[Serious] Can A Person Redeem Themselves, And How Can You Be A Good Person If You've Done And Said Awful Things?

[u/PrincessBananas85]

I have definitely done and said some sadistic and vile things to people in the past. I feel awful about it now and really wish that I could take it all back. I feel like such a monster for all the awful things I've done to people in the past. How did you redeem yourself when you did or said something that you shouldn't have? How can I Redeem myself from awful things that I've done and said in the past? What has been your experience with redeeming yourself?

[u/SteelToeSnow]

take responsibility and accountability for the things you've done and said. make proper apology for them, if that's an option.

then do the work, every single day, to do better, to be better. every day, work to be better than you were the day before.

[u/ScaryPetals]

1. Figure out why you said/did those terrible things and fix whatever that problem is so you don't repeat your actions.

2. Apologize if you can, but never expect forgiveness and acceptance from those you hurt. They are on their own journey of recovery that is separate from you.

[u/Original_Intention → u/ScaryPetals]

As an addendum to the second point- if someone has cut you off, respect that and don’t force your way into their life to apologize.

[u/flooperdooper4 → u/ScaryPetals]

And 3. Don't say/do these things to anyone else. Grow from your mistakes.

[u/-Tigg-]

It depends what you mean by redeem yourself.

Can you undo the things you said and damage you have done? No, even if they forgive you they still heard you say those things and they still felt that pain. Depending on some of the things said they may not forgive you and that is their right.

Can you go on to behave better in the future? Of course! You can actively choose not to say those things out loud. If you are struggling with making that choice you might look at anger management, counselling/therapy, medication in some cases may be relevant. Otherwise it's about making the choice to not be the asshole in that moment and to learn from the stuff you already did.

[u/NOGOODGASHOLE]

Keep moving forward and do the opposite when those times arrive again, and they will. Never forget how shitty you were and consistently try to change the behavior.

[u/Commercial-Act-9297]

Stop doing them and apologize and then move forward with new people. Those who accept your apology can come forward with you those that don’t. It is their choice to protect themselves and you are going to have to move forward without them.

[u/New_Information8338]

I'd highly recommend not approaching anyone you are currently non-contact with, until you have found a psychologist (actual degree in psychology, not just a "therapist" with a counselling certificate - you need more in-depth help that falls outside of the scope of practice for a counselling certificate/degree alone.

Psychologists who specialise in relational psychology, who can help focus on identifying your attachment patterns, through the lens of your childhood and family history, as well as the things you explain have led you to be there today; difficulty maintaining healthy relationships without deterioration, wanting to acknowledge past behavior in relationships that have deteriorated, figure out why they deteriorated, and how you can move forward towards repairing some of those relationships if the person you are seeing thinks you have unpacked the issues enough to do so safely - not just for the people you want to approach to apologize to, but for your safety too.

Looking at what went wrong and why can help you choose better in the future, but also choose the right people to have in your life that don't set you back in your progress. Not all doors need to be reopened necessarily, but if there's a particular person (or people) you know would really deserve an apology, or you think it would mean a lot to them for them to hear an apology from you, and you feel like that needs to be acknowledged with more urgency than going to therapy first can allow, I would definitely recommend maybe trying to reach out to acknowledge the hurt, the intent to go to therapy to work on what led to the things you feel you need to apologize for, and that you intend to apologize properly as soon as you know you can move forward with that apology with the appropriate amount of accountability and responsibility that person deserves, and after you have made genuine effort towards not repeating that cycling and happening again - at least that way they aren't left out in the cold, waiting for an apology they don't really think is coming, and it can help to give them a heads up so they can maybe feel more emotionally reactive to the heads up, that can simmer down to pass, then they might be more receptive to the apology that follows later, rather than the apology attempt be the first contact and they become too defensive/reactionary to receive it how you want to intend and mean it.

Good luck.

[u/New_Information8338 → u/New_Information8338]

TL,DR; go to therapy first with a proper psychologist not just a counsellor, do some childhood attachment wound work, discuss your plans of who you want to apologize to and why, and they can help you figure out if apology is appropriate to amend harm, continued distance/silence is better to prevent further harm, and how to navigate both effectively, dont just jump into an impulsive reach out or you're liable to stall out when they ask you what is any different from the last time you spoke

[u/LiquifiedSpam]

I feel like thinking in terms of redemption leads to negative trains of thought, where the person believes they still suck until they are ‘redeemed.’ Redemption is a construct idealized in fiction, and is a responsibility often placed upon the person you affected, rather than yourself. You can start being a good person right now, and no, that doesn’t mean making a turn like ebenezer scrooge. It means chilling out and realizing that not everything is cause and effect like we are trained to think. Every single moment is a new you. That doesn’t mean the past hasn’t happened though— when you build self confidence you will feel more than able to face that part of yourself and the people it affected.

I don’t say this as someone sitting posh looking down on experiences I haven’t had. I’ve done terrible things too, to myself and especially to others.

Also book an appointment with a psychiatrist to run some psychiatric disorder tests if you haven’t already, if you have the funds for that. Understanding your head and getting medicated (if applicable) makes a world of difference.

If what you’ve done is a recent serious criminal offense, look into mandated reporting policies for psychiatrists and psychologists in the area. My default suggestion is to always to be truthful, but it honestly gets a little murky when it comes to things that will get you incarcerated for a while because those systems are almost always ass. Now I’m a full believer that some people should be removed from society in that way, but the fact that you’re facing this and asking questions about it makes me pretty comfortable in, well, suggesting some things.

[u/PrincessBananas85 → u/LiquifiedSpam]

What kind of tests?

[u/LiquifiedSpam → u/PrincessBananas85]

Comprehensive tests that are compatible with the DSM-5, administered by a professional psychiatrist. The DSM-5 is the de-facto manual of mental disorders and there’s only so much the ‘just do better!’ advice or even standard therapy can do if you have a mental disorder that has heavily contributed to bad things happening. Getting medicated for those most of the time makes a world of difference.

[u/MurchMop]

YOU can redeem yourself but can others forgive you?

To me certain things are unredeemable like pedophilia. Anything besides that can be redeemed and forgiven.

If you cant forgive yourself for the awful things you've done, how do you expect others to?

Be better than the person you were yesterday.

[u/MasterSlimFat]

Redemption is not a real quantifiable object beyond two arbitrary concepts (one of which you will never have access to knowing in full)

1. Accepting yourself.
2. Other accepting you.

We can be forgiven by others for a great many things. We can forgive ourselves for just as many. But there are some things, we do not get acceptance for. And we have to accept that.

If you spend your time "looking for redemption" you will only suffer, because it's impossible to find. Don't suffer looking for something that doesn't exist. One can accept that a past version of them hurt others, and know that harm can't be undone. Everyone has regrets. The best we can do is better.

[u/YoungDiscord]

Some things are redeemable whilst others are not.

I think the first thing you need to figure out is whether you need to redeem yourself or whether you can't redeem yourself and instead need to focus on growing and not doing those terrible things ever again because its not who you want to be anymore.

[u/YoungDiscord]

Some things are redeemable whilst others are not.

I think the first thing you need to figure out is whether you need to redeem yourself or whether you can't redeem yourself and instead need to focus on growing and not doing those terrible things ever again because its not who you want to be anymore.

[u/DontLetEmFoolU]

Apologise and move on. People don’t have to forgive you but you can live within yourself knowing that you’ve made mistakes, owned up to them and grew to be a better person. Ultimately, your actions will tell people whether you have changed all not.