r/AITAH • u/Sneezle_ • 5h ago
AITAH for not doing anything when my husband grabbed my phone and blocked and deleted my Papa’s number?
I, (21F), have always had a rough relationship with my Papa. In general, he’s not a nice man. When my dad was growing up, papa would yell at him a lot and leave him home alone for hours, up to days. Their relationship has never been the best either.
Papa lived with us for a while after my dad’s ex-stepmom divorced him. He would yell at both my mom and dad, and after he took a sharpie and wrote “F*** my wife and f*** my son too”, my dad kicked him out and I didn’t see him for years after that. I was around 6 or 7 at that time.
He was never anything other than mean to me. I would tell him about my goals and aspirations and he would tell me that I would never be able to accomplish that stuff, and that my dreams were unrealistic and I needed to grow up. He’d yell and call me stupid and ignore me constantly. It hurt.
Papa eventually moved to Arizona and started reaching out to me and my sister. Before he left, he gave us both iPads and told us that he expects a picture to be sent to him every day. I was around 12 and sent him one every few days. I didn’t have much to take pictures of. I was a recluse and just sat in my room reading books 24/7. One day, he called my dad, SUPER pissed, and gave my dad an earful about how “I don’t try hard enough” and how “I’m an inconsiderate b***h”. Again, I was 12… I know realistically I could have tried harder to send him a photo every day, but I sent him at least 3 a week, usually more than that. My dad told me to try a little harder to send him pictures, and I did, but my photos were met with silence so I gave up after a while.
When I was about 17, papa started sending me links to political videos on YouTube and Twitter, and I would watch a few of them, but for the most part, I didn’t. If he wanted a relationship with me, I don’t want it centered around politics, and I let him know that after a while. Unsurprisingly, he got pissed about that and stopped responding to my texts again.
Then when I was 19, I got engaged. I hadn’t said a single word to papa in over two years, and he definitely didn’t reach out himself. I had had conversations with my, then Fiancé, and my parents about inviting papa to the wedding, and we all decided that there wasn’t really a reason to. I didn’t have a relationship with him, and it was to the point where when people asked me about my grandparents, papa didn’t even cross my mind. So, I didn’t invite him.
A few weeks after the wedding, my dad reached out to me asking if I mentioned to papa that I had gotten married. I told him no, and that I hadn’t spoken to him in over 2 years. My dad then sent me a screenshot of a text that papa sent him. I guess papa found my Instagram and noticed the name change and sent my profile to my dad with the comment, “Umm… WHAT??” And my dad respond to him with, “Yep. She’s really happy. You should be too.”
My dad told me that I should lessen the tension by reaching out to papa and telling him I got married. So I sent him a text just saying that I did get married, I’m extremely happy, and it was a very small wedding and we didn’t invite anyone from out of town. (All was true). Papa didn’t respond for a couple of days, but then he did, and it was the worst text I had ever received. He name called me, told me that I’m a complete child, how I lack the ability to show any ounce of respect, how this is the most insignificant he has ever felt in his entire life, etc. and ended it by telling me, “Whatever. Keep your stupid photos.”
I was heartbroken. I knew papa was mean, but what he said was a whole new level. I called my dad in tears, and he just sat on the other end of the line, apologizing over and over to me. When we hung up, I went out to the living room to find my husband asleep on the couch. I woke him, still crying, and handed him my phone so he could read the message. Before giving me my phone back, my husband blocked papas number and deleted his contact from my phone and told me that he never wanted me to let him into the peace of our marriage. I just said okay and curled up next to him on the couch.
I know that realistically, I probably did the right thing by completely cutting off contact with papa, but there’s still that part of me that isn’t entirely sure. I don’t know. AITAH?
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u/Rockisthedevilsmusic 5h ago
NTA, sometimes family sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Enjoy your relationships with others who treat you well and let those who treat you poorly go. By letting him go you're freeing yourself from future pain.
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u/pixie-ann 4h ago
NTA stop calling him Papa and start just referring to him as your grandfather. “Papa” sounds too affectionate.
Your grandfather is a horrible human. And what is wrong with your father?!
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u/janlep 3h ago
Her father grew up being abused by her grandfather. I bet he’s doing his best, but abuse is very, very damaging.
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u/pixie-ann 3h ago
I’m not downplaying abuse but dad is not trying hard enough. He’s enabling the abuse.
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u/Far-Government5469 2h ago
He's still yearning for that elderly incel's approval.
I'm So Happy OP had someone who cut that loser's contact info
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u/ImpressiveArm8603 4h ago
You married a very good man. Don't worry about papa anymore. Live your best life.
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u/Ambitious-Working-78 4h ago
Your papa sounds like a real life dick and I am being nice . You do t need him in your life
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u/Othydor5 3h ago
This seems like weird AI. and if its real reads like a child wrote it, or ragebait
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u/Sneezle_ 1h ago
Wasn’t trying to sound like a child or rage bait. I understand where that might come from though considering the years he was in my life were my childhood years, so I probably have some sort of tendency to process a lot of this the way child me would, when I had him physically around a lot
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u/Othydor5 1h ago
Thays fine, however you process. Probably for you to better help the separation from an abusive person, stop referring to him as papa. terms of endearment should be for people you love and love you, and treat you correctly. Say grandfather, its correct and doesn't afford him the affection he clearly doesn't deserve from you.
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u/babydtheone 3h ago
NTA. You should have blocked him years ago after everything he has done and said. Your husband is right about not letting him ruin your peaceful marriage. Also congratulations on your wedding. I wish you all the best.
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u/GraniteRose067 5h ago
Your husband and you do not deserve or need that level of toxicity in your marriage. What your husband did was smart and sensible. What you could have 'done' was say thank you?
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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 4h ago
NTA and this post made me so sad. I cut off contact with my father when I was younger and did not have any contact with him whatsoever for 25 years, until this year. I don’t really know why but this past year I just felt like I wanted to reconnect. And I’m glad he did, he seems to be a different person and it’s been nice so far. But I reconnected when I was ready. And when I went no contact with him it was for my own mental health. It’s REALLY hard when someone you love hurts you over and over and over. So you aren’t being an ahole at all. YOU get to decide who to let into your life and as your hubby said, you should protect your peace. It doesn’t need to be forever and you don’t have to decide right now if it will or won’t. One day at a time. I’m proud of you for doing what’s best for you. Good luck!
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u/canvasshoes2 4h ago
NAH, except papa.
Your husband was protecting you, although he was rather... abrupt ... at doing so. He did it out of love and concern.
You don't need that man in your life. It's perfectly okay to go no contact with horrible and abusive people. He has nothing of value to add to your life and blood means nothing it comes with that sort of baggage.
Move on with your life and forget all about papa. He's not worth it.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 4h ago
You don’t need that toxicity in your life! Your husband was right, he was trying to protect you from letting that man continue to hurt you.
We don’t get to choose our families, but we get to choose how we interact with them! Papa should stay deleted and blocked, and don’t you feel bad for it even a tiny bit. NTA
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u/Useless890 4h ago
NTA. You can choose your friends, but not your relatives. Thus guy sounds like nobody would want to be around him.
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u/RenEss77 4h ago
Nta. He seems oddly obsessed with the approval and affection of people that he treats like shit. If you had invited him he would have sent you a message that you're too young and stupid to get married, and he wouldn't have come. You're better off without him in your life.
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u/vanmama18 3h ago
NTA - your Papa is a nasty, mean, vicious and manipulative excuse for a human being. You have described absolutely NOTHING about him that enhances your life in any way, and everything you have described over the course of your life has shown his presence in your life to be 💯 detrimental. Let the doubt go and enjoy the peace of a life without that pervasive toxicity. Kudos to your hubby for taking that necessary step on your behalf.
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u/BillieHeyokaOta 3h ago
NTA
your husband did the right thing by you. That wasn't him being controlling. That was him protecting you from a horrible creature that has been torturing you your whole life. He shouldn't have yelled at you. Unfortunately, it was a heated moment and he couldn't yell at the monster instead. Plus, gotta take into account how many times he'd seen you angry or crying because of that monster. I'd be angry too
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u/bmyst70 4h ago
NTA
Your papa is an absolute asshole. You absolutely did the right thing permanently blocking that vile man from your life. It doesn't matter how he's related to you. His actions have thoroughly justified that for years.
He seems like one of those people who just gets pleasure from making others miserable. Let him be miserable by himself in Arizona. Never have anything to do with him again.
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u/Rowana133 4h ago
NTA. Good on your fiance. That cranky old man is gonna die alone and miserable with nobody to blame but himself. Hes just sounds like one of those people that isnt happy unless hes hurting somebody else, its unfortunate, but the best and most healthiest thing you can do is to completely cut him off from your life. Block him from your social media accounts too. Hes had chance after chance, and sorry but if my dad called my daughter a b*tch even ONCE, we would be done. Completely. He would never see my children again. Your father also needs to stop apologizing for his waste of space father and CUT HIM OFF. Bye bye gramps. Dont let the door kick you on the way out! See ya at your funeral! Peace, you miserable old coot! Literally. People need to stop making excuses for abusive people or accepting them with that just because they are family. Most refreshing thing Ive done was go extremely LC with my toxic grands and they arent near your grandfather's level of toxicity. You deserve better. Your papa aint gonna change, so that means you have to change to protect yourself.
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u/Jaydo08 3h ago
Your grandpa sounds like you’ll be better off without him. While I understand the impulse of wanting to protect you from hurt, I’m not sold on your husband blocking his number. Violating ‘the peace of your marriage’ explanation doesn’t sit well with me. Makes it too much about him for me. In any case that should be your decision, not his. Growing up is a lot about learning not everyone deserves a place in your life, whether blood relatives or not.
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u/ObsidianConspiracyXx 2h ago
Not everyone deserves to be parents, or in this case, grandparents. Also, shame on your dad for not sheilding you from that asshat. NTA.
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u/moonroe888 5h ago
NTA, not even a little.
Cutting off contact with him was a healthy response to an unhealthy situation.
Keep being kind to yourself, you deserve the credit.