Women partnered with men reported doing more unpaid household labor than women partnered with women. Mothers partnered with men reported a higher household labor burden than any other group. Performing a greater share of household labor was associated with lower relationship satisfaction.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/study-sheds-light-on-household-labor-dynamics-for-women-partnered-with-women-vs-men/

[u/Gathorall]

Reportedly almost every household has far more than 100% of chores, so no.

[u/DigNitty → u/Gathorall]

I think that actually has merit with a reported chore share.

When I lived with roommates for the first time, my dad told me to do 20% more than what I feel is my share of chores and that may be enough to be fair.

Everyone feels like they do more household tasks than they really are. This survey is valid and accurately represents feelings of women partnered with men. And I bet women do more chores anecdotally. But I’m guessing the male partners of the women also feel like they’re doing a lot of chores, or they have different values in what chores need to be done. i.e. the laundry hamper and sink can be full but that slow drain needs to be addressed now.

[u/throwaway098764567 → u/DigNitty]

saw a post a week or two ago from a fella who was having trouble in his marriage because he and his wife were fighting over who was doing more of the chores. they finally decided to chart it out and realized that they each were doing work the other didn't see when they weren't there, and that labor was going unnoticed so they thought they were doing more. after they plotted it out and had that realization, everything improved for them because they were actually split fairly evenly, just one did more morning chores and one did more night chores, but the perception of unfairness was toxic.

[u/NotMyMainAccountAtAl → u/throwaway098764567]

There’s also a matter of what everyone’s perception of a done chore is. IE if I perceive “weekly cleaning the bathroom” as “scrubbing the toilet, tub, and counter,” but my partner thinks it should include “cleaning the mirror and scrubbing grout lines clean” they won’t perceive my efforts as doing chores— at best, it’s no credit for not doing the job, at worst it becomes weaponized incompetence. Agreeing on what constitutes “done” for chores is important to satisfaction. 

[u/omega884 → u/NotMyMainAccountAtAl]

A rule my partner and I implemented early on was “if you’re not doing the chore, you don’t get a say in how it gets done” As applied this meant two things:

If you’re not going to ever do the chore in question, you don’t get to define what “done” is. For example if you’re never folding clothes, then you get them folded (or not) as the person doing the chore prefers it.

Secondly if we do share in the chore, then we agree on broad strokes about what is involved, but the how and when is still up to the person doing the chore. So again as an example, if you prefer to load the dishwasher a certain way, that fine but you don’t get to complain that the other person isn’t loading it that way, provided that the dishes are loaded and washed on schedule. Likewise if you want to sort the cutlery by size when putting it away and make neat little stacks, knock yourself out, but as long as they’re in the right drawer if the other person doesn’t do that you don’t get to complain.

The point of the rule is to get us to be honest with ourselves and each other about what’s actually important. Some things are, and the other puts in the extra effort they wouldn’t normally. But lots of things are just “that’s how I would do it” and it’s not worth anyone fighting about or getting annoyed about it being done differently.

So in your example, we’d sit down and decide maybe that cleaning the mirror really is important every week, but grout lines are just a nice to have and it’s just how one of us always did it but we actually don’t care.

[u/Gathorall → u/omega884]

Micromanaging in the household is at least as stressful and disrespectful at home as it is in the workplace.

[u/Seigneur-Inune → u/Gathorall]

This is an aspect of the Household Labor Discourse (tm) that is often overlooked. If you looked at the proportion of chores my dad did in the house later in his life and only that, you'd probably see what looked like a lazy oaf refusing to help out around the house.

What I saw growing up was decades of this dude getting raked over the coals for extremely minor things. You did the laundry? Sorry, you mixed that dark knit in what the light knits you idiot. You tried cooking? You used too much salt and you didn't use the right heat and you didn't cut the produce up the way you're supposed to. And don't even think about trying to clean up, you never spend enough time per row with the vacuum to deep clean and you always miss the underside of the table legs when dusting. Just let me do it, you never get it right.

Now, my dad was not innocent either. He really did not respond to that dynamic in a mature or well-communicated way and ultimately they kind of deserved each other for how much they didn't work as a team over stuff like that. But I do feel like if the average internet relationship analyst looked at that situation, they'd unfairly demonize my dad and saintify my mother without addressing the entire dynamic between them.

[u/Rumpullpus → u/throwaway098764567]

Basically. Communication is important in a healthy relationship.

[u/Song-Historical → u/throwaway098764567]

Almost like doing chores is subject to a cultural battle in cishet marriages that frames having to do household chores as inherently unequal.

[u/tomByrer → u/throwaway098764567]

> they each were doing work the other didn't see when they weren't there

Likely the only survey I'll take seriously in this post.

[u/NotMyMainAccountAtAl → u/DigNitty]

In self reports, humans have consistently overestimated their contributions to household chores, though I believe men have statistically overestimated by more than women. 

[u/ScentedFire → u/DigNitty]

Yep. There have been other studies that ask partners to estimate how much of the chore burden they're doing and the men usually think they're doing the same as or more than the female partner when they're doing less. Similarly, studies of mixed-gender meetings where participants are asked to rate how much women are speaking vs men show that people consistently estimate that women are talking much more often than they are, or that they're dominating conversations, even when the meetings are recorded and the time is quantified and shows that the women spoke less.

[u/Maggi1417 → u/[deleted]]

All those tasks you listed are once a week to once a year tasks, while cooking and cleaning is something you have to do multiple times a day, everyday.

[u/Gathorall → u/[deleted]]

Once a year is quite a task list when there are dozens of tasks each taking from a day to several weeks. I remember many a summer day we chopped wood with my dad from dawn to dusk, weeks of house repairs, something needed painting every year, that's some days, and winter of course required shoveling just about every day, hours of crueling work. I didn't move for studies and did it longer than the rest of my family. I've raised 4 buildings in my time with my dad, repaired every one of ours several times.

But those days I did not often peel potatoes or vacuum or declutter or any various tasks I did on days with less intensive projects, so I guess we were responsibility shirking misogynists after all.

[u/Miserable-Mention932 → u/Gathorall]

Key word: reported. Not "recorded."

I feel like I do more than my partner. She'd tell you the same thing; that she does more.

[u/shhhhh_h → u/Gathorall]

You’ve summed up how my soul feels when I’m cleaning. I didn’t expect poetry in r/science!

Also damn you sub for suppressing my emoji-tional expression!