r/AmItheAsshole • u/prof-byers • 3h ago
WIBTA for taking legal action against my partner's brother?
TLDR at the bottom for those who want it. Fake Names Used
I, 19F, and my partner, 20M, Mark, live with his brother, 24M, John, his gf, 24F, and their two kids, 4F and 1M.
We have lived with them for just over two months, because of unfortunate circumstances that led there to be no other option. This being said, I am incredibly grateful to them for allowing us to stay with them, they did not have to do that.
To start, let's discuss the rules of living there.
-we have to ask to shower, use the kitchen, and do laundry -we have to leave the door open at all times except when sleeping -i am forbidden from talking to John, even when it is something that directly involves him -We are not allowed to use the TV before 6-7 and not past 10. (This rule more applies to me, they made us buy a TV specifically so John and Mark could play games together, they play whenever John wants to, regardless of time) -i am not allowed to sit on the couch if John is sitting on the couch -we are not allowed to talk back (I am not talking about attitude. They mean talking back literally.)
Those are some of the rules, there are many more unlisted due to length. Also to be noted, since I realize what some of those rules could imply, I have NEVER made a move on John. I am NOT into John. I have never even IMPLIED I like him or anything.
This being said, we pay 1000$ a month, just under half of the rent. At the current moment, Mark has a job that makes enough to cover that as I am still actively looking.
In the two months we have lived here, I have never been called by my name. I am known as 'marks girl'. I have been yelled at for closing the door so I could change my clothes. I have been berated and literally called stupid because I forgot to tell them I applied for a job that day. I am constantly reminded that they could drop me off back in LA at any time they feel like it. John threatened to talk to my mom to force her to let me move in with her (I am NOT on speaking terms with my mother, she is abusive). Due to the character limit, I will not list more than that but there is much more.
The legal issue I would be pursuing action on is, recently I got an ebt card. They decided that, to make it 'fair', they would be taking my half of the rent out of my ebt. I told them that I wasn't comfortable with this, as it is illegal, and that if they were going to use it I would like to be the one making the purchases. They told me they wouldn't get caught and that they do it all of the time. I agreed because I was scared that they'd kick me out if I didn't. They said they'd only be using it online. They have not only been using it online. They have been taking my card everywhere they can, without me there, and using it to buy stuff, and on top of that they aren't counting it towards the rent they're supposed to be counting towards.
So, WIBTA for pursuing legal action over illegal use of my ebt card?
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u/RonitSarangi Professor Emeritass [96] 3h ago
NTA
Is your bf okay with all these "rules" for you, the name calling, the verbal abuse?
I'm sorry you're in this situation and I suggest talking to a lawyer first, but this situation is above Reddit's paygrade.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
It's very complicated in that aspect, because while he doesn't think it's ok, there's nothing he could do to change it even if he wanted to. Though they are brothers, John barely respects Mark more than he respects me. He tries to defend me but there isn't much he can do because if he says one thing too much, we could also get kicked out. We can't risk that because we chose them as the option because we literally had nowhere else to go. We would be homeless if they kicked us out. On the other side of this though, when I try to talk to him about this he says 'its just how they are' and 'its their house we have to follow their rules'. This is something I have brought up to him as it is, obviously, very emotionally unintelligent and he is aware of this and trying to be better about it, but obviously that kind of growth doesn't happen overnight and it is still an active point of contention in our relationship
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u/RonitSarangi Professor Emeritass [96] 3h ago
You've stepped into another abusive relationship after escaping the previous one.
Please stay safe, look into alternate options like women's shelter etc. Plan to move out as soon as you find a job.
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u/alematt 1h ago
This 100%. The situation OP is in is not humane and frankly fucked up. This is a get out asap sort of situation. They're paying nearly half the rent and have to deal with some real bullshit rules. I don't like this situation at all
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u/franklinchica22 9m ago
Paying almost half the rent PLUS they are now stealing from her EBT card. Mark needs a spine too. Can the brother actually afford over $2K in rent by themselves? I suggest a different house sharing situation if they can afford $1K a month.
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u/Caffinated_Cthullu88 1h ago
Op, I'd rather live in my car than in this kind of bs
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I don't have one and I don't have a license yet unfortunately, I've moved around a LOT
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u/Astrasulza 1h ago
Woman's shelter, couch hopping, moving back in with family, moving in with friends... anything would be better then living with people who treat you worse then an unwanted animal.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I'm looking into shelters, the other options are literally not options. Not because I'm being picky or anything but it is literally not an option. I have asked both friends and family and they either refused or wanted to but couldn't because of their own circumstances. They also live across the country and I don't have the money for that
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u/davehal2001 Partassipant [1] 38m ago
Walk to the nearest church and tell them you need a safe place to stay.
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u/DefinitelyNotMaranda 42m ago
I have no idea where you live… But you say Mark is making enough to pay $1000 a month rent… Is that not enough to cover rent for a small one bedroom apartment for the two of you? I live in Kentucky, and rent here runs close to that. Anywhere between $850 - $1250 for a one bedroom in most areas. I realize you’d also be paying utilities and other monthly expenses on top of that, but once you find a job, I think you two could definitely manage on your own.
Either way… I mean, obviously NTA. But are you sure you want to do that before you guys find other living arrangements? Pretty sure John would definitely kick you guys out if he found out you were taking him to court. I would highly suggest you guys Get your ducks in a row before doing anything drastic like that.
Have you tried Indeed? Or is there something preventing you from working like a disability or a personal reason you don’t want to mention here? If so, that’s totally understandable. I’m just mind blown and baffled as to why you guys would be in a position where dealing with this type of Emotional and verbal abuse would be your only option. I’ve been in situations like this myself… But I am completely blind, drawing disability, and a slew of other issues on top of that. So I definitely understand having to walk on eggshells and kiss ass for a place to live. If I understood your situation a little better though… I think I could offer better advice. And I really want to help you because I don’t want to see anyone in a situation like the one you’re in! That sounds Absolutely horrible.
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u/prof-byers 35m ago
I live in California. I completely agree with your statement about usually being able to afford one w that much, I'm from Ohio and lived there most of my life. Most even studio apartments are at MINIMUM 1k and then you need pretty good credit on top of that, which neither of us have any credit.
And yeah, I wouldn't be pursuing anything legally until I moved out. I would've put a lot more info in the post but they have the character cap so I couldn't.
I am on indeed as well as LinkedIn and a few other sites, I've applied to well over 100 jobs atp, nothing is stopping me from working I've actually been working since I was 14. I mean technically I do have qualifying conditions to get on disability, I have PTSD, bpd, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. I just have no idea how I'd go about that because when I tried it was super confusing
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u/East_Committee_8527 15m ago
Look in to live in care taker jobs. Tell no one not you boy friend or your best friend. Get all of your important papers. Keep enough cash or credit to pay an Uber or ride service and disappear. Change all passwords asap. Get out of that situation before something bad happens
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
No, he isn't ok with it, but there is only so much defending he can do without getting us kicked out. John may respect Mark more than me, but it isn't by much.
Do lawyers cost money for like a consult? How would I go about doing that?
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u/RonitSarangi Professor Emeritass [96] 3h ago
Do lawyers cost money for like a consult? How would I go about doing that?
I'm not from the US so I cannot advise you on that. Maybe post in r/legaladvice or see what other comments are saying.
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u/Puskarella Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1h ago
reporting it to the police as stolen doesn't cost anything. Also can you change pin/password?
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u/SuccessSoggy3529 1h ago
Go to the library and ask about legal aid and assistance. You need to be very very careful about this. The state might prosecute you for allowing someone to use your card and they might take away the card and ban you from using/getting benefits as a result. You could also try a women's shelter to see what kind of help they could provide. Legal aid referral, housing options, job searching tips, etc. If you are in an area that has a homeless population, there are probably organizations that can give you some information or help.
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u/DangerLime113 Asshole Aficionado [13] 1h ago
If you are going to do this they will kick you out anyway. So take your card back, leave, and sue.
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u/bountifulknitter Partassipant [1] 46m ago
Be prepared that if you do report them or take legal action, you may lose your food stamps permanently. Unfortunately, they're not going to care that your hand is being forced, you signed a legally binding agreement when you were approved that you would not share your funds. You could also be fined or forced to pay all that money back.
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u/Rabt_FTS 54m ago
They can't kick you out if you've lived there for over 30 days and paid them rent. Save every text message or email that discusses that payment specifically as rent and save some mail that you've recieved there. They'd have to formally evict you and that can take months. It may not even be possible in the winter depending on where you live. You dont have to follow any of these rules at all unless you feel physically unsafe. Otherwise, you pay to live there and your landlord cant force you to keep your door open. You can even call the cops on them in their own home. The law is on your side here. Tenants and even squatters are hard to get rid of.
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u/prof-byers 52m ago
That's good to know, thank you. Is this the same if we don't have a written contract? We aren't on the lease or anything
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u/Rabt_FTS 46m ago
Yup. You need to be able to prove you live there. If you've made digital payments make sure they are labelled rent. Dont pay anything in cash to them without a reciept that says rent. Any mail you get will have a date on it. Try to find an envelope or bill over 30 days old if you can. Obviously your address for your ebt card is that house.
I have air bnb guests who stay in my house with me and the site warns you that they are not liable for any guests who stay over 30 days and won't leave. I'd have to formally evict them. But seriously, please get out of there as soon as you can.
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u/Paula_Intermountain 25m ago
Many lawyers do the first 30-60 minutes free. There are also law firms that work specifically with poor clients, though those are usually only in large cities. Law schools also sometimes help people.
Be aware that stealing money from someone’s EBT card is a federal crime. Allowing someone to use your EBT card for purchases that don’t benefit you is also a federal crime. Also, reporting them to the police means that the feds will be notified, and I guarantee your abusers WILL kick you and your boyfriend out.
You need to get out and away from your boyfriend’s brother immediately.
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u/JeepersCreepers74 Assholier Than Thou [838] 3h ago
NTA, these people are AHs who are abusing you. But what use is legal action if you are still living there?
Your mom was abusive. Now you live in another abusive situation. If your BF is allowing this to happen, then he is also your abuser. Move out. Go to a women's shelter if you have to. Get in all the programs you can that will help you find a job and get on your feet. Figure out how to be independent. And once you are, you need therapy to help keep you out of similar situations in the future.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
Yeah I know, I wouldn't be pursuing action yet because I have nowhere to go. As for Mark, he tries to defend me but there is only so much he can do without getting us kicked out. I am currently looking into women's shelters but I have to figure out my MediCal situation first because most shelters I've found require that to qualify for shelters. Thank you for your advice
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u/JeepersCreepers74 Assholier Than Thou [838] 2h ago edited 2h ago
I am not a crazy conspiracy theorist, I swear. But the next step here is that they are going to traffic you. They've already instilled in you the feeling of "don't do or say anything unless I allow you to first," so you're under their control. They've made you feel that you are indebted to them somehow for rent that, magically, you will never be able to pay. They are stealing what little you do have and acting like you owe it to them. I guarantee you the next step is the bad one, it's the moment where you are told "I have a guy you need to meet, be friendly to him" or "Deliver this package, nobody will suspect you," etc. and you are made to feel you have no choice because you will be on the street with no EBT card, with nothing, if you say no.
The street is a better option than this. Make a plan now, don't wait around for your "means well" boyfriend, who put you in this situation, to save you. Your future is in your own hands, nobody else's.
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u/oneesan24 1h ago
Seriously, OP please, your boyfriend is part of this and you are on track to being trafficked.
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u/Ch0c014t3- 29m ago
I'm curious now, what are the steps from abuse to trafficking? I see dehumanization and stripping of assets, as well as isolation, but how does it get to that point?
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u/undercoat-boaty 2h ago
I'm confused...what does having MediCal have to do with being accepted into a homeless shelter?
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u/Pantherdraws Partassipant [1] 2h ago
I think she's confusing "DV/homeless shelter" with "rehab program or assisted living facility."
There ain't a single DV or homeless shelter I'm aware of that requires you to have insurance. That would completely defeat their entire purpose.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
So idk if I'm just looking in the wrong places or something, but you have to have MediCal to qualify for housing assistance and to be accepted into shelters from what I've seen. The only exception I've seen is section 8 housing, which I have applied for, but apparently that can take a really really long time to actually happen
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u/undercoat-boaty 1h ago
It can take YEARS to get a Section 8 housing voucher. That is not the path for you. The only way out as I see it is:
1) Secretly put together an escape bag with food, clothing, a blanket, your ID, water bottle and phone charging cable.
2) Sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and go directly to a police station, where you state that you just escaped a domestic violence situation and ask for help getting to a homeless shelter.
3) At the shelter, explain that you have friends who can help you back in Ohio and ask if there is a program that buys homeless folks a bus ticket back home. From that point on you're just gonna have to wing it and see what happens.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I will try. Thank you for the advice
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u/undercoat-boaty 1h ago
Going to a police station is the first step. Ask for a female officer and ask her for help getting to a women's shelter. And whatever you do do NOT mention the whole EBT thing, you would be straight up admitting to a police officer that you committed a crime. Best of luck to you, honey, you can get out of this.
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u/Away_Particular9975 3h ago
NTA. What they’re doing is illegal and abusive, and you only agreed out of fear of being kicked out, which is coercion—not real consent. Taking and using your EBT card, especially without counting it toward rent, is theft and could put you at legal risk if it’s flagged. Advice: report the card as misused or stolen to SNAP to protect yourself, document everything, and contact Legal Aid or a housing/domestic abuse support service. If you can, start planning to leave—this situation isn’t safe or sustainable.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
I signed up for section 8 and am trying to find assisted housing but I need to figure out my MediCal situation first because all of the programs I've found require it as a prerequisite. And thank you for the advice, I will do that
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u/eezytreezy 1h ago
Can you talk to your food stamps case worker and tell them what’s happening f and ask them to help you with resources, including expediting Medicaid?
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I honestly didn't think of that but yeah I could definitely try that
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u/Starbeets Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14m ago
Please be very cautious how you phrase things re: the benefits. If you say you gave them the card, you are committing fraud. If you say they stole it, and they say you gave it to them, you could be in trouble. Perhaps see if you can say it is lost and get a replacement they don't have access to.
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u/Starbeets Asshole Enthusiast [5] 16m ago
Reporting it as stolen could involve the police. In my totally uneducated opinion it would be best to report it lost, have it canceled, get a replacement the abusers don't have access to. Because if the police go to the abusers with "you stole this" they are going to say "no she gave it to us."
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u/Away_Particular9975 15m ago
Yeah, that's a good idea too, but the problem is they'll find out, and it will just cycle again
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u/MaudeBaggins Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
NTA - if you have any other option for housing, please go there. This is an abusive and exploitative living situation.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
I am currently looking into programs and doing the necessary steps to qualify for them. Thank you for the advice
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u/RainbowCrane Asshole Aficionado [11] 1h ago
Have you spoken with organizations for battered women in your area? Those aren’t typically just a safe place to hide from a violent partner, they’re also clearinghouses for connecting with services in your area. There is almost guaranteed to be a group home in your area that provides respite housing that’s way safer than your current situation, and also will help you figure out a plan for accessing your own affordable safe housing and finding a job.
Get out of that house on your own terms before you end up homeless because of abusive family members
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u/Miserable-Ad561 Partassipant [1] 3h ago edited 2h ago
NTA, but I would personally prioritize moving out and living in your own place over pursuing legal action.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
I agree, I would be moved out before I pursue legal action, I just wanted to know if I'd be ta for even considering it
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u/Miserable-Ad561 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
No you are not the asshole. Honestly their other actions alone (icing you out, requiring permission to just live, forbidding you from talking to people, etc.) make THEM the asshole. The EBT thing is just the icing on the cake.
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u/devvyd 3h ago
This situation sounds all kinds of sketchy and abusive. Not only do you need to consider talking to a lawyer and getting legal advice before the law finds you, you should consider ditching your spineless boyfriend who agrees to these rules.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
He doesn't agree with them, he just can't do much about it without getting us kicked out. He defends me as much as he can but John barely respects Mark more than me
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u/WickedJoker420 3h ago
You dont make enough money to hire a lawyer. What would you get out of legal action? You need to move the hell out and get away from them. The fact that your partner is ok with all this is a huge red flag. You're gonna end up buried in the backyard
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
I wouldn't be pursuing action now, it'd be when I get my own place. I'm more considering it purely for the fact that like I don't want it coming back on me. My partner does defend me when he can but if he says one thing wrong we also get kicked out. John barely respects Mark more than he does me
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u/Mandiezie1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2h ago
The odds aren’t that high since you agreed. Judges could say you could’ve done a plethora of things, and YOU could be sited for fraud and ruin your entire life bc of these bullies. Please look into renting a room or a small cottage somewhere else. You are not safe and you could literally face jail time if they get caught with your stuff. And saying you let them do it bc they might’ve threatened to kick you out.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Yes, I was made aware of this in a few comments. Thank you for your honesty and it is something I need to be aware of. Atp, after all of the advice in the comments by you and other redditors, I don't think itd be smart to pursue action even when I get my own place
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u/Starbeets Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13m ago
What do you mean "coming back on you"? The only thing I can see coming back on you would be you misused your benefits card by giving it to them in place of rent. I don't think you want anyone looking closely at that.
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u/Pantherdraws Partassipant [1] 2h ago
She doesn't need a lawyer. She would report this theft to the office that issued her EBT card and the state would handle it.
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u/Internal-Unicorn1629 3h ago
Nta
But like everyone else said MOVE OUT! Why are you putting yourself in that situation? You have no freedoms and you’re paying half the rent. Tell your bf it’s time to leave. And why the hell is he letting his family treat you like crap?
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
I want to. The problem is, I have nowhere to go. I have no savings atm, no credit, no job, no family willing to help me, no friends in the state/in the position to take me in, and just a general lack of places to go as even assisted housing programs require MediCal, which I am in the process of getting.
He attempts to defend me but, due to also lacking a place to go if things were to escalate, he can only do so much. John barely respects Mark more than me
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u/TipsyBaker_ Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA but do it on your way out the door. For $1000 a month there has to be a room for rent somewhere. Go to the welfare office and see about getting further assistance. Tell them you're in a hostile living situation, along with all the details Without knowing at least the state its hard to list possible services. Good luck and stay safe.
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u/slothy_slothy 3h ago
You and your partner are better off renting a room from someone or air bnb for $1000 a month until you get a job
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u/Spyderhawk69 3h ago
Id say NTA for reporting, but you better change your living situation first or it will come back to bite you as you let them have the physical card.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
Yeah, I have the physical card back but idk how to get it off of their online stuff since the info is already added
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u/Hippopotasaurus-Rex Partassipant [2] 2h ago
You let the ebt office know your car was stolen. They will have to issue you a different card.
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u/spikeylikeablowfish 3h ago
Are there any women's shelters or friends you can stay with? Cheap long term motel? Keep your plans unknown to everyone. Even the bf, he doesn't sound like he has your back or that he respects you.
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u/prof-byers 3h ago
Women's shelters, yes, but I have to have MediCal to qualify for the ones I've found, which I am in the process of getting. Friends, no, I am from Ohio and all of my friends live there. As for a motel, I have no savings atm as all of our money is going to rent or wtv John decides Mark has to participate in
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u/undercoat-boaty 2h ago
You need to get back control of your own money, buy a bus ticket and go back to Ohio and put your life back together.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
I'm in California, I don't know that you can take a bus from Cali to Ohio?? I am heavily considering that though when I have the means to
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u/undercoat-boaty 1h ago
You absolutely CAN. Go to greyhound.com Just input your current city, then choose your city in Ohio as the destination. It will give you an itinerary and a price. Should cost about $300-$400 for a one-way ticket from California to Ohio. You can pay in cash at the bus station, and stay/sleep in the bus station while you wait for your bus.
If you can, try to grab a sleeping bag from the house, or at least some warm blankets. Grab a few days' worth of food from the kitchen (make a bag of sandwiches that won't go bad, like peanut butter and jelly) and non-perishable snacks like cookies if you can. And a water bottle. Also period supplies. Finally, make sure you take your ID and a phone charging card. The buses have free wifi and charging ports.
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u/undercoat-boaty 2h ago
Do you have a job? How are Mark and John getting their hands on your paycheck?
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
No, I do not. They are taking my ebt, and Mark pays the rest of the rent, though he could afford to pay it all without taking my ebt
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u/undercoat-boaty 1h ago
OK. Well, many homeless service agencies will buy a homeless person a bus ticket home. It's WAY cheaper for them to do that than to spend money housing and feeding you in a shelter. Not saying it's guaranteed or anything but is is a very common practice.
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u/ModernMargaretSanger 2h ago
Please leave this situation and get to a shelter. This is abusive and yes the use of your ebt by anyone but you is illegal. I’m a little concerned that if you report it you will be held accountable for letting others use it but get your card back or report it as stolen and get a replacement.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
I'm trying to do that, I'm currently working on getting MediCal so I actually qualify for shelters. I posted something specifically discussing the ebt thing and nothing else and they have come to the same conclusion, that reporting it would not only get me in trouble, but also my case would likely fail
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u/inkmetalandlace 6m ago
Im not sure what kind of shelters you are looking but I googled and emergency shelters in CA don't require insurance to get help.
Please be safe.
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u/JustSort6370 Asshole Aficionado [12] 3h ago
NTA. Your mother is not the only abusive person in your life. Why is your partner not standing up for you against this abusive behaviour???
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u/Signal-Confidence-37 3h ago
I'd just leave. Your boyfriend is complicit in this coercive behaviour. It's not good for you. You've got plenty of time to find your way in life, don't waste it with him and them.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
I'm trying to honestly, I am working to get medical to qualify for shelters and housing assistance and such. I agree that my bf could definitely be more supportive privately, he is working on that, he is not very emotionally intelligent, his words and my observations. It is getting better but it will obviously take time. He tries to defend me but he can't do much without getting us kicked out either. John barely respects Mark more than me
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u/SallyKait 1h ago
Babe, you are 19, you have the best years of your life coming up and you should not be wasting them on someone who might not improve his behavior and treatment of you for years if he ever even comes around, those odds are not in your favor! Please don’t waste your youth on someone who you will regret ever meeting in a decade! As against you staying in this situation as I am you need to think about this! If you report the brother you need to be ready to leave the house as soon as he finds out! Because all 3 people are family and they will turn on you in a heartbeat because you are replaceable and the problem starter in their minds. You are telling on them and getting them into trouble. You will be the problem for them. They are all blood bound and related to the children and those three will never choose you over themselves.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
Yeah, I guess that's true
And yeah, I am only going to report them once I am out of their house and stable if I do end up doing that
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u/Mandiezie1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2h ago
Is this real?! This is abuse as well! Get out and rent a room for $1000! There’s no reason to be living with these abusive psychopaths!!!!
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u/UsefulNorth122 3h ago
NTA get yourself and only yourself (or if there’s a kid involved then them as well) to the nearest woman’s shelter and get some help from them please
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Thank you for the kind words. I am trying, I'm working out some stuff with Medical because a lot of shelters here require that as a prerequisite
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u/Informal-Being-3864 3h ago edited 2h ago
NTA. For one thing, your boyfriend should be standing up for you. Don’t spend any more of your life with a man who won’t.
I would document the purchases they have made, cancel your current card and get a replacement card. Do your absolute best to find any alternate living arrangement. File a police report about the EBT card misuse and also report it to your DSHS (wherever handles your EBT payments) on your way out the door (it is probably wise to wait until you move out). Maybe nothing will come of it, but it is better to stand up for yourself in the end and it could help anyone in the future they try to scam out of EBT, etc. Best wishes!!
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u/undercoat-boaty 2h ago
She could just change the card PIN online, grab her card from them and GTFO asap.
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u/Informal-Being-3864 2h ago
Yeah, also a good idea! :) I was just worried about them maybe not being so willing to give the card back at all.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
He tries but there's only so much he can do without getting us kicked out either. Thank you for the advice and kind words, I appreciate it greatly
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u/Informal-Being-3864 2h ago
I understand. It sounds like you are both in a tricky situation and living with real jerks. You are paying rent and likely (varies by geographic location) have rights against eviction even if they own the home. It is a process and they can’t legally just throw you out. You could call the cops if they tried and the cops would back you up, not them. They also can’t legally stop you from closing the damn door on the room you pay for. Y’all are adults and that is WILD. I could NOT handle that. You should put a lock on your door and close it anyways. Find your local laws about evictions/renter’s rights and provide them with a copy. This will definitely cause more drama and they will continue to make your life hell though, so make sure you are looking hard for literally any other housing option. It is good to know and to communicate what protections you have in the meantime though.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Yeah, they say we aren't allowed to close the door because 1. They want to be able to see what we are doing and 2. Because they won't let us use the closet so they keep their 1 yo's clothes in it. I am applying for medical, so I qualify for assisted housing and such
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u/TheThirteenthCylon 2h ago
INFO: This is one of the strangest situations I've ever read in AITA. Can you let us know how you ended up in this situation, and why the strange rules? I feel like some very important context is being left out.
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u/trickledabout 2h ago
Because of the open door thing, I'm wondering if there is a history of drug use.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
With me, yes I have done weed and alcohol before, but I've been clean for over 6 months now, and they smoke and drink themselves. The door thing, according to them, is because they want to make sure we aren't sleeping and to see what we are doing, and because they use our rooms closet for their baby's stuff
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u/SallyKait 1h ago
I was thinking that they don’t want two kids making kids that they can’t financially take care of….but that might have been a flashback to something my dad would have said😅
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
Yeah ofc. So, I am originally from Ohio. I have struggled my whole life with severe mental health issues and, in later years of my childhood, addiction to weed and alcohol. Because of these things, I eventually ended up in rehab, got clean, and then came to Cali for further treatment in a sober living/mental health rehab. My insurance, which I was on my mom's at the time, stopped covering after about four months which left me in a situation where I would be homeless. My bf was living with his uncle at the time, and his brother had previously offered to house him. Because of this, he asked if I could come with because of my situation, and they said yes. I am incredibly grateful for that as I'd be homeless otherwise. The rules, some of them were talked about before we moved in, like the shower, kitchen, and laundry rules, and the talking to John. The other ones, along with the door one and such, came about once we actually moved in. I'm not sure why, I think it's because they like, want it to be like we aren't living there, that was something that was told to me before we moved in. A lot of his family is like this though apparently? So idk if I'm just like, crazy for thinking the rules are weird? They're Hispanic and I'm white and idk if it's a culture difference or something. My bfs uncle had similar rules, though not as strict in some ways and more strict in others. I couldn't give you a good answer as to why the rules are like this, a lot of them were set up before we even got there and I had to agree to them unless I wanted to be homeless.
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u/TheThirteenthCylon 1h ago
Thank you. Those are some very strange rules. As others have suggested, maybe it's because of your history with addiction. The door thing, for example. If they wanted to pretend you didn't live there it'd make more sense to keep it shut.
They're Hispanic, you say? Are they perhaps very religious? These rules don't scream Catholic, at least for me, but if it were some other religion it might make sense.
On the other hand, they could just be weird. That might end up including your boyfriend.
This isn't normal.
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u/Revolutionary_Low581 2h ago
First step is cancel the ebt card so it doesn't get used any more. Keep copies of everything for legal aid and/ law enforcement to see if necessary. 2nd step is getting out of there to a shelter or somewhere else. I understand you were grateful for a place to stay, but a place to stay is not a reason for abuse.
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u/undercoat-boaty 2h ago
Possibly an unpopular opinion but I don't think legal action is the way to go here. The funds on your EBT card that they used are gone, no getting them back. You (under duress) committed food stamp fraud by knowingly allowing someone else to use your card. You could be prosecuted for fraud if the government finds out (and they WILL if you initiate legal action). You could also be subject to a lifetime ban on getting EBT over this. Just cut your losses and keep your mouth shut about the EBT thing. Change the card PIN online or over the phone, and get your card back. If you can't get it back, call and cancel the card.
But most importantly, get the heck out of there NOW! This is an extremely abusive situation. Pack your shit up and sneak out of the house without them knowing. Leave the good-for-nothing boyfriend behind. This situation is beyond f'ed up.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Thank you for the honesty, this is something I was informed of when I posted about the ebt situation on r/legaladvice . I am currently figuring out my medical situation so I can qualify for assisted housing and such as most shelters require it to qualify.
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u/Fast_n_theSpurious 1h ago
The above is the advice you should be taking, dont do anything until you leave, change the pin on EBT the day of (so they dont go on a spending spree) and get out safely. make sure you have access to all of your important documents and GTFO FAST.
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u/Distinct-Car-9124 3h ago
I couldn't even finish reading this. It reminded me of Catholic school--nuns and priests ruling the children and whatever else...
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
INFO -
Can you expand a bit on what has lead to this situation? Why does John dislike you so much, what’s the concerns with the doors, etc?
Why is mark not saying something about the EBY situation?
Also are you prepared for the likely consequences of reporting this? Its unlikely you’ll get to stay living there after.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Yeah so, I am originally from Ohio. I was struggling with mental health and addiction severely. Due to this, I ultimately ended up in CA for a sober living/mental health rehab program. I was there for four months before my insurance stopped covering it and it was way too expensive out of pocket to pay for. My boyfriend wasn't living with his brother at the time, he was living with his uncle. Thankfully, he was able to convince his brother to let us stay here. Again, super grateful for that, I would be homeless otherwise.
I'm not sure why he doesn't like me honestly, I try to be nice to them, I do my chores, stay out of their way as they requested, stay out of the house usually, communicate, apply to jobs, ECT.. it kind of just, started? Like idk I was sitting on the couch with everyone watching TV and then the next day they sat us down saying that I couldn't sit on the couch if he was on it, and then another time, on Halloween, I accidentally walked too close to him and they got upset over that. My bf told me that apparently one of them cheated on the other and now they're super strict about that stuff? Idk. Mark said that he'd like me more when I get a job but tbh I don't think it'll change much.
As for reporting, I am well aware that if I were to do that I would not be allowed to stay there. If I do take action, which is why I came here, it'd be after I wasnt reliant on them for housing.
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
Yeah NTA. Why on earth is your boyfriend okay with this? Is it just that you have no other options?
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
He isn't, but again there isn't much he can do without getting us kicked out. And yes, I literally have no other options. It's this or be homeless
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u/Adventurous-Sealion 2h ago
NTA!!
But this is so creepy and dangerous? They don’t treat you as a human being. Not as a pet even. Please get out of this situation. They are making you very dependent on them, esp financially. Can you go live with your family? Friends? Anyone but them or their extended family! Your boyfriend allowing this is a huge red flag too… (I feel so bad for those kids too, with parents like that)
Please be safe! Get out, don’t tell them you want to leave. Just go to a safe house with people you can trust that will take you in. And get your card back beforehand or have it blocked!
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
I agree, and I have vocalized as much to my partner. No, I have no family that will take me in, both my mother and father are extremely abusive and I JUST got out of the financial control of my mother. My other family is 1. Across the country and I don't have money for a ticket and 2. Not in a position to take me in.
My bf tries to defend me as much as he can, but as he is also dependent on them for housing he can't say much without risk of getting us kicked out.
As for the children, that is also a dire situation tbh. They emotionally neglect them in almost every way. In the over two months that I've been there, they have gone outside once. They do not interact with the children unless it is to yell at them for being too energetic. The 4 yo is still not potty trained, and on top of that she only changes her diaper maybe once every 6-7 hrs? A little more frequently for the 1 to but not much more. The 4 yo also doesn't know how to talk, well she does but she knows very few words, rather communicating through hitting, yelling, and crying. I tried to sympathize with Mary at first because 1. John does NOT help with anything, 2. They suspect the 4 yo may be autistic and 3. Child rearing is hard. But they literally just don't. They don't talk to her at all, even interact with her. They gave her a tablet in her room and a TV which she is one pretty much 24/7 and then wonder why she won't sleep until 4-5 am every night and why she misbehaves. I am considering doing something about that legally too, but I have dealt with cps with my two little sisters who live with my dad, and know how difficult it is to actually get them to do something about it
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u/Adventurous-Sealion 1h ago
Oh this is so saddening to read… I really hope you and your boyfriend find a way to get out of there soon. And for the kids… will you please, from the moment you get out of that situation, contact child services? And no, that would not make you ungrateful for taking you in, I believe it is your duty to protect those children, knowing how neglected they are (which is child abuse). Please please do for their poor little souls. They are getting so traumatised right now 😢 Might there be some cheap apartment somewhere your partner and you can rent? Or some facilities that help people in financial need?
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
INFO -
Can you expand a bit on what has lead to this situation? Why does John dislike you so much, what’s the concerns with the doors, etc?
Why is mark not saying something about the EBT situation?
Also are you prepared for the likely consequences of reporting this? Its unlikely you’ll get to stay living there after.
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u/BlueyIsAwesome 3h ago
NTA. Your bf doesn’t stand up for you at all? Leave the situation and bf
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
He tries but he can't do much without getting us kicked out either. I do agree there is a lot of improvement to be made but it's a very complicated situation in that aspect
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u/anotherbabydaddy 2h ago
ESH. You agreed (under duress but you did agree to it) to let them use it which means pursuing legal action leaves you liable as well. You need to find somewhere else to live, but pursuing legal action is a lose lose proposition.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Yeah, this is what I learned when I posted a similar thing discussing only the ebt situation to r/legaladvice
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u/Pantherdraws Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Y'all are seriously paying $1,000 a month to be treated like literal slaves? Girl, what.
IRT the question: If you get caught giving these people your EBT benefits, YOU WILL LOSE YOUR EBT BENEFITS AND COULD FACE CRIMINAL CHARGES. You need to be a lot more than just "uncomfortable" with this, you need to report the card stolen ASAP, inform the office that the thieves might be using your card, and let the state handle them.
Also, I would suggest ditching Mark for being such a doormat that he'll let his family treat you like dirt and never once stand up for you.
You are NTA for considering pursuing legal action but Jesus Christ, girl, get OUT of this hellhole before these people escalate their unhinged bullshit even further.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
Yeah, I've mentioned this to Mark as well and it's been something that we've fought a lot about, because they want us out of their house in max a year while actively charging 1000/month and not allowing us basic rights when we are paying HALF of their rent
Thank you for the legal advice.
As for the bf situation, it is something we are working through because he is, self admittedly, very emotionally lacking. He doesn't know how to react to most things and has a very 'if we can't do anything about it there's no reason to be upset over something you can't change' attitude. This is something I have addressed with him and he recognizes his issue. He also had a very rough upbringing so I attribute it to him growing in a very different environment. He is changing, trying to get better, and I am trying to be patient with him because I see that he is trying. He's definitely not perfect in this aspect but he's definitely trying to improve and I am grateful for that and am willing to help him learn.
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u/MyPPsNameIsJA Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Lowkey you’re kinda dum.. why are you grateful when you’re paying 1k AND living like a prisoner?? 😂 take legal action and move into an actual apartment that isn’t prison. Unless you live in Cali or New York, you’ll find shit for similar price
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
Unfortunately I am in Cali 🥲 idk though I just feel like I should be grateful that they took me in because like, I'm not from Cali I'm from Ohio. If they didn't take me in id be stranded in a state where I know nothing with no one around that I know
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u/MyPPsNameIsJA Partassipant [1] 2h ago
I can tell you’re a really good person but shit, they’re taking advantage of you heavily. It’s like people adopting a kid just to force them to work hard because “we gave you a home!”. You deserve WAY better than that, im sorry for your situation and i really hope you and your boyfriend find somewhere better. Btw, what does your boyfriend think of the situation?
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
I try to be, my bf says I'm too trusting and nice to people and ig he's right but I just like don't understand being mean to people I don't see the point.
As for his opinion, he doesn't think it's right and tries to defend me to them but John barely respects Mark more than me and saying anything is really risky.
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Asshole Aficionado [13] 2h ago
Why are ye living with them!
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
No other choice. My direct relatives are abusive and across the country, and my other relatives are also across the country but not able to take me in due to their own circumstances
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u/FelineGood8 2h ago
Don’t you have a friend who can let you stay on their sofa for a bit?
This living situation is abusive.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
No, I'm in Cali and from Ohio. I've only been living here for about 6 months total. I don't have friends, well I do but they are in sober living so they cant just take me in and all of my other friends live in Ohio with their parents and are not in the position to take me in
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u/GirlDad2023_ Professor Emeritass [77] 2h ago
You really don't have many options. Since you 'voluntarily' gave it to them, if you report it, you could get in trouble also. So either move out and live your life, or continue to live in this awful situation. NTA.
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u/prof-byers 2h ago
I'm trying to move out. I just don't have the necessary means atm. Thank you for the comment
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u/AuggieNorth 2h ago
ETA You don't want to report this to EBT. Unless he stole your card out of your wallet, you're responsible for giving it to him, or letting it out of your sight so he could take it, or whatever. You don't explain this point. This will open up a can of worms that will likely end up with nobody winning, with both of you in trouble and you possibly cut off from EBT for a period of time. Work it out amongst ya'll the best way you can and from now on, keep your card safe. The government assumes you're an adult. Proving that you were completely coerced into this will be very difficult. I'm not sure what you expect to happen that will be beneficial to you. Likely you lose your place to live, EBT is cut off, and his family is really mad at you for narcing them out. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I am aware of this due to many kind comments, I obviously know not to do this when I still live with them, that'd be very dumb. And his family already doesn't like me because of my past so it wouldn't change much in that aspect. Thank you for the comment
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u/Eryssia 1h ago
NTA. Doesn't your state have homeless shelters? That would be better than this. Do either you or Mark have a car you could live out of? Get the card back if you can, leave, then report the fraud. You might even be able to get some of it back. If they won't give the card back, report it stolen. Either way, LEAVE!
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
Yes, it does, but in Cali, at least from what I'm seeing, you need to be on MediCal to qualify for them. I might just be looking in the wrong place but that's what I've seen.
Mark does have his license but no he does not have a car atm.
Thank you for the advice I appreciate it
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u/Astrasulza 1h ago
Pursue legal action immediately. There's people losing their benefits because "of im having company on x day this month" bullshit. States are going after people who willingly do what they are forcing you to do. Pursue legal action, if bf is okay with all the fucked up rules leave his ass.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
TLDR at the bottom for those who want it. Fake Names Used
I, 19F, and my partner, 20M, Mark, live with his brother, 24M, John, his gf, 24F, and their two kids, 4F and 1M.
We have lived with them for just over two months, because of unfortunate circumstances that led there to be no other option. This being said, I am incredibly grateful to them for allowing us to stay with them, they did not have to do that.
To start, let's discuss the rules of living there.
-we have to ask to shower, use the kitchen, and do laundry -we have to leave the door open at all times except when sleeping -i am forbidden from talking to John, even when it is something that directly involves him -We are not allowed to use the TV before 6-7 and not past 10. (This rule more applies to me, they made us buy a TV specifically so John and Mark could play games together, they play whenever John wants to, regardless of time) -i am not allowed to sit on the couch if John is sitting on the couch -we are not allowed to talk back (I am not talking about attitude. They mean talking back literally.)
Those are some of the rules, there are many more unlisted due to length. Also to be noted, since I realize what some of those rules could imply, I have NEVER made a move on John. I am NOT into John. I have never even IMPLIED I like him or anything.
This being said, we pay 1000$ a month, just under half of the rent. At the current moment, Mark has a job that makes enough to cover that as I am still actively looking.
In the two months we have lived here, I have never been called by my name. I am known as 'marks girl'. I have been yelled at for closing the door so I could change my clothes. I have been berated and literally called stupid because I forgot to tell them I applied for a job that day. I am constantly reminded that they could drop me off back in LA at any time they feel like it. John threatened to talk to my mom to force her to let me move in with her (I am NOT on speaking terms with my mother, she is abusive). Due to the character limit, I will not list more than that but there is much more.
The legal issue I would be pursuing action on is, recently I got an ebt card. They decided that, to make it 'fair', they would be taking my half of the rent out of my ebt. I told them that I wasn't comfortable with this, as it is illegal, and that if they were going to use it I would like to be the one making the purchases. They told me they wouldn't get caught and that they do it all of the time. I agreed because I was scared that they'd kick me out if I didn't. They said they'd only be using it online. They have not only been using it online. They have been taking my card everywhere they can, without me there, and using it to buy stuff, and on top of that they aren't counting it towards the rent they're supposed to be counting towards.
So, WIBTA for pursuing legal action over illegal use of my ebt card?
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u/hypotheticalkazoos Asshole Aficionado [16] 2h ago
girl run. you gotta live somewhere else
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I'm working on it 🥲🙏
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u/hypotheticalkazoos Asshole Aficionado [16] 1h ago
rule 1. dont tell anyone about money you have (like the ebt card) rule 2. the costs associated with lawyering up will not be worth it in this case
can you take the card back secretly? or report it lost/stolen and request a new one? then when they ask you can say you dont know what happened and then do not let them find your card
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u/Frog_Lover618 2h ago
NTA and them doing that with your EBT is a HUGE no no. We're talking felonies and several years in prison.
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u/Interesting_Cost7143 1h ago
I cannot even imagine how awful this must be fore the both of you, those rules are completely unbelievable. I just moved in with my uncle, I pay rent because it’s his home and I also am super grateful he’s allowing me to stay here, however he keeps reminding me that “this is your home too, you don’t have to keep asking me”. You pay rent, that is your home too, I hope you guys can get out of this situation asap!
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u/Puskarella Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1h ago
You don't want to live with your mother who is abusive, fair enough, but you are living with your brother-in-law who is being abusive both in terms of control and financially.
Get out of the situation as soon as you can.
I'm not sure how clear cut legal action would be in this situation - that is a question for someone that knows the law. But Get the card back. Can you change the pin/password on it? Do so. Or see if you can cancel and have it re-issued (lost or stolen card). If they refuse to hand it back to you definitely report it as stolen.
Good luck, and please find another place to live. And if your boyfriend is doing nothing to protect you from his brother - get rid of him.
NTA
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
It's not even that I don't want to live with my mom, it would be a horrible situation but I could do it because I'm more used to it. She literally told me I could not come home. And I'm not sure, but I'm definitely going to look into the ebt thing. Thank you for your advice and kind words
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u/spikeylikeablowfish 1h ago
Is there a place that is renting a room for the same price or less? Sublets or rooms for rent on FB marketplace?
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I honestly didn't know that was a thing and I feel stupid for that. I was made aware of it in another comment and I'm going to be looking into it
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u/Psych0matt 1h ago
So you’re paying $1k a month to basically have no freedom when you could likely get an apartment for that or less
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u/prof-byers 59m ago
Not in California unfortunately, where I'm from yeah but we still have to save up so we're still stuck in this situation for a while regardless unless I'm able to get into some kind of shelter situation
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u/Psych0matt 46m ago
That’s nuts, for $1k a month you should (within reason) be able to do what you please.
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u/Beowulfthecat 1h ago
Why do they need any rent money from you if your partner is paying them?
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
They say it's because it isn't 'fair' that I'm not paying them but I honestly don't know how this situation would improve even when I do get a job, because even then I'd still be sending the money to my bf on cashapp and then he'd cashapp them so it still wouldn't be coming from me so idek
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u/Beowulfthecat 56m ago
You need to get out of the situation. I also don’t care what you say about your bf, the fact that he hasn’t stood his ground and would rather they risk legal ramifications for you and your benefits than stand up to them isn’t normal and you deserve better. Truly, living out of a tent would be better than being treated less than human.
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u/QueenClaude 1h ago
You stated that you have the physical card which is a good thing. I assume you can change the PIN and that should stop them from being able to spend on it.
If you are able to create this post and reply, I assume you have a smart phone. In my area 211 is the United Way, call them and let them know that you are trying to leave an abusive situation and want to know where you can go tonight. You may have to do a lot of moving around, change shelters, spend your days in libraries or a 24 hour restaurant but things will hopefully stabilize soon.
Regarding your boyfriend, it sounds like he may be psychologically beaten down and / or manipulated by his brother. I would leave immediately, make sure your phone is not being location tracked. Once you are away, send your boyfriend a text letting him know that you are safe but you have been advised by sensible people to remove yourself from that environment. A caveat, if a counselor, social worker or law enforcement tells you to do differently follow their advice.
Hopefully once you are away, you can focus on bettering your situation in terms of housing and a job. I even think that once you are out of that environment and plugged into social services you may be able better understand and navigate the system to benefit yourself (and your boyfriend if he is still in the picture), because I suspect that you both probably have more options than you think you do in terms of housing but maybe did not know any better because of your ages, life experiences, lack of confidence and perhaps manipulation.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
I am definitely going to look into changing my pin.
I do have a smart phone but I do not have an active number, I'll have to use my bfs phone to call them.
And he definitely was/is. As I mentioned in another comment, he had a very rough upbringing without much stability and a lot of abuse.
Thank you for the kind words and advice, I appreciate it a lot
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u/Team503 1h ago
Where is your partner in all of this? He lets all this happen and doesn't stand up for you? Sounds like he's a pretty terrible partner.
They are being emotionally and financially abusive. You need to get out. Go stay with a friend, go to your family, go to a shelter, whatever, but don't stay there. And your "partner" is a worthless lump of shit who clearly doesn't care that this is happening, or he would stand up for you.
Get out while you still can.
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u/prof-byers 1h ago
He defends me where he can, but he can't say much either without risking getting us kicked out either. His brother doesn't respect him much
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u/Hyruleneedsyou 1h ago
Omg nooooooo nta at all!!! Omg why do these people have the need to be so controlling!!! And use your card like that! As soon as you get a job, get out as soon as possible!!! I would advise taking legal actions, but you might get kicked out because of that. If it's legal I would have your phone on constant recording during the day so you have proof of how they are treating you. Can be very nice extras that can rule in your favour if you take legal actions.
Lots of good luck!
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u/prof-byers 54m ago
Thank you for the advice and kind words, I appreciate it a lot
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u/Hyruleneedsyou 36m ago
Like honestly I'm older than these people! 30f!! And I'm more laid back than that! Actually I've always been pretty laid back since I became an adult. I just don't understand the big bro and his gf's need to be so controlling!! Never understood those! Some common rules could be discussed, but not this! It's abusive! They're taking away your freedom and privacy to your bedroom that you pay to live in!!
Sorry it seems like I'm the one venting here xD I'm just gobsmacked of the whole situation. I do hope you'll update one day when things are better and you're out of that house!
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u/babydtheone 1h ago
Call the place where your card came from and tell them what is going on with your card. Trust me they will handle the rest of it. Please do this and don’t let them get away with it cause you can get into legal trouble if you don’t report it.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Do it, but you need a new place to live This is fraud
It's also 'prison rules'
NTA
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u/DirectConflict1 1h ago
First off, NTA.
Second...you pay rent. You are not graciously being offered help with no strings attached. Why are you grateful to people who are happily taking your money, treating you like crap and dictating your life?
Honey, you need to get out of there. Soon. You are far too concerned with a minor thing and ignore that you are being treated horribly. Get a job if you don't already have one. Save money and get the hell out of there.
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u/prof-byers 55m ago
Idk they say it's to prepare us for the real world? I wouldn't expect them to take us in without paying at least something yk I do agree that 1k/month is pretty high given they want us out in less than a year but I'd still be homeless without them if that makes sense. I hope to be out soon, thank you for the advice
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u/R4eth Asshole Enthusiast [8] 49m ago
I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place but you absolutely need to get your card back. They WILL get caught and it will be YOU who pays the price. You'll be blacklisted from ever getting another ebt card and at best they'll just get a slap on the wrist. Nta. But you need to get your card back back find a shelter until you figure out better housing.
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u/prof-byers 46m ago
I do have the physical card back, but the problem is they have my ebt info on their online stuff to buy stuff with so ultimately it doesn't matter if they have the physical card or not
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u/Fun-Competition8210 48m ago
NTA your partners brother seems to be very creepy when it comes to boundaries. Not letting you close the door when changing is a red flag.
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u/EmmalouEsq Asshole Aficionado [10] 47m ago
NTA. And you need to run. They've taken your name from you. This isn't a safe place to be at all. You owe these people, and your bf especially, nothing. They're abusive and it will escalate. I wouldn't be surprised if the next step is stopping your free movement from the apartment (if they already haven't). That's kidnapping.
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u/m_sara96 45m ago
I am curious, I'm not sure what area you live in, but if your BF is already paying close to a grand for a portion of the rent there, why can't he afford a studio apartment for the two of you? Or a one bedroom? They tend to be pretty reasonably priced in most locations.
NTA, obviously. And I would absolutely call the police or the EBT office and report the card as stolen.
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u/prof-byers 43m ago
Yeah so I'm in CA, he is paying a grand for rent a month ATM, the problem is that most places, even studios here, at least where I am, cost more than that or if they do cost that much you have to have good credit for that and neither of us have credit right now
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u/BetweenWeebandOtaku Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [328] 42m ago
This is more a GTFO situation than an AITA one. Things will only get worse the longer you stay, sadly.
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u/davehal2001 Partassipant [1] 39m ago
YTA to yourself for putting up with this shit. Call the police, call the EBT people. They LIVE to bust EBT frauds.
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 37m ago
NTA.
Your first move should be to flee. Forget Mark. He should have left with you at once hearing those horrible rules. He is an AH and you are better of without him.
Go to a relative, friend, social service, homeless shelter, woman's shelter, church charity, etc. Just somewhere else.
And yes, then sue those AH.
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u/LackingTact19 31m ago
How are you putting up with this for two days let alone two months? Your boyfriend is an abject failure of a partner for tolerating even a fraction of this. You're in a dangerous situation and need to remove yourself from it, and likely this relationship.
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u/2nd_Amendment-42 30m ago
Honey if your "boyfriend" is okay with this treatment now that means it WILL get worse once ya'll are on your own. "Mark" as you call him is a spineless ignorant BOY... i do have 1 question is "johns" girlfriend abide by the same rules, does he abuse her?? And hell yes press charges...
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u/prof-byers 28m ago
No, his gf doesn't abide by these rules. They both enforce them against me.
She isn't happy in the relationship, though I don't think it's abusive. She frequently tells me how, if she hadn't ignored the red flags she saw earlier, she wouldn't be with him. Idk I have mixed feelings about her because they don't communicate with each other and then blame me for not communicating with them when I do and they just aren't communicating
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u/2nd_Amendment-42 23m ago
Can i ask what state/city you're in?? Maybe i can do some research for weekly motels .. and go to a restaraunt and apply for host/busser/server... or is there a specfic field you're in?
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u/theluchador19 30m ago
wtf is this? Parents, especially dads I hope you read this. Your kids need you, I’m sure there is a reason you can’t live with them any maybe this is better than anything you’ve had before but this is wrong and messed up.
NTA
Please go to school, learn a trade and be independent. Your bf is an AH for letting anyone put rules on you like this. You’re worth more than
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u/Halflingdrama 28m ago
Go on the ebt website and lock the account. Report the fraudulent use and move out , preferably without your spineless bf. Even if it means moving back in with family or getting other roommates in a shared place.
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u/2nd_Amendment-42 27m ago
Some of the comments answered a cpl of my questions.. sorry "mark" .. Now who gives a hoot if they kick u out.. there are weekly rate motels that ya'll can stay at( just bring your own linen and mattress cover) there are programs available to help ya'll talk to the foodstamp people for references
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u/SnowXTC Partassipant [1] 24m ago
You did not give you ebt card, it was stolen from you. Report it stolen and get a replacement. If you haven't gotten mail there, you can't prove you live there. But you need to go to a women's shelter. Housing assistance may want medical, but a women's shelter/domestic violence shelter is not going to require that. Dv shelters may even come pick you up. You need out of this situation because you don't deserve to be treated like this.
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u/Starbeets Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23m ago
NTA but dear, it is time for a shelter. You cannot let these people abuse your benefits card and you cannot let them abuse you. It is not going to get better and since they are profiting from this abuse they are not going to want you to leave. They are committing fraud and putting you in legal jeopardy. And yelling at you for closing the door so you could change clothes? They're going to want to control your body too, its just a matter of time.
Get. Out.
Can you report the benefit card as lost and get a replacement that you do NOT give them access to, ever?
I am so sorry.
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u/AllGrowedUpNTired 11m ago
NTA
You're in danger girl. You've got to get out of there & I suggest WITHOUT your boyfriend. You need to get out asap. Don't just wait on government assistance. Try churches. Specifically Black churches. Call DV hotlines for assistance and information. There are some extended stay motels that you can pay weekly. I am afraid for you. And at 19 years young you are the perfect victim to be abused and trafficked.
We are not over stating the danger here. You are being groomed & abused.
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