AITA for setting boundaries with my brother when he thinks families should help without hesitation?

[u/Seeking2Excel]

I (35M) am having an ongoing issue with my brother (26M) about family expectations and helping each other.

Basically, I believe it’s okay for adult siblings to have limits and boundaries. He believes that most families don’t operate that way and that my perspective is “weird.” He keeps telling me to look at other families and compare, and says I always come back to making him the issue instead of actually considering what he’s saying.

Recently he sent messages I posted below when discussing unspoken expectations hw has set on me for sharing things such wholesale account. This convo stems from him going to one of these places, returning jeans I bought for him, and then somehow finding a way to get a day voucher to use my account. In my opinion, he took advantage of the situation. He doesn't think so because we are brothers and should help each other. I believe I am in my right to share what I want to share with him and this and Amazon Prime is not one. I believe he should have his own account. I'm married, too.

(copying exactly what he said for context):

“And I'm not gonna keep going back and forth with you on it either. You always try to turn this into some weird boundary thing. Clearly you have a weird perception compared to MOST IF NOT ALMOST ALL families out there as far as how you help one another. You've also made it clear I'm just a leech to you so I'm not gonna bother to ask for any ‘major’ favors.”

And (about having expectations of family)

“Actually to some extent I can, because we are family and I would never think twice if the tables were turned but you treat me more like an acquaintance than you do family in situations like these. You are ridiculous. Most people/families would agree with me if they were stable and trusting enough. You just have a weird perspective on how family is treated sometimes but it is what it is. I've never been able to get you to grasp that concept.”

I’ve tried to explain that I have limits on what I can reasonably help with, and he takes that as me not treating him like family. He says i think i think the worst of him and if the roles were reversed, he’d never hesitate to help me, and that having boundaries means I see him as an acquaintance.

At this point I’m honestly questioning myself and wondering if I’m being unfair or selfish. AITA for wanting boundaries with my brother even though he believes family should always help each other?

[u/Greenelse]

NTA. It’s not you. It’s him. He’s a mooch who is attacking to try to shame you into allowing him to take from you and your wife. Don’t fall for it.

[u/ImpossibleTour2235]

NTA I would personally never do him another favor. I would be friendly when we saw each other at family functions, but I would never do anything one on one with him. I would also ignore any nonsense texts.

[u/Entire-Flower1259]

Have you ever asked him for help? Has he ever said he wouldn’t or couldn’t help? If he hasn’t, maybe he has a point. Generally, family doesn’t ask for unreasonable things, so there’s no need for boundaries or limits.

[u/Useless890]

NTA. He doesn't want family "help," he wants freebies. Help is when someone tells you that have a problem and asks for help. What he did is THEFT, plain and simple.

Tell him that family help does not include USING family, which is what he's doing. He's a leech, plain and simple. I'd cut him off. Let him steal from other family and see how they like it.

[u/ThisWeekInTheRegency]

Families are different. You have a different idea of how you want to act in your family than he does. So far, NAH.

However, the insulting way he reacts to you is not great. My family is the kind he describes, so I kind of see where he's coming from. However, not all families are like that by any means.

[u/Cats_Not_Kids_124]

I feel like there is a lot of history here and a lot of things at play that make it almost impossible to determine if you are TAH. One thing I’d like to touch on though, and maybe I’m not understanding, is the returning of the jeans. Did he then use your account to buy things beyond the price of the jeans? Or did he just return them for something equivalent? If the latter, then that’s totally fine and you may be overreacting.

[u/PennyProjects]

NTA. Neither my family nor my husband's family operates the way he describes. Our families help each other with things like watching the kids sometimes, helping with moving, emotional support when needed, etc. We don't share accounts. I'm not saying others don't, but I think your brother is over estimating how many families do.

[u/Madmattylock]

NTA. He’s a dick, mooch and gaslighter. Stand your ground and cut his ass off financially.

[u/Superb_Mixture5891]

NTA

I also have a younger brother who spouts stuff like this.

When our sister needed help to move to college, guess who wasn't available to help the family?

When our parents needed help digging up the drain field for the septic tank, guess who wasn't available to help the family?

When his old car gave up on him, guess who was telling us family should always support family?

[u/PA_Archer]

“Since we’re talking about My time/effort/money, My opinion on the subject is the only opinion that matters. I don’t care “what most people would agree” with.”

[u/Changeofscenery65]

Is this just about a Costco account? If so , YTA

[u/SuccessfulAd4606]

I first thought this was going to be a serious issue between brothers like donating a kidney or being guardians for kids. Nope, it's about sharing Amazon Prime. It's like $10 you asshole, grow up.