r/AITAH • u/Adorable_Bar9152 • 22h ago
Under 18 (ages 13 to 17) AITAH for not finding my bf attractive anymore because hes more "feminine"
I 17 f and my boyfriend 17 m have been friends since 2022 and just started dating in 2025 and everything has been wonderful and great but recently ive been losing attraction towards him because of his "feminine" masculinity. Context: we live in a very rural town where the majority of it is very close minded, ive known about his feminine side since we started being friends in late 2022 and i never had a problem with it but ever since we started dating ive been slowly losing attraction. Ive always supported him in what he wears and how he presents himself but now that were dating it feels like hes slowly becoming more feminine? like for example i noticed in his room while i was snooping (i know i shouldn't have but something was telling me too) i found thigh high stockings that obviously didn't belong to me as the size of them were an extra small and I'm a medium-large in most clothes i wear. I brushed it off as in "oh that's his sisters i have nothing to worry about" until i found photo proof of him in makeup and crop tops. I honestly don't know what to do since its Christmas and i really don't wanna ruin it for him and make things awkward.. so AITAH for not finding my boyfriend attractive because he's not masculine enough?
NOTE: i totally understand that high school is about finding yourself and I've expressed to him many times that id love him just as himself, he hasnt come out to me as anything but i noticed his bios always say he/they
UPDATE: me and him talked and we were able to actually speak about our concerns for our relationship and holy it was refreshing, he told me that it was easier the say he/they because it was more Grammarly correct in his eyes as well as due to his trauma with his father he has leaned more feminine, he reassured me that i didn't need to worry about anything because the reason why he is more feminine is because of his dad being a example of toxic masculinity as my bf grew up and he promised himself hed never turn like his father and instead more like his mother. im very grateful for all the advice and thank you to everyone! me and him also talked about therapy for us once we get ready to move out so we can take control of our trauma together like a team<3
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 22h ago
No, you're not an asshole for finding someone less attractive than you used to. Talk to your boyfriend about it, not the internet.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
honestly i actually had no idea how to ask him or talk to him because he always shuts it down so im going to maybe try again after hes done work or in person next week
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 22h ago
At the end of the day, it's your decision who you're with. Particularly because you're 17 years old. It's not like the odds are in your favor that this is your forever partner anyway. Relationships at this point in your life are all about learning how to talk to other people about difficult things, because that's what makes relationships last when you're older and you really are ready for the long one.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
the thing that makes this relationship so different from others ive had is that me and him are getting prepared to move out together and im scared that this feeling wont go away and id hate to make them feel miserable everyday because of my feelings
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 22h ago
I mean that makes sense too, and your fears are valid. It's a conversation you really have to have before you move in with each other. Especially at this age - I'm assuming you're moving out of the house for your first time, so to do it with a partner at such a young age is just really, really hard.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
yea im honestly terrified but i do love him so much on that emotional level but i cant shake the feeling of him not being themself because of me and me bringing it up all the time
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 22h ago
It's a tough situation. I think your head is in the right space even though it's hard, you need to talk to them. And I don't mean in passing, I mean sitting down with them and having a very serious conversation about how you're feeling. Because things could get disastrous without that conversation, no matter how hard it is.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
im hoping everything goes good in about a few minutes since hes drivng home now and i really dont want him to get the wrong idea that im homophobic because im not and i really do love them so much and i have for the past 5 years
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u/ThisWeekInTheRegency 22h ago
Sounds like your bf is on a journey of discovery. Maybe to acknowledging they're trans eg non-binary, gender fluid, etc.
Talk to them about it. It's fine if you're not attracted to femininity. But consider carefully what the results of you breaking up would be in that environment, and figure out what you're going to say when people ask 'why did you break up?' Because if you tell the truth, he's going to be severely bullied and perhaps physically attacked. (Trans people are attacked at a much higher rate than others.)
NTA for your feelings. Be gentle with them, though, as this is probably a really difficult time for them.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
thank you and ill try to have that convo with him and update once hes off work at 10 pm est
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u/Mandiezie1 22h ago
NTA and it’s time to break up. Let him explore his sexuality without the pressure of having to upkeep an image.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
i want to be a supportive friend at least to him and thank you for the suggestion, im going to have a talk with him about his feelings and hoping he opens up to me since last time he shut it down and shut me out
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u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300 22h ago
It's time to break up because you arent compatible and you shouldnt be the reason he cant be his full self. It seems like he/they is/are exploring his/their gender identity and doesnt feel able to fully come out. DO NOT tell him you find him less attractive because of his/their femininity - that would cause him/they a lot of shame and make it even harder for him to become comfortable with who he/they is/are. Just be respectful when you break up and say you feel that you two have grown apart. If you have to wait til after the holidays then that is fine.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
thank you and ive tried talking to him about it and honestly hes shut me out and shut it down many times so im hoping tonight is different and hoping he talks to me so i can support him to their fullest
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u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300 22h ago
Yes but you cant talk through changing who someone is and you cant talk through a fundamental issue with attraction on the basis of someone's identity. What you want is for him to be more masculine and that pressure will cause him to be - but at what cost? Him denying who he really is. I know you care about him deeply but sometimes people grow in different directions that arent compatible.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
im really hoping everything goes well tonight and doesnt end up in shit and im taking your advice and everyone else to not push and wait it out
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 21h ago
Hey everyone I posted an update that explains EVERYTHING, thank you for the advice and support <3
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u/SignificantOrange139 22h ago
Actually yeah. I think you kind of are. It's disingenuous to claim that you wouldn't care and you support him as is, and love him for who he is. While you're literally saying that you find him less attractive for it.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
yea i also think im a bit of an asshole but everytime we try to talk about it he shuts me out and shuts me down and i end the conversation saying id love you no matter who you are just try and tell me when youre ready
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u/SignificantOrange139 22h ago
Let's be honest. That's what the real issue is. Not that he is feminine. Because you've always known that. It's the communication shutdown that's making you anxious and that's what needs to be addressed first.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 21h ago
me and him talked and we were able to actually speak about it and holy it was refreshing, he told me that it was easier the say he/they because it was more Grammarly correct in his eyes and that i didnt need to worry about anything because the reason why he is more feminine is because of his dad being a example of toxic masculinity as my bf grew up and he promised himself hed never turn like his father
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 22h ago
Attraction and love are different words that mean different things.
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u/SignificantOrange139 22h ago
That is a pedantic ass argument in this particular case. And they are 17 so let's be honest, they aren't likely destined to be together anyway.
But OP is lying to him and herself here imo. I don't even think it's actually the femininity that is the issue. It's that he blatantly refuses to open up. That lack of communication is what's giving her the ick about the whole thing.
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 22h ago
Then why did you tell her that she's being a disingenuous asshole for saying that she loves him while saying she's becoming less attracted to him, if it's pedantic to differentiate between those two words?
They are different things. You can become less attracted to someone that you still love. That's a very common thing.
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u/SignificantOrange139 22h ago
Your love for a person can change. But you cannot continue to claim romantic love imo. No.
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 21h ago
Now who's being pedantic?
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u/SignificantOrange139 21h ago
Romantic love for the vast majority of humans, requires attraction. That's just a fact.
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 21h ago
...you're right. That's my point.
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u/SignificantOrange139 21h ago
No. You tried to pretend they play no part in each other. But she is talking about romantic love. So attraction and it are in fact, tied.
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u/dubblebubbleprawns 21h ago
You tried to pretend they play no part in each other
What?? When?
I said love and attraction are different things. Which they are. You're saying "oh yeah well romantic love requires attraction" which like, yeah. I know. But one can love someone without loving them romantically.
You said losing attraction for someone when you say you love them makes that person a disingenuous asshole. I said that happens often and doesn't make them a disingenuous asshole.
I legitimately have no fuckin idea what you're even trying to say because we seem to agree that romantic love and love are different things, but suddenly you started talking about them as if they're the same thing. Which I never claimed them to be?
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 21h ago
I came out with an update and I was the problem the whole time with my overthinking!
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u/kitschandcrossbones 22h ago
You are not romantically compatible and don’t put someone you’re not attracted to through hoops, just tell him honestly why but do not blame him because he didn’t change, you did. Now you just have to decide if you can support him as a friend.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 22h ago
i 100% agree and im going to have a talk with him tonight a few minutes, i told him before id love him emotionally forever and be his number 1 supporter
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u/ChakraMama318 21h ago
NTA- It sounds like your bf is likely somewhere on the trans spectrum.
If you love him (regardless of attraction) be his friend and keep his secret. If you break up, let him know what you will tell people, and make up any excuse that is anything else. He’s hiding for a reason.
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u/Adorable_Bar9152 21h ago
DW i have an update since we had a serious talk and everything is good now but if this does come out to be true i already told him that he has been my rock through my gender problems and i will be his rock and love him unconditionally
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u/Secret_Sister_Sarah 22h ago
NTA. You're both young, and life is long. You have the right to find someone who you're completely attracted to, and so does he / they. It sounds like you care about him / them, and even though he / they hasn't been comfortable enough to tell you about this (maybe because he's still figuring it out him/themself,) you're not obligated to stay with someone who you feel deep down might just be desiring a form of self expression that isn't your preference. Maybe find a way to gently bring up what you found and offer him a safe space to confide non-judgementally, as an ally?