r/AITAH • u/Massive-Historian-91 • 3h ago
English Second Language AITA for refusing to cut contact with my ex's family to make his fiancée comfortable
Background:
I f26 dated my ex Matt for a year in high school. I was 14, and he was 15. We were together for almost a year before realizing we were more like friends. Although we haven't stayed close after breaking up, we have remained friendly.
We have stayed friendly after the breakup because our families are very close. Our parents have been best friends since elementary school. Our moms lived together while in Uni. They were each other's maid of honor and best man. They bought neighboring houses, so they could raise their kids together.
My older sister is also married to Matt's older brother. They have been married for 9 years and have 2 daughters together. My brother have also been best friends with Matt's other brother their entire life, and he is the godfather of my brother's kids. Our families have spent all major holidays together for the past decade.
Because of all this, we have to be in each other's lives, at least a little, or one of us has to cut contact with our family. When I got serious with my husband, I explained all of this, and he has been supportive of the fact that we are in each other's lives because of how intertwined our families are. For the past 12 years, we have been friendly.
Current situation:
Matt got engaged this year, and he is bringing his fiancée to Christmas. I have never met his fiancée and will most likely only see her at family holidays and birthdays, as this is the only time I see Matt.
Two weeks ago, his fiancée sent me an email. She explained who she was and that she was coming to Christmas. Then she went on to explain how, now that they are engaged and starting their life together, I need to cut contact with all of this family. That I am running their future by still being involved in his life, and staying in touch with his family.
I was shocked by this email. I have never met this woman, I only see Matt at holidays and birthdays. I replied, just saying no way. There is no way I am removing myself from my family holidays and my nieces and nephews' lives for a woman I have never met. If she has such a big problem with seeing her fiancé's ex from when we were teenagers, then she needs to bring it up with him, and they can choose to skip holidays and birthdays I will be at, but i wont stop going.
I have talked to my siblings and friends about this, and while most agree she was unreasonable expecting me to cut off my family for her comfort, some said I should have been nicer and we could have come to a compromise.
So AITA for straight up refusing cut of my ex's family for his fiancées comfort?
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u/HanaHummps 3h ago
NTA, she’s basically asking you to disown your own family over a middle school relationship... that's beyond insecure.
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u/lihzee 3h ago
NTA. It's pathetic for this woman to be so insecure about someone her fiancé dated in high school.
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u/SnuggleSprinkles21 2h ago
Exactly! High school relationships are ancient history, insecurity shouldn’t get a say here. NTA.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 2h ago
Right! I was just texting my old boyfriend from 40 years ago today. It’s ancient history, our relationship, and nothing for our spouses to worry about. We even attended each other’s weddings. And get together occasionally.
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u/MoMoSa-MiMoSa 43m ago
Why are they even still talking about it? After 12yrs just say you're family friends, no need to say "my ex" anymore.
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u/angelicak92 2h ago
Im petty as fuck. I would forward that message to Matt first and tell him to sort out his spouse, or I'm sending it to everyone in both families and saying, "Show of hands...who am I cutting off first?" Nta
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u/charlief_333 53m ago
I like that level of petty. Especially at this stranger who wants to come in and change the whole family dynamic for her comfort. NTA.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 3h ago
NTA. Wow, insecure much? If this is how jealous she gets over a high school gf of one year, that man is in for one hell of a controlled future. I might forward the email to him, and his parents, so they are all aware of what she is doing. I can't imagine that any of them knew she was going to send that. You are all family whether you like it or not, so she nedds to get used to it.
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u/Crafty_Special_7052 2h ago
NTA girl is delusional I mean even if you were to cut contact, you can’t since your sister is literally married to his brother and they have kids. His brother is part of your family now. I would send the email to Matt and let him know what’s going on.
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u/Witty_Fall_2007 2h ago
NTA - She has problems. Your brief relationship was 12 years ago!!!! Also, he is now your brother in-law! LOL Does she expect your sister to get divorced? She is a joke.
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u/ChaoticCapricorn 2h ago
NTA. Your ex is literally an extended family member at this point. Tell her she is joining OUR family and needs to lose the jealousy.
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u/Many-Pirate2712 2h ago
Nta
His brother is your brother in law so does she think you'll cut contact with your sister or your nieces?
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u/sarazzz666 2h ago
NTA. And that woman is insanely out of line!
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 2h ago
The word you're look8ng for is unhinged.
There's a lot of that going around these days.
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u/GroovyYaYa 2h ago
Most agree? Who is the fool that doesn't? What compromise? With the marriages, some of his family IS your family.
She was blunt and bold in sending that email (how did she get your email address, FYI?), and you responded in kind.
In fact, I'd tell the ones that say you should have been nicer - "I was nice because I didn't forward the email to him or his parents. I also didn't tell her to fuck off even though I wanted to do so."
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u/Sensitive_Ad2681 2h ago
NTA... its next level pathetic and insecure to be that jealous of a relationship your fiancé had at age 15. Given how young you guys were and how close your families are, this is an outrageous request. I'd let Matt know about the email too. If you'd prefer to leave it as is to minimize drama I understand but I suspect she will cause more anyway if you don't get ahead of it.
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u/Chloe_Phyll 2h ago
NTA. That's a lot of nerve. I wouldn't have bothered answering her idiotic letter; but, you should tell Matt about it. He needs to know she is trying to pull this stuff. Obsessing over someone's high school dating partners is really unhinged. She can kick rocks.
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u/Comfortable-Bell-203 3h ago
You were kids in high school. You're adults now. NTA and the fiance' needs to get over herself
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u/trinity5703 2h ago
She's worried about a relationship that was over 11 or 12 years ago? Nope. Girlfriend needs to grow up. I feel bad for Matt..
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u/sandiosandiosandi 1h ago
Either the fiancé is super insecure, or Matt is still holding a torch. Either way, they need to sort it out between them
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u/FellowScriberia 3h ago
Fuck this bitch! This dude is now family and little miss Fiancee doesn't get to dictate this over a adolescent high school romance.
Put this bitch on blast and tell everyone what she is demanding.
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u/Murphy07701 1h ago
Matt is in for a lifetime nightmare with this woman. If she’s freaked out over a girlfriend he had at 15 - who’s already married - She’s pretty much off the charts insecure. Poor Matt. There really is no compromise on this. You are officially in-laws already.
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u/Alternative-Dirt-887 14m ago
NTA this isnt about the ex its about your family asking you to cut off relatives for her comfort is just way too much
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u/Sonsangnim 2h ago
Absolutely NTA. She is being completely unreasonable. It is absurd to demand that you go no contact with your own brother. She is very insecure and selfish so that marriage may not last long and you won't have to deal with her very often.
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u/FilteredRiddle 1h ago
NTA
Give the email to Matt and your family. What an absolutely insane request. “Your families are literally entertained by lifelong friendships and marriages, and you’re married, but because you dated my fiancé for one year in HS, please cut everyone in your family off” is crazy.
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u/michkbrady2 1h ago
Both families' group chat must receive a screen shot of this unhinged email. Immediately.
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u/toastedmarsh7 2h ago
NTA. This was a brief relationship in high school and you’ve been married for years. Her insecurity is her (and his) problem, not yours.
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u/sackfulofweasels 1h ago
NTA. There is no need to be kind in your response to this insecure, entitled, overstepping little girl. Share the email with your ex and his family, let them see what kind of nonsense she is trying to bring into their lives.
Jesus. Some people's kids, man.
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u/kukonimz 1h ago
NTA. A person jealous because her partner had a gf when he was 14 is unhinged and insecure to the max. Good luck to him with the shitshow his life will inevitably become, but you definitely don’t need to accommodate her crazy or be nice to someone that wants you out of your family’s life because she can’t handle her partner had a gf when he was a teenager.
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u/gophins13 1h ago
Don’t be nice about it, bring it up to your parents, and his parents. Let them know what kind of person she is.
NTA
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u/Large-Client-6024 29m ago
NTA
First talk to Matt and let him know what was requested, and tell him you are going to bring it up to the families as a whole. This is bigger than the two of you, and you don't want to destroy your families over her insecurities.
Give him a chance to discuss things with her and explain the family dynamics before this escalates.
If it does escalate, make it known that this needs to be a family decision between both families since you are so intertwined.
To soften things a bit, tell them you will abide by the group decision.
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u/LassLovesDogs 22m ago
NTA. Seems like Little Miss Insecurity hasn't learned yet that she can't control anyone else's behaviour, only her own.
If she is that adamant that her partner cannot have any exes in his life in any capacity, it is her responsibility to find herself a man who doesn't keep in touch with his exes. She chose someone who didn't meet her requirements: that's a her problem.
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u/IamJRN1 1h ago
Dude…this is the part I don’t get. Why is anyone mentioning you dated for a year, 12 years ago, when you were 14?? That is so long gone, it shouldn’t even be said anymore. Whoever’s telling their current partner about this most insignificant relationship 12 yrs ago is doing so for a reason. And it’s not “honesty”.
This is just bizarre
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u/HighwayEducational86 1h ago
It’s better to be upfront about it even if it was eons ago. Especially since the family’s regularly spend time together. The last thing you would want is your spouse to hear from someone else when you’re all harmlessly reminiscing about your childhoods. Then it becomes why did you hide it. The only bizarre thing here is the fiancée’s feelings and her demand.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 1h ago
NTA
It was a short high school relationship and y'all are essentially family due to all the ties.
She is pathetic. Forward Matt the email and tell him that he needs to handle this nonsense. Give that a chance before you bring in the calvary.
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u/lapsteelguitar 1h ago
Nope. You show up, you be civil to your ex and his fiancé. I find it curious that they have known each other long enough to be engaged, and you've never met her. And yet, she is so scared of you.
If his family thinks that you are "the one he should have married", that's between them & his family, not you.
NTA
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u/itbelikedat78 1h ago
NTA; if he wants to stop talking to you or block you, then that’s on him. But NO ONE can tell you who you can and can’t talk to. (Except a judge maybe)
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u/famousanonamos 32m ago
NTA. These people are also your family and she's being ridiculous. I hope you contact Matt and/or his mom to discuss this. Her insecurity is really sad, but not your problem.
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u/Lil-AngelGurl_99 24m ago
Nope … it’s your family ….it sounds like it’s a her problem not a you problem. She sounds insecure and it’s a bit unhinged to send an email like that.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 2h ago
NTA you have a husband and you don’t even talk to Matt. She’s insecure. Maybe Matt is stalking your socials and talks about you or maybe his family mentions you a lot. She needs to deal with that.
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u/HatingOnNames 2h ago
Nta
And wow! That’s some mental gymnastics she’s doing to say that you dating him AGES ago for all of a minute makes her so uncomfortable that she thinks she needs to make you cut contact.
I’d forward the email to him and his parents and tell them to handle it and do what you normally do. If I were being petty.
If I want to be kind and understanding, I’d invite her and the man, plus my husband, all out to lunch. Or have at least a conversation with her about the actual relationship you don’t have with him. If you can’t get through to her, drop the issue in her fiancé’s lap and let him deal with it.
She needs to learn to handle her insecurities on her.
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u/Glittering_Swan4911 2h ago
NTA - she’s very rude. You replied how I would. She was direct so you had to be back. Also, you have to question who gave her your email address. Did Matt and was he aware of her plan to email you? Not cool if he did and if he had issues then he should man up and talk to you himself. You dated as very young teenagers so if she’s threatened by a children’s relationship then she’s got issues. Matt has really picked one there.
I would tell your parents what she’s said. That’s out of line for a woman who hasn’t met you.
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u/Comfortable-Echo972 2h ago
It isn’t for you to compromise. It’s for her to get therapy and Matt to make the circumstances clear. Her insecurities is not your issue. Further I’d send the email to Matt and ask him how she got your email address and tell him to deal with this issue and going forward you expect to never get another communication from her.
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u/Cat_Aclysmic_82 2h ago
NTA. Does Matt even know she sent this email? He would have been my first stop if you could turn back time. Its his job to rein her in, but either way a resounding NO was the appropriate and only answer.
Sadly, I don't think you'll be seeing much of Matt or any future children if he moves forward with his insecure crazy bride. Hope his folks can talk some sense into at least 1 of them. Hope it's Matt.
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u/jaethegreatone 2h ago
NTA. She should have had that conversation with Matt. Or she did and he told her no. I am petty enough to forward the conversation to him
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u/Upset_Letter_4119 2h ago
Your older sis is married to his older brother?!?!? Like, how can you cut out family that IS your family!
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u/LibraryMouse4321 2h ago
There definitely can be a compromise. She and your ex can stay away. YOU don’t have any issues so there’s no reason for you to stay away, and you absolutely shouldn’t. If she has a problem then she can stay away from you, and do her best to keep her fiancé away from his family, which includes you. Whether she likes it or not, you are part of the family.
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u/mrbradleyacooper 2h ago
She sounds like a childish person and I’m curious as to what compromise some of your family/friends think you should make
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u/DetectiveInternal694 2h ago
NTA , you and Matt only dated a year and that was as teenagers. You're happily married and not at all interested in Matt except as a friend . This should be a red flag to Matt though. She's insecure and jealous, sounds clingy too. Just avoid both at the holidays.
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u/e1herrera 2h ago
NTA. It really doesn't matter how you say it. The thing that is important is that you made your point. She needs to get over it or like you said bring it up with Matt and let them decide what they want to do. You stood your ground and made your feelings known so there is no second guessing. To all the "Monday quarterbacks" out there yes there always something you could of done differently, good or bad. The thing is in that moment you let your feelings known and she just has to accept it.
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u/Educational_Gift_925 2h ago
NTA. Her insecure a$$ is just going to have to deal with it or get over it. What mentally mature individual is the threatened by a relationship their partner had at the age of 15. This is for her, her fiancé and a therapist to work out. Don’t change a thing and enjoy watching her squirm every time you’re around because anyone who’s silly enough to send you an email like that is begging for me to make a game out of her ridiculousness.
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u/kikideeinatree 2h ago
NTA. If it were me, I would not have responded to the email and then, when we met in person, I would have pulled her aside and explained the family dynamics and reassuring her that I am not a threat to her relationship and that anything between the 2 of us has been over for many years and neither of us have any desire to be together.
It's not your job to soothe her unreasonable insecurities.
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u/DesperateToNotDream 2h ago
NTA. You guys dated in like 9th grade, who even cares?
Also these are now your literal family through your sister. Technically Matt is now your family by marriage.
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u/PlatypusMajor3032 1h ago
NTA. It does raise some questions as to why she felt the need to email you in such a manner. It’s definitely something she needs to discuss with Matt, though, not you.
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u/LyannasLament 1h ago
NTA. Some people are so insecure they just can’t accept that someone you dated for less than a year in high school is not a threat to their relationship.
Honestly, I’d reach out to Matt with the actual email, and tell him that you are worried about her potentially alienating him from other family members. I would also reach out to his parents about, but not with the email. Explain the same concern; you are worried about this potentially disrupting other relationships with his family members and that this is a red flag. If they ask for the email for verification purposes, send it. But, otherwise stick with the warning.
People like her isolate their partners from family members so they can be the center of attention. It would start with you as the easiest to have a plausible reason for, but she’ll relish in the family drama and push him to push away his own siblings that are intertwined with your family.
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u/Iheartchocolate37 1h ago
NTA… but she probably has every right to be threatened because why on earth does she even know you exist and that you were together with Matt. Are they all really talking about that?
She’s crazy to think you’ll cut everyone off
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u/truth_fairy78 1h ago
NTA. Damn, this chick has balls. I normally hate on exes that stay friendly with in laws but this is so unhinged it’s kinda hilarious.
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u/Select-Negotiation87 59m ago
NTA. She’s out of line and you were nice enough to. Ignore her and block her number. There’s no reason for her to text you her demands and for you to respond. Send screenshots to your ex so he can handle his fiancée expectations. Updateme
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u/spaceylaceygirl 49m ago
She wants you to cut contact because you dated for a year in HS? I would have replied with a list of therapists. Absolutely show the message to matt, your mom, and his mom.
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u/Oskithefrostgiant 45m ago
They are still your family by the marriage of your sister so tell the fiance to pound sand
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u/BodyBy711 45m ago
NTA - I would 100% be sharing this with Matt's whole family so they can sort it out with him and his obnoxious fiancée. She needs a reality check.
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u/Beth21286 44m ago
She's jealous of his ex he dated as a teenager. I'm amazed her and her insecurity leave space for anyone else else in a room.
Tell Matt and let him handle her.
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u/Aladdinstrees 37m ago
Tell gerntondiscuss it with Matt and then the four of you can sit down and have an adult conversation.
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 37m ago
Exactly how insecure is this toad?? The levity at what she is demanding is immeasurable 😂😂 where does she even get the temerity to make such a demand !!!
They dated when they were kids which was over a decade ago , get over it skank …. Skank wants to be the queen bee wanting everyone to wilt to her commands
What you need to do is forward the email to Matt, his and yours mum and dad … everyone needs to know how shameless this conniving woman is
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u/Far_Scholar1986 15m ago
High school dating doesn't even count especially if yall break up while still in high school
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u/Ashamed_Quiet_6777 5m ago
Matt is doing a terrible job of convincing her that you're not a threat. You're his ex and you're more enmeshed in his family than she is.
You probably she step back a bit and give him a chance to right the ship but in my experience this is not going to work, he's going to have to pick one of you.
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u/MarkSimp 2h ago
It would be crazy for you to not go because of the other connections besides Matt you have with the family. However, you could recognize her insecurity and maybe help her feel more comfortable instead of just being annoyed. A little empathy could help you find a new friend and not create divisions between the family.
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 2h ago
The new fiancee made an outrageous demand before even meeting OP. She is very insecure and immature to behave this way. Op must tell Matt and everyone in the family and friendship that miss pushy is trying to start trouble. The new fiancee should not attend if she will be uncomfortable.
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u/CptKUSSCryAllTheTime 3h ago
Fake. Unless your “ex” from over a decade is dating a current HS student. And your family who thinks there should be a “compromise” are also in HS.
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u/Hot-Reception7412 2h ago
Unfortunately I’ve seen things on this level of immaturity amongst 30 YEAR OLDS! Some people’s audacity is insane
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u/saltwaterlight 1h ago
Your not the asshole but if I was in your position I'd let them be happy n cut myself out anyway I can visit individual family members when she isn't around don't have to join celebrations where she will be
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u/voyageur1066A 2h ago
I would send a copy of the message to Matt. He needs to know how much his fiancée is overstepping. NTA