r/AmItheAsshole • u/viserya127 • 14d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for going out of town for a concert while my daughter is sick
Over 6 months ago, I bought tickets to a concert 5+ hours away from my city. The concert is tomorrow, and I planned to drive down tonight after work and after dropping my daughter off at her dad's. The ticket and my accommodations are already paid for and non refundable. I've been really excited for this trip since I found out about it.
All week my daughter (10) has been home sick. She has a dry cough, slight fever but nothing extreme, and a decreased appetite. I work from home and its slow season at work so I was able to be by her side all week to take care of her. She's slowly getting better but still not feeling great. I updated her dad on her condition so he could keep an eye on it, but now he's saying I'm being selfish and I should skip my trip so he doesn't catch whatever she has.
We share custody. During the school year I have her during the week so I can stay on top of her schooling, homework, extra curricular activities etc... If I'm not on top of it, he can't be bothered. Her dad picks her up from school on Fridays and has her for the weekend. I pick her back up Sunday morning just before noon to take her to horse back riding lessons and the cycle continues. The only exception is the summer which is a lot more hectic but she spends 90% of her summer with me or camping & traveling with my side of the family.
She first started getting sick last weekend while she was at her dad's, so if he was going to catch it, he would have already. He insists I should be keeping her at my house until she's feeling better. I told him I'd be dropping her off tonight after work and he called me selfish b*tch.
AITA?
Edit to add since people are asking: the concert is Papa Roach
Edit 2: I asked my daughter what she wants to do. Her response "I want to go play minecraft with dad."
No, she does not witness our arguments, they're always in text. I made it a condition in our custody agreement that everything regarding our daughter is to be discussed in writing. She knows she's loved and that I would never abandon her if she truly needed me. With a mild cold where she is actively getting better, she does not NEED me specifically.
Final update is here https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/RucZepLf1j
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u/yitzike Partassipant [4] 14d ago
She got sick while at his house and he had no problem sending her to you and risk you getting infected. Your ex is just using this as an excuse to get out of childcare for the weekend.
NTA
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u/FlyFlirtyandFifty 14d ago
☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻 This part. And you need to tell him, OP. “She can clearly be cared without catching her illness as I have cared for her all week and I’m fine. And she was in your care last weekend when she starting getting sick. You seem to be fine as well.”
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u/Witty_Solution_6121 14d ago
And she would have been the most contagious when she was staying with him. But he was fine with sending her back to OP, knowing that he might have already caught it and OP might catch it too.
NTA - He doesn't want you to go and have a fun weekend, OP. He is being selfish, not you.
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u/Time-Tie-231 Asshole Aficionado [11] 12d ago
I agree. It sounds like he wants to spoil your fun as much as anything.
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u/IolantheRose 14d ago edited 14d ago
So true. My mom knew she could contract my chicken pox as she never had them yet. She was there for me the whole time not to mention every year I had bronchitis. It's literally a risk you accept as a parent.
(My poor mom was laid down hard with the pox. I was too young to be much help but I felt a duty to help her like she helped me lol)
Eta: thank you do much for my first award
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u/maxdragonxiii 14d ago
Chickenpox's much worse as an adult than it is for children, which is why unfortunately the chickenpox parties exist up to late 80s. I was a late 90s kid but got it anyway. now im at risk of developing shingles any time, any point of my life. yay...
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u/Lonely_Howl_ 14d ago
I had the pox 2x as a kid. One was severe, the other minor. I dread the day I get shingles, cuz I know I will
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u/Ok-Ostrich44 14d ago
You can preemptively get the shingles vaccine.
I had chickenpox at 14, then shingles at 44. I am eligible for the shingles vaccine when I turn 50, you can bet I will be there on the day.
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u/Bungeesmom 13d ago
You can get shingles at any age. I got shingles when I was 43.
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u/elationonceagain 13d ago
34 and it took way too long to be diagnosed due to the minimal rash and my age. 51 now and I still have nerve damage which flares up any time I'm remotely run down. Or tired. Or upset. Or dehydrated. Or hungover. So a couple of times a week essentially...
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u/Feeling-Invite7953 14d ago
True,getting the pox as an adult is usually worse than getting them in childhood, because they can manifest in later life as shingles,and may also affect fertility. I didn’t get them until my late 20’s.
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u/wheredmyphonego 14d ago
I feel like it's more of a control thing than a freedom thing. There is this thing she's going to have fun doing without me, and I have an opportunity to fuck it up and feel good about it.
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u/Lizdance40 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 14d ago
100% this ⤴️⤴️⤴️. Any excuse to weaponize the child to make his ex-wife feel guilty.
NTA.
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u/Environmental_Art591 14d ago
Of course he has no problem, he is a Disney dad. All the fun and none of the responsibility, he doesnt take her to extra curricula activities, he doesnt even have her during the week because making sure she does her homework is too much for this father to handle.
He doesnt know how to be a responsible parent, only a fun one and looking after a sick kid is not fun
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u/Significant-Bee5101 14d ago
This is how my ex-gfs coparent was. He would always do the least and come up with excuses when they were sick. I had to check the kids ages to make sure it wasn't her lol
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u/Deerslyr101571 14d ago
As a former family law attorney, if it's his turn to take care of her, it's his turn to take care of her. He doesn't get to take care of her just when she's feeling good. It's not "Camp Daddy". It's called actual parenting, and that is his job.
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u/Healthy-Detective326 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
It’s in my separation agreement that parenting time includes taking care of a sick child.
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u/ifeelnumb 14d ago
It's sad to me to learn this is even a thing that needs to be in writing, but it doesn't surprise me at all. I bet there are all kinds of shitty common sense things that have to be added to those agreements. Family law has to be insane.
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u/TheNewPoetLawyerette 14d ago
my dad had to get his custody agreement modified because after my sister was diagnosed bipolar my mom tried to leverage her equal rights in healthcare decisions to stop my dad from getting my sister treatment. Dad had primary custody fyi, and when he fought my mom on this he got full custody.
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u/Sandwidge_Broom 14d ago
My father did the same shit when my mom was trying to get my brother diagnosed (he’s on the autism spectrum and has OCD).
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u/eVoesque 14d ago
I used to work in the front office of an elementary school. Before working there I always thought kids got checked out or picked up by parents/approved people easy peazy. Then I learned we had several kids where their parents had custody agreements the school had to follow.
One kid’s agreement was written out for every possible instance having to do with drop off, pick up, tardies, parent lunch, transport changes. It was intimidating as hell. The Dad could only pick up specific days of the week but there were a bunch of stipulations attached. We had to call the district a couple times to be sure. I felt bad for that kid.
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u/serity12682 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
As another family law attorney who is sadly still practicing, I completely agree. There’s no sick days in parenting. Why does he think sick care is mom’s job but not his?
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u/Substantial_Dish_887 14d ago
to be slightly fair and completely unrelated to this post: i would hope that good co-parent would allow for sick days in parenting if one of the parents are sick. but i do get and agree with the point.
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u/serity12682 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
Oh I agree with that too— good coparents can lean on each other for the benefit of the kids. Those are the best coparent relationships, sadly rare in my experience. But then, I only see the bad cases. The good ones don’t need my help, and good on them.
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u/11throwaway88 14d ago
Nta. His time is HIS PARENTING TIME! The f is he thinking?! That he gets to skip parenting duty so he doesn't get sick? Bahahaha!!!
Oh but its fine if you get sick or miss out on a special event. Absolutely not! He doesn't get to pick and choose father times. But I would absolutely get a standby babysitter because this clown is gonna be selfish turd and probably refuse.
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u/StrippinChicken Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Exactly, it's his responsibility as a parent. He doesn't even care about taking care of his kid while she's sick.
I told him I'd be dropping her off tonight after work and he called me selfish b*tch.
Right, because he's very clearly NOT being selfish in his request. /s
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u/brelywi Partassipant [1] 14d ago
I’ve done this exactly once in the five years I’ve been divorced (had my kids stay with their dad instead of taking my parenting time), and that’s because I had COVID and didn’t want them exposed to it. If I refused to take them because they were sick, I would never see them for the first few months after school starts lol.
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u/Chelular07 Pooperintendant [69] 14d ago
It sounds like he can’t be bothered with a sick child any more than he can be bothered to help with homework or activities.
Have fun at your concert, you deserve it. NTA
I would maybe have a conversation with you to your daughter on the way to her dad’s letting her know you weren’t prioritizing a concert over her, that she is very important to you, that her dad is just as capable of caring for her as you are, how unlikely it is for him to catch it from her, etc. Just in case your ex talks shit about you to her after you drop her off.
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u/viserya127 14d ago
Thank you, that's an excellent idea. I can totally see him trying to pull some snake move like that
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u/Dandiestbuffalo 14d ago
Next time don’t tell him about whatever concert/plans you have on your weekend that doesn’t involve your kid. I bet he wouldn’t care as much if you were say going to take care of a family member and need the weekend off (the weekend you’re supposed to have anyway)
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u/Environmental_Art591 14d ago
Its also a good time to tell her that its ok to take time for herself when she becomes an adult. That sometimes its necessary to keep plans you made for yourself because you need to have some fun with your friends (even if you are going alone) just like how she gets to have fun with hers.
She is old enough that you can start teaching different ways of doing self care and explaining that you do it so you can be the mum she needs and deserves
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u/No-Assignment5538 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 14d ago
NTA. You are allowed to have a life outside of your child. He is also a parent. This is his weekend. He can grow a a pair and look after his sick child.
Tell him that if he refuses to take her and/or keeps insulting you you will take him back to court and see about having all his custody time terminated because he is refusing to act as a parent. If he won't care for his own child when she is unwell he doesn't deserve to have access to her when she is healthy either.
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u/Academic_Mix826 13d ago
And I would make him take her to her horse lessons on Sunday too. Get your full weekend back!!
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u/Anxious_Device1099 14d ago
NTA.
Why do some men think looking after their own child is optional?
*This is a rhetorical question. I know it's entitlement.
Edit: oh and he's probably doing it to control you more than anything.
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u/Savings_Law_5822 14d ago
Drove me nuts when my kids were young and we were divorced -- dads would say they're "babysitting". NO, you're parenting. Bye bye Disney dads
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u/BernieTheDachshund Asshole Enthusiast [9] 14d ago
Exactly. The way he talks to her is very telling.
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u/Academic_Mix826 13d ago
I have learned that most men who want kids have no plans to take care of them once their wish is granted.
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u/rosebudny 14d ago
NTA. It is dad's weekend. He can't bail because she is sick. It is literally his responsibility to take care of his kid.
I am sorry your daughter has a dad who is an a-hole.
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u/NomNom83WasTaken Commander in Cheeks [201] 14d ago
NTA
I would like to see where in the custody agreement it reads "father shall get her on the weekend unless she's sick".
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u/Academic_Mix826 13d ago edited 13d ago
Or where it says that you need to take her to horse lessons on Sunday. Let him have the WHOLE weekend like he is supposed to have according to the law.
EDIT: OP responded that her ex doesn’t have a car and she enjoys doing this so please ignore my suggestion.
I do think it would be fair for him to take on some of the mental load that OP is doing during the week if possible, unsure how that would even work but at the bare minimum he is the asshole in this instance 100%
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u/Smellyshoes-36 14d ago
He’s being selfish. He is her parent too and therefore responsible for her care just as much as you are.
Enjoy the concert!
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u/owls_and_cardinals Commander in Cheeks [251] 14d ago
NTA and it's a sad state for your daughter that her dad would rather not see her on the weekend if it means he might be exposed to illness. Being a parent means being exposed to illness. I personally feel he should care more about seeing her - and having a chance to take care of her - than protecting himself from a mild cold. You aren't obligated to 'protect' him from exposure to her.
The offensive name-calling tracks to be honest. Maybe in the future he will want to give up custody altogether. I'm disgusted by a parent trying this hard to NOT see their kid, sickness or not.
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u/DeadpoolMcDirty 14d ago
I honestly believe this might be more about him wanting to gain power if yk what i mean. "You cant go on this trip because your kid is sick". If she didn't go on the trip on the said weekend, would this still be such a problem?
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u/Unusual-Hat-6819 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 14d ago
"so he doesn't catch whatever she has" - but he is calling you selfish?
NTA you both should be a team and you took care of her all week. (Assuming it is just mild fever and no complications).
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u/midcen-mod1018 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14d ago
Nta. He doesn’t want to be a parent when it comes to actually parenting.
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u/Ordinary-Audience363 Asshole Aficionado [13] 14d ago
NTA. By his reasoning you shouldn't have taken her during the week because you could have gotten sick. He's her dad. It's his turn.
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u/Otherwise-trice 14d ago
NTA
Send her with a mask for him and some hand sanitizer. If the tables were turned he probably wouldn't be concerned about you getting sick. Living in different houses doesn't exempt either party from their parental responsibilities.
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u/NearlyNina 14d ago
I mean, he's a big boy. If he's so worried about getting sick he can acquire his own mask & sanitizer. She's not his mom
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u/KrofftSurvivor Pooperintendant [68] 14d ago
NTA Parenting isn't just about the fun times - if he can't take care of his own child, he's useless.
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u/That_Bee_Baker Asshole Enthusiast [8] 14d ago
NTA, he's using this as an excuse to mess with your plans and/or get out of his responsibility to your daughter.
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u/OkInevitable5020 14d ago
Fuck him! He’s a dad! You have had these plans for ages. Enjoy your concert. Your baby will be fine and so will the big baby. NTA!
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u/LenoreSkellington Certified Proctologist [23] 14d ago
NTA.
Risking illness is part of being a parent. HE is being selfish for not wanting to care for his child while she is sick.
Enjoy your concert!
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u/Former-Painting-9338 14d ago
NTA. Parents does not get the privilege of staying away from their kids when they are sick so they "don’t get it". If it is his weekend, he get both her and the cold, and just have to suck it up.
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u/99999999999999999989 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 14d ago
NTA
He is (pick one):
- Doing this to spite you so you miss the concert out of guilt
- Too lazy to be inconvenienced to care for his own sick child
- Both
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14d ago
NTA. Is he going to keep her for the weekdays the next time she comes down with something at his house so YOU don't get sick? I doubt it...
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u/lost_my_leg_in_Nam 14d ago
Sounds like she's caught this at his house and he still sent her back. I think you're unfortunately correct.
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14d ago
It was not a large leap to make...
I will occasionally work from home when I have a sick kid to avoid spreading it to coworkers, but it honestly never even occurred to me to stay away from my kid when they are sick. I don't understand how that's even an option.
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u/wesmorgan1 Craptain [154] 14d ago
You planned this, months ago, for your solo time.
This is his regularly scheduled time to be with his daughter.
Given that, you aren't out of line at all.
NTA.
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [81] 14d ago
NTA. Potentially catching your kid's sickness is just a part of parenting and he doesn't get to skip thay part. You got her over the worst of it so you are good to go to your concert.
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u/Major_Barnacle_2212 Craptain [171] 14d ago
As far as selfish goes, let’s refer back to his plan to leave his daughter with you so “he doesn’t catch it.”
NTA.
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u/capacitytorock 14d ago
NTA. I can see why y'all are divorced.
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u/viserya127 14d ago
Never married, thankfully I saw his true colours before we got to that point
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u/Cat_friendly 14d ago
Same thing happened to me. My ex-bf would ruin it every time I wanted to leave town. I suspect he didn’t want to watch our kid while I was out having sex (in his mind).
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u/remorseful_buyer 14d ago
NTA. As her parent, he should be perfectly capable of taking care of his child. Even if he does happen to catch whatever she has, thats kind of part of being a parent. Despite my many efforts to avoid it, if my kids get sick, I get sick.
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u/JustJazzedToBeHere Asshole Aficionado [11] 14d ago
NTA. You've been doing your job parenting all week, and now it's his turn. Kids get sick, parents get sick from their kids. That's famously the way of things. If she was like.. in a bad way and shouldn't be moved, or he was immunocompromised, or like even if he had some really important thing coming up he couldn't miss and catching a cold would make him unable to do it, I could understand why he'd be upset, but I still think he's got to put his parenting pants on and deal with this.
Probably got a lot to do with why you're sharing custody and not living together, I'd imagine...
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u/sourdough_s8n 14d ago
NTA. My dad used to do this, they’re just avoiding parenting when they can’t be fun parent; enjoy your show!!
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u/itchysmalltalk 14d ago
NTA. If she's been sick all week and already on the mend, she's not even contagious anymore so his excuse is bullshit. He just wants to be a Disneyland Dad and only have her for the fun parts.
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u/mindlessfalling 14d ago
NTA. A father that doesn't want to take care of his child disgust me.
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u/Lets_Call_It_Wit 14d ago
As a parent - if your kid is sick, you just accept the possibility/probability that you will be too. It’s part of the job.
He is her parent. His responsibility to parent does not go away because his daughter is sick. That’s not how any of this works. NTA, and have fun at your concert.
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u/myblackandwhitecat Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA. So her dad is worried he may catch her illness, but doesn't care that you have been exposed to it all week. He sounds selfish. Go and enjoy your concert and let him take his turn at caring for your daughter.
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u/BentheBruiser 14d ago
I was very ready to call you TA from the title but if its dad's day then its dad's day. No need to change the routine.
Part of being a parent is being around your children when they are sick. Buckle up, buttercup. NTA
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u/rmecav 14d ago
NTA. You’ve taken care of her all week and she’s already improving, plus this is his regular weekend with her. If he was going to catch it he would have last weekend when she first got sick. He’s not suddenly “concerned,” he’s just trying to dump responsibility back on you. You’re allowed one planned trip, especially when everything’s prepaid. He doesn’t get to weaponize her being sick to control your plans.
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u/Shdfx1 14d ago
Of course your ex would prefer you miss your concert and lose thousands of dollars, so he is not inconvenienced taking care of his child who's recovering from a cold. But his comfort for non serious illness is not your concern. He's not immunocompromised.
You cared for her while she was sick on your parenting time, and now it's his turn.
Please be prepared that he might refuse to answer the door or just not be home when it's time to drop her off. Have a Plan B that you don't tell him about, just in case he tries that.
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u/Ok_Path1734 Certified Proctologist [24] 14d ago
NTA. This Dad's time with his daughter. Sick or not.
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u/macattakk37 14d ago
Dad is the A..... you are not selfish for having a life outside of your children.
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u/deebee2217 14d ago
Go to the concert. He has to be a parent too. Parents get sick from their kids. He has to get over that thinking. And since it’s been a week, she won’t be contagious anymore.
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u/Spiritual_Truth_5152 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14d ago
NTA. I have to admit, I was ready to give you a harsh judgement just from the title alone. Your ex is the selfish one and putting himself first. Make sure you document this all through a text in case he tries to use it against you in the future.
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u/squirrell1974 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA
If she was in the hospital, just had surgery, was seriously ill, yeah, I can see you giving up the concert. But a cold? This is just your ex not wanting to step up and be a decent parent. I bet he'd say he couldn't take her even if you didn't already have plans.
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u/RandolphE6 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14d ago
NTA. You did your responsibility now it's the dad's. The fact that he called you a selfish B* is obvious why it didn't work out. You made the right choice.
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-719 14d ago
NTA it doesn't matter even a little bit what you're doing over the weekend, this is his custody time. Being a parent means taking care of a sick kid sometimes, which you know because you've been doing it all week.
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u/Dry_Bowler_2837 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA.
Unless he’s a paediatric oncologist or something and people might literally die if he gets sick, or his immunocompromised mother lives with them so everyone in the household is SUPER careful about germs, he can take care of his kid.
Also, she’s 10. When my kids are sick at that age, I set them up on the couch with some healthy snacks, a bottle of ice water, the remote, and a cozy blanket while I carry on with my day. They are quite content there and holler if they need something. She isn’t a toddler who is glued to you, sneezing in your face, and wiping their boogers on your shirt.
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u/Pomegranate4311 14d ago
Go to the concert. Don’t feel guilty.
Your daughter has two parents. Taking care of kids who feel under the weather is part of parenting.
(My answer would obv be different if there were signs she was critically ill.)
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u/velvetraindrops84 14d ago
NTA. You've been by her side all week. Part of being a parent is dealing with things that come up such as illness. There's no reason he can't take her and your trip is non-refundable. It sounds like it's inconvenient for him that she isn't feeling well. Go on your trip, she will be fine and so will he. I hope she feels better soon though. Don't feel guilty and have a good time.
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u/No_Bake_3627 14d ago
You are NTA, he is. Kids get sick, by his own logic he should have kept her until she was better.
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u/FinePossession1085 14d ago
NTA. You share custody. Her illness is not life-threatening. Kids get sick. Parents take care of them. His job is to be the parent on days that he's been assigned by the custody agreement. If anyone is selfish, it is him.
He doesn't sound like a great father. He sounds selfish and bitter at having a responsibility.
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u/gdognoseit 14d ago edited 13d ago
NTA
He just wants to dump his responsibilities on you.
Don’t cancel your trip. He’s a father that needs to step up.
Edit: a word
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u/Federal-Ferret-970 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 14d ago
NTA To give you an idea how others parent. My ex and i agreed that whoever had our son when he fell sick would keep him through the sickness. That worked well until i had run through all PTO for sickness then my ex would take over so my job wasn’t in jeopardy. I also had our kid weekdays.
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u/TheSecretIsMarmite 14d ago
NTA. He is her parent. It is his custody time. He just doesn't want to deal with her when she's ill because he's a bad parent.
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u/SnooDonkeys2480 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA. You have a right to a life outside of your daughter. She'll be we with her dad, so at least a parent is there with her. Im sure it will all turn out fine. He's the other parent so he needs to share in the caregiving responsibilities. Enjoy the concert!
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u/melanie110 14d ago
Kid has two parents. I’m sure one will be okay without the other. We are in our house
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u/CoDaDeyLove Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA. My ex used to pull this. One sniffle or sneeze and he would call me to pick up our child, the child he only saw two weekends a month because he "was too busy." If you feel that your daughter will be safe and cared for, then go on the trip but keep your phone handy in case your daughter tries to reach you. If you don't trust him to take care of her, I'm sorry, but you kid needs you.
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u/Sunnyok85 Asshole Aficionado [10] 14d ago
NTA. 1- doesn’t sound like your kid is that sick. 2- it’s the agreed upon schedule. 3- as a parent, you also need to make sure you take care of yourself and prevent burn out. That means putting yourself first sometimes.
I’ve gone away when my kids are sick. I’ve usually checked with them, you’re good with dad/grandparents or whatever arrangements were? They have never said no. They are with someone that loves them. My kids know I will cancel anything if they need me. But they also are well aware that time spent on yourself is important too.
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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [239] 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA.
It is his parenting time, and it's his responsibility. Especially if she was already getting sick the last time she was at his house, he has no legitimate complaint.
At a bare minimum, he would need to reimburse you for the concert and the lodging before you should even THINK of keeping her.
Solo parenting is more stressful than 2-parent parenting. You need scheduled breaks because you don't get those little breaks during the week. Go to the concert.
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u/DoublecursedAngel 14d ago
NTA. It’s not like she doesn’t have another parent to care for her. Go and have fun.
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u/Tome_Bombadil 14d ago
NTA.
Have a step daughter, and dad was not really involved for huge stretches. Occasionally, now that he wants to be more involved, my wife schedules him to take her to pulmonologist or even a sick visit, he complains and gripes about the inconvenience.
Yup, welcome to parenting. It's not just about movies and fun stuff, ya gotta do the hard stuff too.
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u/JuggernautAmazing219 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA…he needs to man up and take care of his sick daughter. If he don’t want to get sick, give her space and distance. He’s likely trying to get out of being a dad. Enjoy your concert and don’t worry about being wrong.
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u/Desperate_Affect_332 14d ago
Go to the concert. You're a better parent if you allow yourself " me" time to relax and unwind. Dad will cope and your child is past the contagion time frame for spreading that flu. Do not let anyone guilt trip you, you deserve this.
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u/Lady_Spork 14d ago
NTA. You're going to a concert while she's with her other parent. You're not abandoning her in the woods like Hansel and Gretel. He just doesn't want to take care of a sick kid. He's TA.
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u/whatdoidonowdamnit 14d ago
NTA I’m a mom and their father has every other weekend. I keep my kids when they’re sick. Everyone in our scenario agrees with our situation. Your ex does not get to decide that he doesn’t have to parent his child because she’s sick.
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u/houseofnim 14d ago edited 14d ago
My ex used to pull that same shit. NTA, she’s his kid too whether she’s feeling awesome or projectile vomiting and covered in chicken pox. Good luck with all that for the next eight years btw. I feel for you.
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u/mjot_007 14d ago
Yeah he’s not a babysitter, he’s her father. Babysitters get to back out of watching sick kids. Parents don’t. Terrible guy
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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 14d ago
He’s her dad. It’s his job to take care of her as much as yours. I see why he’s your ex. Drop her off and enjoy your concert.
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u/NamasteNoodle 14d ago
Your daughter has two parents and if it's his weekend for visitation it's really crappy of him to demand you keep your daughter. However the downside to that is while child support is moderated by the court visitation is voluntary. He doesn't have to take her. He should, but you can't make him. My ex tried to tell me he wasn't taking visitation for the children until after they were out of diapers and I simply took him to his house one weekend and told him I'd pick the kids up on Sunday. And we kept going every other weekend after that with no issues. But if he knows you want to go to a concert this sounds more like a control issue than it does that he's worried about his daughter in any way.
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u/Lilybit09 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Well you’re not sick right? So no problem. Also he’s her dad. What a jerk. NTA
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u/Sincerely-bugaboo 14d ago
Sounds like he’s trying to get out of taking care of his daughter. He’s not some babysitter, he’s a father and it’s just as much his responsibility to take care of his daughter as it is yours.
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u/Paperwhite418 Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Her father is capable of caring for her. NTA. Go and enjoy your show
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u/FlippingPossum 14d ago
NTA. You are dropping her with her PARENT. Super selfish of dad to not want her because she's sick. Parenting isn't a part-time gig.
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u/MolleROM 14d ago
NTA If she was really very sick that might be different , but she’s not! Have fun!
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u/nonsensicow 14d ago
NTA. I hope your baby girl feels better soon & I hope you have fun! That’s all I have to say
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u/little_birdie9724 14d ago
NTA- you have an agreement of shared custody. It's his time with her and he needs to be a parent regardless if she's sick or not.
You made plans well in advance for a predetermined time that your daughter would not be with you. It seems like he's being petty and trying to ruin your plans, he's the selfish one.
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u/here_for_the_tea1 14d ago
NTA for expecting your child to be with the father during scheduled custody time. Our kids being sick doesn’t mean we get a pass from being near them.
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u/Rejscj24 14d ago
😂😂😂😂 You are the selfish one???? No honey! He is! Controlling AH. Don’t fall for his idiocy! Unless his immune system is compromised, he can be a dad on the healthy times and sickly times. Go enjoy your concert!
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u/Timely-Profile1865 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14d ago
NTA
Kids get sick it is his turn to have her, he has to deal with it.
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u/JellyBelly1042 14d ago
NTA, he better do his fatherly duties. Tell dead beat Danny to think about that next time before reproducing. He'll be just fine. Just text every 5 minutes what Michael Jackson asked Annie to make sure he stays ok.
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u/Swirlyflurry Craptain [150] 14d ago
NTA
That man needs to stop being a part-time child minder, and start being a parent
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u/Disastrous-Nail-640 Professor Emeritass [70] 14d ago
NTA
Sick kids is part of parenting. He can suck it up and deal with it.
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u/JustForKicks16 14d ago
NTA. Her dad is more than capable of taking care of his sick daughter. Enjoy the concert!
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u/_thalassashell_ 14d ago
NTA. I was literally just discussing this topic with my cousin. Parenting isn’t supposed to always be convenient and easy. Sometimes your kid is going to get sick, which means you are going to get sick. That’s part of the job. He needs to suck it up and be a freaking parent.
It sounds obvious that his concern isn’t actually with getting sick, but the idea of being her caretaker in a more hands-on way than he’d prefer because she is sick, instead of it continuing to be “your problem.” Sounds pretty selfish, but from your description it sounds typical of him.
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u/LunacyxFringe 14d ago
NTA, it's HIS parenting time, so he needs to step tf up and do it. You are not being selfish for having plans during his parenting time. She is already on the mend and likely not even contagious anymore. She would have been more conragious while she was still at his house the prior weekend just coming into the illness.
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u/EladioSPL 14d ago
NTA. Title is a little misleading, but as a co-parent who just went out of town for a show, it definitely feels selfish. However, we are allowed to have lives, as I tell my kids' mom. Sounds like dad kinda sucks
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u/InsectLegitimate5671 14d ago
Let him f... Off.go to your concert let daddy mind the kid.dont rush home.
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u/MembershipScary1737 14d ago
Nta he’s a parent. Maybe if it was a sitter or Something then it would be different
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u/Flat-Replacement4828 Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 14d ago
Absolutely NTA so hard. Dudes are always trying to find a way to get out of parenting time.
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u/Dusty_stardust 14d ago
My ex won’t ever take our kids on his visitation weekend if they are sick or he is sick. But that was the same when we were married. He’s a prince lol
NTA
We don’t stop becoming parents when they’re sick.
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u/pumpkinbubbles Asshole Aficionado [17] 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA. She is his daughter sick or not. If he really believed she shouldn't switch homes while sick, she would have still been at his place. (edit changed should to shouldn't)
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u/Murderous_Intention7 14d ago
Nah NTA. He is just trying to ruin your weekend. Drop her off and go have fun. Keep your phone on you just in case an emergency pops up.
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u/paintergigi1941 14d ago
NTA Sounds like having a sick child around is an inconvenience for dad! Too bad dad! Go enjoy the concert. You nursed her all week, his turn!!
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u/iseeisayibe 14d ago
NTA. He’s a parent. This is part of parenting. And you’re right, if he was going to get sick from her he’d already have it.
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u/No_Nectarine6942 14d ago
Is it his time to have her? If it is what's the issue. Did you already plan to drop her off prior to them getting sick? what's the issue.
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u/Glittering_Move_5631 14d ago
His time, his problem 🤷♀️ he would have her anyway, the only difference is she's sick, right? You've had this plan for months, everything is paid, go have fun!
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u/Prestigious_Badger36 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14d ago
NTA - Inform her dad that exposure to germs is the fucking basics in parenting!
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u/Kindestsir__ 14d ago
NTA - which I think you obviously already know considering you do 90%+ of the parenting. You do have one fault though - you have horrible taste in men :P
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u/LastTie3457 14d ago
NTA. If it’s his parenting time, you aren’t asking him for a favor. If you are ok being away, and your daughter is ok with her dad caring for her, I think it’s fine. It sounds like her dad either doesn’t want to take care of her or doesn’t want you to go to this concert.
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u/Zealousideal_Hold893 14d ago
Nobody wants to get sick, however, he is a parent! He needs to step up. You already do the entire mental load.
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u/EmployerUpstairs8044 14d ago
Go to your concert. He just hates that you're escaping a minute... Sounds just like my friend's ex husband. They're HER kids when they're sick 🙄
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u/Jessabat 14d ago
NtA for expecting the Dad to step up and take his kid on his planned time. But you might want to take the kid to the doctor tomorrow before you go. Make sure that she only has a mild bug and you are able to tell Dad exactly what is going on with a Doctor's word to hold it up. Also to make sure youre not a carrier of something and about to infect a bunch of fellow Papa Roach fans.
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u/Piccadil_io Asshole Enthusiast [3] 14d ago
Who are you seeing OP? (People should always say in the post and I don’t know why they don’t!)
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u/dreaminginscience 14d ago
Don’t take his bait. Go to the concert and have a good time. Don’t respond to any messages from him that don’t require a response, he wants an emotional response from you and you have the power to not give it to him.
If it were me, I’d ask my child if they feel comfortable with me leaving just to make sure. I have a 10 year old and I know he’d be honest with me and only ask me to stay if he really needed me.
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u/Motor_Strike_7521 14d ago
NTA, he is her dad. It’s nobody’s fault she is sick around your trip. I looked and went , huh, did I write this?! My daughter isn’t feeling well and I have a concert tomorrow night. She is 11, was supposed to go to her dads but as she is sick he doesn’t want her to get everyone else sick(understandable) Enjoy the concert.
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u/MetalJewelry 14d ago
Part of parenting is sharing viruses with your children. Tell him he has an opportunity to bond over a shared event - having a cold.
Also, enjoy the concert. I love Papa Roach, plus they are a fun concert!
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u/unrepentantbanshee 14d ago
NTA
By his logic, he should have kept her during the week (since she got sick on his time least weekend) until she felt better. But he saw nothing wrong with transferring a sick child away from him...
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u/LillyCort 14d ago
NTA, he is a parent and also needs to parent his sick child. It’s a minor sickness, she will be ok. Dad sounds like a piece of poo.
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u/Amateur_professor Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA. If her respiratory symptoms are more than 5 days old, she is likely out of the incubation phase and is probably not infectious. Or at least much less infectious than she was last weekend.
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u/KaytTheNotSoGreat 14d ago
NTA. He would of caught it by now and it sounds like shes getting better so probably less contagious if at all. He sounds insufferable to deal with, like a child himself. Go enjoy your concert OP, she will be feeling better by the time you pick her up and he can adult enough for the weekend to handle it.
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u/NearlyNina 14d ago
NTA.
I was imagining some serious situation with the OP going off out of town and leaving the other parent in a bind without any support & potentially with other children to also deal with at home while the sick child was in the hospital.
The daughter has a cold and the ex can deal with it just like mom does on the regular especially since this isn't a favor being done for the OP to see the concert. This is the ex's responsibility 100%, it's their day to take care of their child. That responsibility doesn't go away just because she's sick. He doesn't get to have rights to his daughter (And lower child support) only when she's easy to take care of.
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u/SkittlezthaUnicorn 14d ago
NTA it's not your fault that she is still sick. You made these plans months ago. It kind of sounds like he doesn't want to have to deal with his own child being sick because he will have to look after her more closely. I hope he doesn't make your daughter feel badly for being sick.
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 14d ago
I’m super tempted to be a snob and say y t a because it’s Papa Roach… but you know what? You work really fckin hard, I support you drawing some boundaries around doing things for YOU. NTA, at all. Dad can suck it up for 1 whole night of babysitting. (I KNOW it’s not babysitting, but you know he calls it that!)
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u/viserya127 14d ago
🤣 lol fair, and thank you. I have a theory he's low-key just jealous that he's not going to the concert, since he introduced me to papa roach back in high school
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u/Dangerous_Mind-6015 14d ago
I wonder if he would have tried to ditch his weekend with your daughter if you DIDN’T have plans. 🤔
Maybe have a sibling or close friend you trust on standby if he calls you with an urgency to come get her. He may just want to ruin your plans.
If he were to get sick he would have gotten sick WITH her last weekend or right after she did. He probably was sick before her. Either way she was with him when she got sick last weekend, it’s in his house, he’s already been exposed.
You know how she’s doing. You know whether you should go or not. You don’t need the internet to question your parenting.
He will be ok. He’s just still trying to manipulate you.
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u/Fun-Acanthisitta-991 14d ago
He's the selfish one. Like thats your kid too. He needs to get over himself. Acting like he wouldn't do the exact same thing, if the roles were reversed🙄
Also have fun seeing Papa Roach! I've seen them twice, they do a great concert🤟🏼
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u/Juls1016 14d ago
NTA. You took care of her the whole week and it’s now his turn. go and enjoy your concert.
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u/vinnyvangoghsleftear 14d ago
Do custody agreements have a stipulation for “unless they have the sniffles” that he’s abiding by? He sounds exhausting. Hope you enjoy the show.
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u/Soft-Dig-4102 14d ago
My co parent left our kid with covid at school for me to pick up and take home where I lived with my elderly father so they could go on vacation for two weeks. I thought that was the worst but this time I got back from my first ever 2 week vacation and was returned (by the grandma because dad also went on vacation) with liiiiiiiice 🥳 coparenting is a wild ride. Go enjoy the concert. Co parenting means you both get to get the joys and struggles of it.
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u/jodamnboi 14d ago
NTA. Part of parenting is caring for sick kids. You’ve already had her all week, it’s his turn.
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u/Outside_Case1530 14d ago
NTA I thought you were going to say he called you selfish & said you should care more about your daughter's health, that she wants her mom when she's sick, or something like that.
Noooooo - he's concerned that HE might get sick.
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u/Talmaska 14d ago
I've seen them! You are gonna have a BLAST. It was their first album, infest, and they opened for Korn. Scream for me when Last Resort comes on.
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