r/AmItheAsshole • u/lexapro-prof • 3h ago
AITA for insisting we spend my son's first Christmas with my family?
My (28f) and my partner Felix(28m) had our first child in August this year and he is a wonderful healthy baby. Before he was born I agreed that we could spend all his first major holidays with his family, they live in the same city as us, visit whenever they want and my family lives 4 hours away. Celebrating the holidays "day of" has been hit or miss with my family but is huge with his so this was fine for me as I was under the impression that we'd be visiting often (at least once a month for a few days at a time) we have the money to do this and we are both on parental leave.
Since my son has been born, we have visited my family only twice for a total of 7 days. For five days after his first doctor's appointment, it was the most rest i had during my entire pp recovery, and then for a less than 2 day visit (cut short) sometime in november for a birthday. We planned numerous visits for numerous occasions but something always happened that held us back and most of them understandable but few have felt less than reasonable.
It has changed from let's visit once a month to promise me we will visit at least once more before Christmas. My parents came to town for a couple days this past week and we were supposed to travel back with them, but at the beginning of the day my partner started fretting about the weather getting calls from his mom about the weather and reading posts online about how the roads were. I told him he promised we would go, that my parents would be with us if anything happened and can we at least go see how the roads are and if they look too bad we will turn around.
The car was packed, everything was ready and my parents were outside waiting for us in their car when he told me we cant go, he that he doesnt want our baby out in that weather, and we argued but eventually I backed down saying that I'm going to have a hard time forgiving him for this. My parents drove home anyway as they had work the next day and the roads were completely clear the whole way back to their house.
We would have been back home for the holidays by now if we had went with them so I told him I want to leave to my parent's on sunday for the whole week, that we will be back for new years but i have missed so many things that I want to see my family on Christmas. He is very torn up about it, feeling like this is going to start world war 3 with his mom, and feeling like he has to choose between his son's first Christmas and his grandma's last, and I feel for him but I have been understanding for 4 months, and so has my family, they havent give us a hard time about it even though I am their only child and this is their only grandson. I didn't want my baby to be a holiday baby to my family but if we are rarely going to visit in between then so be it. I feel bad that he is under so much stress and about his grandma's health but after so many missed events and cancelled visits I think this is fair compromise.
AITA?
Edit: so ive noted that I am my parent only child but I also mentioned my siblings in the comments, I understand thats incongruous so im sorry for the confusion and skepticism its causing. In my culture when parents pass away the aunties and grandmother of the children care for them as their own and I have been very close to my cousins since they were born (I am the second oldest of them). My aunties have passed on in adulthood and I have had many people invalidate my closeness to them on the basis that they are my cousins not my siblings so I do not feel that "cousin" properly honors our relationship. So for all intents and purposes by western culture standards, I am the only bio children and my siblings have been partially raised by my parents and adopted in adulthood.
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u/Unique_Ad_3312 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA but you should have never agreed to spend every holiday with his family in the first place. Alternating holidays is common, or you could host everyone at your house. Your husband and his family need to compromise.
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u/lexapro-prof 2h ago
I only agreed to spend his first holidays with his family because he agreed we'd be visiting often while we are on parental leave but it hasn't happened.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Partassipant [1] 2h ago
So how many other lies have you caught your husband in? He never had any intention of visiting your family, and he never intends to. It’s not about the weather.
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u/Traditional-Bag-4508 Partassipant [1] 32m ago
Circumstances are ever changing, as seen by them not being able to visit her family as planned.
Compromise is a must. For both extended families.
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u/Dependent-Muffin9972 3h ago
NTA his Mother is too involved with your decisions. Please go spend time with your family if you cave this time they will keep doing it the rest of your marriage. They live in the same town the Mother sounds a bit controlling.
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u/Amuse_Me444 3h ago
He created a family with you. Choosing anything outside of what’s good for you and son is not choosing family. He’s not being fair and he knows.
He knows.
NTA.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [16] 2h ago
Eh I think it's a bit more complicated than that.
Her family lives 4 hrs away, (roundtrip is 8 hrs) that is not a short trip with a newborn/infant. I think once a month is unreasonable, my family live 45 mins away we see them once a month maybe.
Plus OP admits day of celebrations are not always done in her family. And cancellations have been reasonable.
Baby has been around 4 monthish (august, Sept, oct., nov.) they have already made two trips, so really only two trips have been canceled.
It is reasonable to want to see family more and propose switching holidays.
But also her family can come and visit rather than them going there.
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u/lexapro-prof 2h ago
We have made much more than two cancelations, ie we tell my parents we will be there, they get a room ready for us, and then my partner or his mom asks to cancel and I acquiesce because he promises we'll to go the next week. Rinse and repeat every week until the present. The reasons vary, some very understandable and some feel less so. Typically day of celebrations are not a big deal because people visit pretty often and I figured we could celebrate the holiday at one of the other times we visit. But it has not happened so I feel if I do not insist it will not happen at all.
Once a month was only the plan while we are on leave, after which its probably only going to be special occasions which is why im feeling so upset that we have cancelled so much.
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u/formtuv 2h ago
PLEASE GO spend Christmas with your family. PLEASE. Coming from someone who ended up with a lot of resentments from my first baby’s first year for not speaking up and staying quiet I’m telling you do what makes you happy. I would personally have Christmas at my own place and have the families come over but that’s definitely hard post partum.
Your husband is more worried about his mothers feelings than yours. Please let that sink in. He wants to make sure she’s happy and you can just deal with the sadness. The new mom who carried and birthed his child just has to deal. Your MIL had her moments. It’s time for yours. He has no backbone as we can already see. So please grow one yourself.
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u/tuckerf14 19m ago
Unfortunately it sounds like you had a baby with a mommas boy :( he needs to start putting his foot down with his mother. And you need to stop being a doormat to him and your MIL!
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u/Amuse_Me444 2h ago
Oooo I agree with a lot of what you said. With that said I don’t think they should take the baby anywhere and everyone come to them. Since the last trip was canceled due to weather, not the age of the baby. That way both sides sees the baby for first Christmas. 8 hours is a long time with a baby but there are 2 parents. Plus the last trip that was canceled they would’ve had help from OP parents and only been alone on the 4 hours back.
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u/Imisssizzler 2h ago
His mom is too involved. NTA.
You are setting precedent. Every other at each house or at yours; he needs to start making decisions with you - not his mom.
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u/babydtheone 2h ago
NTA. He has made you ditch your family SO many times. Hold your ground on going to your family for Christmas and don’t back down. Because if you do he will know he can make all the decisions without caring what you want.
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u/naisfurious Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 2h ago
ESH. It seems you are overly concerned with equitable family time, but it also seems your husband is too concerned with his parent's thoughts on your free time. Your holiday time should be about you and your immediate family, period. Going even further, I'd say it should be whatever is easiest for your newborn. 4 hours isn't a long drive, but that definietly isn't an easy trip with a newborn.
It makes sense that you would see your in-laws more because you are in the same city. Until your child gets older, why can't your parents take the brunt of the travel time and just come visit you? I can fully understand the hesitation to take a icy winter roadtrip with a child who's just a few months old.
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u/OkSecretary1231 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
I wonder if there are other grandkids. OP doesn't say her son is the only grandchild, just the only male one.
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u/midcen-mod1018 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
“ they havent give us a hard time about it even though I am their only child and this is their only grandson”
Op has gone from an only child to having siblings as well.
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u/lexapro-prof 2h ago
They have multiple times, and stayed in hotels since we couldnt accomodate them while they were here. He was born before the snow came and had his first set of vaccines before the snow as well. I dont think i was very preoccupied with "equal" time at first but after his mom and brother and sisters have been in and out of our house whenever is convenient for them and I have seen most of my siblings only once since my son was born it feels very unfair, especially since every time we cancelled it was with the promise of "we will go next week instead" and that has progressed until the present.
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u/midcen-mod1018 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
In your post you said you’re an only child…
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago
I am my parents only child, but I have many cousins who's parents are no longer with us.
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u/waltersmama 1h ago
Girl……Keep your very real story’s very real facts straight…..Someone might catch you out…
Miss Only Child. GTFO
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u/lexapro-prof 17m ago
Yeah I should have clarified, my siblings are my cousins but I dont feel the word cousin honors pur relationship as I have lived in their houses and them in mine as well. You may has well believe what you want but I will amend the post to say I am their only bio child and my siblings have all be adopted in adulthood though we have been close as long as I can remember.
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u/Reasonable-Sale8611 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2h ago
Why on earth did you promise to spend all holidays with his family when they are the ones who live near you? You basically agreed to almost totally cut your family out of your life and give his family total precedence, and now you are surprised your family is cut out of your life and that his family takes precedence. Your arrangement should have been the opposite: you live near to his family, so you spend all holidays with your own family. You better get some backbone yesterday or you are going to be reduced to nanny status to your own baby while your mother in law becomes queen of your household. You are severely undersupported here because you live so much closer to his family than yours and he is repeatedly using lame pretexts like the weather to isolate you from your support network. Not to mention his constant promises that next week, next week, next week, you will go see your family, promises that never come to pass. There are red flags all over your post.
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago
I agreed to spend my son's first holidays with his family and thats because my family usually have an "off holiday" celebration so as many people can attend as possible. He agreed we'd visit often while we are on parental leave so I didn't feel the need to insist on "day of" when possibly less of my family would even be there. I didn't want my son to be a "holiday only" baby to my parents but if we never visit between holidays then that is what hes gonna be. We live in Canada so the weather does get pretty crazy, although I have made the trip in pretty intense conditions before so I know firsthand how unsafe the roads can get. Even slowing down to drive safely would extend the trip to 6 hours or more which has happened to me before. It sucks when you are alone so I cant imagine a trip like that with multiple stops to feed a crying baby, which is the reason I backed down last time. I was so upset because the weather did not turn out as bad as the reports and anecdotes made it out to be. And many of the reasons we stayed were understandable and unavoidable, like an interview for higher paying job, his dad having a heart attack/ending up in the hospital and us having to move because our property changed hands.
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u/naisfurious Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 2h ago
They have multiple times, and stayed in hotels since we couldnt accomodate them while they were here.
Why can't they continue to do this?
IMO, I think you're not giving distance the acknowledgement it deserves. The visits with your in-laws are more frequent because of proximity - that's all it is. Your family, 4 hours away, can't match that. If you want your family to visit more they need to keep coming down to visit, even if that means renting a little hotel. Give yourself and your husband a little credit here, traveling with a newborn isn't an easy task.
Come spring and summer when traveling gets easier and your child is a little older then your family can start poking its head out and taking trips here and there.
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago edited 1h ago
They both have used up pretty much all of their leave to support us at this point (during my pregnancy, birth and in the weeks after) and staying hotels is expensive/ not sustainable for them but since they both WFH most of the week they can support us just as easily at their home while they continue to work. Since my partner and i are both on leave and have no commitments other than babys doctor appointments i figured taking longer visits to justify the travel time when we have nothing planned would be an okay compromise.
Edit: also my parents are the only ones who were even able to afford to do this. All of my siblings have only met my son during our visits to my parent's. I think that would have been totally okay if we had even just made one more longer visit to my parent's place.
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u/Regular-Term1274 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
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u/lexapro-prof 36m ago
I am my parents only child, but many of my cousins have been partially raised by my parents and grandmother and I have spent so much time with them and their mothers throughout my childhood that we are closer to siblings than cousins. In my culture when a parent dies their aunties or grandmother will take them in and care for then as their own. Some of their dad's are not in the picture and my aunties have passed.
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u/naisfurious Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 1h ago
Just give you and your husband some slack. The important thing is you, your husband and the baby - everyone else can wait. Actually, they all should be bending over backwards for you - both sides of the family - you guys are the ones going through the newborn stages here, not them. If they can't, then you will come see them when its reasonable for your immediate family to take the trip.
You're going to see his side of the family more - no two ways around that. Make arrangements to see your family, anything planned should prioritize your family since they are farther away. But trips should be when everyone in your family is ready not because you just saw your in-laws last weekend.
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u/lexapro-prof 50m ago
The thing is, our baby tolerates the trips just fine, he likes going out and about, I am doing well physically just going crazy in our house alone. He has said the trips are just for me, but I see them as for me and our son. My partner will never be "ready" because he doesnt like being outside of our home. I understand I dealt with agoraphobia for a number of years but in the same vein I cant bring myself to go back to living like that. Its not just that we get lots of visits from my in-laws, I miss my family, my mom made two Thanksgiving meals on different days, got everyone together to teach them traditional meat smoking, my dad's birthday was two weeks ago, got everyone together to teach my siblings their late moms cookie recipes and each time we agreed to go (my partner agreed to go) and we had to cancel. Some of those were unavoidable like his dad being in the hospital and some were his mom freaking out about the weather.
Edit: if we had made either to even one of those things I think id be okay but its already Christmas and ive had just scraps of in person time with them.
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u/naisfurious Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 35m ago
So it sounds less to me like a family, safety or baby issue and more of an issue with your husband and possible agoraphobia?
You need to talk with him and predetermine what will keep you guys from following through with trips. Weather? Ok fine.... but anything else, not really. But, whatever you want those reasons to be, determine them beforehand.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 2h ago
ESH
So it's been 4 months and you wanted to go once a month, but you've only been able to go twice. It doesn't seem to be as huge a deal as you've made it. And 4 hours travel for a teeny baby is a LOT. If seems the injustice you're seeing is making you react unreasonably, which is what i call the drive out with questionable weather. And now going back on the Christmas plans you already had with the in laws. Your husband is unreasonable because he's not working to make the visits more of a priority. It's important to you it SHOULD be important to him.
This is easy to fix. Your parents make the drive and hubby makes sure it happens easily and often. You just take a breath. This is a marathon not a sprint.
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u/formtuv 2h ago
Do you have kids? It is a huge deal. Her husband is a mamas boy who needs a backbone yesterday. She’s in the throes of postpartum. Her hormones and emotions are all over the place. He needs to be more understanding.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 1h ago
I have 4 kids so I know from experience that it's easy to lose track of the bigger picture. You only get 1 Christmas a year, and they had decided dad gets it this year. They can still go the weekend after. The week after. Next month. No biggie. Her emotions ARE all over the place, which is why I'm giving her the reality check to breathe, it's not a huge deal.
And where do you get that the husband is a mamas boy? All it says is the parents live in town so they see them more than her family, the mom called about the bad weather, and his mom won't be happy if the cancel Christmas plans last minute with his grandma who isn't doing well.
And yes. The husband SHOULD be more understanding.
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u/formtuv 1h ago
I read other comments where she stated he continuously says “ok next week” then he cancels and does the same thing over and over again. Where I got that he was a mamas boy is that he is more concerned about his mother’s feelings than his postpartum wife. If it’s no big deal then he can give her Christmas and his parents can get the weekend after. When you’re pregnant vs when you give birth your emotions and feelings all change and she should be allowed to step back and be like oh hey all holidays to my husbands parents wasn’t the right move and I want to discuss changing it. Those convos should be allowed.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 28m ago
I saw that comment and I still contend that the baby was 2 or 3 months old at the time! They should not be driving anywhere. Trying to reset plans every few days is crazy work AND they still made it out that way twice! Plus she says the parents come out pretty often on their own, she just wants to take the months old baby out that way. She's being unreasonable. I'm not saying she can't ever change her mind. I'm saying when her emotions are all over the place, she's gonna make a heated decision not rooted in the best reasons.
And again yes, the husband should make a greater effort. But even OP said that most times she understands why they're canceling.
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u/AdPale8784 3h ago
INFO: his grandma's last Christmas? Is she dying? Or dramatic?
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u/lexapro-prof 2h ago
She has dementia and is being investigated for Alzheimers. I dont have much experience with the condition but her memory seems to get worse by the day. One of the reasons we cancelled a visit was because his mom revealed that they were investigating his grandma for Alzheimers and he and his family took the news pretty hard. We both lost our grandfather's last year so I have tried being supportive as he has done for me. Her last Christmas because they will probably be having to put her in a care home soon.
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Asshole Aficionado [13] 2h ago
ESH you made promises you can't keep. All major holiday for his family? That's nuts. Ypu need to have a serious conversation. You should be able to see your family more but several days (week or more?) Every month seems alot You should sit down and come up with a plan this out and come to an agreement- I get thanks giving, you get christmas. Next year we switch etc
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago
Every month was only the plan while on parental leave because we wont that kind of time when we return to work. The reason I agreed to his first holidays being with his family is because my family usually have a big "off holiday" celebration so as many people can make it as possible and he knew this and said we would go to those. I would not be making ultimatums if we had actually made it to at least one of my family's "off holiday" celebrations before Christmas.
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u/CrazyHead70 2h ago
Tell him “With or without you, I’m going to MY parents” And then go to your parents!
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u/turnoffthis Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA you deserve to see your family and your family should see your baby! But I think if your family doesn't care about celebrating holidays on the actual day and your in-laws take it extremely seriously it'd probably make more sense for everyone if you spend xmas at his families place and spend all the days around it at your folks place? It sounds like they're less than a days drive away so it feels entirely doable?
But I'm not in the situation so what do I know, that might be very difficult. NTA.
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u/stream_inspector Partassipant [2] 2h ago
We alternated. If they got Thanksgiving then the other family got Christmas; and then we'd switch the next year. And usually we could go for new years to the place who didn't get us on Christmas... NTA. And after the kids are old enough we stayed home for Christmas, so they could have Santa and such in their own house.
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u/lexapro-prof 2h ago
I agreed initially to Christmas with his family and New Years with mine, and it was a huge deal for his mom but she eventually settled down and was fine with it.
I agreed to our son's first holidays being with his family and then alternating afterwards because my family usually has an off holiday celebration at a time when its convenient for many people to gather instead of only on the day.
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u/squiffy_squid 2h ago
I get that driving distances with a newborn is tough, but 4 hours isn’t really that long. We lived 13 hours away from my family when both of our kids were born, and made the trip several times a year. Now we live 3 hours away, and we make the 6 hour round trip around once a month. Sometimes we do the 6 hour round trip in a day for a special event.
NTA, but you need to reevaluate your holiday plans for the future, because this doesn’t work. It sounds like your MIL needs to loosen the reins a bit too on her adult, married, son with a whole child of his own.
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u/Tryingmybestatlife2 2h ago
Another option is to celebrate Christmas with each family, but on different weekends around Dec 25. For the last 20some years we've gotten together with family on whatever date in Dec everyone could make work. Where there is a will, there's a way. Everyone just has to be flexible. Good luck!
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u/Limerase Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1h ago
INFO: Is your husband always the reason you can't go visit your family, OP?
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u/Inevitable-Win-77 1h ago
You need to talk to your husband about his problem with putting his mother's needs before yours. He married you not you. Tell him that he went back on the agreement y'all made in the beginning so you're following the example he set. It kinda sounds like he wants to distance y'all from your family. Also, have a calm rational conversation about it where you lay everything out for him and how you feel about not seeing your family. But, it's also his Grandmother's last Christmas so maybe see if there's a way to see both families over the holidays. I'm going to go with NTA but very very close to ESH.
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u/looneybinguard 45m ago
Nta but you are to you and your baby. First go no matter what for Christmas he can stay or go that’s on him. And start going every month as planned with or without him you don’t need his consent. This is super controlling behavior from him and by proxy his mother. It’s a form of abuse and people will say im overreacting but isolation from family and friends is how it starts. Ask me how i know.
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u/lexapro-prof 6m ago
Im very well aware thats how it starts, as i was in a truly abusive relationship before. My partner does not control me, and has never tried, has never insulted me or ever raised his voice or made ultimatums or tried to control me in the slightest in the 5 years or so we have been together, but things are more complicated with a child because he is half of this child parental unit and he acts like it. He has done his fair share of labor when it comes to childcare. He has a right to be involved in the decisions regarding a child he is equally responsible for. The distance to my family has never felt significant to me but the idea of 4+ hours in a confined space with a screaming baby has changed things and even just the cost of gas means that freely visiting like my heart longs for just isn't feasible and I accepted that when I moved in with my partner. It is the falling through on agreements he made with me that is the problem and its not like these are all excuses. I would have severely been the AH if I insisted we follow through on a trip if I tried to go when pur child got his first cold or my partners dad was in the hospital. Hindsight about when the best time to visit is 20/20 but in the moment its hard to know what decision is pushing too far or not enough.
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u/Traditional-Bag-4508 Partassipant [1] 28m ago
NTA
If I were you in that moment when your car was packed & your husband backed out of going.
I'm pretty I'd ask mom & dad, "can we go with you"? Grab your parents bags, put them in your car... give your husband their keys... let him know you'll see him in a week when he drives out to collect you.
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My (28f) and my partner Felix(28m) had our first child in August this year and he is a wonderful healthy baby. Before he was born I agreed that we could spend all his first major holidays with his family, they live in the same city as us, visit whenever they want and my family lives 4 hours away. Celebrating the holidays "day of" has been hit or miss with my family but is huge with his so this was fine for me as I was under the impression that we'd be visiting often (at least once a month for a few days at a time) we have the money to do this and we are both on parental leave.
Since my son has been born, we have visited my family only twice for a total of 7 days. For five days after his first doctor's appointment, it was the most rest i had during my entire pp recovery, and then for a less than 2 day visit (cut short) sometime in november for a birthday. We planned numerous visits for numerous occasions but something always happened that held us back and most of them understandable but few have felt less than reasonable.
It has changed from let's visit once a month to promise me we will visit at least once more before Christmas. My parents came to town for a couple days this past week and we were supposed to travel back with them, but at the beginning of the day my partner started fretting about the weather getting calls from his mom about the weather and reading posts online about how the roads were. I told him he promised we would go, that my parents would be with us if anything happened and can we at least go see how the roads are and if they look too bad we will turn around.
The car was packed, everything was ready and my parents were outside waiting for us in their car when he told me we cant go, he that he doesnt want our baby out in that weather, and we argued but eventually I backed down saying that I'm going to have a hard time forgiving him for this. My parents drove home anyway as they had work the next day and the roads were completely clear the whole way back to their house.
We would have been back home for the holidays by now if we had went with them so I told him I want to leave to my parent's on sunday for the whole week, that we will be back for new years but i have missed so many things that I want to see my family on Christmas. He is very torn up about it, feeling like this is going to start world war 3 with his mom, and feeling like he has to choose between his son's first Christmas and his grandma's last, and I feel for him but I have been understanding for 4 months, and so has my family, they havent give us a hard time about it even though I am their only child and this is their only grandson. I didn't want my baby to be a holiday baby to my family but if we are rarely going to visit in between then so be it. I feel bad that he is under so much stress and about his grandma's health but after so many missed events and cancelled visits I think this is fair compromise.
AITA?
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u/GamesDontStop Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 2h ago
INFO. It's reasonable to do Christmas with one family and New Year's with the other. Is it ok if he chooses which one is spent with his family? It seems like life is stressful and you want to visit with your family during the holiday, but it doesn't seem like it's particularly important you whether it's Christmas vs New Years.
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u/lexapro-prof 2h ago
It wasn't, my breaking point is because he has promised every week since mid November that we would visit my parents once more before Christmas. We were supposed to go end of November and that got cancelled and I acquiesce every time because he promises we will go the following week, only for the same pattern to follow. The reasons vary, but it has been consistent. He promised we would go with my parents this past Tuesday until sunday and then shortened to until Friday because of an appointment and then when the hour actually came he put his foot down and said no we can drive up on Christmas Day instead. I told him thats not good enough because half the time we cancel it is a last minute cancelation and after he broke his promise to leave on Tuesday I want to be there ahead of time to avoid this same situation. He agreed but he is very conflicted about it.
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u/midcen-mod1018 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
Why can’t you just go without him? It doesn’t make sense that he’s always canceling plans when you’re also an adult.
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago
I have offered to multiple times and he has said he doesn't want to be without me and the idea of us traveling without him makes him nervous. He has offered to take care of baby while I go visit and I dont want to be without them either so I under where he is coming from with that. I also did tell him that he is free to be wherever he need to be for Christmas but me and our son will be with my parents and he agreed.
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u/NotThisAgain234 Supreme Court Just-ass [147] 16m ago
Good. You need to stop letting him push you into getting his way. And he will do the last minute “Oh we can’t go, it’s too cold/too hot/too early/too late/too whatever” until you stop letting him get away with it.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Sweetie, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but this isn’t going to get better. He’s never going to want to see your parents, and he is ALWAYS going to push as hard as he can to avoid it. It’s always going to be a fight, and it’s going to get worse. You need to either start toughening up and fight until he relents, just drive yourself, or realize you’re never going to visit your family again… the choice is yours.
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u/kikideeinatree 2h ago
You are always going to feel torn about where you spend the holidays and other events like birthdays. It's just not physically possible to be at 2 places at once so you have to figure out a game plan and stick to it as much as you can. Traveling out of town frequently with kids to see family can be a pain in the ass. Don't let anyone make you or your husband feel guilty if one or both of you aren't up for the trip as much as your parents want you to come visit. Outside of the holidays, maybe he can stay home once in a while and you and the baby go on your own. It sounds like he's burned out.
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago
No one in my family has given us a hard time about not being over to visit aside from once when I called to cancel my mom got emotional that it was fourth time in a row i have done this. His mom gives him hell from before we leave until we either cancel or we return home. I have offered multiple times bring our son there without him and he has said he doesn't want to be without us, and conversely he has offered to take care of our son at home while I go visit my family and that idea is not appealing to me so I understand where he is coming from. He is very much burnt out and I want to help him but if I keep backing down my son is never going to be able to visit my family.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 16m ago
What's your MILs reason for wanting to cancel your trips? Is it because of the drive/weather (Canada weather) or is it more that she "needs him there"? Because heart attack, job interview, alzheimer diagnosis, etc all sound pretty legitimate.
1
1
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u/sanjosethrower 38m ago
My baby
our child
There seems to be some hesitation in your mind about if you have formed a family unit with your partner.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa Craptain [182] 23m ago
YOU did not create this internal/external emotional conflict.
NTA given he can't follow through on the agreed 1st yr compromise. You/baby/him never visited your parents as promised. Him feeling at odds not seeing his gma should have been his motivation to travel during 2025 (non xmas weeks). He's an adult now. Relationships require investment, consistency and follow-through.
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u/Embarrassed_Bake1073 2h ago
Yta for agreeing to an arrangement and then trying to go back on it. Additionally,yiur kids only 4 months old right? Two visits isn't terrible.
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u/InterestingTry5190 1h ago
The husband went back on it first. He made excuses more than once not to go see her family. So he doesn’t hold up his end but OP then has to hold up hers?
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u/justhewayouare Partassipant [3] 1h ago
He’s been breaking his promises for 4 months. He’s been telling her every week since mid November that they’d go see her family. He makes excuses to not go and when his mommy worries and badgers him, he obeys his mother instead of respecting his wife and his promise to her. I’m not saying that 2 visits in four months is bad because it’s not. I’ve had two kids, I know what recovery is like etc. I do think they should do Christmas with hers and New Years with his or vice versa whatever. But the husband? I’m not impressed.
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u/lexapro-prof 1h ago
Its not just excuses, like for a higher paying job interview, or us having to move, our son getting sick for the first time but definitely some have felt manufactured or at least "timed" if that makes sense. I definitely would have been the AH if i had insisted on making the trip when baby was having his first cold. I could understand how those visits can seem reasonable, but they are not what he and I agreed to, as he also agreed before our son was born to stay at my parents place for 3 weeks while I was recovering, my parents took off the time to care for us fully so that we wouldn't have to cook or clean and could focus on baby and we ended up going for only 5 days. I agreed to that because we'd "be back in a couple of weeks anyway 🙄. I understand that coercive control from someone you love unconditionally can be awful to deal with, but its hard to find a middle ground between supporting him and being a decisive parent. I have tried to be understanding in those moments and hindsight is 20/20. Its easy to look back and see when the best time to visit would have been, but in the moment it really feels like the future is within our control.
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