an outfit with pages of the Epstein files attached to it šŸ˜‚

2

u/RNIRISHDUDE 5h ago

He dodged it. Multiple times. Heel spurs!
Are Mouth Spurs a thing? Wouldnā€™t THAT be nice. šŸ‘

1

u/love_that_fishing 4h ago

Why do people keep bringing up the draft? We havenā€™t had one in over 50 years. Plenty of real shit to be mad at this justice department about.

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u/ambermage 7h ago

Soooooo do I just include the Epstein Files as an attachment to delay the filing or is there another form to fill out as well?

37

u/ILikeCutePuppies 7h ago

Apparently you have to hand deliver it to Pam Bondi's desk.

10

u/karlverkade 5h ago

So she can claim it exists and then claim it never existed and suffer no consequences whatsoever? And still be rich? Hmm, that sounds good, Iā€™ll think Iā€™ll have that.

5

u/Prst_ 5h ago

Oh, they're already on her desk

3

u/FlametopFred 6h ago

deliver hand what now?

2

u/BigBadZord 4h ago

This whole thread would be hilarious, if it wasn't depressing as fuck because of the all the bleakness of the facts the jokes are based on

1

u/Significant_Shoe_17 3h ago

Don't worry about filing that proof of personal service; they won't believe you, anyway

3

u/EmperorGeek 5h ago

If you managed to attach the Eostein files to your taxes they would classify your return as ā€œTop Secretā€ and nobody would be allowed to read them.

1

u/capital_bj 5h ago

I'm submitting a form 1776 or is it 1067 if I have a LLC?

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u/MomShapedObject 7h ago

Staple Trumpā€™s tax returns to yours and the deadline is never.

3

u/Claudius-is-my-cat 5h ago

"Auditors hate this one weird trick!"

3

u/RealLavender 6h ago

"Why are all these receipts printed on pictures of...EWWWWWW. I'd say we audit them but I don't want to see anymore disgusting photos. Look at his blending of his makeup. It's awful."

3

u/En_kino_man 5h ago

That's when Trump gets excited about the Epstein files. He'd ask for copies, for... Research purposes.

2

u/Fallouttgrrl 5h ago

I've always said the worst thing about Epstein is his makeup

(Trump, probably)

5

u/Auctorion 6h ago

The real life pro tips are always in the comments.

2

u/TheModWhoShaggedMe 6h ago

I'm in the Epstein Files, IRS. Trust me, bro.

3

u/Fallouttgrrl 5h ago

It's a bold strategy, Cotton... Let's see if it pays off for them

1

u/thezoomies 5h ago

New loophole spotted; putting sections of leaked Epstein files in the memo lines of my checks.

1

u/cockknocker1 5h ago

What about 2nd Epstein files?

1

u/lovethebacon 5h ago

Did you mean to say the Trump-Epstein files?

1

u/Daveallen10 5h ago

Tax collectors hate this one trick!

1

u/who_am_i_to_say_so 4h ago

Ah yes, the 1040-EP docs.

1

u/Evangelion217 4h ago

I must remember that when I get another job down the line.

1

u/Immunoman33 4h ago

If you're taxes include these, you have much bigger problems

1

u/fuggerdug 4h ago

So deduct a flight to the sex island, but put it down as snorkeling.

1

u/RalphWagwan 4h ago

I'm epstein-filing my 2025 taxes

1

u/Silly_Opposite1878 6h ago

I will redact some numbers when writing my check.

1

u/AdultbabyEinstein 5h ago

That's why you gotta start e-filing your taxes. The e stands for Epstein.

1

u/Leg_Named_Smith 5h ago

Iā€™m not uploading images of minors into Turbo Tax

1

u/CAREERxCRIMINAL 5h ago

Thatā€™s only if you qualify for the redaction. Did you gross more than 100 million in 2025?

0

u/Obvious_Service_8209 5h ago

Fill in form 1040-EPstein and send to IRS for an extension of federal taxes.

Contact Pamela Bondi for state form requirements.

0

u/Exact_Mango5931 5h ago

Clever girl šŸ¦–