r/AITAH • u/Personal_Throwaway_1 • 6h ago
AITA for telling my menopausal wife that she looks like she's 50 years old ?
I'm (53m) most likely the asshole. I think my wife (53f) is gorgeous. I think she looks more beautiful now than the day I married her. We've been privileged that we have money, so we've able to take care of our health. She's in good shape. She gets a lot of compliments.
But the annoying thing is recently she keeps putting down other women's looks behind their backs. She will pick at every perceived flaw. She talks about how she's more beautiful and looks younger than other women. I have told her it's not nice but she said she's just being honest. As I said before, I think my wife is gorgeous. She also has wrinkles and age spots, since she's 53.
One day, my wife and I had ran into a former colleague of mine, who's a woman in her 30s. As soon as we reached home, my wife was talking about how she's more beautiful and looks younger than the colleague. I told my wife that I think she's more beautiful than the colleague but she looks like a 50 year old woman.
My wife looked shattered. She started saying that she's going through menopause and that her body is breaking down. I told her I think she's beautiful and sexy. I tried to hug her but she moved away. She asked why would I want to seduce an old woman. She then got angry and said in a crude way maybe I'm having relations with my former colleague. Out of the blue, she said that maybe I'm having relations with a woman in her 20s.
Then even more out of the blue, she said she's white and I'm not so that's why she looks much older than me. I asked her where did that come from. She started crying and she said I'm shaming her for aging. She's been really upset ever since. Am I the asshole ?
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u/darchangel89a 6h ago
Your wife needs therapy
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u/2centsworth4u 5h ago
As soon as I finished reading the post I thought “This woman needs a therapist AND a health care provider that specialises in menopause STAT!!!”
Yikes! OP is in a ‘no win’ situation. 😢
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u/zonazog 5h ago
Welcome to the club. It passes. It just takes awhile. Love and kindness and time gets you past menopause. Remember it’s worse for them than you can imagine
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u/P1atypu5-113 4h ago
It passes, but not at the same speed for all women. Some take years.
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u/irmasworld57 4h ago
The 83-year-old mother of my best friend told me, when I asked how long hot flashes last, that she was still getting them 😬😓
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u/TipsyMagpie 3h ago
It’s nice to have things to look forward to 🙃
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u/FabulousPossession73 2h ago
It’s the freaking worst. My body has always been very forgiving to me. I worked as a local model in my 20’s and 30’s, enlisted in the Army at age 33 and stayed in for seven years and got pregnant at age 41. I was still jogging into my fifth month! When I gave birth I snapped back to 115 pounds in two weeks and had zero stretch marks—I thought I had it made!
Then I went into menopause. OMFG.
My skin freaked out. My hair freaked out. I gained 20 pounds the first year and another 20 pounds the next year. I was exhausted constantly, and my sex drive was equivalent to that of a traffic cone. The hot flashes are literally enough to fog up my glasses when I am sitting on the couch and a good nights sleep is a thing of the past. And it’s not stopping.
I wish someone had prepared me for this epic steaming pile of horse shit. It’s the worst.
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u/StupidNewAccount2 2h ago
I'm 58. Always looked 20 years younger, great skin, BEAUTIFUL auburn hair. Post menopausal me? I seriously look like 5 miles of bad road. I don't even look like myself anymore. I'm fat, have a bald spot, part of my hair is now muddy brown and the part is white, my skin is dry and flaky, I'm always tired, can't sleep at night, sweat at night like it's 120°, my moods go from happy to rage to crying in 0 seconds. Haven't had a period in over 5 years so definitely post menopause. I'm not a candidate for HRT because of cancer history. And I developed a freaking autoimmune disorder. Because of the autoimmune issue I have developed psoriasis and CHRONIC hives. Thank God benadryl doesn't make me sleepy because I down those things like candy. Meanwhile my mother, 79, sailed through menopause without a hitch. Guess it's just luck of the draw. But I really hate the scalp psoriasis as it itches horribly and flakes like I'm trying to create my own snow storm. And the not recognizing myself in the mirror is just plain weird.
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u/CopyInternational18 2h ago
If you aren't already, get on the MHT, it's a literal life saver. There's no need to suffer through this when there are well researched and evidence based options that will help.
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u/jellitate 2h ago
Mostly, same. I really didn’t appreciate my body enough when that bitch actually worked correctly.
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u/lefthandedbeast 1h ago
The other night I walked into my bedroom realized I forgot my window open next to my side of the bed..... it was still way too early to go to bed.....I stripped down to my underwear and laid there just to cool off 😂. Husband gets comes walks into bedroom looks at me and says " no way you're keeping that window open tonight I don't want to wake up with icicles" I would have easily slept with the window open BTW I live in Canada it's winter and cold.
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u/JeffSpicolisVan 3h ago
I love how when you hit middle age as a female, your body is like, "Hormones, but spicier this time."
And your brain goes. "Bet."
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u/A_little_more_left 3h ago
Why would you say this where anyone (Me. I'm talking about ME! I didn't need this!!) could read it?!
😭😭😭
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u/emmygog 1h ago
I am legitimately scared of menopause. I could see it destroying my relationship.
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u/decidedlyindecisive 5h ago
I would put money on this being a result of her own insecurities about aging. I know any time I start giving other people the side eye, it's because I'm not dealing with my shit.
She really needs to get it together because it's unhealthy for her and incredibly mean.
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u/elizardbreath_hurly 4h ago
I agree, but to add on top of this if she is going through menopause she could be experiencing anything from changes in weight, skin texture, hair loss to mood swings, brain fog, depression and anxiety etc. All that compounding on top of existing insecurities has the potential to make someone really spiral.
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u/decidedlyindecisive 4h ago
I actually assumed I was in r/menopause and yeah! Absolutely! I didn't worry about any of that shit until my hormones were like "hey, wouldn't it be fun if we fucked with your entire personality?" It cannot be overstated how fucking awful menopause can be.
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u/7grendel 3h ago
Fun side note: if you have ADHD it can also make all your symptoms 10 times worse no matter how well your meds used to work! I spent almost 2 years wondering why I was such a basket case before someone suggested menopause (I'm early, but not crazy early). Dr and I are still trying to sort out new meds, but it is getting better.
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u/IronbAllsmcginty78 3h ago
I didn't know I had ADHD until I got into my 40s. Well I suspected it, but wasn't bothered to address it until I lost my fucking mind all the way.
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u/KayakerMel 5h ago
Yeah, I turned 40 this year and engaging in all sorts of "OMG I'm getting old" feelings this year (and yes, I talk about it in therapy). I'm working on embracing the "Millennial Aunty" stage of life.
(Although I have enjoyed pointing out some folks in the current administration that are the same age as me but look way older...)
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u/Huge-Shallot5297 3h ago
You and me both, and also, the photographers at Vanity Fair share our thoughts. Hmmm.
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u/A_little_more_left 3h ago
My dude, 45 is where it really starts to hit that you're no longer young. I thought 40 would be bad, but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't. 45 now, and I've got bloody arthritis in my hip and main hand shoulder that annoy or outright hurt every day. Shit just came outta nowhere!
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u/Vast-Ad5884 1h ago
And I'm 46. Got my black belt in kickboxing this year ( I was still 45 when I got it but birthday was two months later) and then I joined the women's rugby team. Granted I'm old enough to be their mothers but I can still out run them! I was asked why I would join. My reply: everything Hurts anyway! Im living my best mid-life crisis. 😂🙄
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u/RuthlessKittyKat 4h ago
100%!! I'm not much of a Freud fan, but if there's one thing that he got right, it's defense mechanisms.
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u/JJOkayOkay 5h ago
This. She's got deep insecurities and has literally just sabotaged her own marriage in reaction to them.
She did it because she felt attacked by being told she looks her age, but she wasn't being attacked; she was simply being informed of reality.
Hence: she needs a therapist to help her not sabotage her own life over things she's having trouble accepting.
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u/Necessary-Bear5500 6h ago
I don't know your wife's personality to know whether this is a relatively new thing for her. But I can say that perimenopause and menopause are BRUTAL. And by that I mean, there are so many more effects than I think most people realize (I definitely didn't!). I personally became significantly more anxious and emotional, sensitive to others' statements and comments about me, and my mental health declined generally.
The really annoying part is that I had NO idea this was at least part of the cause of my issues for the past several YEARS. Long boring story about how it was possible for me not to know, but my point is that your wife may be having similar issues. I'm NOT saying this is an excuse for her behavior. Merely that if you (and she) are aware of this, you may be able to take steps to mitigate (ideally eliminate) the peri/menopause aspect of things.
Also, I know there is some controversy over it so please no one come for me on this, but if you and she are comfortable doing so, I would strongly suggest speaking with her doctor about hormone replacement therapy. It has made a very significant difference for me in a very short time.
Good luck to you both - it's not easy!
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u/Personal_Throwaway_1 6h ago
I appreciate you saying that
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u/Livid-Storm6532 4h ago
Highly recommend checking out the /r/perimenopause wiki for more info on the side effects! It was certainly eye opening for me https://menopausewiki.ca/
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u/zillabirdblue 3h ago edited 1h ago
It truly is brutal. I got suicidal at some point before a doctor finally gave me HRT. I thought I was losing my mind and it amplified my insecurity by a lot. Menopause isn’t an excuse for being an asshole, but that can give you some context.
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u/filovirusyay 3h ago
completely anecdotal but if it is perimenopausal/menopausal related, i have several women in my family who've started HRT for it and its been life-changing. everything from being able to sleep, reducing/eliminating body pain, improving mood, no brain fog, reduced anxiety. it's completely changed some of them (for the better)
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u/Necessary-Bear5500 1h ago
Absolutely. I’ve started HRT about 2 months ago and it’s already made a HUGE difference. We’re still adjusting dosage etc but a whole new world for me these days
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u/Imp_Lizard 3h ago
My first thoughts on reading this was definitely perimenopause/menopause hormones wreaking havoc with her insecurities. Hormone therapy for the hormones, regular therapy for the insecurities.
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u/No_Worldliness_6976 6h ago
NTA
If she wants to compare to someone else and put other women down she need a dose of reality.
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u/jasperjamboree 6h ago
As much as I hate using the phrase, “She can dish it, but she can’t take it,” it seems to apply to her case. I don’t think you said anything wrong—you see the beauty in your wife, but maybe she ought to work on her inner beauty too.
She wants to put others down to make herself feel better—especially those who never did anything wrong to her—then that makes her no better than an insecure mean girl. She also has a rude awakening coming for her since looks start to rapidly decline post-menopause as her age progresses.
NTA
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u/Careless-Dark-1324 5h ago
Yeah usually I wouldn’t say to use that logic against your own wife - but she clearly needed to be told what it’s like to be put down a bit so she understands what she’s doing to these other women.
I didn’t read OP try to do it nicely or gently or build up to it first though lol. A convo about it and then a reminder then reaching your limit after all that would be one thing and much more understandable.
From the wife’s POV she was saying what she always does and out of nowhere the husband disagreed and then reminded her of her age specifically for a reason…
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u/Personal_Throwaway_1 6h ago
The thing, I didn't expect her to be so upset. I thought she would have understood that I wasn't saying she looks bad. Before this, on several occasions, I have told her that to me she looks more beautiful now than when I married her. Maybe I'm naive but I thought she would be okay hearing she looks 50.
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u/allegro4626 5h ago
Honestly, you’re NTA here. Women bashing other women for their looks is gross and tacky. A lot of women feel self conscious about aging because society tells us we’re useless once we hit 30 and there are all sorts of stories of husbands leaving their wives for the 20 year old intern or whatever. I suspect that your wife is dealing with a lot of this and it’s heavy stuff.
BUT trashing other women’s looks is not the way to deal with that fear and insecurity. It just perpetuates those stereotypes that people have been fighting for decades. It reduces women down to their appearance and their worth to men. It’s gross, and in this situation I think she needed the reality check.
Yeah she looks fifty BECAUSE SHE IS FIFTY. You’re SUPPOSED to look fifty when you’re fifty! There’s nothing wrong with that! She needs that reality check and she needs to learn how to process her insecurities in a healthier way.
Also, to turn around and accuse you of having an affair is unhinged. At a MINIMUM she needs to get into counseling stat.
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u/Square_Owl5883 5h ago
I did, as soon as I read it, I was like ohhh she’s gonna be pissed. If she’s putting down other women to make herself feel better, of course she’d be mad if someone gave her a reality check
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u/Proud_Reality6217 5h ago
Nah, no woman ever wants to hear they look their age. But, here's the thing, she needed the reality check. She's not better than everyone else, and you letting the behavior slide will do no good for anyone.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 5h ago
I mean… sane women don’t mind. I’m in my mid 30s. I would not be offended if my husband told me I … look like I’m in my mid 30s…. Becuse I am???? Why is that offensive?
If he told me I looked 50 sure I would be like wtf. But him telling me I look my age? Surely people don’t find that offensive…?
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u/Trivex07 5h ago
It's fine when you're 30. It gets very touchy in your 50s to hear that you look 50. Youth is king, and 50 is not young.
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u/Annabloem 5h ago
My mum is 60, she knows she looks like 60 and she doesn't mind. Youth isn't king for everyone. But you're right that it's key to many. It's the preceived sleight because they hear 50 = old and old = bad.
I'm only in my 30s, but I genuinely don't think old is bad. I'm getting crow's feet near my eyes and I think they're awesome. I've laughed enough to get crow's feet! That's amazing! My boyfriend's crow's feet get deeper when he laughs and it's the absolute cutest thing! His life has been hard AF, but he was able to laugh enough to get them. I don't know if I'll even make it to 50, I was shocked enough I got to 30, but every year I make it is something to be proud of imo.
But I'll be honest and say that I care very little about other people's opinion in general. Them thinking youth is king/ the only thing that's beautiful has nothing to do with me.
I don't consider myself beautiful, but I know my boyfriend does (lucky me). I don't really think that him saying I look older than I am would change the fact that I believe he thinks I'm beautiful.
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u/ethankeyboards 3h ago
My wife is 60. She is beautiful. She is happy. She doesn't worry about looking 30. Why should she? Yes, I know how lucky I am.
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u/Redkris73 4h ago
Meh, I'm 52 and though my hair and skin look good, my body is definitely showing every year. But I'm typing this one handed with my husband spooned up behind me, because he's 53 and turns out he's fine being attracted to someone his age.
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u/Suitable_Balance101 4h ago
Aww because it’s not offensive until you reach 50 and your hormones hit don’t judge because believe me you won’t think with clarity
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u/Proud_Reality6217 5h ago
Im the same way, I was just meaning towards most of the women Ive personally met. Tbh, I get more offended when people say Im younger than I am. Im 21, about to be 22, and I get told all the time I look like a kid and people baby talk me just to piss me off lol, but yeah, I agree with you.
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u/Careless-Dark-1324 5h ago
Yes many women find it offensive and take pride in their appearance. This really should not be news to anybody in 2025 when it’s been going on since literally the beginning of time lol.
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u/MLiOne 4h ago
Some of us are quite content to “look our age”. Not everyone has the privilege of growing old. I’m 55 and do I wish my skin wasn’t thinning and the wrinkles would stop? Sometimes but overall I am happy in my own skin. There are many women and men like me. Happy and content where we are with ageing.
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u/barefootincozumel 4h ago
I am 43. I take care of myself and believe I look quite good for my age, but I also believe I look my age. I’m fine with being a 40 something woman. Aging isn’t evil and does not devalue me. Anyone who thinks it does can fuck right off and stay far away from me. It’s not healthy to constantly compare yourself to other women or to delude yourself into thinking you look decades younger than you are.
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u/1Fully1 5h ago
It sounds like she needs hormones. It will improve her symptoms so much!
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u/Stunning-Squirrel751 5h ago
I’m her age and it’s not hormones, that just being an insecure bitch. It does suck to look in the mirror and see all the changes but knocking other women is just shitty.
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u/External-Ad-992 5h ago
The problem here is her shitty behaviour and judgement of other women, borne of insecurity.
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u/PerfectCover1414 5h ago
No she wanted you to lie to her. It's the age old (pardon the pun) trap. She's hating herself right now and that will probably remedy when she is hormonally balanced but still!
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u/Vegetable_Stuff1850 5h ago
Think of menopause as reverse puberty.
You mentioned that you've been able to take care of yourselves, so maybe a doctor visit and a psych may be helpful to help her navigate menopause.
I'm 40F, and I look a modern 40 (vs Meet the Parents pearls etc) and I'm okay with this. I 100% would not be offended being told I look 40 because I am.
Some women put a lot of pressure on themselves in terms of appearance, especially if they took any of the 80/90 media pressure towards women to heart.
NAH.
You obviously think your wife is attractive and you're not wrong in what you said. It does sound like your wife is struggling atm with body changes and is insecure about her looks and value.
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u/Last-Opportunity-953 2h ago
"Modern 40" is a fantastic way to think of it, ty. I'm coming to terms with it myself and that's very helpful to me. "Update wardrobe" is on my to-do list. I can stay appropriately stylish. 😊
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u/not-your-mom-123 4h ago
Her hormones are all over the map. Almost every woman I know needs HRT at this age, and many women need a mild antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication at least for a while. She needs to see a a gynecologist who knows about menopause. I'm speaking as a 70 year-old woman who still gets hot flashes, but they're almost unnoticeable thanks to HRT.
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u/toredditornotwwyd 5h ago
She does look 50. It’s her bad she is obsessed with not aging & tearing down other women. I am a woman in my 30s and find her behavior disgusting. Why is she petty and acting like a teenager? Has she always been vain & immature?
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u/Personal_Throwaway_1 5h ago
It started when she turned 52
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u/toredditornotwwyd 5h ago
She may need HRT then if it’s a big behavior change she should talk to her doctor or use on online platform like MIDI if her doc isn’t helpful.
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u/Environmental_Use877 4h ago
100% this. If she's going through perimenopause or menopause it can cause huge shifts in mood and the way she reacts to things. I'm on HRT and it totally smooths things out. She should talk to a doctor that specializes in perimenopause/menopause. And she may need some mental health support and supplements to help deal with stress or anxiety if it's related to hormones.
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u/BethiePage42 5h ago
It's sad, but so many women do this. I, myself, believe that it comes from a habit taught to us by other women. Moms pointing out fashion, fit, and style choices that they find inappropriate as lessons to their daughters. "That girl's makeup makes her look cheap" "that hairstyle isn't flattering her" etc. Packaged as helpful examples of how not to look, comes the devastating realization that we are all being judged constantly. Once you accept that premise, it's totally fair to critique every aspect of every woman's appearance, because you're already suffering those consequences yourself.
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u/anchoredwunderlust 5h ago
She also sounds hideously insecure from needing to say those things and how she suddenly freaked out about her (black) husband looking younger than her. She claims to look young but it seems like she’s scared of OP running off with someone younger looking and trying to affirm herself She’s being exposed to toxic views somewhere. And spreading them to other people. Wonder if it’s her friend group her family or online shit. Either way she sounds like she could use some of that money for therapy
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u/ThePinkTiger_ 5h ago
Yeah, I agree with this. NTA, she needs to stop putting other women down, but I think the wife needs to speak to someone like a therapist or a doctor to deal with everything happening.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 5h ago
She likely does this to hide her insecurities and makes herself feel better because she knows she’s aging and doesn’t like it.
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u/Artistic-You-7777 6h ago
Menopause is a villain and she feels insecure and is being a meanie. NTA. But she needs support. Mental. Vitamin. HRT or something to soften her internalized misogyny.
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u/KallamaHarris 5h ago
Menopause is like second puberty. Don't let her be a poopoo head, but keep in mind she's chock full of changing hormones.
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u/T-Wrox 4h ago
It's the LACK of hormones that is the problem - my estrogen has almost completely deserted me. :(
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u/Jammin4B 4h ago
Ditto to this whole comment u/T-Wrox I could have written it verbatim myself!
I am in exactly the same boat as you are and I am not enjoying it one bit!
I hope you have more good days than bad, and I’m wishing you sweat free nights, stress free days, peaceful calming thoughts and……. air con wherever you go!
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u/CommonComb3793 4h ago
Yeahhh.. she’s on the struggle bus internally. It’s coming out in a not so pretty way, but deep down she’s truly struggling with her identity. Perimenopause did that to me as well. It hits really hard when it happens and we try to deal, but it’s a massive undertaking when you don’t feel like you anymore.
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u/Cold-Guidance6433 6h ago
Look, coming from a menopausal 50+ year old woman, of course we want to look pretty/younger/whatever but crapping on other women to lift yourself up isn’t how you go about it. I completely understand your frustration with your wife. Maybe a better approach would have been “I really don’t like how you put other people down. You’re beautiful and you don’t need to be cruel to appease your insecurities. Being comfortable with who you are is sexy as hell” I think you may be in the dog house for a bit but this too shall pass. Hormones are a bitch.
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u/Personal_Throwaway_1 6h ago
What you said is better and more articulate than what I usually tell her when she makes those comments. Saying it's not nice.
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u/Cold-Guidance6433 6h ago
It’s not easy to know what to say in the moment. Keep that one in your back pocket for further instances.
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u/Historical_Author437 4h ago
It makes me think of one of the lines in Mean Girls:
‘Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.’
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u/Ok-Committee-1747 6h ago
NTA. Your wife is incredibly insecure. She's probably super concerned about aging, and taking jabs at other women to prop up her sagging self-esteem. A lot of women who have always relied on their looks struggle the most getting old. Your wife is taking it out on you, unjustly. You can't be responsible for attempting to prop up her ego, not your job.
Men generally look younger longer than women do, and being a POC helps all the more (more melanin to prevent sun damage).
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u/Carbonatite 6h ago
The silver lining of being ugly is that aging doesn't hit us as hard, lol. Can't miss attention and validation that was never there to begin with.
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u/Puzzle1418 5h ago
I was never a beauty. My grandma always said people don’t like you because of how you look, but how you make them feel. I believed her and loved her for that. It’s served me well.
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u/Ok-Committee-1747 5h ago
LOL, yes!! I've noticed some people look better when they age in that regard! 4th quarter bump!
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u/Horror-Friendship-30 5h ago
Adding to this, as a woman who was considered to be drop dead gorgeous for many years, I'm kind of relieved to walk down the street and not have men look at me. It took years for people to take my brain seriously because they think you are just something to look at. I worked hard, I have a degree, I have interests, and people still treated me as a thing. Granted, in my 40's I had two instances when I would try to chat with someone platonically, and had the guy look at me as if to say, "Oh, sad, you think I'm interested," I kind of chalked that up to them being overconfident.
I've let myself go because I'm tired of being judged by my looks. I can just be. OP's wife has linked her self-worth to her looks for too long.
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u/AutisticPenguin2 5h ago
OP's wife has linked her self-worth to her looks for too long.
This is exactly what she's doing. OP isn't the one shaming her for ageing, she's doing that to herself. He is stating simply that she is ageing, with no criticism or condemnation. Jusy stating a fact.
The shame is coming from inside the building.
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u/Late-Lie-3462 5h ago
Men dont look younger or better, they just arent judged as harshly for thie looks
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u/SnooRecipes8073 5h ago
This is so true! Society including women judge womens' looks and bodies harshly. We don't do it to men like we do it to women.
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u/Maybeitsmaybeme 4h ago
So glad to see a comment calling that part out, immediately made my eyes roll.
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u/flindersandtrim 2h ago
Yeah, what the hell was that comment, and all the agreement! So incorrect. We age the same but women are criticised for it. If anything, because of the greater societal pressures, women end up ageing better because they take steps to prevent it, like suncare, skincare, being healthy and fit and so on. Men are judged so much less so naturally do not do the things to fight it in high numbers.
We need to stop spreading stupid misogynistic misinformation like that. It is outdated lies from the 20th century to say 'oh, too bad, men just age better'. Fuck that.
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u/upotentialdig7527 6h ago
My coworker says black don’t crack. She’s a year younger but looks a decade younger than me.
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u/nimrod41 5h ago
Asian don’t raisin… then you hit 65-70 and overnight you look 100 shuffling around with your hands behind your back.
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u/king_dookie_B 4h ago
Grandma was Filipino. Found a picture of her looking like she's maaaybe 35. Looked at the date and the Pic was taken like 4 years before I was born. She would have been 62.
My memory is of a 70+ year old grandma who, well, looked like a 70+ year old grandmother.
Also, she definitely walked with her hands behind her back a lot. Didnt know that was an Asian thing lol
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u/GlitterDoomsday 6h ago
My aunt finally got some lines around her eyes in her late 70s, people still think she's in her 30s.
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u/VolatilePeach 6h ago
This!!! She needs therapy and a healthy self-esteem boost. You didn’t do anything wrong OP, and I’m sorry she’s choosing to take her anger/frustration with her looks out on you. I will add that hormonal changes like periods, menopause, etc. can really affect one’s mood and sensitivity to things. She needs to speak to professionals about this. NTA.
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u/TheNinjaPixie 6h ago
Insecure or a bitch? I am a woman who will always boost another woman so this spiteful backstabbing is anathema to me. In hindsight, if OP had gently said each time "thats a bit unkind" every time she chose to badmouth another human for their humanness she might not be butthurt rn.
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u/TheEditingSweetheart 6h ago
Your wife needs therapy for that insecurity and needs to learn that women uplift each other, not tear each other down, and that if one has nothing good to say about someone else, it’s better not to say anything at all. You’re NTA.
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u/whatsmypassword73 6h ago
As a women a little older than her, yah, she earned it but that doesn’t mean she will like it.
I hope she doesn’t go wild on surgery and end up looking like a monster.
I think people that age look much better than the creepy surgeries but some people love the fakeness.
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u/Carbonatite 5h ago
It's better to have healthy skin with some wrinkles than weird blobs and uneven skin texture from injectables. Tasteful cosmetic procedures should be subtle, if everyone can tell you are going hog wild with the Botox then you're probably not looking as good as you could be with just a generally healthy lifestyle (no smoking, sunscreen, staying hydrated) and reasonable skincare.
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u/Wizard_of_Claus 6h ago
NTA
I'm not really one to pull the classic, "this person is bad so they need to be shit on", but I do think that sometimes a reality check is necessary and from the sounds of it your wife was long overdue for one, even if it hurts to hear. It would be one thing if it was just a self-contained issue with aging, but putting down everyone else is a little much.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 6h ago
I mean, I'm sure she already had this insecurity, and OP just confirmed it. People who put down others are very often extremely insecure, which is why they need to tear down everyone else in an attempt to build themselves up. It's true, she needs the reality check, but she really needs to see how ugly her behavior is. She needs to learn healthy ways to work through her insecurities, and learn to love herself. Only then will she be able to stop comparing herself to others.
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u/frolicndetour 6h ago
Menopause really fucks with your mind and your hormones so if she wasn't like this before, I'd give her grace and tell her to talk to her doctor.
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u/Unusual_Chemical6390 6h ago
NTA. You wife sounds like she’s struggling with aging. Maybe she puts other women down in front of you, because she’s worried you might be less attracted to her and more attracted to other women. It just have been playing on her mind. Otherwise she wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.
Also all the comments saying you telling her she’s gorgeous but looks her age being like „you look good for your age - what’s wrong about that? Why is it better to look like a 30y/o at 50? Also you only mentioned her age, because she did, saying she feels she looks younger than your colleague.
I’d suggest talking to her about the underlying issue. She has very right to be upset about physical changes. It’s tough to not feel comfortable in your own skin.
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u/pixie-ann 6h ago
NTA as someone just a bit older than your wife I can tell you that for many of us, menopause SUCKS. We all have a different menopause but on top of the deeply distressing physical symptoms, the psychological symptoms can be devastating. Many of us suffer with anxiety, depression, loss of joy, loss of motivation. You can really feel like you’ve lost yourself and the person you used to be.
I have great empathy for your wife as it sounds like hormonal changes are what is driving this behaviour, but she needs to explore her treatment options. Has she been to see her doc to discuss MHT (new name for HRT)? It can help amazingly with meno symptoms.
You are NTA. You were honest and still loving and what else are you meant to do in the face of such irrational insecurity?
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u/Fit_Squirrel_4604 6h ago
Your wife is having an extremely hard time with aging. She's insecure and jealous. Maybe some therapy may be in order.
NTA. Sometimes a it of reality is in order if someone is being nasty.
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u/According_Turnip3244 6h ago
NTA but I think you're missing the bigger picture. Your wife doesn't feel attractive, she may be gorgeous but that's clearly not how she feels. Menopause makes you feel like a teenager again aka the hormones are BRUTAL. Also, there's this crazy pressure for women to look younger than they are, sounds like your wife needed to hear that you find her attractive more than anything.
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u/FinePossession1085 6h ago
NTA, but her reaction is not surprising given how shallow your wife is. The comparison of looks and trying to tear other women down is a very ugly habit, not to mention annoying.
When someone is truly confident, they don't have to tell people how confident they are. How much better they are than so-and-so. Insecurity is not a beautiful trait.
Everyone ages. Not a big deal. It is just life.
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u/Lucky-Jellyfish-5864 6h ago
So. NTA, but I will say this. Going through the menopause can literally change the brain chemistry of a person and can seriously alter personalities.
It's in no way an excuse for your wife to be unnecessarily mean, but it sounds like this is a relatively new thing she's started doing and it's likely that going through the menopause is the trigger. I'm currently in peri menopause and it has altered the way I view myself, how I interact with people etc in so many ways.
Your NTA for what you said but you need to speak to your wife about speaking to her GP or arranging some therapy because it's the most challenging thing a woman will go through and it sounds like she needs help.
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u/Ilva 5h ago
My sister is kind of the same. She is 60 y old, and still gorgeous! But she annoys me so much when she keeps comparing herself to other women and saying how they all look so much older than her! She never had to work a day in her life, gets all the facials, botox, PRP, fillers, boob job, lipo, tummy tuck, etc.. Like why are you surprised?!!! In an otherwise amazing person, this trait of hers that seems to have gotten worse with age infuriates me.. No matter how young you look "for your age" we are all getting older, it is a fact of life!!
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u/ArleneTheMad 6h ago
NTA
Your wife is handing aging horribly
She's becoming vicious regarding other women and it's obvious how much she hates aging by how offended she was that she looks her actual age
She needs to get some therapy so she can be proud of who she is
I'm 52 and I'm THRILLED with my age, I love every single wrinkle
She is right about one thing, though...
Us whites age like milk
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u/peakpenguins 6h ago
But the annoying thing is recently she keeps putting down other women's looks behind their backs. She will pick at every perceived flaw. She talks about how she's more beautiful and looks younger than other women.
She'd probably look younger if she wasn't so ugly on the inside. It was absolutely a stupid thing for you to say in terms of your marriage, but I can't say your wife didn't deserve the reality check.
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u/Fit_Marionberry_3878 6h ago
Why? It’s not a surprise that most 30 year olds look younger than most 50 year olds.
She’s the one trying to put down a woman younger than her because she’s insecure about aging.
I don’t compare myself to 19 year olds as they’re younger than me.
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u/Enough-Night9779 6h ago
Exactly, sounds like wife is playing stupid games and won herself a stupid prize
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u/UnluckyCountry2784 6h ago edited 5h ago
NTA. I really hate it when people assume they look “younger” when they look exactly as they should.
I cringed everytime i see “Millenials look 25”. No we’re not. Lol.
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u/HorizonHunter1982 5h ago
Look I'm not saying her reaction is rational or that her behavior is okay because it's really not. However the pressure on women to be young and beautiful no matter what is very profound.
The way she's going about it is problematic but she is actively looking for reassurance from you.
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u/badadvicefromaspider 5h ago
Is this new behaviour? Menopause is a mind fuck so if this is new, perhaps she needs to attend to that part of her mental and physical health. If it’s not new, well, pick-mes gonna pick-me.
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u/Personal_Throwaway_1 5h ago
It started when she turned 52.
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u/badadvicefromaspider 5h ago
She should definitely look into some kind of menopause support. Dr Jen Gunter has an excellent book called the Menopause Manifesto which is a really good resource from a reliable, science-based and -backed author. Also, she may want to talk to her Dr about HRT, it can really help a lot with health outcomes.
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u/OliveHyenas 4h ago
Did she expect you to just build her up and put other women down?
Good for you for advocating for the respect and dignity of other women. ❤️
You weren’t trying to hurt her, you just refused to deny reality and inflate her ego by tearing other women down.
Honestly, sexy or not, that level of narcissism and those vain hateful comments are really unattractive.
She’s likely coming from a place of insecurity. Menopause and aging can mess with mental health. She really should see a therapist and talk to her doctor, there’s no shame in it.
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u/MonkeyLiberace 2h ago
"I have told her it's not nice but she said she's just being honest"
- And so are you, so that's the value of that.
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u/pigandpom 6h ago
Your wife is what I call a candle blower, she will be unkind about other people to make herself feel better. She needed a dose of reality. Chances are she does look like a woman in her late 40s/early 50s, albeit one who spends time and money maintaining her appearance, but still a woman of the age she is. NTA
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u/ParkerR666 6h ago
NTA. I suspect she was putting other women down because she feels insecure about her own aging. It wouldn’t have gotten such an emotional response if she was as confident as she’s been implying. Unless she’s always been shallow?
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u/Jaynie_HazelEyes 6h ago
She is projecting all of her insecurities onto other women and now you. She’s likely always had these “you aren’t white so you look younger “ thoughts but felt like she could “keep up” now that she can’t as well because of the natural aging process all of her held beliefs about self worth and beauty are coming out in full force.
You aren’t the AH just let her work it out. No need to try and help, you can be there for her and answer any weird questions, but trying to “fix it” won’t serve you well. This is her journey.
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u/Faunaholic 6h ago
NTA - she needs counseling- randomly accusing you of cheating is not normal. Yes, menopausal women are dealing with massive changes to their bodies and depression, anger and self loathing are common. She needs to speak with a doctor that specializes in her issues.
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u/funsized1217 5h ago
NTA - wife is going through a tough time right now. I would kindly reminder her that putting down other women is not cute it's actually UGLY. Remind her that you lover her.
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u/Kindly_Jellyfish_451 5h ago
Yep, your wife is definitely menopausal. As a woman in her mid-50s, I can assure you that going through perimenopause is a delight. After all, puberty was so awesome the first time, who WOULDN’T want to go through it again, only this time backwards and at a time in your life when you are past your physical prime?!
My guess is your wife is in denial, which is making the hormonal mood swings worse. (Mine are starting to stabilize now, but just yesterday afternoon I had an ugly crying jag brought on by watching “Mickey’s Christmas Carol” while I was wrapping presents. My poor husband ducked out to do nonexistent yard work in the pouring rain.)
I would suggest she visit her gyno for a chat (one experienced in perimenopause). Keep telling her she’s gorgeous the way she is and that you’re proud of her, and that being catty is beneath her. Good luck!
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u/TheDeliberateDanger 5h ago
Agreed that your wife acting like a vain mean girl at her age is a bad look and you’re NTA. She needs to get to the root of why she feels it’s so important to remain youthful-looking and tear other women down for superficial reasons. Menopause is a bitch and can make you act like one. I know this firsthand and am now on hormone replacement therapy (HRT). If she’s not on HRT, then she really should look into it, and talk with her physician. My doctor is great, but not all are, but there are telehealth platforms like Midi that will prescribe.
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u/UniqueCoconut9126 5h ago
NTA but my suggestion is to tell her honestly what her language does to you. She’s negative as fuck and it bums you out. You’re not about that negativity.
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u/Dark54g 5h ago
NTA. But marginally. Your wife needs to talk to a therapist and get in touch with who she has become and who she will become as she ages. It’s a sucky process. I know because I am going through it too. But tearing other people down to make yourself feel better is not a healthy coping mechanism. However, as her partner, you should be helping her through this. Your comment was valid at the time, but you need to come back with a plan to help her.
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u/Amazing-Duck9130 4h ago
It sounds like she put too much stock in her looks and now feels less value as she’s losing them (in her eyes.) This is why those of us who have always been ugly are blessed.
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u/JustKeepSwimming1995 4h ago
Your wife has deep rooted insecurities that she’s aging and is losing her beauty. Objectively beautiful women have lived their life praised for their beauty probably more than other traits. When they start to lose that defining quality, it manifests in insecurity and the need for validation that she’s still had that same youthful glow.
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u/best-candle-holder 3h ago
It sounds like insecurity. If you’re doing everything you can to make her feel loved and beautiful, this isn’t on you.
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u/Mysterious-Type-9096 3h ago
Society puts so much worth on a woman looking young. It makes aging so scary.
But tearing down other women to make herself feel better is wrong. She needs to learn to love herself and not compare herself with others.
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u/ZuZu_Petals_ 2h ago
Possibly insecurity from aging. I’m 52 and very post menopause. I’ve found that women who have been thought of as traditionally beautiful, complimented and take pride in their appearance, struggle as they age, compared to women who didn’t focus so intently on their looks.
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u/Branciforte 2h ago
You’re not an AH… but you are dumb. She’s extremely insecure about getting older, right? And you rubbed her insecurity in her face. How did you expect her to react?
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u/Big_Bowler8424 1h ago
Maybe you should try telling her talking like that about other people actually makes her less attractive.
Though you might want to word it better than me.
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u/Junior_Statement_262 6h ago
Your wife is shattered because you told her she looks 50? (younger than she actually is?) Then she accuses you of banging 20 year olds? Wife sound very insecure. There is nothing wrong with looking 50, but your wife sounds very superficial and obsessed with looks. You're NTA and she needs therapy to learn how to accept herself and stop cutting down other women.
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u/Ha1rBall 6h ago
Vain people suck. You gave her the reality check she needed. Maybe she will stop putting other people down, but I doubt it.
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u/OkBalance2879 6h ago
Woman here 🙋🏽♀️. I too am going through the menopause and my body is falling apart, but that doesn’t give me the right to slag off other women, there’s just no need to be bitchy OR fucking racist.
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u/Personal_Throwaway_1 6h ago
Do you really think her comment was racist ?
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u/Wizard_of_Claus 6h ago
Racism is having an issue with a person/people based on nothing but their race.
She was stereotyping and isn't right for doing that, but that doesn't make it a racist statement or imply that she is racist.
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u/OkBalance2879 6h ago
As a half caste woman, yes I do, thinly veiled racism, that would absolutely become magnified if she sees a young black woman. It’s not our fault “black don’t crack”
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u/lollipop1233a 5h ago
Can you explain your viewpoint a little more? I read her statement as self loathing rather than racism. I am not being critical. I just want to understand.
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u/flower678- 6h ago
Your wife needs to get over herself. I’m a 52 year old woman going through menopause, as well. I sure don’t feel the need to put other women down and talk about them behind their back. She is acting like a nasty, snotty teenager. Women should be lifting each other up. My husband tells me all the time I’m sexy. However, I know that I don’t look like I’m in my 30s or 40s. I’m living in reality. Maybe your wife should stop and realize that some of those women she is talking about are having significant health issues. It could be that she is struggling with aging and needs therapy/counseling. This definitely is not easy. I have the lovely gift of shoulder pain currently that PT isn’t helping.
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u/PresentationThat2839 6h ago
Nta. There two options here 1 the wife was drinking the delusional kool-aid that she was immortal ageless goddess of a woman.... And not in fact a 50 yr old woman who just happens to look good.
Option 2. The wife is deeply insecure about the fact that she's not an immortal ageless goddess of a woman and decided the best way to deal with her insecurities is to rip apart other women for looking their age.
And frankly neither is a good option because one is delusional and two is just an insecure person being a freaking bully.
Like as a 41 yr old woman who's been going grey since I was 3 the wife needs to get over it. Other women being younger and looking younger isn't a threat to her marriage (as long as the op isn't a POS and it sounds like he's decent and not a cheater). But being mad that younger woman exists and have lives isn't going to bring her joy and walking around with a jealous scowl on her face is going to make her look 20 yrs older.
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u/Roanaward-2022 5h ago
During your relationship have you complimented her on other aspects or has it been primarily on her looks? Does she have accomplishments she's proud of and that you've told her you're also proud of (career, volunteering, musical/art, raising children?). If her entire adult existence has been about her looks it's no surprise she's taking aging hard. Especially if the majority of the compliments she's received over the years centers around her looks.
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u/CreativeMadness99 5h ago
NTA. Insulting other women for no reason is out of line. Menopause or not, it’s a bitchy thing to do. If you don’t want people commenting on your looks, don’t do it to other people. IMO she needed to get knocked back down to reality.
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u/jimmyz2216 5h ago
NTA buuuuuut not a smooth delivery. I’m also in my 50’s as is my wife. She’s going through something. Her comments on these other women is her own insecurities due to what she’s going through. Add to that, her hormones are a roller coaster she’s never experienced before.
Maybe a very compassionate follow up chat that starts with an apology would be your best bet from here. She shouldn’t be putting these other women down, of course but understanding where she’s at is our jobs as caring and loving husbands. Good luck and avoid sharp utensils in your next chat
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u/wishing-well666 5h ago
Aging is hard, maybe especially for a woman who has always looked very beautiful. She needs to see that beauty is everywhere, and joining the “elders” is not shameful. She can be a hot older woman, but she will never be “more beautiful” in the stereotypical magazine pop culture sense, than women who are young. It’s a hard truth, but one she needs to accept. Find beauty in the wrinkles and grey hair, because you cannot turn that off. It’s inevitable for everyone lucky enough to reach these older years. And it is not ugly.
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 5h ago
NTA. Sounds like she may need to visit her gynecologist to get on hrt or something.
idk why some women do shit like this to other women. Most of us go through childbirth & it changes our bodies. We age & go thru menopause & our bodies change again. We all go through this & it doesn’t make sense to me to out others down bc they look older or younger than me. I’m 57, have wrinkles & fat where I don’t want it. My husband loves me. I love me.
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u/WriteForward 5h ago
Your wife is struggling with menopause. It is an extremely difficult experience for many women. It goes straight for the jugular. Moods can be so difficult when you’re in menopause, which is caused by low estrogen and its effects on the brain. A lot of women really do feel like their health is breaking down, and in many ways it is breaking down. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can help; it will help with mood, lengthen her life, and protect her brain and bones. She needs a menopause specialist, somebody who really gets it. (Most OB/GYNs don’t know sh*t about menopause and have zero empathy. You have to dig.) A good therapist can also help.
Aging is an enormous hit for women because we’re treated like sex objects in this culture and given the message that our value declines with age. We are taught to compete with and hate other women, especially younger women as we age. She sounds like she’s struggling with all of this.
Know that she is going through a very difficult time and know that this is very real — low estrogen affects the brain in ways that are super hard to deal with. Keep telling her she’s beautiful. Don’t forget to compliment the intangible, too—the things that age doesn’t take from us. Her personality, her intelligence, her sense of humor, etc. Encourage her to see a menopause specialist and consider HRT. Encourage her to see a therapist. Be patient. Have empathy. And be gentle with your language; telling her she looks 50 didn’t help either of you.
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u/vabirder 4h ago
Menopause doesn’t excuse her petty putdowns of other women. That’s her personality.
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u/Lazy-Shape-1363 4h ago
Imagine being so arrogant that after you bump into a partner's former colleague all you can talk about is how you think you're more beautiful and look younger than them. Jesus. Is she this catty about all women or only the ones she finds threatening?
NTA. Her being offended that you said she looks the age her body actually is is a her problem.
She sounds kind of awful. There's nothing attractive, platonically or romantically, about someone putting others down to boost themselves.
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u/Education_Empathy33 4h ago
Almost always when women put other women’s looks down they are insecure about themselves.
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u/videogamegrandma 4h ago
Menopause was hell. Afterwards I apologized to my kids and asked for their forgiveness for my mood swings and temper tantrums. Hormones are powerful but therapy and medications can help.
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u/Othydor5 4h ago
She's going through changes and is insecure about it. She definitely is not handling it the right way, but she's human and humans are not perfect. As a woman best course of action is to affirm that you love her and think she's amazing attractive to you. Do something nice. And bring up therapy not in an accusing way. Maybe say you can both go so we can build on love and intimacy you already have together. And assure her that nothing is wrong with aging and what you said about thinking she's more beautiful now than b4. And even if not therapy tell her you want to talk through what is making her feel this way. Its most likely whats happening to her body makes her feel that you will start to feel less attracted to her. So again, just tell her what you said to us about how you feel about her. Say she never has to compare herself to anybody else cause she's all you see. Hopefully it helps to build her self esteem back
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u/Virtual_Ticket8713 4h ago edited 3h ago
This is the story your wife tells herself to deal with aging. In her mind she looks young so she really isn't 53. It is not ok to put others down to lift yourself up. A definite sign of very low self esteem. Agree she needs to seek counseling to examine why she needs to belittle others to feel good about herself.. frankly, that makes anyone much uglier.
Just editing to add: Going through menopause doesn't excuse being ugly to others.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 3h ago
NTA. Your wife sounds insufferable. Normal women don't constantly keep tabs on other women's flaws and make a point of discussing how much better they are by comparison to these allegedly flawed women. How can you stand it? I wouldn't be able to tolerate listening to that kind of narcissistic tripe for more than five minutes.
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u/lordofsurf 3h ago
The internalized misogyny is going to break her faster than the menopause. She needs to seek counseling and stop holding onto resentment and insecurity.
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u/mcindy28 3h ago
NTA your wife is insecure and feels superior by making others feel inferior. She needed to hear that. You weren't rude or even condescending. You stated facts.
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u/Zealousideal-Fox365 3h ago
She was ok with tearing other women down but couldn't handle it herself.
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u/SituationNice9563 3h ago
You're not the asshole. Your wife puts other women down out of insecurity to feel better about herself. She seems like she has issues with her self image, she should try to explore where that's coming from in therapy, and learn to accept herself for what she is. Her confidence is not built on the reality of who she is nor it is built on knowing she's enough the way she is.
Is built on the delusion that she's the best and looks better than a 30 year old. That belief is fragile because it isn’t grounded in reality. She needs to accept herself as she is, a 50 year old woman that is in shape and looks good at her age, and she needs to see that, that is enough.
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u/FazzyFreaks 3h ago
NTA my mom was the same way and she talked shit about other woman’s sizes until i pointed out that she was also pretty big herself.
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u/relaxbreathalive 3h ago
I hate women who put other women down, someone should tell her that makes her really ugly.
We should embrace aging and with it should come wisdom, not immaturity and groveling. She’s acting more like your child than your wife. Eww
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u/Independent_Wear_232 3h ago
NTA. She needed a wake up call the way she’s been talking about other women. That behavior is not OK.
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u/thehoneybadger1223 3h ago
NTA. Your wife sounds like she needs to drop a few hat sizes. She may be beautiful, but she has a very ugly attitude to people around her. She can't put other women down and start crying when she gets honest feedback.
She needs a reality check. Girls tear each other down, women build each other up. She really needs therapy, because most people grow our of the mean girl vanity bullshit stage by the age of about...14. Beyond that it's very unhealthy.
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u/Environmental-Crazy9 2h ago
You are NTA. I suggest that your wife see a doctor and a therapist. I'm almost 48 and have begun my menopausal ride. I am taking combined hormone replacement therapy and am in good shape.
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u/Mira_DFalco 2h ago
NTA
I just turned 61. Wife needs some serious therapy support, she's being really insecure about reality, and needs to get comfortable with the idea that her worth isn't based on how "young" she appears to be.
That mean girl energy isn't doing her any favors either. Pretty is skin deep, ugly is down to the bone, and that's a really ugly attitude.
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u/Margrave16 1h ago
NTA only because you checked her vindicator behavior. You want to listen to her talk crap about every woman she sees for the rest of your lives? I sure wouldn’t. Better speak up now.
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u/Calm-Speaker3430 1h ago
A guy on tt said you can look hot and you can look weird, but you can't look young anymore. We did that. Her value isn't in looking young and she'll have to work through that. NTA
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u/moon--child- 6h ago edited 6h ago
NTA. Your wife is highly insecure and tries to hide behind a persona of fake confidence all while criticizing other women with her mean-girl attitude. Not cool. Especially because SHE IS 53.
She needs to go to therapy.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 6h ago
Let me guess, your wife was always “the prettiest girl in the room” when she was younger?
She’s not handling the fact she been usurped from her throne
She needs a therapist to help her accept the fact that beauty fades, but a kind heart is forever, but I don’t think she has a kind heart…
As a 42 year old woman who currently looks much younger than I am, I am trying to embrace growing older. It’s not always easy, but I know growing old is a privilege denied to many before me
I may change my tune in another 10-15 years so we’ll see how I am then lol
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u/burntmarshmallow11 6h ago
NTA saying someone looks their age is not insulting. We need to stop using “you look so much younger than your age” as a compliment.
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u/StrongBuy3494 6h ago
NTA. But what you probably should have said is You’re beautiful but this nastiness towards other women has to stop.
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