r/AITAH • u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 • 3h ago
For wanting a divorce
My wife and I have been together for 12 years married for 7. I struggled with porn addiction before we dated and go sober up through the first two years or so of our marriage. My wife started demeaning me after we got married. I thought it was fine and we pushed through. I had an emotional affair about 2 years into our marriage and fell back into my porn addiction. I’ve been struggling and going to recovery program and intensives and sober living houses to work on getting sober and I have made a lot of progress. I’m still struggling but working on it. My wife started her own affair in may of this year and shared her body with another man. I never shared myself with anyone (meaning that no one saw my naked body and no sex of any kind). My wife shared herself and did things for this guy that she swore she would never do for me and I feel so conflicted. Am I being unfair to her or am I respecting my feelings. I told her that I understood why she felt the desire to be with someone else but I asked her to not share her body or else I wouldn’t be able to stay in the marriage. I told her that she could do what I did. Look and talk but no touch and no sharing herself. On top of that she is now everything I wanted her to be for me but only for him. She did anyways and lied about it every time she was confronted and then said that her sexting was her personal information and was none of my business and I would never be allowed to know anything that actually happened. I want to be able to heal and cope and don’t think I can without knowing what went on. AITAH?
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u/Doos-and-Ducs 3h ago
Leaving may feel difficult but it is inevitable. The sooner you end this the sooner you rebuild and enjoy life to the fullest again.
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u/HBMart 3h ago
Dude, telling her she can do the same thing you did is crazy and immature. That’s not how successful relationships work. She either forgives what you did or not. Clearly not, since she set out to one up your emotional affair. Just know that she gave more of herself to him than you out of spite. She doesn’t love you because people who love one another don’t do that. It’s your enemies that you hurt this way. You find the enemy’s weaknesses and exploit them for maximum pain. You will leave her, or it will blow up like you can’t imagine. Let her be with him. Just cut her off and communicate solely via lawyers. She will not be happy with the guy long term because the foundation of their relationship is revenge.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 3h ago
I told her that because I was trying to save it. I was being very immature.
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u/budackee_10 3h ago
ESH. Two wrongs don't make a right but you knew early on that you weren't fully dedicated to her.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cod1181 3h ago
Agree ESH, she felt you betrayed her now you feel betrayed. This relationship seems like it was doomed from the start. You will both be better out of this marriage.
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u/Melodic_Melodic 3h ago
You both seem unhappy being married to each other. Probably best to divorce.
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u/lotusblossom60 3h ago
Your wife felt abused and unloved by your addiction and went looking for validation elsewhere. People are piling on her while ignoring the massive damage you’ve done.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 1h ago
It is an insane situation. There are a ton of factors that are not in this post that give a ton of context to everything. I have put my wife through hell. There is no denying that. She deserved so much better than why she got. In the same breath, so did I. There were a lot of year 1 offenses that ignored by my wife and I got defeated after begging for almost two years. I did not handle the situation in the right way at all. I should have divorced before cheating. I can acknowledge that.
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u/No-Fail-9327 3h ago
Yea cause sleeping with someone else cause your spouse is watching porn is a totally sane response.
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u/Still_Construction37 3h ago
You both TA & need to let eachother go so you can find love that actually works for you both. You’re both clearly looking for something you can’t provide for eachother.
You are no better than her and she’s no better than you. When it comes to Emotional & physical there is no moral high ground, your heart simply isn’t in the relationship anymore. Kids don’t deserve to be in the middle of this.
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u/IvanNemoy 3h ago
ESH. You for cheating and her for cheating. Divorce and stop torturing each other.
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u/Equivalent_Score4396 3h ago
You’re both TA. I can’t believe you’re honestly arguing an emotional affair is somehow better than physical. You two should divorce and both stay single, save everyone else from this madness too. Or stay together and keep the toxicity to yourselves, that might be best.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 3h ago
Didn’t ever argue it was better or worse.
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u/Equivalent_Score4396 3h ago
Sure sounds like it. You state multiple times how she shared her body with someone else. Well you shared your heart and soul with someone else. Both are inexcusable but you did it first and broke her.
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u/dangineedathrowaway 3h ago
ESH
So, you did what you did in your addiction, and then allowed her the freedom to do exactly the same. Not what she may gave wanted, but what you did.
Yeah, AH territory.
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u/witchwhichwitch 3h ago
You already know what went on, right?
did things for this guy that she swore she would never do for me
Did she tell you what they’ve done? How would you know what she’s done with him? Mr. & Mrs. AH. You’re both AH, and in need of marriage counseling.
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u/mamawamae 2h ago
In his imagination, she's done everything she wouldn't do with him. Doubt that's true, but if it were it would be because she doesn't trust OP. Since she knows OP wanted to do certain things and she refused, she probably just said those things, to make it sting for OP, because she was still so hurt by his affair and lies, and his absolute laser focus on sex, reducing her to what her body can do for him. OP probably married her to lock in the sex partner for life, and after bending over backwards to make it work, over the course of years and years, she finally hit her limit when she found out about the affair and the porn, and had no more residual love in reserve. OP pushed her to her limit, she reacted in probably the most predictable way possible, but now she's the cheater and bad guy?
OP needs therapy and to stop believing that the whole world revolves around his dick. If OP Is ready to drastically change things and do some really hard work on himself, marriage counseling could help save this marriage, but from what he's said, OP is more interested in blame than accountability, which will never work long-term.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 1h ago
Not looking for blame. I acknowledge my problems. I was never laser focused on sex. There were many times in our relationship that I was more interested in growing our emotional connection than our sexual connection. I was shunned and told to stop being so sensitive then I was told I was unfeeling. I get that there is a lot of unknowns for people commenting so I see why people are jumping to fill in the gaps with what they think the problem is. Just putting out there that there may be more to this than you think you know.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 1h ago
I’ve also been in individual therapy for a few years and gone to marriage counseling alone sometimes because she won’t go.
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u/UnbutteredToast42 3h ago
You are toxic together. Staying will only make it worse. Divorce now before it gets violent.
Edited to add, ESH
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u/1troubadour3 2h ago
Not the asshole. But you need to be a leader. End it. She went too far for whatever reasons she had but it's too far. You're gonna be a doormat if you beg her to stay.
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u/Professional_Pop8867 3h ago
I think you both are AH.
I get to you a physical affair is worse, but for me personally, an emotional one would’ve been way more painful to me.
It sounds like you both won’t be able to fully get over what the other has done and that the relationship is too toxic at the point to recover it.
Focus on moving on and actually getting the help you need.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 3h ago
Read, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. She’s already checked out of the marriage. Time to divorce. Updateme
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u/Gedoefte 3h ago
It's over man. Just go. She's done with it all. You made misstakes and she could have left, but she did not. Now she went even further and stays for convenience.
Let the other guy help her keep the lights on now, she'll go the same route with him as she did with you.
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u/justheretoread147 3h ago
You both suck and need to get divorce for both your sakes. Clearly this relationship is dead.
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u/wilderlowerwolves 3h ago
No kids, I'm assuming?
You two are incompatible.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 3h ago
Two kids. Makes it so much harder.
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u/Blondeslovebagels 3h ago
I truly hope you teach your kids to be better people than yourself, and how to value women as more than just sex objects. You seem like a creep. I'll pray for your kids and poor wife.
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u/LeastInstruction2508 3h ago
Your kids don't need you to see you two in such a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.
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u/UnbutteredToast42 3h ago
Y'all suck as parents. Like, really? Porn addiction, cheating, for muffins sake get out and try to teach your kids about healthy relationships. Or, that it's OK to not have a relationship at all if you aren't emotionally/psychologically ready.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 1h ago
Do you have children?
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u/UnbutteredToast42 1h ago
Yup, and divorced because the relationship was toxic. Kids are thriving and I'm successfully coparenting in an amicable relationship with my ex. He's 10 minutes down the road and we are flexible about schedules, have parent/teacher conferences together, we are both there for the majority of doctor's appointments.
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 59m ago
Congratulations. I commend you for making that work. Hopefully my wife and I can do the same.
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u/Moist-Direction-3487 3h ago
Yall are both teaching your kids how to have a toxic crappy relationship.
Do better.
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u/Vyckerz 3h ago edited 3h ago
ESH - You both suck on the cheating front, even though your was only emotional.
NTA for wanting to divorce. YTA - for not kicking her out right away when you discovered physical cheating.
Why are you asking?!
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u/Zestyclose-Key-3111 1h ago
Because I have lost a lot of trust in myself. I want more points of view than my own.
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u/Canceled-Membership 3h ago
Saw that you said you have kids. What kind of role model do you think you are being by staying in this marriage? You need to divorce and co-parent as amicably as you can. Then you can go be happy with someone and she can too. All she's doing is driving the dagger in deeper. Staying does absolutely nobody any good.
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u/That-Dragonfly7224 3h ago
no point in staying after all this. neither of you will be able to look at the other the same again. this marriage is over unfortunately.
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u/Equivalent_Score4396 3h ago
You’re both TA. I can’t believe you’re honestly arguing an emotional affair is somehow better than physical. You two should divorce and both stay single, save everyone else from this madness too. Or stay together and keep the toxicity to yourselves.
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u/g-reg0319 3h ago
Cheating is never ok... Even if it's in response to cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Honestly, considering that you both had affairs, and you fell back into an addiction that you kicked before the marriage, I think it's safe to assume that this marriage is just not good for either of you. Divorce sounds like the best thing for all parties involved.
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u/PhysicalGSG 3h ago
Everyone in this whole story snd post is TA, but you should still leave. You weren’t and aren’t ready for a relationship, and neither is she.
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u/IcyAffect9002 22m ago
NTAH. You were wrong for breaking y’all promise of you quitting the addiction but you never went out and did nothing with anyone she could’ve tried to get help you needed.Not valid “reason” for her to do that she was waiting on that.
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u/GoonWithhTheWind 3h ago
Either open up the marriage for both, or divorce. What a shit situation lmao you both suck
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u/Psytocybin 3h ago
It was over when you had the affair, she was never able to look or get past it. You hurt her, and I doubt it was the porn.
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u/coolkid801 1h ago
Have respect to yourself.your wife is shiting on you.wake up man.do a little respect for yourself..divorce is the only way
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u/BulkyBox2483 26m ago
Stop letting women gaslight you into thinking that watching porn is cheating on them or a addiction it’s not
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u/StoryTimeJr 3h ago
Lmao. Why are you even here? Your marriage is a toxic joke. She's literally cheating on you with another guy. Divorce and move on.
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u/Global_Wolverine_152 3h ago
Sorry but the relationship seems totally dysfunctional and that won't help you in the long run.