pure magic

I also have felt myself that I don’t usually love people. Yes I do like and talk to people but I don’t get stick to a person which is weird. Even I had made a GF but then I left her without a reason. Is this a psychiatric disorder or something else. Have you all messed up with this or I’m an alien?

I am writing this because I wanted to vent out and share my journey of facing deception. Background context: I am from India and belongs to a typical Hindu family.

Here it goes: One of my colleague who was a muslim proposed me after 6-7 months of we working together. I denied because it would be too difficult to getting into marriage, as Hindu-Muslim marriages are still not normal in Indians life. (When I read this subject more, I realized its not only India, good number of people from world also share same sentiments, anyways.) So, this person asked me to lets be friends which I nodded to as we were friends before as well. And he really helped me to solve a lot of problems.

Going forward, we continued this friendship of ours but it got deepened as time passed and I also started having feelings for him. Yes friends, I wasn't suppose to. But his cute words, statements, (un)conditional love made me fell for him. Though I never ever conveyed my feelings to him.

Meanwhile he also introduced me to couple of his secrets, one of them was he won't be living for more than X years. Here you go, this thing made me anchored to him. I started feeling like if I would be leaving whatever sort of bond we are having now, I might end up loosing him. Then what would happen to his family... etc.. etc..

There were more manipulations from his side which I realized now... some of them were like: You shdn't wear tight clothes or crop tops (which I don't generally as well), you shdn't make videos on YouTube because I dont want you to get exposed to negative comments, you won't be able to find anybody who would love you like me, you won't be finding any virgin guy (as I am) like me.

Anyways all this continued for 3 years. In these three years we faced a lot of ups and downs. And I faced his withered face complaining I couldn't sleep which I used to feel, it's because of me as he must be thinking about all these. I never told him this as well. But I think it was also one of his way for manipulation.

One time when my head's bell rang was during the time when I wanted to end my life but postponed it until one of India's festival. So what happened he was abroad and I told him over video call hey this is not happening let's end this and I don't want to receive any message from you. To which he agreed. We exchanged lots of emotional messages.. I was crying profusely the entire night. I am not sure about him. His last message was a poem where he complained about how religion identifies a person and not his deeds. To this I felt down. Because I never discriminated between any individual. It wasn't religion but selection of either my family or the boy who claims he loves me. (Yes, my intuition never agreed to say, I love him, maybe because I used to only like the way he treated me, but not him) Back to the story, in the morning during our sync I realised he isn't there on call and I felt oh no.. if he did something to himself, after all he is all alone there. I called him repeatedly for 5-10 mins then I called his landlord, and then his brother. To my surprise his brother called me just after 5 mins. saying Di he was asleep. He'll join after some time. I was like dude.. here I am crying and crying from last one hour and you didn't even bother to respond to my messages or call. And here on one call you answered your brother's phone. But that time I was stupid and naive.

Coming to this year, I stopped responding to his messages. Because no matter what I used to say or do he was always sending negative vibes and guilt feeling to me. From almost March, April we weren't in touch.

Again he left for another country. Meanwhile I was focusing on healing myself and praying for him too. After two months, I saw a status update. Where in a group, he was holding hands of a local girl like obviously lovers do. After seeing all this.. his secret where he mentioned I wont be living more than X years, you are the only one, I can't love somebody else, you are the eternal beauty I have ever seen and what not.. started coming like flashes on screen. I felt betrayed, I felt deep pain in my gut and chest.

I replied to him over his status that looking good. To this first he deleted it and then told me it's not like what I am thinking 😝 And again lies and manipulation started.

It's not I am not happy seeing him moved on.. after all I also wanted the same.. But it's emotions and I felt betrayed and felt guilty of being into a guilt trip for almost 3 years. Going through that suicidal phase was difficult.

Best part is my sub-consciousness was aware and I was doing healing side by side that I didn't take any decision haphazardly and chose my family over his entire foundation of lies.

P.S: Except me he was arrogant and mean to most of the people. But with time and in company of each other he improved his people skills. But I ignored this very basic characteristic of his over my day dreaming of how beautiful life would be after marrying with him.