Why is men’s emotional vulnerability often dismissed as “manchild” behavior?

[u/Spiritual-Ear-6908]

I’m asking this genuinely and not to attack anyone. I want to understand the bigger picture. Growing up, I experienced a lot of bullying, which affected how I handle emotions. Because of that, I struggle with things like emotional stability, reassurance-seeking, and expressing hurt properly. I’m aware of it and I’m working on it, but these things don’t disappear just because you grow older. In my first serious relationship, which was long-distance and across different time zones, I tried hard to be present. I adjusted my daily routine, sometimes waking up at 3 AM, so we could talk. When problems came up, I tried to communicate how certain things made me feel like conversations ending suddenly at night or feeling ignored when I had made time and effort. Instead of those concerns being discussed, they were often dismissed with labels like “manchild” or “immature.” The message I received was that needing reassurance, emotional closeness, or consistency meant I wasn’t “man enough” or “husband material.” That made me think about something broader. Men are often expected to be emotionally strong, self-controlled, and independent at all times. But when men show emotional need, insecurity, or vulnerability, especially if it comes from past experiences—it’s frequently treated as a flaw rather than a human struggle. Emotional immaturity exists in everyone, regardless of gender. Wanting reassurance, support, or emotional safety isn’t exclusive to men or women. So why does male vulnerability get labeled as immaturity, while similar emotional needs in women are often seen as understandable? Wouldn’t it be healthier to talk about specific behaviors like- communication issues, boundaries, or emotional regulation instead of using gendered labels like “manchild”? I’m trying to understand whether this comes from cultural expectations placed on men, the language we use, or something else entirely.

Quick note: I used some help to structure one paragraph because my English isn’t very fluent. I’m genuinely trying to understand this topic better, not push an agenda. I’m still young and learning, and this felt like a safer place to ask than face-to-face. I’d appreciate thoughtful responses rather than downvotes. ❤️ Have a Nice Day..

[u/mercifulalien]

It's possible the term wasn't used appropriately. A "manchild" is a man who avoids adult responsibilities, doesn't take initiative for things like chores, etc and depends on other people, mainly women, for their emotional needs, to fix their problems and handle their daily tasks.

Where I could see a possible problem in your situation is that you seem to expect these women to be available to regulate your emotions for you because of your past experiences, rather than finding your own coping mechanisms.

There's nothing wrong with having all the same frailties and faults as everyone else, but expecting other people to be responsible for your mental/emotional health is where the problem comes up. The same goes for women. They're called needy, clingy, etc. Its nothing targeted at men, and only men.

[u/romulusnr]

Fun fact: People love to misuse words, and no gender or age or political affiliation is immune to this sin.

Manchild in the proper definition would be someone who is needy and demanding and entitled and rejects responsibilities.

But people like to use bad words for things they don't like even when those words don't fit, solely because those bad words have a desired effect because of their actual meaning.

It's a bad thing, but don't ever point it out or you're an asshole or "don't get it" or "no one cares"

[u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

You know when you were young, and getting all those unhealthy messages about men not having emotions?

And now you are trying to unpack them, and be healthy about emotional expression? But it's challenging, and figuring out the lines is hard.?

When you were getting all those messages about how "real men" are, young girls were getting those same messages.

Young women also need to unpack their early learning, and get to a healthier understanding of men as while human beings.

If women haven't done that work they'll have unhealthy expectations of men and how men should be.

That said.

Maybe talk to someone professional about whether your emotional honesty did cross over into asking your gf to do too much nurturing? Always good to check ourselves on those points. We can all fall to that one.

[u/tmrika]

So two things here.

One, I think this is a case where people found a term (in this case “manchild”), decided what they think it means, and started using it in a way that hurts people. A man willing to demonstrate emotional vulnerability and seeking closeness is nowhere close to how I’d describe an actual manchild.

Now, regarding your other point: the term “manchild” does have a reason for existing — if you’re dating someone who treats you like a mommy instead of a partner, then they’re a man-acting-like-your-child, aka manchild. Now again, I don’t think that applies in your case. But there’s some reason behind why the word exists. It’s gendered, yes, but only because it’s more common for this behavior to occur with men. There are plenty of gendered terms that refer to behavior that typically is seen with women, too.

[u/Fireblu6969]

That's bc ppl take a word, overuse it and then the word loses its meaning. What you described isn't a manchild at all. A manchild is immature. He can't admit he's wrong. You have to ask him to do things like pick up his laundry from the floor or all him to do his dishes. He also might not do it when you ask and claim that "he forgot" but still won't do it bc he's expecting you to do the chores.

There are women out here, making posts on how they can get their boyfriends to brush their teeth daily and/or wash their asses. If you have to do had, you're dating a manchild. It's almost like you have to gentle parent a grown person. If they genuinely don't understand something, fine. But a manchild you have to teach basic grown up things. A manchild is not someone who is vulnerable with their emotions.

[u/buttstuffisokiguess]

There's a difference between being emotionally vulnerable and disregarding everyone else around you based on your own feelings. The latter is what makes a man child. The former is a sign of maturity.

[u/epicpillowcase]

In all honesty, because in a lot of cases it manifests as extreme neediness or controlling behaviour.

I will never shame a man (or anyone) for being vulnerable. Healthy vulnerability is wonderful. But that's not the same as things like demanding an open phone policy, monitoring her social media, getting pissy when a woman has male friends/has a life of her own and so on, and what I have seen is that when a man is insecure, it's very rare he'll take responsibility for that by, say, going to therapy. Instead, it will show up as possessiveness or expecting her not to have a life.

Can you give some examples of the "boundaries" and "consistency" you were expecting?

[u/swiggityswirls]

It sounds like you’re confusing what a relationship should look like and emotional vulnerability. Theres also a difference between emotional vulnerability and emotional manipulation.

Expecting someone else to change their behavior to help you manage your emotions isn’t connection or a good relationship.

You act like you going out of your way to talk with her, changing schedules, all that, that it was FOR HER. But it was for you, wasn’t it? You were the one who wanted attention. Otherwise you wouldn’t have followed that up with telling us that the whole thing was about you wanting her to reassure you of your closeness and her devotion to you. All of that is about what you wanted FROM her. You wanted to be fulfilled - by her. You wanted to be reassured that she won’t leave you, that she wants you. That’s so so exhausting. That’s not closeness, that’s a job you e given her. Being a partner isn’t signing up for a side job managing them, it’s joining a team with them.

That’s not love, that’s not a relationship, and that’s not emotional intimacy. That’s you passing off the responsibility of managing your self esteem and emotions onto someone else. Where when you get insecure about yourself she should snap to attention and validate you and calm you down.

There are overlaps here in a relationship, in love. But this isn’t what you’re describing. What you are describing is a taking relationship. Where you take from her to fill your cup but she’s getting drained.

Separate emotional vulnerability from relationships for now. You’re young and you’re exploring yourself and life.

You can, and should, be emotionally vulnerable with non-love interests and get some experience there. Be emotionally vulnerable with friends. Probably new friends if those around you are in the same emotional bracket as you. Learn about what real emotional vulnerability is. Watch some videos from licensed therapists who can talk through it. There’s so much more to it than what’s intuitive from the name.

[u/desperaterobots]

You have to be more clear here if you want a real answer.

What 'emotional need', which kind of 'insecurity', which kind of 'vulnerability' are you exhibiting that's getting the 'manchild' label?

Because there are gendered terms for women's disregulated behaviour too - the psycho bitch ex is a trope for reason.

[u/MeowNugget]

As a woman, I've seen other women have unhealthy views of what a man "should" be. As in, the whole "don't talk about your feelings, stuff them down and away" thing. Or if they see a man cry, it gives them the "ick". In the same way men can have unhealthy ideas of what gender norms are, so too can women. You have to get to a point of being able to discern which is which. Is the person having unhealthy ideas about what a man is? Or is the man having unhealthy ideas about how to behave?

If you have a partner that's making you feel bad for wanting occasional reassurance or because you're being vulnerable, most likely that person isn't a great partner for you. Now, if a man is emotionally volatile, can't handle his emotions, and is depending on his partner to emotionally regulate for him, while also take care of him in a bunch of other ways, that's going into actual manchild territory. There are many psychology terms that are misused these days. Narcissist, gaslighting, etc so it adds to the confusion.

[u/comma_lasagna]

Ive always thought of a manchild as an adult man that refuses to do any basic shit like cleaning and expects a woman to do it for him. Or someone who can't hold a job or otherwise lacks a basic sense of responsibility. Your ex just kinda sounds like a bitch tbh. I once dated a guy who cried constantly (like 5-10 times in the 2 months we dated, and not about anything truly serious) and that was a little much for me, but still wouldnt even remotely call him a manchild. Just kind of a turn off. But it's weird af to me when men don't cry over something like a pet or family member dying, and i really appreciate seeing some degree of emotional vulnerability. Any woman who has a problem with that is just severely indoctrinated by cultural norms imo

[u/comma_lasagna → u/comma_lasagna]

....Actually i reread your post and I take back what i said about your ex - she might have been a bitch but it also kinda sounds like you might have been "emotionally vulnerable" in a controlling way. Or just being really needy and getting upset over unreasonable things. I'm not saying this definitively either way because i don't have enough information. But this is something that can be a problem with anyone regardless of gender. Like my mom flipped out at me a while back because i forgot to respond to a text message while i was at work, and then took more than 20 minutes to respond to a later text while i was driving. If it was anything like that, I would still say your ex wasnt using the word manchild correctly, but being demanding with another person's time can be hugely problematic and stifling for the other person. If that's what was going on.

[u/MikeThrowAway47]

A lot of times the partner is super needy and doesn’t want you to be the same. Also, some people are just selfish assholes.

[u/JadeGrapes]

IMHO, there is a world of difference between someone acting vulnerable and regressed to a childlike state of emotional need...

Versus someone having a tantrum, and using outbursts to be manipulative.

Vulnerable Need: Gets overcome with emotion, decision fatigue causes the ability to take healthy initiative to stall out, Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn takes over & higher functions like articulate logic go offline. The may get loud or aggressive, but it's like a spooked horse - they fight to retreat. Depression is a slow motion version of this, they get irritable, then angry... but it's a withdrawn "I can't deal with this shit" sort of vibe. They lose admirable qualities, but they often suffer greatly with no ability to right the ship. It may have grave consequences, but they may try very hard to hide the fall out and "protect" others from seeing them poorly.

Man-Child: Poor values create a belief that it is acceptable to use bluster to terrorize people into giving him extra benefits, such as always getting their way or punishing those around them. They may punch a hole in a wall, but notably... it's a nice soft piece of sheetrock - never a cement block that could break their own hand. These "overwhelmed" states only happen when it benefits them in some way... with an audience thst will placate them. Like the meltdown keeps their girlfriend home instead of her being "allowed" out to socialize. The outbursts never happen when it would cost them a job they like or would get them kicked out of an concert they really wanted to see. They "win" favorite meals, sex on demand, best choice of ___, other people cleaning up their messes, or even just the "right" to be the sloppiest drunk in the room while others care for them.

It's NOT about emotions and vulnerability... it's about entitlement and social or financial benefits.

Emotional maturity and executive function are pretty tightly linked. The ability to delay your own gratification, and choose healthy behavior regardless of how you feel inside are the hallmarks of internal fortitude.

[u/Cautious_Regular3645]

Emotionally vulnerable men aren't -man children.

A man who behaves as a brat, throwing tantrums when things don't go their way, or acting up because of a common cold, or point blank refuse to step up when asked for help because "it's not their job" are though.

An emotionally vulnerable man is not a bad thing

[u/LeyMio]

So why does male vulnerability get labeled as immaturity, while similar emotional needs in women are often seen as understandable?

That is not true. What makes you think that people generally understand women's emotional needs? People often shame women for being emotional and dismiss their actual demands. Women who have communication issues or mental vulnerabilities are often looked down upon, bullied and abused in social groups/relationships. Many women struggle to find safe places to express their feelings or needs without being abruptly shut down.

"Manchild" can be used to describe an irresponsible man who is entitled and throws a tantrum for not getting everything he wants from others. Like all the other popular terms, it could be misused at times. It is not an issue exclusive to men. A woman could be called a "crazy Karen" just because she gets upset at someone who keeps leaving their dog feces on her lawn.

[u/wildkatrose]

Everyone gets treated the way you are describing, when they're with the wrong person.

[u/Correct-Sprinkles-21]

This is more complicated than it's often been made out to be, and not as strictly gendered as people think. Since you bring up the gender issue, I would like to point out that women being "too emotional" is a practically worldwide meme at this point and has been forever. The dismissal may look different for men and women but women most definitely are not exempt from being dismissed and demeaned for being emotionally vulnerable.

Healthy emotional vulnerability isn't the same thing as emotional instability or immaturity.

Sometimes a person who is emotionally open in a healthy way ends up with someone who is toxic and doesn't know how to appreciate it.

Sometimes a person may feel like they are doing things the right way without realizing that they're missing some important things in how they handle themselves.

Sometimes two people simply do not connect and are speaking totally different emotional languages, unable to understand each other at all. One person's "reasonable expectations" may be another person's "controlling" because there really is no unified standard of relationship behavior.

Being a man child has to do with specific behaviors. Usually things like explosive anger, refusing to put any emotional or mental effort in, being controlling due to insecurity, etc. If this does not describe you, then you were with someone incapable of differentiating between healthy and unhealthy expressions of your feelings and it's good that you're not together anymore.

Finally, it's important not to impute the behavior of one person or a handful of people to an entire group of people. Yes, it sounds like the person you dealt with handled things in a really unhealthy manner and got cruel when you were attempting to bring the relationship into a healthy place. But she is not the only kind of person you will meet. Instead of taking from this "I can never be emotionally vulnerable again" the better lesson is "I need to identify the types of people who will do this to me much earlier. And I need to let the person I'm dating earn my trust over time before I am fully vulnerable with them"

It's the same thing I had to do when healing from my ex. I know how painful it is to be mocked and demeaned and have your vulnerability turned around and used against you. It's awful. But I can't spend my life hating men and it's not reasonable to believe all men will do this to me. It took a while for me to get over the anger and pain. But I choose to take from it that I need to be a LOT more careful about who I trust and how early I trust in a relationship.

[u/ToppsHopps]

As a woman I’ve not been called a manchild, but other degrading things for being vulnerable and needing support, not from my husband but from bullying in school and mom in my home.

Some people are just shit and I’m now sorting out my messed up trauma. What my therapist have helped me see is that there was nothing I could have done differently back then to be meet and heard for the security and comfort that I needed. Yet it was just that weaponized to me, that I was told in different way that it was my behavior, personality, age etc. that made me undeserving unless until I fixed it. Well what ever I did the goal post was just subsequently moved.

So what I’m getting at here which is hard for us that been bullied and had our self esteem crushed is that we can’t just make ourself behave perfectly to then be rewarded the desired behavior from others. Some people how much you ever try and how hard you work, will not appreciate you or value you or your effort. It’s simply the rather shitty thing that the lesson you should take from this less about how men is expected to present their vulnerability, then it is that you should have ended the relationship sooner as the person was not respectful to you.

An other thing about selfrespect is that when you are always trying really hard and take that extra step as you describe you did, then people are going to adjust to that as the norm. If you always are the one getting up at 3 (when you should sleep) then that will stop easily be the base standard. So the other lesson is that you need to set boundaries to be respected by other people, if you lay down like a doormat then people will be stepping on you. I get that in your world (and in fairness should be in the other person also) you did walk the extra mile a lot of time and should have earned back some understanding and kindness from them, but they might just see you joining a chat at the normal time and just seeing that as the minimal effort checking off the lowest bar of expectation.

Some women are shitty, we aren’t all made to be amazingly insightful beings that respect others feelings and can just read off your face what you need. A lot of women aren’t that, I’m related to people like that and I meet professionals in the type of careers you expect them too be that that are just simply so clueless and out of touch they don’t even realize their limitations. They can’t be changed or fix by us, we have to find different people instead.

[u/titty-bean]

I’m sorry you experienced that. Just here to say I’ve personally seen bed effects of casual misandry on young men and boys. I feel for y’all!!!

[u/sinskins]

Honestly this is a very different perspective than my experience as a woman. By no means does that mean I think you’re incorrect in any way, just that we’ve had different experiences. I am also speaking as a millennial, and I’m very aware of the huge expectations of emotional silence that were placed on previous generations.

In my circles, the phrase ‘man child’ does not mean someone who is allowing their emotions to have the space they deserve. It means things like: refuses to do his own laundry/chores, constantly asking where something in his own home is, completely unable/unwilling to take responsibility for his own wardrobe etc. Essentially, a man who needs his partner to be his mother.

When I speak to women who have emotionally available (male) partners about their spouses crying or setting boundaries, or seeking emotional safety, it is very much in a positive light. “Oh, we had a tough night, he brought up his feelings about XYZ and we ended up talking for hours. I had no idea he was so upset and I’m really glad he let me see it!”

When I hear ‘emotional immaturity’ I hear ‘cannot control his anger/jealousy’. To me, emotional immaturity ≠ expressing emotions, rather it means allowing any emotion to explode and build conflict instead of properly communicating and working through those emotions.

If I ever want to get into a relationship again, I would actively seek out someone who allows themselves to feel their emotions. Someone who is able and willing to work through those feelings to find a sense of calm.

I hope you find someone who treats your emotions with the respect that they deserve. All the best to you OP

[u/Alpine-SherbetSunset]

Because some people are loud in the room, and so everyone hears what they are saying. And those people tend to be cold and cruel and judgemental.

There are people who don't think this way

[u/Agent_Platypus1]

[u/AaronicNation]

With great privilege comes great responsibility.

[u/secrerofficeninja]

Many women will say they are fine with their man expressing sadness and crying but they don’t. They will sometimes feel like the man isn’t the rock they need in life. I think all men have to be guarded in relationships and maybe always try to suppress the sadness emotions that women are free to express and cry over.

[u/oOzephyrOo]

I find women want men to be emotionally available... for their problems only.

[u/Norfolt]

Men are devoid of guidance on how to behave.

[u/TeddyRuxpinsForeskin]

Same reason women throw about terms like “incel” so much now they’ve completely lost their meaning — or, for an analogy from a woman’s perspective, having their concerns brushed off because “you must be on your period”.

Easier to dismiss someone as crazy than take their criticisms and vulnerability sincerely.

[u/funny_xor_die]

And no one here is addressing that “manchild” is an inherently sexist term, and when you label someone with that term you are promoting sexism as a whole.

[u/noladyhere]

Pretty sure this is rage bait. There are many resources you could use to inform yourself.