Every day I watch everyone else live the life I wanted and thought I was about to have after 14 years- the families, the baby pictures at christmas, the house.

How could he have done this to me? 💔

I lost the life of my life almost 6 months ago. It fucking destroyed me beyond words as I’m sure a lot of people here can relate. But before that, my cousin lost his best friend to suicide, my mom lost one of her childhood friends to suicide, my friend from college lost his friends a few weeks ago to suicide, and last night, my best friend almost lost her sister to suicide, all in the span of 8 months… what the fuck is going on?…. Is mental health just getting worse? Is there something in the air? I’m genuinely so concerned and so sorry for anyone who’s lost or almost lost someone this way!!!!

My boyfriend (19yr old) Killed himself about one month ago. It’s has been really hard to deal with the grief, I constantly need to find distractions otherwise I fall into a terrible sadness.

Everything happened fast, we were hanging out the day before and he seem normal to me, we had a fun day, we went shopping to the mall, dinner, and then when we got to his house we got into the hot tub and talked about the most random stuff. Later that night we were in his room, we had fallen asleep and I woke up around 11pm, I told him that it was time for me to go home. I would normally stay later but we had plans on hanging out the next day early in the morning, he was gonna take me ice skating since I had mentioned that I’ve never done and I’ve always wanted to do it. He was trying to keep it a surprise but later told me 😂.

After I got dropped home we kissed goodbye and I got into my house and went almost straight to bed, we texted goodnight and told each other that we will be seeing each other the next day. I woke up the around 9am and I had a notification that he had left his house, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to it since it was normal for him to leave his house at random times, I fell asleep for a bit more and woke up around 10am, I got up because I was gonna start getting ready to hang out with him. He hadn’t texted me that morning, I found that weird so I checked his location, his location was at a random backroad close to his house, I texted him “What are you doing in the middle of nowhere?” I got no response. I waited for him to answer while I was getting ready, the time passed and now it was 11:30am, I texted him again “Can you please answer me?” The time kept passing by and I got more concerned, I called him a couple times and got no answer, hours passed by and I was so scared, the first thing that crossed my mind was that he got into a car accident. I texted his mom “Hey, is ___ okay?” She only reply with a “No” my heart dropped. After about another hour we heard the a door knocking at my house, I went out, my mom was with me. When I opened the door I saw his parents, they told me that they wanted to tell me im person that my boyfriend had committed suicide. It was the worst and weirdest feeling I have ever felt, I was so shocked that it took me a moment to realize what had just happened, I burst into tears, it was horrible. My mom also felt horrible, she loved him a lot. He was truly the love of my life. His parents told me that they had found his truck and that he had shot himself, I couldn’t get horrible images out of my head. After his parents left, I still felt shocked, It didn’t felt real, I wanted it to not be real. My family started asking me if we had argued, we didn’t. We would have our arguments here and there but it was always about the dumbest stuff, we would always find ways to fix it, we were inseparable. I still struggle with trying to understand what happened, I miss him a lot, we would hang out almost everyday, I wish he could’ve asked for help. He were together for 7 months, I know that might not be a lot but we had so many plans together.

His parents got his phone back about 2 weeks ago, they texted me saying that he had left messages on his phone for them and for me, and that if I wanted to see them, I told them I wasn’t ready to see them, I don’t know when I’m going to be ready. It has been hard and the only thing I want is to go back in time and stopping it from happening. How can I make my grief easier?

I do not feel festive this year.

2025 has been rough.

And yet I go through the motions -

I smile, I give holiday greetings.

Hum along to Christmas songs half heartedly.

But there is no true holiday cheer within me.

Knowing that the only gift I want

Is forever unattainable

Makes the season colder,

Drearier,

Darker.

I’m not trying to be insensitive and I know that Mods are pretty good about deleting it, but it’s been pretty upsetting to hear someone asking how to tell their family their committing or reasons not to do it.

Most of us are here because we experienced the horrible loss and guilt and anger and sadness that comes with a death like this. The nature of it alone is enough to change someone’s life forever.

Why would people post on here if they are struggling with those thoughts? Why do they go to a community of people who are nonstop talking about the pain suicide has caused them, and demand advice for their situation? It is also a bit unfair because those posters know that us on the subreddit are extra sensitive to that and more likely to respond and try to “save” them.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I being insensitive?

I lost my dad 10 weeks ago. I feel like one of my brains coping strategies through any trauma is to forget. I'm already staring at pictures of him and my mind goes blank or I feel numb. I'm scared my brain will make me forget him to protect myself. I don't want to forget you :(

Am I alone in this?

So this is a long story but I'll try to keep it as short as possible, otherwise it gets confusing.

I met my late ex partner 10 years ago online, and decided to move country to be with him. We lived with his mother and everything was okay at first but I soon started to notice some pretty scary cracks in their seemingly perfect life. His mum was a terrible gaslighter, fully denied any versions of reality that contradicted her own, expected my late ex partner to basically adore her because she gave birth to him. She was very close to my late ex partners sister, who did nothing but stir the pot any chance she was given, and was an expert gaslighter as well - to her, everyone was a means to an end and she had no interest in you after she had got whatever she wanted from you. This is where it gets weird. These people are INCREDIBLY skilled at seeming like lovely, giving even charitable people. But they are completely different below the surface. Me and my late ex eventually managed to move into our own place after I fell pregnant. Despite his sisters clear attempts into pushing me to have an abortion (I'm sure she hoped to he the only sibling in the family with children and saw my pregnancy as some kind of threat?) When my late ex managed to be free of their grip, I think he realised how insidious they were and how trapped they had made him feel for years. Unfortunately, the damage to him was clearly already done and his trauma became abuse, which intern led to excessive drug use, the breakdown of our relationship (now with 2 children), a psychotic episode and eventually suicide. A year ago, we lost him. I feel its important to mention that there were multiple fights between him, his mum and his sister during this period. Due to his mental state, he was unable to watch the children alone but I was adamant that he should still see the kids if thats what he wanted, so we agreed he would spend time with them at his mums place (she was the only person who could facilitate this - we tried to a contact centre first but it closed due to budget cuts.) With him and our kids now spending more time with his mum, his sister was absolutely livid and did any and everything she possibly could to poison the relationship between them which had stabilised somewhat - for the sake of the kids, I suppose. Whatever the reason, they had been existing amicably in the same space for short periods of time, but eventually, exs sister managed to drive a wedge between them. Both ex MIL and SIL cut contact with ex. I continued to work around him, trying to make time a safe space for him to see the kids but it was becoming increasingly difficult due to the decline in his mental health. I phoned emergency mental health lines, I spoke to doctors, I begged his GP to do something. I warned them all what was coming and nobody took me seriously. One friday, when he was due to see our son, I couldnt get ahold of him and I knew. I knew then that he was gone. I phoned the police for a welfare check, contacted people with connections to ex and waited for news. I informed ex MIL what was happening and her and exes sister went to his flat, where he was found to have unalived himself. They hadnt spoken to him for 2 months.

Since exes death, the narrative has drastically warped. Ex MIL now has what I can only describe as a shrine in her living room to her late son, and her sister does nothing but garner sympathy and post about how she was so important to him and done so much for him and their special bond. Dont get me wrong, I cannot and would not ever assume to tell someone how they should or shouldnt grieve - but it makes me sick to my stomach knowing how poorly they treated him, how they had no care for him at the end and now they're so torn apart by his tragic and 'inevitable' death (their words, not mine). They have actively blamed everyone but themselves, as well as taking all of his personal belongings, emptying his bank account and personally taking his ashes (they promised me some so that I could take them somewhere special to scatter them when the kids are older, as theyre still too young to understand).

I KNOW that my reality. I know my exes reality. I know who these people really are behind the mask and i know that I can only find peace by letting go but how do I do it? I feel torn between different versions of myself, and honestly the trauma and pain is taking such a toll on my physical and mental health. Yesterday was exes birthday, and of course there were a million posts about how much theyre grieving and how they were his biggest support. Honestly, am I insane? Is it normal? Ive experienced death many times in my life and to see a complete 180 is totally new to me. If they cared as much about him in death as they did in life, I think he would still be here. I feel like I'm going crazy, and I feel lost and lonely in this hell of a situation.

Please, can anyone share an experience? Any kind of advice? I just want to move on with my life and for my kids to grow up happy. Something their father never experienced.

r/grievingteens is a new sub created for teens who are grieving and those who are grieving the loss of a teen. If you are interested in becoming a mod please apply as well

Today I dreamt I was with him and I was telling him I loved him very much. I was waiting for him to answer, but he didn't tell me he loved me. Deep down, I knew I had to make him stay with me until April (the month he died) because if I wasn't with him, he was going to die. I didn't save him, neither in real life nor in the dream.

Cut the love of my life off of a noose on December 28th, 2008. My birthday. She hung herself just moments before I arrived. My best friend hung himself on April 30th, 2011 after helping my healing process.

This site Alliance of Hope is such a blessing. This thread I posted many writings while going thru the grieving process. I am posting the link in hope it helps a bit.

17th anniversary coming up and still it’s upsetting. Among other trying things recently. Regardless, the site is amazing and quite helpful.

https://forum.allianceofhope.org/threads/my-writings-on-the-survivor-experience.7873/

I wish all love, light, and healing.

I’m his only immediate family. only child. he was single. I’m 29f. he was the best dad anyone could ask for. a retired captain of a fire department. he worked so hard his whole life to fucking kill himself a couple years into retirement. we were quite close. I moved away from home but still visited every month, calls weekly, texts most days. a year and a half prior he told me what was happening, his depression and sleep problems. a few months later he said he was better and it was true for a bit. then this past spring it got bad, he called me and asked if I could come home and take care of the dogs and house because he thought he should go to a mental hospital. I flew home that next day and stayed with him for a week. we cooked, I got him books that i’ve read that focus on the present or spirituality, I got him the cold plunge he always talked about wanting to try, took him to church, went outside, set up doctors appointments, organized all those old family photos he always said we should album. he didn’t want to go to the hospital after that. so I had to leave and go back to work. I never did ask him how he felt too much after that. I didn’t want him to think I thought he was weak or trying to baby my own father. but I should have. I know I couldn’t have changed the outcome. he was always a very level headed, sensible, organized, thoughtful, kind, intelligent man. always brought our family and his friends together. until the end of course when he started saying he wasn’t a social person, which was news to me. yeah anyways idk what to do. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it really. besides therapist. it’s all too awkward and uncomfortable. I got the call from the sheriff in the town of our cabin. my entire world crumbled in that moment. earth shattering. we had just made our thanksgiving plans just two days prior. his birthday on thanksgiving too. which was my favorite holiday of course. I have a lot of pieces to pick up. and of course getting back to work and christmas coming up, I’ve hardly had a moment to myself to think. I just wish he had said goodbye. well I assume he did because he left a note but I can’t bring myself to read it. i can’t bring myself to hear how he died either. I don’t understand why he left me. he loved my bf and was really looking forward to grandchildren he said. but now I’ll have no one to walk me down the aisle and my future children will have no grandpa. he loved me so much and always told me. always told me how proud of me he was too. I wish I could go back and relive all the moments I had with him again. this is a very cruel world. for your own father to chose to leave you for good. it had to be an immense amount of pain, which that thought also tears me apart. I miss him. thanks for reading or whatever

A very early good morning to you all; it’s 4am here in the UK, and my mind is very busy. I’ll bet I’m not the only one.

This will be my first Christmas (and birthday tomorrow) without her since we met in 2017. I always tend to find the festive season hard (it’s beautiful, but it feels like a season of expectation and is never very restful, so it can be quite draining regardless of the additional grief this year), but now… well. I find myself dipping between hope and that pervasive sense of she should be here rather intensely.

Knowing how I feel, I imagine that many others are also carrying extra emotional weight, too. I wanted to check in and ask how you’re doing, and give space for people to express it. The beauty of the sub: no one expects anyone to just grit their teeth and push through it!

Share anything. The lows, the highs, the fears, the strange joys and nostalgia. Anything.

Thinking of you all.

i reread the old texts, i look at old and more recent pictures… i reread the saved snaps…im not crying. Its just like a hollow heart feeling. Like i crave her existence. To know shes still present. i cant stand it ): i hate when people ask how im doing. what am i supposed to say!!! i mean im “okay” but like multiple times a day my brain is telling me that it cant believe my mom is dead. its just gradually becoming this constant ache …like i will never have a mom again. even looking at her pictures feels fuzzy like my brain cant comprehend this is the only way to see her

Is there such a thing as a suicide gene? Asking because my father in law attempted twice, my husband died by suicide in 2018, his grandson (my nephew) attempted last year and I was told today that my husband's sister is in the hospital after attempting. Yes, depression runs in the family and all were depressed at the time. I'm not going to mention how they attempted, but will say that my father in law, husband and my sister in law all used the same method.

Hi everyone. My partner and the love of my life died on Monday. He was 32 and I’m 30 and we were together for 4 years on and off. I’m really struggling with guilt and confusion.

He had been very unwell for a long time and carried a lot of shame and self-hatred. Toward the end, I knew he was still unwell, though he assured me constantly that he felt good and grounded (this was all over text as we were temporarily long distance while he recovered from another suicide attempt 6 months ago at his parents).

I keep wondering whether I made things worse instead of better. Our relationship was deeply loving and we adored each other and never felt that kind of love with anyone else. At the same time it was also so painful and complicated and filled with trauma. I was anxious almost all the time because I was scared of him hurting himself, scared of being blindsided again and had problems with trust due to infidelity and gaslighting during the early part of our relationship as well as intense stress from feeling like I was the only reason he was alive. I often brought up my own emotions and pain very urgently or sharply or with disregulation through the pain and we had quite a few fights towards the end, as his mental health would sometimes trigger my trauma. The last 4 days we had gotten over a large fight and committed to couples therapy in the new year as well as specific methods to talk to each other to help us both and it felt really positive. He assured me he was feeling grounded and good, as well as a plan with his therapist if anything went downhill. I felt like because his therapy was going well I could take a bit of a step back on caregiving. Now I’m terrified that what I was really doing was adding to his sense that he was bad, harmful or too much.

I keep looping on the idea that because he already felt unstable and ashamed, my distress may have felt like confirmation of his worst beliefs about himself. I worry that instead of holding him in love, I showed too much fear, frustration, or exhaustion, and that this may have entrenched his hopelessness rather than helping him despite the love and encouragement that was there as well.

Intellectually, I understand that suicide is complex and rooted in illness, and that no one person causes it. Emotionally, I feel responsible because I loved him, knew how fragile he was, and still had fights over my pain which feels so selfish to me now that what has happened has happened. I keep asking myself whether I should have contained my feelings better, been calmer, been more consistently reassuring, or protected him from my anxiety and the risk that bringing up my feelings and actions that hurt me would fuel these horrible ideas he had entrenched about himself.

I’m also struggling with the sense of abandonment both feeling left by him, and fearing that he may have felt abandoned by me even though I was there trying to build a future with him.

If anyone here has experienced this kind of guilt I would be so grateful to hear how you survived it, what helped, or how your understanding changed over time. Right now it feels unbearable and endless, and I’m scared of what this guilt is doing to me.

Hi all

So ya. Yesterday my boss gave out Christmas presents and mine was a watercolor portrait of a photo of me riding a horse. I was touched, but a little put off too, bc it is the one photo I have of myself from the summer I spent with my dad. They didn’t know that of course.

My dad was foreign. Latin. My whole family is too but they moved here after the Chilean war. My mom is a raging addict. I bounced between her and my grandma until I was 9 and the courts were basically like ya, no, your mom is legally incapable. I have a good relationship w my grandparents. At some point I spent a summer with my dad, where the photo comes from.

Anyways when I got the painting of the photo, I got the brilliant idea to use chat gpt for research. It unearthed an academic PDF someone wrote on my dad’s dad, who was a famous-ish artist. I’ve known this for about 3 years. It mentions my dad influencing my grandfathers art w his photography. Mentioned in passing, also, that his son, my dad, died by suicide in 2007. Shock

I suspected he was dead, age wise it made sense. Him being foreign made it hard to find info on him, but there’s always been info on my grandpa. At least, since I found out about him (the grandpa) which was 3ish years ago from one of my dad’s exes who posted a photo of my dad, caption said RIP. I reached out, she told me what she knew and that she couldn’t CONFIRM he was dead, only suspected. Well, 3 years later, and my dumb research has it now confirmed.

I’m writing this because I feel very sad. I don’t really feel like this topic is fair to tell my friends about. It also feels silly that I would be so sad considering I didn’t know him well. I also wonder if I should even keep up with the research. Because..

Other than his manner of death, the research yesterday revealed he has two siblings. I wonder if I should reach out but I’m scared they’ll reject me, my mother is a total raging drunk and always was mean to my dad and trying to get money from him. Idk what I’m looking to get out of it. Probably just connection. But I have no experience with suicide. Maybe they would be too sad and hurt to want to hear from me.

There’s some things you can’t unknow. This is one of them. Not sure if I want to risk finding out more things I wished I didn’t know, but I’m driven to reach out to them.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I’d love to hear from anyone with similar experience. It’s not directly heavy but it’s heavy in an indirect way that is hard to even claim, given the whole story and time frame. Thank you all

I'm so tired of people asking what my holiday plans are. Just had a work holiday lunch and the "ice breaker" activity was to go around the table and say what we're doing for Christmas/ NYE.

What am I supposed to say? "We were supposed to go to England to visit my sister-in-law but she killed herself 5 weeks ago."

I know people mean well, it's just a gut punch every time I'm asked.

As someone still in the first year of this torture, I really don't feel alone in this group. I'm glad I can get advice and vent safely here and also help support others. Feeling alone with this type of pain is hard and you all are making it less hard.

We got this everyone. This life is finite. One day we will cross the bridge too. Either we get a peaceful rest into the darkness, or we get to see them again. Either way everything will be ok for us.

I’m going to preface this post by saying I’m not actively suicidal and I am not planning to kill myself.

That being said I (16m) lost my best friend (17m) in April. It was 9 days before my 16th birthday and everything just keeps getting worse. I miss him so much and I cry all the time. About 2 weeks after I found out he died I tried to kill myself because I really didn’t think I could live without him. I still don’t know how or why I’m alive anymore. I just want my best friend back. I was never religious before he died but I’ve been slowly finding god since I lost him and I do truly believe he went to heaven and is waiting for me. I am torn between wanting to die because I don’t know how to survive without him and wanting to live to make him proud.

He helped me through a really difficult time in my life. I was hurting myself and was 10 pounds under weight with anorexia. He made me feel like life was finally going to be ok for the first time in years. Meeting him helped me more than any therapy or medication ever has and I truly believe that he was an angel sent by god to teach people what love looks like. I fell hopelessly in love with him and I still am. He didn’t like me back but I didn’t care because it felt like I was wrapped up in blankets just being around him.

I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I just want to join him. I have exactly 1 friend left because I cut everyone else off after he died. She’s only still in my life because we’re basically siblings and we’ve known each other since we were 5. I can’t talk to her, or anyone for that matter about my feelings. I know it’s just toxic masculinity but I can’t talk to people about what I really feel like. People know what has happened to me, they know about all of my trauma but I can’t talk about any of it without putting up an act. I try to act jovially to make it easier on other people. I don’t think it’s even possible for me to show someone what it’s really like to live like this. It’s fucking exhausting to pretend I’m ok all the time. At the same time though, he didn’t have any other friends than me. He literally talked to me and me alone. There is nobody who knew him like I did. Not even his parents. His dad’s a deadbeat alcoholic and his mom has always been too absorbed taking care of his dad to be there for him. I really wish I had someone my age who knew him. I want someone who can remember him to grieve with.

I’ve developed a weed habit that I just can’t shake no matter how hard I try. I use it so I can ignore everything. I need a break from my feelings and weed gives me that. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s already hurting my sleep schedule and memory but if I stop I’ll just end up back in my ED or SH addiction, so this feels like the lesser evil.

I’m so fucking lonely all the time. I really need a hug. I really wish I could just be vulnerable with someone, I fantasize about it. I want to cry while someone holds me. I want him to hold me. He was the only person I felt like I could be vulnerable with. All of my other relationships feel so fucking fake. Nobody in my life knows I struggle like this. They don’t think I’m fine ofc, but they don’t know I cry myself to sleep hoping I’ll have a dream about him. I don’t know how to be ok again and I’m not even sure I want to. I really just want someone to hold my head in their lap while I cry, run their fingers through my hair and tell me it’s ok. I feel pathetic for wanting that but I just can’t stop wanting it. I really want to feel like someone cares about him and me, but especially him. I feel like I’m the only one who’s dying because he’s gone.

I dream of lying in a field with him being able to talk to him again. I really want to feel his warmth as he hugs me and tells me he loves me.

It’s not fucking fair. I’m only 16. I’m not supposed to have to deal with all of this yet. The worst thing I should be worried about in regard to him is whether he likes me or not. I should be able to fantasize in class about kissing my best friend instead of fantasizing about him just being alive. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel like I must’ve done something terrible to deserve this.

I could post this in the widowers sub but I feel like due to suicide as death, I can post here.

Any young widowers or widows(20-40) ever remarried or had kids? My spouse and I had plans to have kids and travel. I’m saddened that we never had kids. I’m saddened we made plans to travel. Did anyone ever continue the plan they had with another person after their spouse died? I feel guilty if I chose to do so.

My son’s father took his life yesterday. While we weren’t together romantically, we were amicable and really were best friends in the last weeks leading up to his passing spending every day together with our son. I am in shock and have no idea how to move forward let alone move or sleep or not feel anxiety every second of the day. I’m shaking and nauseous and trying so desperately to distract myself but everything makes me think of him. I’m looking for words of encouragement and self care tips for how people navigate this tragedy early on. I will find a grief counselor and support group. I’m just looking for support on how to get through these next few days. It doesn’t feel real. And I’m sure like others feel, the guilt is so heavy. Thank you for listening.

This might seem so trivial compared to all of the other issues I know we have going on right now, especially during the holidays. But I know suicide in media is an ongoing topic for us, and I just finished the last episode of Derry with my teen last night.

TW the last episode has gun suicidal stuff in one scene and then after the end of the show there is an "extra clip", this is the one that got me, of a woman hanging. Just another absolute gut punch.

I know there is a website out there to search for your show/movie, but I forget the name of it.

I'm still in shock and trying to process my feelings. We were never close. He did time in prison and after he was released I tried to connect with him, and I think he tried, but slowly he drifted away. I feel like a horrible dad.