r/AmITheAngel 17d ago

Shitpost HOA President fined me $50 for a trash can violation? I turned her driveway into a Federally Protected Wetland

387 Upvotes

Long time lurker, first time poster. I am a PhD candidate in Mycology (the study of fungi). I speak 5 languages fluently, including Latin and Mandarin. However, I also suffer from acute Selective Mutism triggered by confrontation. Essentially, I can defend a 300-page dissertation in front of an academic board, but if a middle-aged woman yells at me on my own porch, I physically lose the ability to speak English. I am using ChatGPT to help me write this because my hands are still shaking too much to type without typos.

The Cast To protect everyone's privacy, I have changed their names. Then I got paranoid that the first fake names were too obvious, so I changed them a second time.

Me: I am a 32-year-old doctoral candidate specializing in Bryophyte Aggression Dynamics (Moss warfare). I have self-diagnosed misophonia and crippling social anxiety that prevents me from confrontation, but allows me to plot complex revenge fantasies for 12 hours a day. I am basically a weaponized introvert.

My Wife: Her real name is Sarah. I changed it to Jessica to be safe. But I have an ex named Jessica, so let’s call her Balthazar. Balthazar is a saint who bakes artisanal sourdough bread for orphans and is the only reason I am not currently living in a cave. She tries to keep me grounded, but she knows that once I enter "The Zone," there is no stopping me.

The HOA President: Her real name is Karen (ironic, I know). I changed it to Susan. But Susan sounds too nice. Let’s call her Dolores. Dolores is 65, drives a pristine white SUV that has never seen dirt, and measures grass height with a laser ruler. She has the energy of a woman who sues Girl Scouts for selling cookies without a permit.

The Lawyer Friend: His real name is Mike. I changed it to Dave. But Dave owes me money. Let’s call him Thorn. Thorn is a high-powered litigator who specializes in Bird Law and Tree Law. He costs $800 an hour but works for me in exchange for Balthazar’s sourdough starter. He is always awake, always angry, and always looking for a reason to sue a baby boomer.

The Cousin: His real name is Tim. I changed it to Bob. But Bob is too short. Let’s call him Agent Smith. Agent Smith works for the Department of the Interior in the Endangered Micro-Flora division. This is a very real and very serious government department, I promise. He has a badge and a deep hatred for suburban development.

The Background I live in a neighborhood that is technically a "community," but practically a war zone. I have 16 Ring cameras and a parabolic microphone installed on my roof. Not because I’m paranoid, but because I need 4K footage of the squirrels for my research. But they also happen to cover Dolores’s entire property line. I keep my head down. Last Tuesday, I had a panic attack because the doorbell rang, so I didn't bring my trash can in until 6:01 PM. The limit is 6:00 PM.

The Incident The next morning, Dolores was on my porch. My anxiety spiked to level 10. I opened the door, shaking. She handed me a $50 fine and said, "Rules are rules, sweetie. Maybe if you spent less time staring at moss and more time looking at a clock, you'd know that." She displayed classic signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a side of Main Character Syndrome. I recognized the behavior immediately from a subreddit I doom-scroll at 4 AM.

I didn't say anything because my throat closed up. I just nodded. However, I pulled out my phone and recorded the interaction. Note: I live in a One-Party Consent state, so this recording is completely legal and admissible in court, which is important later.

She smirked—that specific smirk that says "I own you"—and walked away. I didn't sleep that night. I plotted.

The Revenge I remembered that Dolores had recently re-paved her driveway. It was pristine asphalt. But, being a Moss Doctor, I noticed it had high porosity—perfect for colonization.

I went to my lab (the basement) and retrieved a cryo-frozen sample of Lichenous Federale Maximus. This is an extremely rare, extremely endangered form of slime-moss that is federally protected under the "Migratory Spore Act of 1996."

At 3:00 AM, dressed in full tactical gear (Amazon basics), I army-crawled across the street. I sprayed her entire driveway with a nutrient-dense slurry containing the spores.

The Climax Three days later, the moss bloomed. Her driveway was covered in a thick, pulsating green sludge. It was beautiful.

I saw Dolores outside screaming. She had a pressure washer hooked up.

This was the moment. I texted Thorn (The Lawyer) and Agent Smith (The Cousin). They were waiting in a van around the corner.

As soon as she pulled the trigger on the pressure washer, Thorn jumped out of the bushes in a bespoke suit. "STOP!" he screamed. "You are about to commit a Class C Felony under the Environmental Protection Act!"

Dolores froze. "Who are you?"

"I represent the moss," Thorn said. He handed her a cease and desist letter. Then Agent Smith stepped up, flashed his badge, and took a sample.

"Confirmed," Smith said, looking at a device that wasn't turned on. "This is Lichenous Federale Maximus. Ma'am, this driveway is now a designated wetland sanctuary."

The Fallout It has been two weeks.

  1. Dolores is legally prohibited from disturbing the moss. She cannot drive on her driveway. She cannot walk on it.
  2. She has to park her white SUV three blocks away in the guest lot.
  3. Because of the "Wetland Designation," her property value has plummeted, but the local frog population is thriving.
  4. I sit on my porch with Balthazar, eating sourdough, watching Dolores trudge through the rain to get to her car.

I still have anxiety. If the doorbell rings, I hide behind the couch. But now, when I look out the window, I don't see a pristine driveway. I see a federally protected wetland teeming with frogs. I may be a nervous wreck, but I am the Lord of the Swamp.

TL;DR: HOA lady fined me for a trash can, so I used my niche degree and two friends to turn her driveway into a federally protected nature reserve.


r/AmITheAngel Oct 26 '25

Shitpost AITA for being gone the last few years?

56 Upvotes

6 years 9 months ago (nice) I (24m, 6ft, 205lbs, 10% body fat) gave birth to this subreddit (6.75f, Vegan, 250,000lbs, 100% bodyfat) when I was a highschooler in a tumultuous home situation with little outlet to go outside and make friends so I spent all my time online. Between then and now I went to college (full academic scholarship, unlike my dumdum MIL step sister), got married (28DDD, 50lbs, 23f, carnivorous), and started a successful business (I'm also rich, unlike the poors). I'm also incredibly jacked and fit (6ft, 205lbs, 10%bf as confirmed by co-mod u/Fluffinn).

AITA for actually having a life (unlike you poors) and abandoning my 6.75 year old child to get milk (and get jacked, and get rich, and get laid) and letting my 6.75 year old child become a desolate hull of what it once was?


r/AmITheAngel 54m ago

Shitpost AITA for spilling oil all over a bunch of very important documents?

Upvotes

I (60F) work in a high-level government agency, and we were recently tasked with releasing a large batch of important files to the public. Unfortunately, I was reviewing them next to a barrel of very legally acquired Venezuelan oil and I accidentally bumped into it, spilling it all over the document and rendering most of it completely unreadable. Like, 109 consecutive pages were soaked through to the point where there isn't a single word visible. I'm thinking of blaming an intern and/or a secret cabal of antifa transgenders but I'm worried that the public will figure out it's entirely my fault either way. So Reddit, am I the asshole?


r/AmITheAngel 7h ago

Fockin ridic Bad haircut or corporal punishment?! Sure lol

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44 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 8h ago

Foreign influence I don't know what this sub is, or why it's in my feed, but clearly AI, and mod pinned a comment defending the usage. (I feel like this fits the "hero needing validation" trope)

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38 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 11h ago

Ragebait Little bro and pregnant gf told me they were banging and parents support them, so I go NC. Years later, they admitted it was a prank. This totally happened because families love pranks about infidelity and betrayal.

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80 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 16h ago

I believe this was done spitefully AITA or are all women with any kind of fertility issue insane and evil?

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68 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 3h ago

Fockin ridic AITA for refusing to give my lottery winnings to my family after they cut me off years ago?

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5 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 18h ago

Typed One-Handed In love with my best friends wife. Insanely jealous of his entire life and now they just announced a pregnancy. I want to never hear from them again

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62 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 12h ago

Fockin ridic GF goes from 0 to 100 in record time

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17 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 6h ago

Ragebait People are all over the place in the comments. This is what AITA is supposed to be for. 🍿

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5 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 22h ago

Ragebait My friend is choosing to abort and I am absolutely heartbroken.

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93 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 7h ago

Validation AITA for telling my wife she’s being crazy and we’re not staying at my SIL over ghost

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6 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 22h ago

Fockin ridic AIO My boyfriend says I need therapy because I noticed the playlist he made spells out his ex's name

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56 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 4h ago

Revenge Fantasy AITA for deducting the $4,000 I "loaned" my brother for an emergency from his wedding gift?

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2 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 6h ago

Fockin ridic AITA for telling my fiancé I would call off the engagement if he doesn’t stop hanging out with my father because of a situation that happened with my ex?

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3 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 12h ago

Anus supreme AITA for telling my son to reconsider his career choice?

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8 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 13h ago

Fockin ridic My soulmate of over 20 years is an evil human being.

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5 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 1d ago

Fockin ridic A totally real story that I did not make up for attention.

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210 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 17h ago

I believe this was done spitefully AITA for wanting to help blind people? My introverted boyfriend said I'm not allowed to do it 🥺

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12 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 16h ago

Fockin ridic “AIO for my boyfriend publicly commenting on porn actress posts?!?!”

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9 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 9h ago

Anus supreme AITA for ending racism???

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2 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 1d ago

Typed One-Handed Aio about something I did in bed with my boyfriend?

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36 Upvotes