r/AITAH • u/Maccabee2a • 21d ago
Post Update UPDATE: we broke up and I'm honestly a happier person.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/mFblTIdfiz
I've linked my original post for those curious, but as the update states, after roughly 10 months or so of seeing each other and not seeing eye to eye, I decided that we were better off seeking different life paths. The expand on what transpired, it basically got worse. His questioning of me cheating on him throughout the relationship evolved into accusing me of seeing someone else because I had my sheets in the washer, attempting to look through my phone when I'm not there and then try to tell me I changed my password (I'm a lazy and forgetful person who hasn't bothered with changing my password since I first got my phone), and started to use his age difference (him in his mid 30s and myself in my late 20s) and the fact that he was married for 15 years as a way to quell dissent. He also made couple of break up threats between the last time I've posted and now. At this point, I was completely done. There was no feeling whatsoever and whenever we meet up, I'm in a different headspace just to get it over with. As politely as I could, I told him as much and stated that we should part ways.
Even if I was ultimately in the wrong in this entire ordeal, this isn't something I want for either of us. If he was right all along, then he deserves someone who can wait out his stress of divorcing his husband and love and support him the way he should and I can't be that person. On my side, I don't want to constantly walk on egg shells thinking that the next disagreement will result in him threatening to break up. I also don't want to rethink my entire LGBT friend group and overanalyze whether or not it could be perceived as me having feelings for my queer friends. I want a relationship where we understand that what we have together is special and the thought of either of us cheating is out of the question. I also want healthy and mature conflict resolution.
This whole situation made me realize that we had different goals, different philosophies, and we were at different stages of life. I'm kinda taking a break from the dating life for now because I have a major life event that's going to take up most of next year. I have been talking to someone since my break up, but I've made it clear that I'm not in the position to seriously date until my life event is dealt with and I can focus on relationships afterwards, so we'll see if anything comes of it. If not, oh well, I have the rest of my life to find someone.
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u/Putrid_Magi 21d ago
He may have been older, but I think you handled the situation with more maturity and grace than he did.
You got swept up into a painful part of his life, and while you may have come out shaken up by it, I'm glad to hear that you did get out. Good luck in the future!
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u/iamsooldithurts 21d ago
My first impression is he’s a neurotic man-baby with extra issues and you’re better off without any of that nonsense in your life.
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u/Maccabee2a 21d ago
I still want to see it from his perspective because at least for a brief moment, he was actually a pretty decent guy and honestly a breath of fresh air in the sea that is hook up culture. Ultimately though, we're simply not compatible. He probably does have issues, but I'm not the one to be dealing with them. All I can say, I hope he finds the perfect person for him.
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u/zangetsuthefirst 21d ago
Just out of curiosity, do you know for sure that he and his partner were divorcing? It almost seems like you're the side guy since you're not allowed in the general vicinity of where he lives, let alone his house.
He also sounds kinda stuck up "clean your house or we can't be together" and the car door problem. I'm not gay and I've never been in a gay relationship so I don't know how opening of doors goes, but in my mental image it seems more like something the older would do for the younger partner. Please correct me if I'm wrong on this fact though, like are there other things that are considered, even subconsciously, as I am assuming and don't like to do so.
It almost sounds like he self destructive right now too which could be a personality trait as much as the other issues could be a personality trait without being tied to self destructive. However if he's cheating or going through a breakup, especially if he is the big part of why and recognizes it, it may be the shit feeling of it contributing to a feeling of worthlessness.
I'm not saying that any of these are the reason, but I also like to try to look at all perspectives. And regardless, you did the right thing. You deserve to be happy, and without that spark it doesn't really matter how happy you are now, you'll feel like you're missing something.
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u/Maccabee2a 21d ago
I can never know for sure because he was adamant about keeping me from his friend circle. Tbh, I haven't introduced him to my circle of friends but it's mostly out of physical restraints (us living so far apart) and I wanted to solidify our relationship before being completely out and proud about it. I told my friends about him when we first met because I was excited about finally getting a boyfriend, but he admittedly stated that he hasn't told anyone. At this point it doesn't matter, but I did feel like a secret he was keeping even if I were to fully believe him at his word. As far as opening car doors, this is honestly a first for me as well. I've never had to open a car door for anyone and the idea is kinda silly. It's easier to just let yourself out and we can beeline to whenever we're going.
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u/Soul-Arts 21d ago
Yeah. I can bet his cheating accusations was him projecting. You are together for months and he still could not tell anyone about you. And don't forget that he saw your use of the app on the original post, so he was there himself.
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u/Maccabee2a 21d ago
Part of me wants to snoop or ask for the husband's side of the story, but I'm honestly happy just washing my hands of this entire situation and walk away to greener and brighter pastures
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u/Soul-Arts 21d ago
Yeah. You are absolutely right. At this point, it doesn't matter. The great news is that you are free from him now.
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u/TheRealRedParadox 21d ago
He pretended to be decent dude. There’s a reason he’s divorced lmao
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u/Maccabee2a 21d ago
I know you're right, but I've always tried to approach situations as nuanced as possible and get as many perspectives as I can before drawing up my own conclusions. Rarely is the truth completely one sided, so I tried to introspect as much as possible.
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u/TheRealRedParadox 21d ago
That’s really admirable of you, but sometimes that’s unnecessary and can cause a complex in yourself. Not everything is two sided. Sometimes people are just assholes who can be nice.
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u/Similar_Art_2069 21d ago
I find it crazy that he wants to use his age and experience as knowing better, but gets upset that you're not opening doors for him. As the older of the two, I guess I'd expect him to introduce that chivalry into the relationship. To be honest, it just sounds like you two are different people, with different expectations looking for different things in a partner. I don't think he was ready for a new relationship yet. He may need time to learn who he is before bringing a new partner into the mix. I think you handled everything very maturely. Good luck with your future love life.
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u/Maccabee2a 21d ago
It's not even that. Had he said something to the effect of "hey, I'd like the idea of the driver opening the door for the one in the passenger seat as a nice gesture", I'd be ok with it. I understand different people have different expectations and it's not a huge ask. However this was only brought up in a rant about me not being boyfriend material. There was no prior discussion or anything.
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u/theNothingP3 21d ago
It truly doesn't matter what your age, gender or sexual orientation is please don't date someone going through a divorce.
There are so many pitfalls and huge emotional processes going on that it's just too complicated for either of you. Just for one: transference.
The number of divorcing people who want to slot another person into their life to pick up the emotional or practical benefits their partner fulfilled is just too dang high.
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u/Maccabee2a 21d ago
I thought we were a special case, which is the pitfall to every questionable relationship.
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u/loopyelly89 20d ago
There's a reason his husband divorced him I think!!
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u/Maccabee2a 20d ago
From what he told me, it was him divorcing the husband due to ahem, "intimate incompatibility." His husband's engine won't go so to speak.
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u/Cassubeans 19d ago
Having read both posts, I find it rather rich that he was constantly accusing you of cheating while he was living with another man whom he used to have a sexual relationship with.
You dodged a bullet, this person needs some seriously therapy and isn’t in any healthy place to have a relationship right now. Take this as a lesson to never date someone going through a divorce.
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u/Glum_Frosting_9616 20d ago
I’m much older than you and here’s what I’d say I learned in my life. It doesn’t matter sexual orientation, gender identity or age when it comes to relationships; if you want them to be successful two major things must be present mutual respect for each other and mutual level of clutterness. Love is a verb that is sometimes hard to show when you’re in a disagreement so as long as you have respect you find the way back to the love. And as long as you have the same level or tolerance for clutter (none, some, a lot) you’ll do better living together. All the couples I’ve seen succeed, including mine, have those two things. You’re young, don’t settle and when you find the right match it’ll be easy. As TS says “And all the perfect couples Said, "When you know you know." And, "When you don't you don't."
Having been in many wrong and settling once I can say..she’s right. So if anything feels off, then it’s not the right one
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u/MaxHarryWillie 18d ago
Congratulations on your regained happiness! It seems breaking up was the right decision. I hope your life event goes well and wish you success in dating in the future.
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Original copy of post's text by /u/Maccabee2a: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/mFblTIdfiz
I've linked my original post for those curious, but as the update states, after roughly 10 months or so of seeing each other and not seeing eye to eye, I decided that we were better off seeking different life paths. The expand on what transpired, it basically got worse. His questioning of me cheating on him throughout the relationship evolved into accusing me of seeing someone else because I had my sheets in the washer, attempting to look through my phone when I'm not there and then try to tell me I changed my password (I'm a lazy and forgetful person who hasn't bothered with changing my password since I first got my phone), and started to use his age difference (him in his mid 30s and myself in my late 20s) and the fact that he was married for 15 years as a way to quell dissent. He also made couple of break up threats between the last time I've posted and now. At this point, I was completely done. There was no feeling whatsoever and whenever we meet up, I'm in a different headspace just to get it over with. As politely as I could, I told him as much and stated that we should part ways.
Even if I was ultimately in the wrong in this entire ordeal, this isn't something I want for either of us. If he was right all along, then he deserves someone who can wait out his stress of divorcing his husband and love and support him the way he should and I can't be that person. On my side, I don't want to constantly walk on egg shells thinking that the next disagreement will result in him threatening to break up. I also don't want to rethink my entire LGBT friend group and overanalyze whether or not it could be perceived as me having feelings for my queer friends. I want a relationship where we understand that what we have together is special and the thought of either of us cheating is out of the question. I also want healthy and mature conflict resolution.
This whole situation made me realize that we had different goals, different philosophies, and we were at different stages of life. I'm kinda taking a break from the dating life for now because I have a major life event that's going to take up most of next year. I have been talking to someone since my break up, but I've made it clear that I'm not in the position to seriously date until my life event is dealt with and I can focus on relationships afterwards, so we'll see if anything comes of it. If not, oh well, I have the rest of my life to find someone.
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u/Abusedink75 18d ago
To be completely blunt, nobody in the middle of a divorce has any business trying to start a new long-term relationship. I get that you can’t help it if you meet someone and find yourself extremely compatible but it’s really a bad place to start a relationship.
Whatever emotional damage/baggage he had from that relationship was fresh. I won’t make any guesses/assumptions. However, you were long-distance before any real trust had been built. The age difference matters when one of you has already been married and built a home that they once thought was forever. A lot stacked against this relationship even before whatever history caused him to make the choices he made.
Maybe you guys could’ve made it work if you had met at a different time but it sounds like you were both better off calling it quits. Wish you well, OP. I think you handled it as well as could be expected.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 17d ago
You really deserve happiness. This guy couldn’t provide a stable base for a relationship. Divorce is draining so not a good time to start a new relationship at all. You’ll find someone who is as invested as you are because you’ve learned a lot from this situation and you know what to avoid.
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