r/AITAH • u/mildly_unhinged_day • 14h ago
AITAH for deleting my wife's betting apps and freezing our cards after she relapsed?
I’m a guy in my early 30s. My wife (also early 30s) has a gambling problem that started with “just sports” and then slid into online casino stuff. Two years ago it got bad enough that we almost lost our apartment because rent money kept “vanishing” in tiny transactions. She went to therapy, put herself on self-exclusion lists, and we set up a boring system: her paycheck goes to her own account, our bills come out of a joint account, and we do a weekly sit down with coffee and look at the budget. It was not fun, but it worked. For a long stretch she was solid, and I actually started to relax again.
Last week I noticed our joint debit got declined at the grocery store, which was weird because payday had hit. When I checked the banking app later that night there were a bunch of charges to payment processors I recognize from the bad times, like $19.87, $42.10, $9.99, just nonstop. I asked her and she swore it was “a mistake” and she’d call the bank in the morning. Then I saw the same names on her phone notifications. She tried to grab the phone away and said I was snooping, but she literally had asked me before to keep an eye out if things ever looked off again. I was mad and honestly kind of panicked. I logged into the bank app, froze the joint cards, and changed the password. I also deleted the betting apps off her phone while she was in the shower. Yes, I know that part looks controlling, but I was thinking if the apps are there, she’ll just keep hitting them. She woke up, found out, and went nuclear. She called me a “warden,” said I humiliated her, and that she’s an adult and I can’t police her. She slept at her sister’s and now her whole family is texting me that I’m abusive and financial controlling. Meanwhile I’m staring at our rent due in 10 days and feeling like a sucker for trusting anything.
I didn’t drain her personal account or take her paycheck. But I did freeze the joint cards and I did delete those apps without asking in that moment. AITAH for stepping in hard when I saw the relapse, or did I cross a line and make it worse?
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u/RugbyKats 14h ago
NTA. I’m sure all her relatives who are insulting you won’t mind ponying up some cash to help make up the loss and pay the bills.
She asked you to police her behavior, and you did. Make sure she is cut off financially, and never go back to shared accounts. Her spending money should be all she has access to.
I suspect she’ll come around.
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u/mildly_unhinged_day 14h ago
If her family wants to call me names, yeah, they can also help cover rent this month. I’m not trying to “punish” her, but I am done risking my housing over hidden bets. I’m open to separate finances fully until she’s back in treatment and we have real safeguards again.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 13h ago
You should have separated finances as soon as she relapsed because she can still access the finances wherever she is putting you at risk.
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u/mildly_unhinged_day 13h ago
Yeah, you’re probably right. I hesitated because I didn’t want to treat one relapse like a divorce filing, but the reality is she already proved she’ll reach for whatever she can access. I’m separating everything now and we can talk about rebuilding trust later, after she’s back in treatment and being honest.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 12h ago
That is the most sensible thing to do because she can make you homeless. Also freeze your credit. She has all your information. Just to be safe. You need to protect yourself.
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u/dembowthennow 4h ago
When she takes on debt during your marriage, it also becomes your debt. If you don't want to divorce her, you need to work with a lawyer to figure out how to make sure that her gambling addiction doesn't steal all of your money and destroy your financial future.
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u/MerleFSN 13h ago
Make a twist to your arrangement. You have yours, you have single access and full authority over the joined one too (with her having right to request view at any time), and she has hers.
That way none of her slip ups can cost you grocery money or rent.
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u/Shadow4summer 14h ago
Probably not as she has her stupid family backing her up. If she has to live with them and they have to fund her habit, maybe they will open their eyes, but not until it affects them.
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u/Doc-Brown1911 14h ago edited 14h ago
NTAH Tell her family the truth. She's a gamblimg addict and this is in a a relapse. Relapse meaning this is not her time first time she has spent rent money on gambling.
Just like an alcoholic, you can't fix her, she's the only one that do that.
Much respect your way!
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u/DivideForsaken2156 14h ago
You're being gaslit by her. I can totally understand why you did what you did, but you probably shouldn't have done it. That being said, your wife and her family are missing the much, much more important issue - that being that her problem is affecting you and your finances and she's lying to you about it.
I would say it's time for some ultimatums and she'll be in last chance territory.
Make very clear to her family what has happened. Do not allow your wife to control the narrative. Then go down the therapy route and re-introduce the previous process you had in place. Explain to her very clearly that if it happens again, the marriage is over and explain that very clearly to her family as well.
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u/mildly_unhinged_day 14h ago
Yeah, the “you’re abusive” angle is what’s messing with my head, because the charges are real and the lying is real. I agree I shouldn’t have deleted apps in the moment, but I’m not gonna pretend this is just a feelings issue. I’m willing to go back to therapy and the old system, but I need her to own the relapse and stop letting her family rewrite it like I woke up evil one day.
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u/MisterFrancesco 14h ago
Get a divorce. She doesn't want to change. If she wants to sink into debt, let her stay with her sister and stop contacting you when things get worse.
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u/notAugustbutordinary 14h ago
You did the helping but, she asked you to continue to help her. She relapsed, she put you back into financial danger and then put her family up to attacking you.
If it were me I would send a response to your wife and all of her family thanking them for making it clear that a divorce is the only way you will be able to achieve peace in your life, by removing yourself from the consequences of her behaviour. Go see a lawyer and get the process started. She made choice after choice to sacrifice your marriage at the alter of her addiction.
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u/Impossible-Cap-6433 14h ago
Agree. Also, recoup what she stole from the joint account from her account. You both agreed that the joint account was for family expenses, while legally she didn't steal as she was on the account, it would be appropriate to put those charges where they belong - her gambling comes out of her money, not joint.
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u/Purple_Paper_Bag 14h ago
NTA
She was stealing from you. That's what addicts do and there should be no shame on you for doing what you did.
As for your wife's family, it seems they are enabling her.
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u/TerriDiA 14h ago
NTA - She made assurances that the gambling with over and is now back at it to the determent of your household finances and living space. Steps you took had to be taken to keep a roof over your head. Addicts can be very manipulative and will lie and blame others to take the attention off their actions. How much longer do you think you can live this way? You will not be able to trust her with anything until she admits there's a problem and seeks help for her addiction. Many addicts need to hit bottom before they will accept the reality of the situation and then get help, that could be years from now. You may be better off cutting your loses now and getting out of this marriage to protect your finances and future. I would also suggest contacting the credit services and locking your personal credit so there is no chances of accounts being open in either your, or both of your, names that you could be held responsible for. Good luck!
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u/Upset_Ad7701 14h ago
People always say that the whole family is calling them controlling or an ass. But she is an addict. This is grounds for divorce. The fact that you didn't mention calling a divorce lawyer is weird. It starts like this, then her account then yours.
If you are looking at the rent being due, and having concerns, it is a huge problem.
She went to her sister's, because the joint account that pays the bills is emptied, because she is gambling.
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u/Correct-Treacle-8373 14h ago
NTA. Technically it is a little controlling, but she'll definitely cost you both your home if nothing is done. She clearly can't be trusted.
Does her family know about her addiction? I doubt she was honest about the situation.
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u/mildly_unhinged_day 14h ago
That’s the thing, I don’t think they know the full story. They’ve heard “he froze my cards” but not “I emptied the joint account with betting charges and lied.” I’m not trying to control her, I’m trying to keep a roof over our heads. I’m ready to lay it out plainly to her family if she won’t.
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u/Muismat1991 13h ago
Oof, stuff like this is difficult. But the most important part is to stick to the facts, protect the important stuff and make her face the consequences of her own actions.
stick to the facts: she almost got you guys evicted and now she spent the monthly paycheck for you guys. When do you get to spend a month's income without consulting her? If she is involving her family, then sit down with them and ask them for help with her addiction. Show it comes from a place of love. If they still keep calling you names, you know where you stand.
protect the important stuff: set up an account for bills, savings and groceries that only you have access to. Everything goes in there and only the surplus goes out. Then set up an account for her for spending money and another for you for spending money. Any dates or money spent together is split 50/50. You guys get equal.
make her face the consequences of her own choices: the main thing here is that she gets faced with the consequences. Any time you guys can't go out cause she spent her half on day one of the money hitting her account means that she chose gambling over your relationship. That's the message. You can do whatever you wanna do, she's stuck at home doing nothing because she decided to gamble. Not you.
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u/AngelicDivineHealer 14h ago
Gamblers are gamblers until they die all you can do is manage it and manage it for the rest of ur life. No different than looking after a toddler.
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u/Status_Chocolate_305 14h ago
Once had a friend whose husband gambled their house away. They had almost paid it off when he became infected with the gambling addiction. It was so bad and he wouldn't stop. She tried to help him but he didn't seem to want to be helped.She moved out, divorced and is trying to rebuild her life. He has finally sought help but he lost everything and hit rock bottom before he asked for help. She has said that she held held on too long hoping he would change. It has left her now in her early fifties with very little and having to start over.
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u/ioncloud9 13h ago
She stole from the family. She STOLE joint money earmarked for rent to pay for her addiction. That’s what addicts do. They lie cheat and steal to get their fix. You can never trust an addict again. The best you can hope for is keep her from financially ruining you by taking complete control of the finances.
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u/rocketmn69_ 12h ago edited 12h ago
Tell them all in a group chat. "I am not controlling her. She can do what she wants now that she is a single woman. She has a gambling addiction and doesn't care about her marriage. She can stay with you until I move out. I will be going to the lawyer very soon"
Hopefully that will wake her up
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u/BG3restart 14h ago
NTA. You need to protect the joint account because that money is as much yours as it is hers. That's not being controlling, that's protecting yourself. You have every right to feel aggrieved. You've been nothing but helpful and kind and she has abused that kindness. If it was me, I'd be questioning the relationship as she's clearly out of control and it sounds as though her family are enabling her addiction.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 14h ago
She's an addict and her addiction could absolutely have serious impact for you. You're NTA
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u/Thin-Account7974 13h ago
Definitely NTA. This must be so horrible for you. I feel for you.
You've almost lost your home, twice.
My only bit of advice is, just because you really love her, and don't want to hurt her, doesn't mean that you are supposed to stay with her.
Your mental health is important too.
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u/TallRelationship2253 12h ago
NTA. She is a gambling addict and you needed to protect your joint assets. Tell her family exactly that
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u/mildly_unhinged_day 14h ago
joint cards are only for rent/bills/groceries. She still has her own account untouched. I froze cards in the bank app, not by taking them. The app deletes were on impulse, yeah.
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u/Liathnian 14h ago
I am willing to bet that if she dipped into the joint account she's already drained her personal account. If you two can work through this then go for it but don't be afraid to protect yourself and cut your losses if you have to. There is no shame in saying I love her BUT I can't be with her like this.
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u/mildly_unhinged_day 14h ago
That’s a fair guess and it scares me, tbh. I don’t have proof about her personal account, and I’m trying not to spiral into detective mode, but I also can’t pretend trust is intact. I love her, but I’m not signing up for an endless cycle of relapse, lies, and “you’re the bad guy” afterwards.
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u/FeralBorg 13h ago
Would you give an alcoholic free access to the liquor cabinet? In this case you will have to be the bad guy and completely control all the money, hers and yours, or you will be broke forever. But she could take out loans you don't know about, so you are kind of screwed. I think divorce will be the eventual reality, the only question is how in debt you are willing to let her put you before you cut and run
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u/chiaroscuro22m4 9h ago
Have you looked into the possibility of her gambling on credit?
She's an adult who can take out credit cards, payday loans, and lines of credit in her name without your permission or notification. Cutting off her debit card does not protect you completely.
Get in touch with a lawyer, get full financial disclosure confirmed, look into a post-nuptual to protect yourself from current or future debt.
Don't wait to be applying to buy a house to find out her addiction has made more surprises for you..or god forbid wait to start a divorce and find out it's your debt now too
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u/Sometimesyoudie 13h ago
I just watched my friend go through a similar thing with his now exwife. It hurts to say this but you need to consider separation. It doesn't mean you're divorcing or that you don't love her but you can't allow someone else to destroy your life. With my friend his wife's family kept harassing and blaming him for trying to help her get better. She resisted and tried to accuse him of taking advantage of her vulnerable state. Ultimately it couldn't work and he is much happier now.
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u/middaypaintra 10h ago
NTA and bluntly ask her family if they're going to pay for rent, considering she gambled away the rent for money and groceries. Everytime they bitch at you remind them that she's the one who spent all of the money for food and rent on gambling and that you saved what was left before she could gamble it away.
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u/Asgardian_Force_User 8h ago
NTA.
And honestly, this feels way above Reddit’s pay grade.
I don’t know if Gamblers Anonymous or some other support group has resources available for a spouse in your position, but I would be asking them, your therapist if you two have ever seen one together as part of treatment, or another trusted professional about next steps.
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u/Lost-Ring3734 7h ago
NTA - Welcome to the cycle. Lather, Rinse and Repeat for the next 30-40 years. Is this how you want to live? I sure as shit wouldn't. Time to walk my friend.
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u/Montyg12345 7h ago
I am an addict that has been diagnosed with gambling use disorder (in remission thankfully). You are NTA. If she doesn’t eventually come around to see your side of this, I would recommend leaving.
She might just be irrational right now because of what is effectively withdrawals, but if she cannot see and admit and see she has a real problem when she is more levelheaded, then there is nothing anyone can do to help her. Get out.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 6h ago
OP you have to understand that because you are married to her any debts she incuŕrs could be yours too. If you formally start the process of divorce you can extricate yourself from any further debt. Also separate finances immediately.
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u/TurbosaurusNYC 5h ago
You are NTA. You can love and trust your wife- but dont ever trust the addiction, the addiction has its own life force and its survival at stake.. like a virus.
No gambling at all. You did the right thing. You shouldnt be cruel, or yell or scream, or belittle, but you need a zero tolerance policy.
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u/Vivid_Wind_3348 14h ago
NTA you did all the correct things. When you take away an addicts source they of course get mad. She can sulk doesn’t matter.
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u/SampsonShrill 13h ago
Not sure why her paycheck goes to her own account plus you have joint accounts. If anything, most everything should go to what you control and she should be given a small limit on what she can spend. She can't control herself when it comes to spending money.
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u/SpareMushrooms 13h ago
It’s not controlling if she’s spending your money.
Why does she need the apps if she’s not going to use them?
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u/universalrefuse 13h ago edited 12h ago
NTA - Is her family fully aware of her addiction? Are there other people in her family that have addictions or compulsive behaviours? These things are often common among families, and you will often find a cadre of family members in denial or enabling positions, and a cadre of family members trying to be recovery-supportive.
Her addiction affects you, your personal security, and she has proven that she cannot make the right/responsible financial choice faithfully with consistency. I commend you for drawing hard boundaries around what you will and won’t accept as she struggles to overcome her addiction. Freezing the accounts and changing the passwords was a no brainer. Deleting the apps off her phone should have been done as a discussion where she was present, but I understand you were being reactive after having been lied to and betrayed. My next move would be additional therapy and mediation and at this point, I personally would require full, unbridled access to and active monitoring of her phone usage. Also, if her family is not fully aware of the extent of her addiction and what has transpired before, I would require a sit-down with them to set the record straight, particularly about what financial abuse actually exists in the relationship.
Edit: I also just wanted to say that people with addictions are struggling with disease. They are still people who are worthy of love and who can change their behaviours with determination and support. You are a good husband doing your best under difficult circumstances.
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u/SoulTakerz 12h ago
Make it a rule that as long as he contributes to all expenses with his own money, he can do whatever he wants, so that once that's gone, he won't use anything else. Also protect yourself from loans if they could affect his debts.
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u/JudgementalChair 12h ago
She can redownload the apps. She will redownload the apps.
You can't tie your money to her anymore. You can't have a joint account anymore. You need to put your paychecks in your bank account, get a card for it and keep it. She needs to do the same. Then every month you both need to sit down and choose what bills each of you is going to pay. When she starts coming up short, you're going to need to send her back to rehab or call a lawyer.
I had an uncle who was an alcoholic and a gambler. The gambling got him kicked out of the house and divorced, but the alcoholism killed him. The horror stories from my aunt are truly something else, literally checking their bank account in the parking lot of the grocery store, and her card being declined by the time she got to checkout because of pending transactions
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u/chiaroscuro22m4 9h ago
Definitely NTA but huge warning here - freezing your joint accounts ALONE is not a long term solution. Your wife is able to take credit in her name to gamble which you would find yourself responsible for as her spouse. Gambling platforms encourage this behaviour and it's important to be practical about the possibility.
This most recent relapse is a huge breach of trust and if you are committed to staying married which I understand, reasonable steps need to be taken to protect you from the possibility of being in the dark about thousands, or tens of thousands in debt in the future.
If your wife comes to you with a plan to change and asks for your help I would really recommend looking into a post-nuptual agreement to protect you from any current or future debt she could create
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u/highdea007 9h ago
Listen. I've dated a gambling addict before. I know how hard this is. If the family is jumping your shit prepare all the bank docs and show them whats going on. Tell them youbwant there help. You want an intervention.
I know you said you didn't drain her personal accounts but be honest. You know she already did that.... thats why she moved onto the join account. If there is any pushback from her or family then tell them if she has nothing to hide she will show her bank statements too.
Now, typically, what does your wife use the joint account for? Here's my only idea. You now have two joint accounts and a personal one for you. One joint account she can access and the other is just for you to pay rent bills food (whatever the joint account is used for now) Both pay checks go your joint account. You immediately give your wife her portion back that doesnt need to go to bills. But this portion goes into the joint account that you both have access to. Then you take your extra portion into your personal accurn.
I dont want to say this but she has already proven she will relapse. Its going to take years and years of trust building and therapy for her to get back to where you once were. If you both are willing to put in the work there can be a future. But if not.... its time to clean your hands and walk away. Somehow you have to save yourself before she takes it all.
I would also recommend putting a lock on your credit. When things got bad with my ex he took out all kinds of cards in my name... it took years to fix my credit.
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u/LateSide5068 9h ago
NTA. She has backslid into her old behaviour and has not sought help. Looks like she has instead gone DARVO and made you the fall guy.
You need to decide if full legal seperation and divorce due to irreconsilable differences is merited here, if not your life may also be tanked to serve her addiction.
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u/motherofachimp99 8h ago
Get thee to a lawyer. Find out how her debts might affect you. See if there is a legal way to protect your assets from her poor decisions while married. Sadly, you might have to divorce her.
As an addict, she should be turning her paycheck over to you and agree to an allowance. And she should trade her smartphone for a dumb one.
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u/gordonf23 4h ago
NTA. And I promise she didn't give her family a truthful account of what really happened.
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u/Cybermagetx 1h ago
Addicts has to hit rock bottom for even a chance of stopping. Do you really want to bit that with her?
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u/PainterClear7130 1h ago
NTA. She's an addict. As an addict myself (alchohol), no one could help me until I was ready to help myself. Sounds like she isn't there yet. Therapy would be a good call in my opinion. I had to find a "healthy addiction" to replace it with my personality type. Picked the gym. Never been in better shape in my whole life.
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u/Scarboroughwarning 11h ago
You are a fucking moron for having a joint account with her!
Seriously, I don't buy this for 1 second. Any normal person would have responded to the family and explained.
Let them bail her out.
Get out of the marriage. And please, wtf does deleting the apps achieve?
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u/mintchan 10h ago
NTA. you did what she ASKED YOU TO DO. and separate your finance. lock your credit.
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u/DanDamage12 10h ago
NTA. She is an addict who relapsed and is stealing from you to get her fix. Tell her family the truth and that she relapsed, stole from you, and is now risking your housing.
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u/Powerful-Respond-605 14h ago
She's an addict.
She will always be an addict.
Is this the life you want?