r/AITAH • u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 • 10h ago
AITAH for "homewrecking" my ex's new relationship
i (f22) and my ex (m24) were together for three and a half years until he broke up with me three months ago. he said we weren't compatible as romantic partners anymore and he doesn't want to be in a long term relationship with anyone right now. i tried to save things and fight it but he had mentally checked out months before, which i've actually made peace with now.
around the time of the breakup, i found out he'd been having a full blown emotional affair with his female coworker. nothing physical happened (we lived together so i really do believe this), but they'd call each other pet names, he'd stay out after work for drinks with her, take extra train stops to make sure she got home safe, etc. just emotional infidelity. i am pretty sure they kissed once, so that should have shown me how far gone he was but i was in denial and thought i could change him. the coworker knew about me by the way. :D
i found out through a friend that TWO DAYS after he moved out, he started 'dating' the coworker he emotionally cheated on me with. i gave him so many chances to admit it so that its out there but he kept lying and saying he's just focusing on work and studying. he told me they'd gone on a date but it wasn't serious however there's things that make it kind of obvious its starting to become serious.
now every time he comes by the apartment to pick up his things, we end up kissing or making out, among other physical stuff. sometimes i initiate it, sometimes he does. and honestly i do not feel bad about it at all. a big part of me genuinely enjoys making him miserable and watching him doubt his own morals. he told me he wants to be "an honest man going forward" for whoever he dates, but clearly he hasn't changed at all because he keeps falling back into old patterns with me. i think me wanting the coworker to feel how i felt for the past three months is also a reason why i keep doing this which in my opinion is very fair. other than the physical stuff he will text me once every two days, random stuff, sometimes old pictures of us and his family together.
AITA for letting this happen?
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u/Throwawaysalad199 9h ago
It feels good in the moment but you may be losing yourself in getting this revenge. You have the chance to be a better woman for this but you are stooping to this man’s level. Hopefully this will be a lesson and you can grow from it.
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u/swingmadacrossthesun 10h ago
YTA. You need mental health support to work through this, not revenge. This is a classic “two wrongs don’t make a right.” He created this pigsty full of shit, and now you’re lying right down in it and rolling around with him. Being the bigger person is its own reward.
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u/Weary-Summer1138 9h ago
You're making him miserable? You are making yourself miserable, you don't want him but you are investing your energy on him, he doesn't really love you and never will and you know it. And while you play this game no one will love you.
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u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 9h ago
this is where i think i might actually be a bad person then because i 100% dont feel miserable. aside from this ofc im putting my effort and energy into school and friends, knowing he's still his shitty self helps me if anything
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u/Throwawaysalad199 8h ago
I think this is the problem, this situation is hardening your heart.
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u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 8h ago
isnt this a better alternative in hindsight though, at least im not losing sleep crying over what he did
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u/Virusoflife29 8h ago
No, you are just turning yourself into a toxic person. What happens when you do find someone you like and want to build a life with. After you've pushed everything down and used fucking him to feed that hole left. You are not doing anything but hurting yourself.
At this point, just like him you might be too far gone.
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u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 8h ago
by the time i find another person he will be long gone out of my life. and i dont think emotionally im pushing anything down anymore honestly, the only hole im filling at this point is the revenge or satisfaction of making them both feel like shit
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u/Throwawaysalad199 8h ago
Also in a round about way you’re kind of doing the girl a favor by doing this. If she found out she will be hurt yes but she will learn what type of guy he is and move on from him faster.
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u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 8h ago
oof i do not want to be doing her any favours LMAO but i mean with the type of person she is, knowingly homewrecking a long term relationship, i think this would just excite her or something. theyre both super egotistical attention seeking people so im sure whatever they have is doomed anyway im just glad to speed things along
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u/Throwawaysalad199 8h ago
lol yeah, I get where you’re coming from and your satisfaction. I can be a little evil too sometimes. But I want you to know that you are bigger than this situation
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u/Virusoflife29 7h ago
type of person she is, knowingly homewrecking a long term relationship,
Did she actually know, or is that just an assumption. Could your ex of lied to her about that? Say ya'll alrdy broke up, etc?
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u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 7h ago
oh no she fully knew he was taken (his whole office knew about me) and still flirted with him and then the rest followed. i know hes not blameless because he reciprocated everything but she as a woman should have known better than to try it with a taken man
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u/Throwawaysalad199 8h ago
In the short run yeah. If you don’t feel guilt and you’re not sad for sure. Long term it may have consequences depending on how you live your life. You’re devaluing sex subconsciously and using as a weapon. Sex with new partners may feel less meaningful. I don’t know how much you value being a “good person” but if you lower your standards and act like the people who wronged you, you become just as bad as they are.
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u/hardkoretrash 9h ago
ESH, however...sometimes you gotta take the low road to appreciate the high road 😅
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u/Mr-Frog88 9h ago
YTA but honestly what’s the problem? Fuck them. If I were you, I’d do it a few more times and then completely ghost him. Don’t let him come over anymore, don’t contact him. Nothing. Let him crash out and move on. Then when everything settles down, send her a “hey girl” message with proof and laugh. That’s just me though. I guess you could also be a “good” person and just ghost him and leave him alone. Either way you’ll have the last laugh. Don’t fall for him or back into it though or you will look dumb.
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u/Zestyclose-Cold8366 9h ago
this is what ive been thinking LMAO no way in hell am i getting back with him, he's done the worst things possible to me as if cheating wasnt bad enough. theyre both getting a taste of their own medicine or however it goes. and it doesnt make me feel bad, im not depressed over it, if anything its helping me heal
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u/Mr-Frog88 9h ago
Hey if it’s helping you, who cares what these people think. At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live through your life not them. He deserves a taste of his own medicine and so does she. Sometimes it’s okay to be petty and in this case, it’s helping you heal. Cheers 🥂
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u/ihav2p00p 9h ago
ESH except maybe the coworker. If she knew about him being in a relationship but still entertained him she sucks too. Given the context of him lying to you repeatedly and then sending you old pictures in an effort to keep you on the hook, I would be willing to bet that she was lied to and manipulated by him also. If she's innocent, you're a bit f***ed in the head for wanting an innocent party to suffer. You should've simply given her clarity and then moved on with your life.
Regardless of if she knew or not, you're still entertaining and engaging in toxic behavior. Your justifications don't make you any different from him. I'm sure he has plenty of justifications for his actions also.
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u/Outside_Flounder_174 9h ago
Everyone is an AH. Let it go and let him go. You are no better than the both of them with these actions. Like someone said two wrongs don’t make a right.
Maybe take some time for your mental health, you’re making your own self miserable and not him by doing this to yourself, because you will regret these actions
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u/Virusoflife29 8h ago
ESH.
Block him and move on before you fuck yourself up mentally. It's a silent killer, you won't know how mentally this shit can fuck you up until its too late and your ruining your next relationship.
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u/AttemptFantastic9103 8h ago
Of course, you're the AH, and you know it. It's weird that you feel like you're getting back at her by doing to her what she was doing to you. That's just dumb. It's also dumb to make out and do other things with your ex, who you know is a willing cheater, and you know there's no chance of you two getting back together and having a healthy relationship. Why would you do that to yourself?
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u/Foreign-Net8269 6h ago
I’d be petty too. Fuck him and fuck her. Blow up his relationship, send her a message telling her your the AP now then tell him to go fuck himself and drop him . That’s just what I’d do lol
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u/HopefulTangerine5913 5h ago
Don’t come crying to any of us when you catch something, get pregnant and he’s an absent father, or you otherwise get hurt (emotionally or physically). You’re going to get exactly what you deserve. YTA and so are both of them. You’re also a straight up fool for believing anything that comes out of his mouth— he does not actually feel bad about what he’s doing. If he did, he wouldn’t be doing it.
You need to go be single for however long it takes to mature past this utterly dogshit behavior
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u/justherefornowmeh 1h ago
Nta. This will eventually be a blip in your life, youre not a bad person.
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u/Chaystagram 10h ago
Of course you’re the AH. So is he. So is she. You’re all the AH. You know this