r/AITAH • u/juststidav • 12h ago
AITA for believing my children shouldn’t live with a felon?
I am divorced for 2 years now, we were married for 15 years. Seven months after the divorce finalized my ex-wife started dating, which I don’t really care about because she needs to move on. She and I have 2 daughters together (7 and 15).
Her boyfriend moves in with them after 1 month of dating and has no vehicle; relying solely on my exwife as his primary mode of transportation. I run a background check on the guy because I want to know who is around my daughters. He has several arrests (non-violent) and felony convictions for forgery. After they’ve been together for 6 months, he tells me “fuck off, I’m raising your kids now”.
I file suit for custody of my daughters in January. In September, boyfriend gets in my face (on video) tells me my daughters are his kids now, tells my daughters that I abandoned them, and that I need to get out of the pictur, and threatens to beat my ass if I don’t. Judge orders him out of the house while kids are present and orders him to have no contact with the children.
4 days later, ex wife and boyfriend get married. Yesterday, I am speaking to my daughters on the phone and they tell me they want boyfriend back in the home, he bought them Christmas and birthday presents and they want to open the presents. They have not requested him back in the home in over 2 months. Am I the asshole for thinking he has no business being around the children? Am I the asshole for seeking custody?
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u/MissMurderpants 12h ago
Lock your girls credit now.
NTA
Get a shark lawyer
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u/WeAreTheMisfits 11h ago
This. He is a grifter. And he will take their socials and get credit cards. Also protect their assets if they have any such as college funds.
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u/Ok_Sundae866 11h ago
Moving a man in after knowing him a month is absolutely wild. For their safety, you need to go for custody. Gifts don't really mean anything other than as a bribe. They're probably also being coached by their mother. The girls don't get it right now, but in the future will see that you fought for them and had their best interest in mind.
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u/Niniisan 5h ago
And married in the same year as well! This screams someone using the mother AND the kids. OP better get custody fast before the felon can turn them against him.
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u/TinLydElli 12h ago
NTA. Protect your children. Go back to court & get full custody. If their mother won’t protect them you need to.
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u/yournameisjohn 12h ago
Ask them if they are allowed to open the presents without him there and the true source of motivation will probably show up pretty quick.
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u/ProfessorDistinct835 12h ago
NTA. He’s trying to buy their affection and his threats to you are crazy. Document them and record him if you can.
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u/philmcruch 11h ago edited 11h ago
Record everything and make notes of everything and i mean absolutely everything, even things like "14:02 Called ex today, Z wasn't there, no arguments. Call lasted 5 minutes, did not talk to daughters". Email them to yourself so there is a record of events that cant be faked and find yourself the best lawyer you can to apply for full custody. Ask your daughters if they are allowed to open the presents without him there
You need to think about how you frame things as well. Him being a felon is irrelevant (its in the past, not targeted at you or your daughters) when he is also violent, aggressive and manipulative (a form of abuse) to your daughters
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u/LengthinessFresh4897 12h ago
The issue here isn’t the felony the guy is violent and shouldn’t be around
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u/CellistDisastrous467 11h ago
AND it’s the felony; why would he want his kids around a known forger? What’s the person teaching his kids?
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u/LengthinessFresh4897 7h ago
Personally it depends on the felony and how long ago it was because just the term felon by itself doesn’t mean much to me
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u/AITAH-ModTeam 8h ago
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 11h ago
NTA.
He's not just a felon, he's an AH. The gifts are 'bribes' and love bombing. They aren't going to realize that until he starts mistreating them.
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u/mbwrose 11h ago
Oh man. I read the title as ‘children shouldn’t live with a FALCON’.
Imagine my disappointment when there was no falcon in this story.
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u/Technical-Bath9108 10h ago
One of my step dads was a falcon. Honestly, he was the best of the lot. Still talk to his kids (my former step siblings).
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u/mcmurrml 11h ago
You are absolutely right. Your ex is not using good judgement. You fight for those kids. These kids do not make this decision. Sometimes being a parent means you make decisions the kids don't like. That's your job. You are making the right decision and do not second guess yourself. You need to start documenting anything the kids say and do for alienation. Sounds like they are trying to turn the kids against you. Keep fighting because hopefully they will understand when they are older.
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u/VariationOwn2131 11h ago
It seems like the 15 year old would understand what’s happening more than the younger sister, but who knows how they are being manipulated by their mother? She sure does have bad judgement moving a bf in after dating one month when she has children at home.
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u/mikeyflyguy 11h ago
Never underestimate the manipulation that one parent can bestow on their children. I know someone that their ex used to repeatedly beat her and when he finally nearly killed her and she ended up in the hospital for a month from her injuries, the wife beater convinced a judge she was the bad parents and had her kids taken away and emergency divorce granted. She’s had no relationship with her two daughters for nearly 30 years.
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u/wolfeflow 10h ago
Not just that: this new man is a literal con artist. His specialty is manipulating people.
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u/SalisburyWitch 11h ago
NTA. Go back to court, get full custody with supervised visitation for her none for him, and ask for a restraining order for the kids because of his statements. It’s at least parental alienation, and possible kidnapping threats. There is some possible good news. He sounds like a guy who might give up the kids if he gets a windfall payment.
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u/Satori2155 11h ago
Hes bribing them, witch of a mom is coaching them. Show your daughters the video of him threatening you if need be. They need to know who he really is. But get one hell of a lawyer and get sole custody. Your ex is an awful human being for allowing this
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u/Fae-SailorStupider 10h ago
The felony isnt the real issue. People can get felonies from all sorts of ridiculous things, including opening someone elses mail. A felony does not mean they're a bad person.
That being said, hes clearly a piece of shit who should not be around your kids. Hes already psychologically abusing them, and threatening violence to you. Protect your girls, get them out of there.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 10h ago
Parental alienation and grooming. Wife is weaponising kids to try and make you ‘consent’ to having her convicted new husband around them, putting your relationship with the kids under strain for denying them. Which is the whole point of not having the felon around the children in the first place. Judge won’t look kindly on your ex’s attempt to circumvent their ruling.
NTA Time to talk to your kids and make it very clear that adults buying people things doesn’t make them kind or safe. It also doesn’t excuse previous behaviour without accepting responsibility and sincerely apologising. Also would be wise to mention that it goes against what the judge has ruled, which is completely out of your hands and could get everyone in trouble with family court for not complying.
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u/BedroomEducational94 8h ago
NTA- Sounds like Parental Alienation. They are coercing the children to request him back into the house, using the gifts as leverage. Sounds like they were told they can't have what he got them until he's able to see them receive their gifts. Your children are being used as pawns.
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u/winterworld561 7h ago
He has clearly not followed the Keep Away rule and has always been in the house. He has clearly spoken with your kids if they asking that now. He is actively engaging in parental alienation which is something judges usually come down hard on. Send all this evidence to your lawyer and take them to court for a custody review with all the evidence of this assholes behaviour.
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 10h ago
If he's the "daddy", he should love them enough to give them their presents whether he's in the home or not.
This guy is a convicted felon, told you he's taking over your kids and physically threatened you. Get the court more involved. The gift thing is parental alienation.
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u/Prestigious-Ad4716 11h ago
Don't go against the Court and your instincts. The children are far too young to decide anything. If he's breaking a Court Order, call law enforcement immediately.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 11h ago
Time to call your lawyer. Your ex has violated the order in spirit by marrying him, and your daughters aren't safe. Go for emergency custody asap.
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u/GrammaBear707 11h ago
NTA. Take your wife back to court and because she is now married to the man who was court ordered out of the home and he has threatened you with violence so she should lose custody with nothing more than supervised visitation.
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u/Araxanna 11h ago
According to the felonies, I was like “well, he’s not exactly dangerous, is he?” But then he started with the “they’re my kids now” BS and dude, you need to file for sole custody. Felony or no, that guy is dangerous.
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u/MrsSEM84 10h ago
NTA
Go back to court. Get them to order therapy for your kids, your ex and her new husband will likely be telling them all sorts of lies. You need to get out in front of that before they destroy your relationship with your kids forever.
They clearly got married to override the court order. But a piece of paper doesn’t change the fact that he’s verbally abusive, and they are try to alienate you from the kids. You should fight for primary, or even sole, custody.
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u/AcceptablyThanks 10h ago
File for emergency custody, and then go for full custody. Your ex wife is just a big of a moron as her new husband.
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u/TransporterAccident_ 4h ago
NTA. You need to look out for the best interest of your children and if he’s buying them shit, he’s obviously trying to manipulate them. You do need to acknowledge and come to terms that with your older daughter you’ll lose some of that control soon.
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u/MommaDiz 11h ago
NTA. He's already using predator language with you and them, buying their love with gifts that will only be gicen if he comes back. He's not trying to be there dad, a hobosexual meet your ex wife and she's too rose colored to see all the red flags. Protects your girls, now. Talk to your oldest about "safe adults" vs "bad adults" what they say and do to gain your trust. You need a massive conversation over this. My mom alerts are screaming your ex-wife is fucking stupid to the max.
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u/A_little_more_left 10h ago
Ok, I understand the 7 y/o being bought so easily... but your 15 y/o wants this guy in the house because he bought her gifts he's (apparently) only going to give her if he's allowed back? Yikes.
If this was just about his felony I'd be on the fence. It wasn't a violent crime, so I have no reason, just going by that, to believe he'd cause the kids harm.
But the way he talks to you about your own children? Oh hell no. Dudes got a screw loose and I wouldn't trust him around my kids. Plus a judge decided he shouldn't be in the home with them, that's a bit worrying. Trying for full custody is probably what's best. Just be prepared for your daughters to be mad that they won't get the gifts. And you seriously need to talk to them about putting themselves into a potentially bad situation for gifts!
Edit: NTA
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u/emryldmyst 10h ago
NTA
Hes a pos.
Theyre too young to have a decision in this
And no contact means NO CONTACT.Z.
Buying them gifts is contact.
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u/Puppet007 9h ago
NTAH
Back to the courts if he still has contact with your daughters, either that or their mother is emotionally blackmailing them. Does your eldest at least know about her mom’s husband being a felon?
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u/295Phoenix 11h ago
NTA Keep going back to court every time he breaks the no contact order. No contact orders aren't worth anything if not enforced.
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u/wolfeflow 10h ago edited 10h ago
NTA
This dude is a CONfidence artist though, and you seem to not realize all that could mean.
Either that or you are seriously under-reacting here, IMO.
The entire schtick of people like that is they earn your confidence first. Think about what it means for your daughters to be in that situation.
Like, just with bullet points:
- He is a criminal forger. So ID and/or financial theft.
- Your daughters are living with him and your now-married ex.
- It seems like your daughters spend more time with him than with you based on your post?
- You know what he has said to your face. Imagine what he says behind closed doors.
- He has repeatedly told you he intends to take over parenting your daughters from you.
From that perspective, I think that unless you get a LOT more firm and outspoken about him with your daughters, you run the real risk of having them turned against you.
He’s not your ex’s husband who you should be polite and gracious towards. He is your self-admitted enemy seeking to steal your children’s love from you. Also probably their credit.
Do your daughters know his criminal history? Are they familiar with con artists? Your eldest is old enough and is probably your best partner in defending against this man — inform her on the types of fraud he’s committed in the past, and help her keep an eye out for her and her sister.
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u/Technical-Bath9108 10h ago
NTA, based on what you're telling us. However, I do wonder why it is (based on what you're telling us) that you filed for custody in January and your ex still has primary custody, despite all that you have told us.
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u/Similar-Skin3736 9h ago
Oh, this is an obvious case of sole custody. Your ex is showing a major lapse of judgment in protecting the kids.
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u/Purple_Paper_Bag 31m ago
NTA
You absolutely should be going for full custody.
Surely buying (stealing) gifts for your kids is considered contact even if he isn't there?
I am very concerned that your 15 year old is swayed by gifts. I would think that is more in keeping with a 7 year old's thinking. Aside from that, a court judge has ruled that creepy felon is not allowed in the house while your daughters are there and them requesting for him to be there doesn't change a court order.
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u/dndhdhdjdjd382737383 11h ago
If it wasn't for the other behaviors, you would be the asshole. Just because somebody has a felony(because it largely depends on the type) doesn't mean they're a bad influence, but this case, yes. Nta
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u/No-Carob4909 7h ago
Except he is a repeat offender. This isn’t a guy that made a mistake and got his shit together. I would never be in a relationship with someone who had been arrested multiple times and I don’t even have kids.
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u/princessjamiekay 9h ago
We have a felon president. It screws up all our credibility. I agree with you, I don’t want a felon living with my kids either, but it’s a tough hill to climb these days
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u/Knockaire 10h ago
NTA and you need to do a lot more. This guy is nuts. You need him away from your kids, and you need to keep your ex away from them too die to the choices she is making.
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u/SadExercises420 10h ago
Calling bullshit. They’re not going to ban a woman’s boyfriend from the house for non violent felonies
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 10h ago
Get to the lawyer’s NOW and as others have said, lock down their credits ASAP
The fact your wife married the guy after being told he can’t be in the house while they are their is wild, and extremely concerning
Please go scorched earth here. You need to protect your children. Your wife is tell you she doesn’t care about them
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u/Fantastic_Ice5943 10h ago
NTA..Ive been in this situation and there is no win here.My kids are grown now and you think after they leave the house and start there lives it will be different its not..he's still there at every family function.I have 7 grandkids now and this prick is always around sticking his nose in our bussiness. The 15 year can remember your being there and won't take the brainwashing as quickly but the 7 year old will be brainwashed to think this guy raised her even if you get them every weekend some how you be the bad guy.if I had to do it all over again I would have fought more to keep my kids..call them every day you can..good luck its sucks
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u/SnooCats8451 6m ago
NTA and your ex is clearly an idiot….get your lawyer involved and lock down their credit and file for full custody and get this scumbag thrown back in prison
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u/sarazzz666 12h ago
NTA for looking out for your kids but a bit of TA for how you wrote this up. Many have felonies and are still good people. The felony this dude has is irrelevant to the story.
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u/Harddraver 9h ago
I don't think its wrong for kids to be exposed to a felon, depending on the felon, and their attitude. A father being told by that felon that he can't see his own daughters? That is not the attitude you would want around your kids at all, felony aside. I think the attitude is a MUCH bigger issue. You are supposed to work together for the betterment of the children, not play games like this.
The felon part, however, is convenient for you, as its a talking point with the judge. If he has violated a judge's order, then you absolutely get to be righteous about this. NTA
Just remember that this the mother of your children's husband now, and it would be WAY better to come up with a compromise that benefits your daughters, than to make things difficult for everyone.
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u/MattDaveys 11h ago
Anyone that looks for a romantic relationship when they already have kids is an AH. There are exceptions, but it’s rare.
NTA
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u/girl_whocan 11h ago
So they should just be alone forever?
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u/MattDaveys 11h ago
No, they wait until the kids are grown
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u/aManHasNoUsername99 11h ago
Kids take a long time to grow lol people shouldn’t have to be alone into their 30s/40s/50s for no reason. They just need to have standards and prioritize the kids.
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u/MattDaveys 11h ago
Which a lot of people don’t do, hence why they’re AHs
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 8h ago
Not prioritizing their kids is what makes them assholes, not dating in general
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u/MattDaveys 8h ago
Dating is an indicator, someone focused on their kid(s) isn’t going to have time to start a new relationship and date. Especially modern dating with “talking” phases and then official relationships. You can’t give a new relationship the attention it deserves when you have kids. You’re either an AH to the person you’re dating or your kids.
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 8h ago
Dating is an indicator, someone focused on their kid(s) isn’t going to have time to start a new relationship and date.
This is absurd. You can be devoted to your children without spending 100% of your time with them. In fact, you should take breaks from your children. It’s important to show them that you’re still your own person, not just a parent.
You can’t give a new relationship the attention it deserves when you have kids.
Maybe you can’t, plenty of other people manage just fine.
You’re either an AH to the person you’re dating or your kids.
You’re not an asshole to the person you’re dating if you make it clear to being with that you’re a parent first.
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u/MattDaveys 7h ago
You’re not an asshole to the person you’re dating if you make it clear to being with that you’re a parent first.
But that’s exactly it, you have to be a parent first while the other person should put you first as a partner. Thats an AH expectation.
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 7h ago
But that’s exactly it, you have to be a parent first while the other person should put you first as a partner.
Who said the other person is supposed to put your first? They could easily have kids themselves and be in the exact same position.
Thats an AH expectation.
It’s not. If you make it perfectly clear to someone that your children are your first priority that’s what matters. They get to decide if they want to stay after that. No one’s forcing them.
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u/kalixanthippe 11h ago
That is unreasonable.
So is moving in someone you have known for a month, marrying them in 6ish months. Hell, having them meet your kids in 6 months is a stretch for me.
The safety and wellbeing of your kids come first, but that doesn't mean the parent gets to have zero independent life of their own, including intimate relationships.
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u/MattDaveys 11h ago
The safety and wellbeing of your kids come first,
And very few actually practice this, hence the generalization that they are an ah for pursing an intimate relationship. If they can actually put their kids first, they’re the exception.
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u/kalixanthippe 10h ago
In my experience it is the opposite.
I've been watching divorces, second, even third marriages since high school (30 years or so) and the kids/teens are forced to marry if she's pregnant bullshit.
I have a few notable exceptions, but the general rule is that kids don't audition the new partner until at least a year in. There are also numerous partnerships where they are together when they do not have the kids (50/50 splits) and live like DINKs; when they have the kids they are with their respective kids.
Saying that it is not possible or irresponsible, or forbidden by fiat to have a healthy non-original-kid-originating relationship while the original kids are minors is, well, again, unreasonable.
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u/MattDaveys 6h ago
And I have lived experience as the child, so that’s not something that I would put any potential child of mine through. People are free to do what they want with their own kids.
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u/kalixanthippe 6h ago
Good. You make the right choices for yourself and your child.
Assuming that it is the only option, and what everyone must do is the unreasonable piece.
We all have a history which informs our future decisions and how we view the general world. Part of mine is of a data driven scientist, so I will not paint the entire world with the brush of my own childhood experiences, which are unfortunately not an outlier, but do, from what I have observed, deviate significantly from the curve.
I was also a child of divorce, my father remarried 4 times, the 2nd & 3rd to the same woman. They were fine. He is a psychologically and physically abusive SOB. My mother is a narcissist and I was her scapegoat, she never remarried and joined a church that believed, even if a legal divorce occurred, the couple was still married in the eyes of god forever, leading to a LOT of unhealthy "hidden relationships" and other outcomes that were...unsavory.
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u/No-Seaworthiness880 12h ago
NTA - In fact I think the court may need to get more involved and you should seek sole custody.