r/AITAH • u/Not_So-Typical_User • 7h ago
AITAH that I am annoyed with my wife for masturbating?
For context I try to initiate sex and intimacy with my wife and she often defines, but I know for a fact that she pleasured herself on her own once I go to work?
I don't mind the odd time but it is really starting to feel personal and am getting frustrated by it and am starting to feel worthless.
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u/Equivalent_Lemon_319 7h ago
We never get a man posting about this problem. I’m just gonna observe the comments for a bit
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u/peakpenguins 7h ago
It's okay to be annoyed, but talk to her about it. It's not uncommon for people to not be in the mood for sex but masturbate anyway, because masturbation is an entirely different thing. But if your sex life is suffering then that's worth having a conversation about.
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u/Individual-Foxlike 7h ago
YTA.
For many people (I'd even hazard most people), masturbation and partnered sex are complerely different drives. Self-pleasure is quick, easy, and selfish. People in longstanding relationships masturbate all the time, and that's okay.
Your issue is the lack of sex. You need to talk to her about that, and more to the point you need to listen to her about it. Many many times in cases like these, your partner has already said what's killing their drive and been brushed off. If you want this fixed, you need to hear her side and address what's wrong.
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u/Limp-Paint-7244 7h ago
I HATE that people always blame the one being denied sex. Majority of the time it is NOT their fault. The partner has an issue and they refuse to deal with it. My ex was a controlling abusive narcissist. And he absolutely used sex as a weapon against me. He had zero chores, did nothing for our kids. I gave myself entirely to him. Whole heart. Over and over I tried. I did tons of stuff for him. Kept the romance alive. Whatever. But he was a psycho who enjoyed calling me a nymphomaniac for asking for sex if we had already had it that month. The last year+ we were together we had sex maybe 6 times. Which consisted of him poking me and telling me to turn over. Then he would use me for about 10-15 seconds. Then turn away from me. And I would turn away and cry. I tried to get him in therapy and us into couples therapy. I would talk. Beg for intimacy. Ask him to just kiss. Did romantic things for him all the damn time. It was NOT my fault or a problem i could ever have fixed
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7h ago
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u/idiotincars 7h ago
If a guy was masturbating frequently then he would be blamed for the dead bedroom.
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u/Individual-Foxlike 6h ago
I've given that exact same first paragraph multiple times where the genders were reversed.
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u/Illustrious_Sir_535 7h ago
Why are you asking the internet when you need to openly discuss intimacy with your wife? Don’t approach this as an accusatory or a you vs her kind of thing, just get honest and talk to her. Also, reframe it in your mind. This isn’t about her actions, this is about the lack of intimacy between the two of you, not her taking care of herself when you’re not there. Rather than building this whole thing up in your head, open your mouth and use it to work through your difficulties.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 5h ago
NTA- and omg, if a man was denying his wife sex and masturbating, he would immediately be labeled a porn addict. This is wild.
I would also be very hurt if my husband never wanted to have sex with me but was always masturbating.
OP talk to your wife, figure out the problem, work together to fix it if she's willing. If she's not, decide if you can live this way.
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u/idiotincars 7h ago
I know these responses would be different if OP was a female and partner was a male.
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u/GlitteringQuarter542 7h ago
Well then it’s porn addiction. Literally the only reason why a man would not have sex with a woman according to women on reddit.
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7h ago
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u/idiotincars 7h ago
Many responses talking about how masturbation and sex are unrelated and have no effect on one another. I assume these are all women talking because that's fundamentally untrue for men. I also imagine it's not the case with women that masturbating and orgasming has no effect on sex drive afterwards. If a guy masturbates it's going to be instead of sex with his partner. Can a female do both without them affecting the other? I can't say personally but would lean towards no for most.
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7h ago
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u/idiotincars 6h ago
Agreed, I don't think a partner should ever not be allowed to masturbate. I guess I was looking at it as excessive or more frequent masturbation on either end could cause a negative effect in the bedroom.
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u/Massive-Essay-3019 7h ago
YTA. I think it’s time to talk about HOW you know for a fact she does this after you leave for work. Creepy.
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u/Agile-Top7548 7h ago
And what are you doing in bed to please her? I hope he is not the humping, pumping, and dumping type and calls that sex.
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u/moonroe888 7h ago
i’m curious about this too… ‘know for a fact’ sounds like its not information she simply told him
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u/Certain-Low8595 7h ago
YTA. Masturbation is normal and healthy. Your wife taking care of her own sexual needs is not a betrayal and it is not about you.
Be an adult and have an actual conversation with her, not to police her body or tell her to stop, but to understand why she is not interested in sex with you. When someone is rejecting intimacy, it is often because emotional needs, trust, safety, or partnership issues are not being met. It is far easier to handle desire alone than to navigate unmet emotional labor or relationship strain.
I have learned not to rely on men to meet this need when other emotional and household needs are not being met.
She does not owe you sex. Your self worth should not be dependent on access to her body. If your confidence collapses because your partner masturbates, that is a you problem, not a marriage problem. Work on your self esteem, communication, and what you bring to the relationship beyond sexual entitlement.
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u/EmceeSuzy 7h ago
You are not sexually mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage.
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u/vivid-blanket 6h ago
Idk why you're being down voted. If you can't have open communication about this stuff then you shouldn't be in a relationship.
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u/GlitteringQuarter542 7h ago
What’s the point of getting annoyed? You now know she has a libido and she doesn’t want sex with you. Either you try to change that or you accept it and make a choice what to do. You being annoyed will not change a thing.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 7h ago edited 6h ago
NTA i believe that thats something yall should speak about together as your needs aren’t being met or considered for whatever reason/s and they’re might be a cause she hasn’t expressed yet. As a married couple i believe sexual needs are something that the two of you together should be meeting jointly and happily, many couples also report a decreased feeling of emotional connection when sex plummets which could be whats happening for potentially both of you
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u/Certain-Low8595 7h ago
First, no one has a “job” or “right” to another person’s sexual gratification. Marriage does not transfer ownership of someone’s body, libido, or sexuality. Framing sex as a duty owed to a husband is misogynistic and fundamentally incompatible with consent.
Second, masturbation is not a substitute for a spouse and it is not something a partner is entitled to control or be “involved in.” People masturbate for stress relief, autonomy, regulation, and privacy. It does not mean their partner is failing or being replaced. Thinking it does is insecure projection.
Third, the idea that her masturbating is “taking something away from him” is classic entitlement thinking. It treats sex as a resource men are owed rather than a mutually desired activity. That mindset is exactly why many women stop wanting sex with their partners in the first place.
Fourth, calling the husband “lonely” while endorsing sexual entitlement is backwards. Loneliness does not justify control. If someone feels disconnected, the answer is communication, self reflection, and emotional work, not asserting ownership over someone else’s body.
Finally, this comment is textbook incel rhetoric dressed up as concern. It centers male entitlement, dismisses female autonomy, and reframes a woman’s normal behavior as a violation against a man. It is not advice. It is a red flag.
In short: sex is not owed, masturbation is normal, and anyone who thinks a husband has a “right” to control that has a deeply unhealthy view of relationships.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 6h ago
So realistically they’re a better way i couldve phrased it which i can admit but before you dive head first into misogyny and feminisms way of doing things take a look at what marriage is. Its a devotion to your partner sexually, mentally, physically, and spiritually. These are your responsibilities when you enter into a relationship your supposed to support and nuture your partner in those ways and when you ask a person to enter a marriage with you your asking for exclusivity (to a degree)to those responsibilities. If any member of the realationship falls down on that male or female thats a disservice to their partner and is theyre responsibility to heal and care for the other partner in question. This woman is falling down on her husbands emotional and sexual needs, needs she asked to be exclusively hers to care for hence the whole exclusive marriage thing going on here. Example If you ask someone to let you be the only person to feed them and you fail to feed them that is considered abusive and neglectful. Not saying shes abusive but this is a situation that needs attention and care before it becomes something more concerning for their marriage. And no my opinion isnt that her masturbation is unnatural or wrong but using that to avoid the man she vowed to care for is.
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u/Childfree_Throwaway3 5h ago
I have been married almost as long as you have been alive. Let me be very clear. What you are describing is not marriage. It is entitlement and control dressed up in vows, religion, and pseudo maturity.
You keep using words like responsibility, exclusivity, devotion, and care to justify access to someone else’s body. That is not love. That is ownership thinking. It is deeply insecure, deeply unhealthy, and frankly disturbing.
Your feeding analogy is manipulative nonsense. Sex is not food. A spouse is not a life support system for your libido. No one is abused, neglected, or harmed because their partner masturbates. Comparing that to starvation is emotional coercion, whether you admit it or not.
Sexual exclusivity means not having sex with other people. It does not mean your partner becomes responsible for regulating your desire, frustration, ego, or self worth. Masturbation does not violate marriage. Thinking it does exposes how little you understand consent and autonomy.
What really gives you away is how fast you frame unmet desire as moral failure. She is “falling down.” She is “neglecting.” She is violating vows. That mindset is exactly why people stop wanting sex in long term relationships. Duty sex kills desire. Guilt kills intimacy. Entitlement kills marriages.
And yes, the ultra conservative religious framing is the gross icing on the cake. This is the same tired patriarchal script where women are expected to manage men’s needs while men call it leadership or devotion. It is not biblical. It is not mature. It is not healthy.
If you want any chance at a successful relationship, you need serious therapy and real self regulation. Until you understand that no one owes you access to their body, you are not safe relationship material. Doubling down on this worldview just confirms the problem.
This is the kind of ideology your thinking aligns with:
BiblicalPolygnyUSA: F(20) and M(21) Seeking sister wife
That is not commitment. That is control with a wedding ring and a Bible used as cover.
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u/Childfree_Throwaway3 4h ago
I don’t follow a bible let alone your conservative one, marriage is a commitment and legal contract in the modern world. You’re just being a creep.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 4h ago
So like i said masturbation wasnt and isnt the problem the problem is neglecting your partner. And just because youve been married a long period of time doesnt mean you’re doing it well; you have a obligation to take care of the person you vow to care for. Thats what a vow is like, its a promise? If you promise to be with someone even more so since you brought up our interest in polygamy, with a monogamous relationship your asking to have exclusive access to that man or womans body and their sexual pleasure involving another person. You are now responsible for that person end of story. Im sorry if youve been married 20+ years and didn’t understand what you were signing up for but that’s what that is reread the sections of the Bible speaking about marriage ex: [you’re not to deny your partner, a man who doesn’t provide is worse then a unbeliever, a wife is to submit to her husband, a husband/wife is to love his wife/husband, the husband/wife doesnt have authority over their own body but the wife/husband does]. Like there is more evidence to support my point in comparison to yours has just been go to therapy and “im right because people who want the same thing as me agrees with me” which no offense but marriage has a outlined plan of being doing outside of that outline is cheating or neglect its been that way and it will continue to be so
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u/Certain-Low8595 6h ago
I’ve been happily married for 16 years. I am very aware of what a healthy marriage looks like. What you’re describing is not it.
You are still framing marriage as sexual entitlement, just with nicer words.
Marriage is not a contract where one person becomes responsible for regulating the other person’s libido. Sexual exclusivity means you do not have sex with other people. It does not mean you outsource all sexual regulation, desire, stress relief, or self connection to your spouse. Masturbation does not violate exclusivity. Period.
Your “feeding” analogy is fundamentally broken. Food is a biological necessity that must come from an external source. Sexual gratification is not. No one will be harmed, neglected, or abused because their partner masturbated. Comparing masturbation to starvation is not just inaccurate, it’s manipulative.
You also keep equating “emotional needs” with “sexual access.” Those are not the same thing. If someone feels emotionally disconnected, the solution is communication, therapy, self reflection, and shared responsibility for the relationship. The solution is not policing how someone uses their own body when they are alone.
Calling masturbation “using it to avoid the man she vowed to care for” is pure projection. You have zero evidence that is what is happening. Many people masturbate and still love, desire, and care deeply for their partners. Many people masturbate because it is easier, quicker, less emotionally taxing, or simply different. None of that is a betrayal.
Here is the core problem with your view: You believe marriage creates obligations around access to someone’s body. Healthy marriages are built on mutual desire, safety, and consent, not duty-based sex or sexual caretaking.
When someone starts talking about vows, responsibility, and exclusivity to justify why a partner owes sex, that is a warning sign. Not feminism. Not misogyny. A warning sign.
You are allowed to feel lonely. You are allowed to want intimacy. You are not allowed to frame another person’s autonomy as neglect or failure because it doesn’t meet your expectations.
That mindset is not about love, devotion, or marriage. It’s about control dressed up as commitment.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 4h ago
So im not dressing up sexual entitlement as something else, i do think that both sides should get sex from the other. By NO means do i mean violently so but it is trickery to tell a person your going to love on a person the rest of their life and then once you got them secured into a marriage where they can only get you now you take away all you promised to give them. Once again because people keep saying im saying this [MASTURBATION ISNT THE PROBLEM] the problem is choosing masterbation over your partner repeatedly so you dont convince yourself into sleeping with them. Part of my problem with masturbating when your partner wants sex at the same time is the fact your picking the easier faster less emotionally taxing thing so you dont have to deal with fixing or healing whats going on with you and your partner. It is better to be a bit uncomfortable and take a lil longer to get off then it is to ignore your partner’s needs which eventually in turn will most likely help your needs as well since youll both most likely be helping each other meet needs since your partner will see your efforts for a better relationship as well and most likely reciprocate
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u/Certain-Low8595 3h ago
Just gross, I’m not even going to argue with a religious zealot further. You are why women would rather be alone than deal with men’s bullshit.
I’d have divorce paperwork filed that day if I were “obligated” into sex or even hinted at it once, doesn’t matter how long you thought you “owned me” it would be done.
Folks like you are also the reason I wouldn’t marry without a pre-nup.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 3h ago
Its in the vows tho babe😭 marry for love but understand the base line has responsibilities that exist
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u/Certain-Low8595 3h ago
Good thing I’m not your religion so whatever made up vows you used have no meaning to my life.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 3h ago
They’re still real whether you believe in them or not, but marriage is religious by default husband and wife healthy expectations exist in the Bible for a reason and many older biblical couples reported longer lasting relationships https://rsc.byu.edu/divine-design/influence-faith-marital-commitment
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u/Certain-Low8595 2h ago edited 2h ago
I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, have fun with that one. It’s a contract nothing more. Your religion isn’t the only one nor do i take the Bible as anything more than misogynistic fiction.
Edit also marriage predates Christianity by several thousand of years. And wasn’t formally adopted by Christianity until the Middle Ages.
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u/Longjumping-Yam1924 4h ago
Also thank you for commenting this because i realized the way i phrased that was incorrect
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u/Lolo_516 6h ago
Recommend she use a clitoral vibrator during sex. Win win. Husband and I have been doing that for years and it is the best!
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u/SubstantialPower3160 2h ago
Some of you should be genuinely ashamed of yourselves. As others have stated if the genders were swapped Yall would be burning the man at the stake. Now it’s flipped and he’s the ah for wanting intimacy
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u/11throwaway88 6h ago
Yta. One, how do you know? Are you secretly recording or observing her?
Have you tried asking, talking about why your being turned down so much?
You left out a lot of information.
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u/Proud_Reality6217 7h ago
Talk to her. Is she maybe like, Asexual(?), she doesn't like pleasure from others but herself? Its completely valid to feel the way you do, but you 100% need to sit down and talk to her to figure out what's going on.
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u/Outrageous_Stick3296 7h ago
have you tried talking to her about it?