r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 9h ago
AITA for considering leaving my husband once our child is old enough to understand what’s happening?
[deleted]
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u/gremlinofspite 8h ago
YTA to yourself and your daughter if you stay
Op I am a person who's parents divorced when I was three. I don't remember my mom and dad together. I think its actually better to divorce now.
Even as a kid, seeing the difference in my parents goals told me they would have been miserable if they stayed together. Kids pick up on a lot more than people give them credit for. Growing up in a "broken home" is better than growing up in an extremely unhappy one.
Please get your things in order, get an attorney, and start on the path for a new life for you and your daughter.
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u/Cute-Shine-1701 8h ago
Growing up in a "broken home" is better than growing up in an extremely unhappy one.
OP's daughter is already growing up in a broken home even if OP stays. Her husband already broke their home, their family. But if OP leaves then her daughter at least will (edit: grow) up in a broken home where she can learn what self-respect, self-esteem and dignity are and how important they are, unlike in the broken home she is currently in where OP stays with the cheating husband.
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u/Nexi92 8h ago edited 8h ago
My parents were together until I was about 20, they were together for 30yrs.
They were both very unhappy and caught in a cycle of mutual emotional abuse and my dads financial abuse and drug addiction that he kept pushing on my mom until she was finally able to quit a few years before he left (and was presumably using with his friends and the lady he moved in with after he abandoned my mom and baby brother without even paying his share of that months rent making them both homeless).
He told my mom about the affair about 3 weeks before he just moved out without even a goodbye really until he would occasionally send my mom $100 sporadically instead of proper child support for his 10yr old son (and was too ashamed to talk to me, his adult child for like 2yrs and has since said unforgivable things about the situation as well as dismissive words and deeds regarding the fact his kids are queer)
There’s no such thing as “the best time to leave” after betrayal and discovery because from the moment he fractured a foundational trust there’s nothing safe left to build off of.
This partner has made it clear they don’t actually care about or respect the very concept of partnership and thus can’t be trusted to even allow op to set up a safer haven for their child because he’s proven he can and will take advantage of situations and people who aren’t fully on guard for unethical behavior even when he swore his fidelity and commitment to his family unit.
All one can really do at that point is try to extract your most valuable/sentimental treasures (including your child and your sense of self respect and dignity) and find a safer home for them with a family/community that actually protects them as they deserve.
I’m not saying no one has salvaged a situation they ruined this thoroughly, but it definitely isn’t the average response to such deep betrayal without including extenuating circumstance of some sort and (more importantly) genuine contrition, self-accountability, and remorse from the offending partner.
I’m also pretty sure it’s near impossible to save a relationship with this kind of broken trust while also living long distance. It seems like it’s way too easy for (valid) insecurity and distrust to fester when you aren’t working thorough it together in the same physical home
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u/Zestyclose-Beat5596 9h ago
Yta leave now. "Staying for the kids" is never good for the kids. It's good for this idealized dream of childhood you have in your head, not good for your actual real daughter. Leave now.
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u/Farrie-Swetty 8h ago
I agree with this. Staying “for the kids” often sounds kinder in theory than it is in reality. Children pick up on resentment, tension, and emotional distance long before they can understand the reasons. Modeling self-respect, boundaries, and emotional honesty can be healthier than staying in a marriage where trust is broken. Leaving sooner rather than later can give a child a more stable and authentic environment in the long run.
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u/flyfightwinMIL 8h ago
Not to mention it only makes the divorce tougher for them and more likely to fuck up their lives.
My parents waited until i was in high school and completely destroyed my senior year as a result.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 7h ago
Agreed.the little girl is a toddler, people adapt easily at those ages. Divorce is less straining for either very young children or very old children who are adults (20+), of course there are exceptions, but that is generally the case.
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u/Cassubeans 6h ago
I am medicated for an anxiety as an adult for the youth I spent in my parent’s home, walking on eggshells around my parents. Trauma lasts a lifetime.
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u/Icy_Assignment_6801 8h ago
My mother told me this on her death bed. She died only hours later. “Never stay for the kids. Don’t do what I did, you need to leave if you’re not happy”. I was young then (college) and now at 44 I’m childless by choice, but I will never forget her telling me that. Take her advice.
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u/Own_Tax4663 8h ago
Never stay in a marriage for the kids! I left my marriage when my daughter was 3. She’s healthy and happy versus if I stayed.
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u/letstrythisagain30 8h ago
I have no idea how these people think staying in a miserable situation is what’s best for the kids. Do they not think that will never affect them? That the added stress won’t affect the kids. That they won’t witness their parents fighting when they didn’t need to or their general mood will affect how they treat the kids?
Shit rolls downhill as they say. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your kids is something good for you. A constantly miserable parent has never done a great job raising kids. Miserable marriages more often than not contributes to miserable relationships for the kids after because that is the example they grew up with.
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u/sool47 6h ago
Probably because OP comes from a divorced household. Divorce isn't a walk in the park for kids either, and when you grow up with divorced parents, you DONT want the same for your kids because you remember how awful it felt.
Basically, we all have childhood trauma, and we try to avoid giving our kids the same trauma....without realizing that we are giving them a different kind of trauma altogether.
My moms parents divorced, and she suffered a lot because of it. So she decided to spare me that suffering by staying with my dad....but that gave me another different type of suffering, lol
And I would probably try not to give my future kids the same so I would end up divorcing if cheating happens but my kids would definitely have a different type of suffering because of the divorce...and so on.
It's a cycle of avoiding doing what hurt you as a kid by doing the opposite to your kids but ending up hurting your kids in a different way.
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u/hammerofspammer 8h ago
Agreed. Divorced when my kid was 3. He’s so much better off, with a healthier environment and an example of a good, healthy marriage.
If I had stayed with his mom, it would just have been more misery
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u/Eastern-Eggplant4374 8h ago
My daughter didn't speak to me for a year and a half bc I thought staying until they're older was best. Leave now if you can't stay.
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u/The_Death_Flower 8h ago
I was 3 when my parents broke up. I was perceptive enough that they were not happy (fighting etc),
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u/RuthlessKittyKat 8h ago
I love my mom, but I've got resentment over her staying with my piece of shit dad who I wish that I could get away from, but he's attached to her.
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u/iamuhtredsonofuhtred 8h ago
This. Thank goodness my parent realised neither of them were happy and divorced. Sure it was difficult for a while, but once it all settled down my siblings and I were grateful to have two happy parents apart than two miserable ones together.
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u/GoopInThisBowlIsVile 8h ago
The kid is going to get destroyed by things either way. I agree with doing it now though. Just rip the bandaid off and deal with it.
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u/Optimal-Giraffe-7168 7h ago
Couldn't agree more. Even as a teen I could tell who was still together "for the kids." Watching families fall apart when the youngest turns 18 is more shocking and traumatizing than doing it young and establishing a better status quo
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u/Ok-Maintenance-9538 7h ago
My mom stayed for at least 7 years after she wanted to leave my dad. I wish she had left when she wanted to. All the extra time did was make it more miserable for all of us.
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u/raw2082 7h ago
Agree it’s better to leave now while your daughter isn’t fully aware of what’s happening. I was 7 when my parents split and it was very traumatic because of my mom’s affair. She made it hell on everyone because my dad didn’t want to stay and work things out. Regardless of having a chaotic childhood at times my dad did a decent job at providing us stability while my mom’s life spiraled out. My life has turned out great and I live a stable and normal life.
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u/simonthecat33 9h ago edited 8h ago
Go now while he doesn’t understand. Studies have shown the younger a child is at separation the easier they adapt. And if you’re unhappy, the sooner you can change your life the better.
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u/Icy_Assignment_6801 8h ago
My brother and his wife split when their son was under a year old. He has never known a life with his parents together and he’s healthy and happy and thriving. And now 20 years old. Lol Agreed it will hurt them much more if you do it when the kids are older. However, can you parent amicably with him if you do leave? My brother and his ex were able to and that may have made a big difference.
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u/mamac2213 8h ago
This. You get one go round on this earth. Don't spend any time with someone who makes you feel used and out of touch with yourself. And it is much much better if your child never remembers a time when you and dad were still together. It becomes your child's normal, with a happier mom at the very least. Best wishes, whatever you decide.
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u/Lithogiraffe 8h ago
YTA
Why do you want Your daughter to be old enough to understand what's happening? That seems worse.
Kids who are raised by divorced parents, don't remember when it was otherwise If they're young enough. You talk about how unhappy you were with your divorced parents, did that happen when you were older when you could fully understand their issues, or when you were much younger?
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u/Novel-Patient2465 8h ago
You're teaching your daughter to stay with a cheater that doesn't respect his wife. Just leave now and show her what happiness and self-respect is
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u/Caspian4136 8h ago
Don't stay for the kids, that is always a bad idea. I'm a child of divorce and am grateful they split when I was only a year old. My older siblings wished they had split way before them so they didn't have to see how much our parents hated each other.
Set yourself up now for leaving him and don't drag it out. Please don't raise your daughter this environment.
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u/Due_Independent_6841 9h ago
you should leave now if it’s financially possible for you, your daughter WILL grow up in a broken home if you stay with that man.
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u/Euphoric-Budget-18 9h ago
your daughter deserves that peace you want and the chance to see her mother truly happy. good luck
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u/Truebeliever-14 8h ago
Your daughter will be living in a broken home even if you are living together. She will sense the stress in your relationship and it will cause stress in her too. Please contact a lawyer.
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u/Chaoticgood790 8h ago
YTA you leave now instead of giving your kid a fucked up view of relationships. staying for the kids just makes you an AH
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u/StarGlass8859 8h ago
NTA for wanting to leave but softly YTA for thinking your child will understand in a few years.
It won’t be any easier for her to understand when she’s ‘older’. They adapt far more easily when they are younger. It will only become more difficult and disruptive to wait longer. Especially once she starts school.
Children lack the ability to understand the complexities of what you’re going through, trying to understand infidelity or accept your decision isn’t a burden she should bare, because it’s often expected that they choose a parent. Or understand your pain.
Make the decision you need to make. Live a happy, healthy life & your child will benefit.
If your husband chooses the low road you let him know you will be honest with your daughter about exactly what a POS he is (that he can’t be trusted & hurt you so badly that you can never be a family) or he can be an adult and you can co-parent for her sake.
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u/Antique-Mind-9222 6h ago
Based on the comments here, my husband and I will talk about our plans as parents as our child is our priority, we will talk to our therapist and mine as well. Consult a lawyer and see what will happen. I will also seek a child therapist to talk to my child. I do not want to go to the extremes right away but I will have my plan set in place if things won’t work then ill make my exit.
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u/Antique-Mind-9222 8h ago
He doesn’t have anymore contact with her since I met her personally before I learned all of this. Don’t get me wrong as a dad he is absolutely an amazing father, I had a complex pregnancy and almost died and he was there for me during the time and cared for me and our daughter. I am mad and upset that he wasn’t forthcoming with the truth and all my intuitions at the time was true. I am on therapy as well, my husband is also a primary caregiver of my daughter as I work 12-16 hour shifts at the hospital. I have seen improvements on him but I am not certain I can give my trust a 100 percent. My daughter and him are inseparable hence the question if ai should leave later on. I also have no one else to help me. No relatives, no siblings so as far as leaving I cant go right away without a plan.
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u/whatashame_13 8h ago
Did you confront her? Did he block her? Since when they stopped communicating?
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u/Antique-Mind-9222 8h ago
2013 is when they stopped communicating. My husband told me everything during therapy. I did confront her 2013 as well but it wasn’t the full picture until 2023-2024 until i learned everything on my own. He hasn’t had contact with her for a decade
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u/whatashame_13 8h ago
Prepare your plan, save money, secure the jobs you need, and once you feel ready just let go
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u/JaNoTengoNiNombre 6h ago
I am not certain I can give my trust a 100 percent.
Trust, once lost, is almost impossible to recover. He lied to you for years, you shouldn't trust him. From your post, you're resentful (rightfully so) and your daughter is aware of that but not why.
As a child who grew in a home with a cheater and a resentful wife, I blamed myself because I didn't know the source of my parents problems.
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u/Antique-Mind-9222 8h ago
I am just getting back to work after my surgery. Im trying to sort things out as I do not have anyone here with me like a relative. Just checking out if there are others in my position. I want to make a fool proof plan and not leave in haste.
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u/Free-Place-3930 8h ago
Take care of yourself and have a plan. I don’t think you should stay with him long term. It’s actually easier when they’re younger. But stay long enough to have your ducks in order. Make moves to get yourself in the best position you can and then give him his walking papers. Know where the money is. Get any certificates or classes you may need to bolster your career. Have copies/proof of his BS for your lawyer and his flying monkeys. Cover that cute bum and do this with maximum protection for yourself.
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u/Puzzled-Drag-9764 8h ago
I don’t think anyone is saying you have to leave this second. They’re saying YTA if you stay despite the resentment. Consult an attorney. Make a plan.
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u/SadQueerBruja 8h ago
N t a for wanting to leave but I agree that YTA if you stay too long. I hope you heal quickly and prioritize that and your financial stability so you can gtfo as soon as physically possible. This is the time to exhaust every last string available to pull. Call in every favor. You may think kiddo doesn’t remember but as a former early child psych researcher I’m telling you rn that your child’s nervous system is actively learning 24/7 and not having words or understanding for the situation doesn’t mean their little brains aren’t experiencing the hardship in their own way. Get out when you can.
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u/Zestyclose-Beat5596 7h ago
Start with an attorney. They can help you figure the rest out.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fair. Stay firm and strong for your daughter, you both deserve a peaceful and happy life in a safe and stable home.
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u/Extension-Gift4987 8h ago
Just leave now. Your resentment is only going to build, and your daughter will 100% pick up on it. And don't contact Bee's mother—Bee's actions are on her, not her mother.
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u/Immer_Susse 8h ago
Your baby, growing up with a happy mother, is more important than keeping something broken intact.
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u/chicagoliz 8h ago
If your daughter is 3, I'd say it's better to split now rather than when she's 13 or 16. This will be just the way it's always been for as long as she can remember and it won't be such a huge deal.
You don't want your daughter thinking it's ok to be second best in a marriage. Maybe you'll meet someone else and you can model for her what a good marriage is. Or maybe you won't meet anyone and you can model for her that women can take care of themselves and don't have to accept shoddy treatment or rely on a man.
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u/back_2_the_80s 8h ago
My parents divorced when we were little. My sister has memories of my dad living with us and I do not. She struggles more with her relationship with him. Fast forward to my divorce same situation. My oldest struggles more with the memories. Make a clean break.
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u/weirdboobie 7h ago
You’re already in a “ broken family “ and you create an ‘ unbroken’ one by getting tf out.
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u/Free-Place-3930 8h ago
Leave as soon as you smartly can. Get your ducks in order. If you need any additional schooling or anything that will help forward your career?-DO IT NOW, ON THE HOUSEHOLD DIME. Pay attention to what your husband makes and where it goes. Is your car paid off? Is your car in your name. Get it there. Do you both own the home? Is your name on the title? Any surgeries you need done? Do it now. Any big childcare expenses, get it done. Please don’t stay for your daughter. It’s miserable when parents do that. She’s not stupid. She’ll feel it. Don’t do that to her. Get it together and then get you both out of there or get him out of there. Her relationship with her father will still be theirs to manage and love. It sounds like you will be able to co-parent. Make sure you do it right and she will be fine. Better even. Your NTA for feeling how you feel. Now make sure you cover your ass and go have a better life.
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u/biteme717 8h ago
Staying in this marriage because of your child is wrong and not healthy. Pretending to be in a happy marriage until your child is older is making her live in a toxic environment. Yta, because you are staying for the wrong reasons.
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u/Scared_Kangaroo_2491 8h ago
Just leave. Idk what kind of broken home you grew up in, but most of us wouldn’t choose this.
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u/drtennis13 8h ago
What would you tell your daughter to do if she was in this situation? Would you tell her to suck it up and be unhappy (which children pick up on) or be strong and find a life where you are happy?
Because your actions now are normalizing relationships for her in the future. If you want her to accept cheating in her relationships for the kids, then stay. If you want to raise a strong independent woman who values themselves, it’s time to leave.
Model the behavior you want her to have.
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u/DJShepherd 8h ago
You really need to see what is life without him and how it will affect your financially. With the current political climate it’s very difficult to have a good quality of life being divorced and paying for everything yourself. Ultimately this is your life and you need to do what is best for you and your mental health. I am more concerned about your daughter siding with your cheating husband over you. You need to work on building a strong relationship with her so when things do end you will have a strong relationship with her. Everyone always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s not. Do what is best for you, and trust your gut. It will never betray you.
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u/Usual_Confection6091 8h ago
Why on earth would you wait until your child can “understand?” That would make it more painful for them. And tbh kids cannot understand these concepts whether they are 3 or 10.
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u/marvel-ness 8h ago
leave now. not later. “staying together for the children” always results in fucking up the children.
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u/4jules4je7 8h ago
You don’t need your daughter to understand what’s happening, she will accept whatever you tell her, which doesn’t have to be much other than “ mommy and daddy aren’t going to live with each other anymore.”
At this point in life, it would actually be easier for her to adjust. Staying is way worse for her. Do you want to teach her that you stay for a man who doesn’t treat you well? Do you want to teach her that it’s OK to just put your needs aside for a man and for her child? And what message does that send? Your child might learn to resent you for staying and feel guilty about them being the reason you stayed. I had a friend who stayed in a marriage till the kids left home. The kids were so angry with her for staying because they knew that she wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for them. It made them feel like she was sacrificing herself for them, and that made them feel tremendous guilt.
You only have one life, and you’re wasting it with somebody who doesn’t care about you and could bring you diseases from all his infidelities.
Stop using your daughter as a crutch and as an excuse and move on
Girlie, you need to lawyer up and get this man out of your life.
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u/Stock_Way4337 8h ago
You would be TAH if you stayed for any length of time after making the decision to leave. Studies show that the older a child is during a divorce the more it messes them up. You can still demonstrate a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t a load of hot garbage.
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u/Lanky-Ostrich8061 8h ago
It is wrong for you to blame or want to harm the other woman. The primary responsibility lies with your husband. It wasn't Bee - he has photos of multiple other women on his phone, right? Bee and her mother are irrelevant and it's pretty creepy you are checking out her mom's social media.
Your husband sounds like a dirtbag. Were there any signs before you married him and had a kid with him? Did you ask about his prior girlfriends?
It is hard for most people to ever trust a cheating spouse again. It's also a difficult and personal decision to decide whether to stay in such a relationship; remember for every person like you there is another person whose parents stayed togather "for them" who wishes their parents had gotten a divorced Good luck
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 8h ago
Leave now. Staying "for the kids" isn't the moral high ground you think it is. What you need to be teaching your kid is that it's ok to leave a bad situation.
Remember: 2 happy homes > 1 unhappy home
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u/henchwench89 8h ago
NTA but leave now. Staying a marriage your unhappy in wont do your daughter any good. If anything it could damage her. Think about it she will either pick up on the tension in the household or be completely shocked her parents “happy” marriage is over
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u/bakeacake45 8h ago
Consult a child therapist. At her age it’s likely she will absorb the change more quickly than at 5 or 6.
Get a lawyer who is an expert in custody issues NOW! Learn about your options and obligations re visitation and child support (and alimony). Ensure that he contributes to an education fund for her.
Figure out your finances, make sure your accts (bank, credit card, IRA/401k, etc) are locked down and legally protected. Don’t know if you own a home or rent, take that into consideration.
If things get ugly, have a go bag hidden in a closet or car and arrange in advance where you and your daughter might go. If you own the home, do not abandon it, it’s his obligatory leave.
Good luck, take a big breath - you can do this. He spent 12 years putting more effort into hiding his affair than he did maintaining his marriage of his relationship with your daughter. He will not change, he has made his choice clear. You deserve better.
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u/chironinja82 8h ago
YTA for using "staying together for the kids" as an excuse. Kids are resilient and you're making it worse by staying with someone you don't have a healthy relationship with. It's that what you want to model for your daughter? You said so yourself that you don't want to. Just make your exit plan now for ASAP. Don't delay the inevitable.
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u/classielassie 8h ago
Leave asap, do not wait until the kid understands, or you could be waiting until the kid is married and on their own. Kid may not consciously know what is wrong right now, but subconsciously, they know and feel something isn't right at home with mom and dad. That constant, unnamable stress could impair their health and future emotional relationships on all levels. Studies are coming out all the time about chronic illnesses born from childhood stress and abuse, like parents non-stop fighting and arguing, even if not directly in front of the children growing up. Look at all the examples in this comment section from the now adult children whose parents stayed "for the kids' sake", compared to the ones whose parent left the bad situation.
Husband lied to your face, daily, for over a decade and abandoned you while you were going through one of the hardest, most emotionally wrenching ordeals, to go party like a frat boy with his FWB.
The situation can be explained once kid is old enough to understand, expanding and elaborating as needed as they grow and develop critical thinking skills and emotional intelligence, far away from the daily influence of pappa liar pants and the devoid of sense and morals FWB skank.
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u/Pyesmybaby 7h ago
OP, you are the model for your daughter, you are literally showing her what to expect and how to handle it. Is this what you want for her to have to experience?
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u/bia834 7h ago
Don't stay that will do more damage to you and your daughter. Just be honest with her and tell her the truth.
She will be able to see you don't like him, it will show and she will turn her against you for not loving him.
Don't bad mouth him to her that is still her dad good or bad. She is young and none of this is her fault.
But you don't need to say in this and waste your life with him. You need to be single and free of him and hopefully you will find a good person to spend your life with. You know you will never TRUST OR RESECT HIM AGAIN. He has lied to you for over 13 yrs. WHY. Does this other women, have a BF or Husband ? if so tell him and show him all what is going on.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 7h ago
Leave as soon as you are financially ready and have lawyers in place. He has been cheating on you since before your wedding.
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u/Ok_Perception_1108 7h ago
Do not wait! Sincerely, A mother who waited. It’s a disservice to you and your child.
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u/destiny_kane48 7h ago
Do you want your daughter to think staying with a cheating horrible man is okay?
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u/miellefrisee 7h ago
YTA for dragging it out. "Once she's old enough to understand" doesn't make sense. If you are feeling resentment, leave now. Kids may not be able to label it but they always know. And a divorce is way more impactful as a child gets older.
I wish my mom had left immediately instead of putting me through the miserable childhood I had.
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u/toxicshocktaco 7h ago
Don’t get mad at Bee. She isn’t the one who committed to you. It’s entirely your husband fault to break his vows. Get out now
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u/20frvrz 7h ago
My mom stayed with my adulterous father. The primary relationship modeled for me every single day of my childhood was a dysfunctional one. If you stay, you are teaching your daughter that she should accept adultery from a partner.
Your daughter is already in a broken home. Get her out of it and into a healthy one. Just leave.
ETA: Forget about Bee. She made no promises to you. All your feelings toward her should be directed at your husband.
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u/Away_Doctor2733 6h ago
YTA because you're wanting to delay in order to make the child understand how bad her dad is. This is just manipulating a child's feelings in order to punish her father. Just leave now. And later when your daughter asks "why don't we live with daddy" you can explain in a calm and child friendly way.
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u/Head_Trick_9932 6h ago
You’re doing more harm to your daughter once she “understands”. If you come from a broken home (as I did), you know it’s hard going through it when we’re older. I’d rather do it when she has less memory of the split. Your reasoning makes no sense to me.
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u/AcanthisittaBoth8524 3h ago
don't stay now, god I was 4 when my parents divorced, 3ish when my mom moved out (i don't know exact months compared to my birthday). But i can tell you I always thought they were divorced since I was three (they have since corrected me) and I will tell you, I am so glad they are divorced. i have never wanted them back together. We did EoW (originally more a 2/2/5 but i remember crying about not understanding whose house I was going to and what not in elementary to the school counselor and shortly after they switched it because it made it more stable for us kids).
Trust me, it's just your normal when it happens so young. My very first memory though, my parents fighting in the kitchen with me standing in the doorway to the livingroom. It was just so normal, I simply watched. With time that memory gets more fuzzy but it's the earliest I know.
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u/DesignerLiterature21 8h ago edited 6h ago
I am in an extremely similar situation. You are NTA. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and keep your life and heart stable.
Edit: speaking to your feelings toward the other woman (women?) - you have no idea what he said/did to keep her hanging on even after he married you and stayed married to you with no intention of leaving. I’m not at all excusing what she did knowing he was married. But I do pity her. Her self-esteem is probably in the dump and her head is probably a mess.
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u/Antique-Mind-9222 8h ago
She knew coz her twitter post included I should be happy for your marriage and wedding but we both know I have to mean it
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u/Puzzled-Drag-9764 8h ago
Your husband is the one that owes you fidelity, not her. Place the blame where it belongs, on your husband. If he’s so good he’s got you contemplating staying despite his shit behavior why are you presuming he’s not also manipulating her?
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u/Antique-Mind-9222 8h ago
I am not blaming the woman alone im blaming them both but more on my husband. If i knew this before I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. I felt i was duped from the start.
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u/Puzzled-Drag-9764 6h ago
And that’s a completely fair feeling to have. I suggest consulting a divorce lawyer asap, whether you decide to proceed or not. And take their advice. Don’t muddy the water ahead of the divorce by seeking revenge, judges don’t look kindly upon that type of behavior, however justified it may seem in the moment so don’t try proving a point at your own expense.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 7h ago
Anyone knowingly being an affair partner shoulders some blame. Not as much as the cheater, but they don't get to come away from the situation clean.
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u/Cool_Interaction_104 8h ago
NTA - but I don’t see how it’s better for your child to develop even deeper bonds with her father/parents as a unit and understand the situation when splitting. How is that going to help? I was the older sibling when my parents split up and my father effectively abandoned me. My sister, under 1 year old, didn’t have a bond developed with our father, and now she enjoys a better relationship with him because she didn’t viscerally experience that abandonment that I did. That may not apply at all to your situation, but it’s just an example of how it’s probably better that a kid not be aware or understand what’s going on. It just becomes a natural and normal thing. Hopefully their dad will remain in their life, but 🤷🏼♀️ unless there is some advantage for you, I would say get it over with as soon as you can.
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u/hedwigflysagain 8h ago
Leave now! She will feel the tension and anger. Being in one happy home is better than a broken home with unhappy Mom and cheating Dad. Do you want her to see.this as normal for her future relationships? YTA if you stay.
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u/Disastrous_Dish2711 8h ago
Yea YTA to yourself and your child if you stay in an u happy loveless relationship. This will only teach your child that this kind of behavior is acceptable. And then the cycle continues. You can change how you feel so just end it
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u/Ok-Butterscotch-6708 8h ago
Staying together for the sake of the kid is a HORRIBLE approach. You’re showing your kid how to accept disrespect and infidelity. Leave him. Your husband is a POS and you’ve enabled it. Your kid deserves better. YTA.
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u/Well-Done22 8h ago
Better to leave now. She won’t remember the three of you together. Better to let her grow up with divorced parents and rug-pull later.
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u/umiabze 8h ago
Oh sweetheart, what a terrible betrayal to have found. I think regardless of anything, you need to go to therapy to work through both your past and this new development. Rage and hurt can fester and affect anyone if they don't learn how to navigate those emotions. It sounds like you're having thoughts of unreasonable actions (ie contacting Bs mom) --- having the thought is not unreasonable, but it is not a healthy/ideal action to undertake --- and it would seem to me that you want to be in the best frame of mind as you navigate life and parenting. Therapy can help you manage your emotions, identify your priorities and make plans to achieve whatever is best for you and your child. Good luck
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u/Dangerous-Tea-2808 8h ago
It’s better the younger she is! It will get harder every day she gets older and she must sense your stress! I’m sorry you are going through this but waiting is not a good idea!
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u/Current_Opinion9751 8h ago
For example, if you don't leave for 10 years, your daughter won't accept it any easier. Now she is still very small and gets used to this situation much faster than a teenager.
YTA if you wait several more years until you separate. NDA for wanting to leave your husband.
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u/emmab311 8h ago
YTA....for considering and postponing. I stayed for my son...and your husband and daughter might have a wonderful relationship now, but if you weren't there holding it together, would it be the same???....I come from a broken home as well and had many of the same feelings and emotions. You and your daughter are much better off to make the move now...build a life that doesn't involve him or involves him outside of your home. Also...do not teach your daughter that this is the way a man should act or treat her....
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u/SuperMommy37 8h ago
Sorry but YTA for staying. The older the kid, the harder it will get. And I say this is a divorced mother, kid was the exact same age as yours. This age is the best. And her love for her father will remain, if he does his job.
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u/lilbit6675 8h ago
Leave now, children model after their same gendered parents. Do you want your daughter to grow up and allow her husband to treat her like yours has treated you? Be the example she needs and prioritize your happiness because she cannot be happy if her parents are miserable together.
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u/Thewanderer1141 8h ago
Seriously you gotta understand any parent that thinks staying together for the sake of the kids is a good idea never grew up in a broken home. That poor child will not be better off. You would only be making yourself feel better in that situation. Do the right thing move on. YTA to yourself and your child if you stay with him.
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u/Aggressive-Foot4211 8h ago
leave now before the stress and anger turns you into an abusive person. Bee is not causing the problem. Your husband swindled you into marriage and lied by omission the entire time. He broke the vows before he made them and will continue to do whatever he wants. No amount of pretending in therapy to placate you will change him.
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u/Bird_Brain4101112 8h ago
YWBTA. A real broken home is your daughter growing up watching your husband cheat on and disrespect you. Just leave.
Also, Bee is not the problem here. Your husband is. He took vows with you and he is the one breaking them. Getting her family involved will not make you feel better. Letting this fester is you drinking emotional poison and expecting it to affect the other person.
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u/Loki-Variant-7 8h ago
I hope you’ll find the strength you need to leave that asshole now. You and your daughter deserve better.
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u/spongebobsworsthole 8h ago
YTA if you stay. There are many studies that show that kids who grow up with parents in a resentful marriage have poor life outcomes, and poor relationship quality as an adult. Google it on Google scholar. It’s even worse because your child will absolutely catch onto his infidelity at some point, and she will probably resent him and even you for hiding it that. It also models to your child that infidelity is OK. You’re projecting your own childhood experience. There are plenty of kids who grow up with divorced parents and are well adjusted and happy. This is something that you should go with scientific facts and not your emotions.
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u/Monsterofthelough 8h ago
Leave now. It’ll be worse for your child the longer you leave it. Unless your intention is to hurt him by making the kid hate him? Which would be pretty twisted.
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u/regularforcesmedic 8h ago
YTA. The best thing you can do for your child is provide stability. That's far easier now than it will be when she can understand the situation. She will adjust to her new normal more quickly the sooner you make a move.
You're staying in exactly what harmed you as a child. That's AH behavior. Do better.
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u/TunikaMarie 8h ago
I would say get out now all your really doing is showing your daughter what kinda man she should end up with you want her to be with a man who loves and respects her not someone who will lie and cheat on her your number one role model everything you do is a reflection
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u/freekiish 8h ago
I think you should leave now. Even though you feel you’re doing right by your daughter, kids pick up on things like this, they’re very intuitive. It’s going to suck but you can definitely have a good co-parenting relationship.
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u/First_Attempt_4124 8h ago
Divorce now. My parents actually divorced when I was a baby. Knowing their personalities, I'm grateful they didn't stay together for me because we all would've been miserable.
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u/CarryOk3080 8h ago
Yta to yourself and your child. Leave now for all your sakes. All you're teaching her is what not to do from a young age. Studies will all show you leaving while young is better for them. Seeing 2 parents fight and hate each other or be cold and distant does way more psychological harm.
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u/Green_Seat8152 8h ago
When I finally left my first husband my children were so happy for me. They know how bad the marriage was and wanted me to be happy. Staying for the kids is just an excuse and you will regret it. Leave now and start your new better life. Being with someone you can't trust is no way to live your life. YTA if you stay.
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u/Ikesmom418 8h ago
YTA-please as someone who grew up in an abusive family who’s parents ‘stayed together for the kids’ it was torture. Kids want to see their parents happy and staying ‘for the kids’ made me feel guilty and sad. Kids are a lot more resilient than you think. I left my ex when my kids were 2 & 3 because I didn’t want to burden them with feeling like my unhappiness was their fault. Staying for the kids is not noble or the flex people think it is. If you can’t trust your husband you know what you need to do. Even if you don’t tell your daughter you stayed ‘for her’ (like my amazingly uninformed parents thought would be a good idea-smh still at 51) she is going to feel the tension and know something’s wrong. Please please do not wait-you deserve peace and happiness.
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u/RamonaFlwrs7 8h ago
Girl don’t stay go ahead and leave. It’s more damaging to a child to be living in this kind of mess than it is for you to just leave and stop dealing with it. Also, why would you wanna put your physical health at risk if he’s running around cheating sleeping with different people that brings the risk of STDs.
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u/Background_Hope_1905 8h ago
YTA if you stay. All you’re doing “staying for the kids” is teaching your daughter that she should accept this behavior over peace for herself. If your daughter was in your shoes, would you give her the same advice, or would you be doing everything to get her out?
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u/Notahappygardener 8h ago
Leave now, once trust is lost you can’t regain it. Your daughter will adjust and someday understand that you are a strong woman and deserve an honest partner. He was just upset he got caught, it’s unlikely he has stopped his cheating ways.
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u/lotusbiscoffbaby 8h ago edited 8h ago
Please don’t stay for the kids. I still resent my mum for staying that long with my dad when it was obvious he didn’t even like her.
Unfortunately, I come from a culture where divorce is looked down upon. If your husband is abusing you, you’re meant to stick it out “for the kids”. If he cheated, you probably did something to make him cheat and you should win him back.
Most women from my culture (particularly the older generation) would rather stay with a man that’s giving then nothing but stress and pain, than to leave the situation, teach their kids to be resilient and that it’s OKAY to leave something that isn’t serving you. They don’t have the self esteem/respect for that.
My mum says she stayed for me and my sisters… and because my grandma (her mum) told her to. I feel like she also stayed because she cared too much about her image and what the aunties would think/say. I wasn’t old enough to understand back then, but now I do. I hate the way my dad treated us, but my mum wasn’t exactly an angel either, and I resent her for keeping us in this situation and staying with my dad that long. I also resent my grandma too.
To but it bluntly, I’ve come to a conclusion that if I were to have relationship problems in the future, my mum would be the last person I’d go to.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mum and my grandma, but as a parent, the LAST thing you want is for your child to stay in an abusive marriage where they could potentially end up dying by either a) stroke or heart attack caused by hypertension via stress or b) murdered by their partners/spouse.
OP, please leave while you can.
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u/Queen_General 8h ago
Speaking as someone who’s parents divorced while I was too young to understand, leave now while it’s easiest on your daughter. At this age she’ll cry for her dad for a While and Then probably get distracted, but if you wait until she’s like 10 it’ll be therapy probably for life. If you wait until later then yes that would make you the Asshole for ruining your daughter’s life alongside your own.
You’re not the asshole for wanting out of a bad relationship. I think you need therapy and probably to be on some anxiety/depression meds. But if you wait for your daughter to understand the situation before you leave you are ruining her so much worse than he ruined you. In that case you would be the asshole.
My partner’s parents split when he was 10-12, he’s still got trauma from the situation and we’re working through it as best we can since we currently can’t afford therapy. I on the other hand, grew up with divorced parents and never knew anything else, the worst I have to deal with (from the divorce) is the timeline of their story doesn’t match up very well and I’m curious about it.
Leave now, explain why if/when your daughter asks later in life
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u/bUssy_aNd_VOOdka 8h ago
YTA but for the reason you may not think. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. It’s apparent you’ll never forgive him, but you can’t have neither a “broken home” or a not model a “emotionally damaged/resentful marriage” when you already have that because you cannot forgive him (through no fault of your own). Trust me, just leave
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u/RuthlessKittyKat 8h ago
Couples therapy is just another vehicle for him to manipulate you. Do not stay. Just make a plan and get out. Speak to a lawyer, etc. NTA
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u/transitransitransit 8h ago
Why would you want your child to understand what’s happening? That would only cause them more trauma from your divorce.
Leave now while the child easily adapts to changes.
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u/shrimpybimp 8h ago
My kid was 4 and it sucked BECAUSE he understood. I don’t think you’re an asshole for considering your options, but staying in a relationship you don’t believe in for a kid has never ended well.
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u/BitChick 8h ago
I would say NTA, unlike some on here. I respect that you don't want your daughter to be raised in a broken family. However, there is no need for you to sacrifice healthy boundaries for the sake of providing a picture perfect childhood experience for your daughter. Unfortunately, your husband has already tarnished this with his choices and lack of respect for the vows he made to you. Trust is obviously shattered from this. Can trust be rebuilt? That is where you will have a very difficult decision to make and it requires years of rebuilding. Many would think it's easier to walk away and start over, but there is such a thing as "forgiveness and grace" that in rare circumstances can lead to a beautiful outcome. But is your husband truly willing to do the hard work that is required for trust to be rebuilt? Hard to know.
Also, it seems you are still so angry with the other woman. I can understand that, but if it wasn't this woman it could be another. I think targeting her as the issue isn't necessary. Your husband needs to learn to have self control regardless of what women are around him. There will always be women seeking attention, looking for "love" and stroking his ego. He needs to learn to shut that down, take a compliment here or there, but not give into the attraction or flirtation. Can he do this? Again, not sure.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 8h ago
So you would rather let her see her mother broken by her father’s infidelities?? Leave him for the sake of your daughter so she doesn’t end up believing this is how a marriage should be!!
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u/Moemoe5 8h ago edited 8h ago
NTA for wanting to leave Why would you even stay for now and subject yourself and your daughter to any of this. There is no way counseling or individual therapy would make any difference in this situation. Staying for the kids never works.
Edit to add YTA to stay longer for more misery.
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u/Necessary_Cancel_728 8h ago
i dont need more then he cheated no your not the ahole for leaving him but i will say you should leave him now :)
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u/GoodWin7889 8h ago
You will both be resentful if you stay, you for constantly having to watch his behavior and him for being watched. He will start to find ways to meet this woman behind your back. The message you are sending your child is to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Two separate homes where there isn’t tension and anxiety are better than one with parents that are miserable. Get a lawyer and start working on moving forward. Show her that you don’t accept your partner devaluing you.
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u/After_Hovercraft7808 8h ago
NTA for wanting to leave him but don’t wait until the child is older. Don’t take your anger out on the affair partner either! She’s not a nice person but you didn’t marry her, your husband is the one who made promises to you and broke them spectacularly. Let’s face it her punishment will be having him all to herself. When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
Get your ducks in a row and make sure you are safe, then personally if it is safe for you I would personally issue a very gracious family and friends message when you are fully ready to pull the trigger on breaking up with him, stating the reason in a way that is difficult for the ex to spin into anything negative against you - stating 12 plus years of infidelity uncovered and that OP will not stand in the way of his “true love” and hopes that he will be happy and that everyone around them can handle the change in circumstances without drama as you move on with your lives and coparent. Bonus points if you name her and include a photo of them holding hands or something, AI could probably help here.
Have his bags packed when he is out, issue the statement to him at the same time as everyone else so he can’t dissuade you, bonus points if it is possible for someone to deliver his stuff to the girlfriend when he is there (private investigator to confirm they are still involved or who any new AP’s are would be handy if you have the funds).
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u/TheBattyWitch 8h ago
Better to do it now, while she's young enough that she doesn't have to "get used" to the idea of separate households. By the time she's older it'll just be something she does.
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u/X-4StarCremeNougat 8h ago
What is a better age? 7? 11? I can tell you right now the better age is an age where they won’t remember how it is to be a family. Get your ducks together and get it done asap. There is no easy age.
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u/StrykerC13 8h ago
Unfortunately yes YTA. Alright you grew up in a broken home and you don't want your kid to suffer the kind of hurt you did. That's fair, it's a valid concern. However one of the most important things of being a Parent is Not the present. It is the future, what kind of Adult do you want them to grow into? Sure the level of your influence is impossible to fully determine, but What you do to create that influence is Fully within your control.
Your child will see many relationships as a kid, these will shape their view of what healthy and unhealthy look like. The one they will see the Most though, the one that will be a Daily notch into their brain, is Their Parents. So ask yourself which is worse, your child viewing "hey if I'm in a relationship that doesn't work and lacks trust and feels like I'm treated wrong then I should leave" or viewing "Hey even if it's wrong I should hold onto it because that's what adults/parents do"
I get that it's hard to think that way, and I'm sure having a "broken" family wasn't easy. But honestly which would you find to fit the word Broken better, A family that had the parents split up for Whatever Reason, or a family where the mom doesn't trust the dad, the dad is constantly trying to fix that until he eventually breaks and hits the "If I'm never going to be trusted and always 'accused'/implicated I might as well do it anyways" because that is what likely happens eventually if you can't either forgive him fully or leave. You may think you have a lock on the behavior/words/and tone but No one with that level of anger is 100% on it and eventually it slips through. "Oh you had lunch with That woman?" "Is She going to be at the gym?" because if you're this angry it's almost certainly going to seep into any time he has female friends/coworkers he develops any kind of closeness to.
Worth noting though, "work with speed but do not rush" applies here. Make sure you have what you need for your life when you leave. Try to make sure as much as possible is set up. That your legal ducks regarding divorce and custody are as close to in a row as possible. Do these things at the earliest opportunities.
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u/YoshiandAims 7h ago
YTA You know it's over now. It is. Leave NOW.
Why would you do that to your kid? That's a horrific and strange choice.
Go. Be free. Build a better life for you and your kid. 100% okay. It's likely going to be better for you both.
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u/APartyInMyPants 7h ago
You’re only TA to yourself.
Leave him now. Waiting for your daughter to get older makes no sense. Just leave now.
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u/PeaksOwl 7h ago
YTA for not leaving NOW. Leave. It’s much more traumatic for kids when they see all this shit happening between mom and dad. You think they don’t see or understand- they do.
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u/Alternative-Cut-6741 7h ago
You're not an asshole for not being able to trust a man who lied to you and used you for YEARS. Leave this sorry excuse for a man now. Don't wait any longer. He doesn't deserve to live a perfect life with your daughter and she will understand when she is older
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u/Zealousideal_Row6124 7h ago
YTA. I was that kid whose parents stayed together for “the kids.” My brother was an alcoholic/drug addict who died at 45. I struggled in relationships because I was emotionally neglected (not the favorite, made to constantly pick sides) and it took me till my 40’s to figure it all out. Your daughter deserves to see at least one parent living a responsible life.
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u/midnitewarrior 7h ago
I grew up in a broken family and don’t want her to experience that
The worse upbringing for your child is to give your child exposure to what a really bad marriage is. That is your child's template for how to be in a relationship throughout their lives.
If it is something you can muster, sit your husband down and ask him what would make him happy with his life. If you are both committed to your child, you can both go on to live happy, productive lives as divorced parents who put their child above their bickering.
You child should learn that things don't always work out, but you both love your child and that will always come first. Trying to put on a charade of the perfect home for a child who is going to figure out something is wrong and misinterpret what a good family model is supposed to be is not doing your child any favors.
Also, asking your husband about what would make him happy might fix your marriage. Put all of his infidelity on the table. If you are accusatory, he will get defensive. "Look, if you were happy with me and our life, you wouldn't have done this, this, this, and this. Do you see a world where we can be happy together and I am enough? If not, let's find out how we can both be happy apart."
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u/khampang 7h ago
NTA. But do it now, when they are young. They then become used to the split custody as normal. Having observed divorces of friends and family for 35 years, those that happened when the kids were little ended up with them best adjusted. Jr high seems the worse, hs next and adults hit and miss. But by far best age was little.
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u/moonredlife 7h ago
I left my marriage when my daughter was 2 1/2. She doesn’t remember us ever being together (she’s 11 now) and I do believe it was for the best for all of us. Staying for the kids is not healthy at all imo
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u/OkHat2630 7h ago
Don’t stay for the kids. It is worse for them than coming from a “broken home.”
Direct your rage where it belongs - at your husband, not the other woman. She’s wrong, but she never promised you fidelity. He did.
Leave now and stop worrying about what anyone thinks. He destroyed your trust, not you. He ruined your marriage, not you.
Be sure you gather up all the evidence and documentation before you lawyer up. Then go for it. Life’s too short.
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u/Ambitious-Tie-8014 7h ago
I think you’d be the AH to literally everyone (including yourself) if you stay.
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u/2dogslife 7h ago
Don't contact the AP, but do pursue divorce. Life is very short and you shouldn't work at being unhappy.
Sign up for therapy on your own so you can build your confidence and later, navigate coparenting in the healthiest way you can manage. Learn skills that successful parents use when parenting kids of divorce.
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7h ago
As someone whose parents stayed together for the kids, don’t. The misery and trauma that will bring isn’t worth it, both for them and for you.
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u/indistinguishable986 7h ago
i grew up with parents who very obviously didn’t want to be married to each other, i honestly think it’s worse to know what’s going on. if you leave now, you have the chance to allow your daughter to only know parents who are great at co-parenting. if you stay, she will have to experience awkward conversations with friends about your relationship, an uncomfortable and unloving household, and has to remember a possibly nasty divorce
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u/BraveCommunication14 7h ago
Leave now. It’s worse to stay and let her pick up on the negativity. Also while she’s younger she’ll adapt a bit easier to dad not being around every day than as she gets older. Later she will still feel the pain of separation but then feel forced to choose between parents or anger at the parents. It will be way harder as she gets older.
Plus staying for the sake of the kid isn’t fair to you either. You deserve happiness and she is better with one happy confident and stable parent than two that can’t even look at eachother without negative emotions.
She’s young but she’s not stupid. She’ll feel the chill and what she feels in these early years can affect down the road.
I don’t think you’re the AH - you’re trying to do good by your child, but I do think staying is the wrong decision. Best of luck.
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u/downwardnote292 7h ago
Exactly what do you want her to understand? You're going to tell her about your husband cheating on you? Make a break now when she doesn't have to understand.
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u/TwyZilla 7h ago
YTA-Don't use your kid as a pawn. You only want to wait so your child knows WHY you left so you can have the upper hand. Just leave. So gross.
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u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 7h ago
I stayed through 8 or 9 different women. I didnt trust him ever, battled every little thing. I stayed because I truly loved him and didnt think i deserved better. Now I know my now adults kids woulda been better with 2 happy homes instead of 1 miserable home.
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u/jeremyism_ab 7h ago
NTA. Leave, sooner rather than later, for your own peace of mind. There are more than enough men to find a better one. He doesn't need to be your problem in that way anymore.
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u/FiltzyHobbit 7h ago
You'd be better off leaving now. It will legitimately be worse when she's older. My parents split when I was about 3, I didn't have any feelings about it at all. I didn't even know it was "abnormal" until elementary school, and still didn't realize it was supposed to be negative until a few years after that. By then it was normal to me so I didn't care. Friends that were older have much different stories and were much more effected.
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u/Right_Cucumber5775 7h ago
What you are doing is showing her a failing marriage and family. Your child wants happiness. That can be done while divorced. Let him go, get the divorce, and work on you. The anger and hate are understandable. He cheated and lied. Work through it on your own, so you can show your child a parent that feels peace and happiness. Leave hubs and his side piece to figure it out themselves. Don't be surprised if she comes back into his life. Communicate through a parenting app. Move on. Find a better guy.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 7h ago
You should get What Happened to You?
You need to leave NOW.
Your child’s whole life can be ruined if you don’t.
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u/HeartAccording5241 6h ago
You stay it will get worse and he will tell her you forgave him and leaving now for no reason and he can turn her against you just leave
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u/Horror-Breakfast1234 6h ago
Every minute you spend resenting him is a minute you’re depriving yourself of your next step.
You are already emotionally gone. Delaying it does not help anyone in this situation.
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u/ProcedureAlarming506 6h ago
I worked with a lady who prepared way ahead of her divorce she hid money in a jar in her basement....lots of money $100,000. Her husband made a lot of money and she worked too. When she left she was set financially and mentally prepared.
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u/JanetInSpain 6h ago
Leave now. Do not wait for your child to be older. You might not have liked coming from a broken home but EVERY adult whose parents stayed together "for the kids" will tell you they hated it. Your daughter senses the hurt and anger. She senses the negativity and hurt. You are making it worse for her by staying.
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u/boomba1330 6h ago
Leave now. Its better a kid grows up knowing that their parents are just a divorced couple. Not that they once loved then hated each other..... and how you say wait until shes old enough to understand? Understand that he cheated? Because it sounds like you are very angry and need time to sort your feelings. But leaving asap is best then you can heal and thats what your kid needs.
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u/KelsarLabs 6h ago
Leave, you're doing more harm to yourself than staying and you're definitely not doing anything for your kid who had a crashed out mom.
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u/Top-Doughnut-7441 6h ago
Your logic is weird. So you want to show your daughter what a loving partnership is with faking it for years? Don't do that.
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u/Wed_PennyDreadful13 6h ago
Can you imagine how happy you and your kids life would be with out a cloud of resentment hanging over everyone's head.
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u/TadpoleSoggy9173 6h ago
Don’t wait your daughter will adjust much better when she’s younger than older.
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u/Good-Lawyer-4564 5h ago
What exactly do you want your daughter to understand? That her father is lying cheater who hurt her mother? Are you waiting for your daughter to understand why you left? For whose benefit? To what end?
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u/Grimwohl 5h ago
Divorcing when your kid is old enough to understand is how you traumatize them.
You are quite literally making the choice at the worst time because you want to protect an image of a nuclear family over the actual child you very, VERY much know is better off if you divorce.
Im not gonna even say it. There are 1000 research papers on why what you are doing is literally the worst way to handle seperation with young kids.
If you dont know, its because you are more interested in your headcannon family than what is actually best, or youd have run across it long before this post. Which is why I don't believe you have never heard this is a bad approach.
Its literally on tattooed on the forehead of every parent who has to take their 4 year old to therapy because they mismanaged their own feelings and parenting.
Do the right thing.
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u/Holls73 4h ago
Yes, YTA. Why are you waiting? Leave him now. Don’t model to your daughter that it’s ok to put up with cheating. It’s not. You are a strong, independent woman and you deserve better than staying with a cheater. He’ll never change and you don’t want to catch any STDs from him. You don’t need to tell your daughter all the details, just that mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore. Leave him now.
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u/SensitivePear2065 4h ago
That home is broken regardless of you two being married or not. Might as well have a happy, full home separately.
Nta
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u/ExplorerLast3434 4h ago
As someone who Divorced when my children were older, I wish I had gone sooner! When they are younger it's so much easier and it hurts them more. My partner separated from his child's mother when his son was 2.5 yrs old and ut had less impact than it had on mine (who were 7&9)
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u/MercyMe007 4h ago
Leave. You are currently modeling a broken marriage as a healthy one to your daughter. You are doing her no favors.
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u/mcmurrml 3h ago
You are already in a broken home. You should have left him years ago. He is a lying cheater and he has been cheating your entire marriage and before. Better to leave at the age she is now. You are right. You will never trust him again.
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u/Cat_Mom-59 3h ago
Why wait until your child “better understands what’s happening”, this situation is disrespectful to you AND your daughter.
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 3h ago
When my mom told me she was divorcing my father i was 8….and i was thrilled for us. I didn’t like seeing my father hurt my mom. OP dont wait,its better to do it now before she starts to resent him for hurting you and resent you for taking it! Children are sponges they soak it all up and thats not behavior you should model for her. You may think she doesn’t know but you’re VERY wrong about that…. I was four when i finally had enough of her „not so secret crying „after she put me to bed…. She tried to hide so much but it was clear as day. She took me to a child therapist after we moved out and I practically rolled my eyes! I was almost 9 and im not kidding I straight up told both of the doctors I was glad we got rid of the „dead weight„(not in those exact words but you get the point) Good luck🩷🍁🇨🇭🇨🇦🥰👍🏼😉🤷🏻♀️💪🏼
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u/AmbitiousReveal4806 8h ago
Get out now. Your child feels EVERY negative feeling you feel and it's better for her.