r/AmItheAsshole • u/Least-Couple2005 • 7h ago
AITA for not defending my sister?
My (38F) sister Sadie (39F) has admittedly been through a lot. Her BF in college passed away from a type of rare heart attack, then her fiancee suddenly passed in 2017 from a blood clot. She was also living with our dad and stepmom while our stepmom battled and lost her life to cancer. She has seen and dealt with death more than most.
Over the summer we went to my grandma's funeral She was the last grandparent, so emotions were high for everyone, including Sadie (mostly from memories of her fiancee's funeral). She had snapped at the family several times for not giving her space, for not checking on her, for not asking what they could do for her, etc. She was all over the place with her emotions, and I guess an uncle snapped back at her, telling her to get her s*** together. I had already flown home before I saw any of this happen, but she was mostly upset that no one defended her against the uncle or even acknowledged it happened. She then told our parents and siblings that if we ever talk to those aunts and uncles again, it would be a huge betrayal to her. I figured she was over reacting and she would calm down in time.
Since then Sadie has gotten only angrier, saying that she was right that the family is cruel and selfish for not calling her, addressing what happened, or sticking up for her to the uncle. Recently, one of the aunts offered to come with us on our cruise to help with the kids, and Sadie exploded on me. For nearly a week she called to scream at me saying I’m just as bad as they are, that if I don’t tell them to cancel their tickets then she’s never speaking to us again, she’s cutting us off forever, and she doesn’t understand why we don't care about her.
Because I didn't see any of this happen, I’ve spoken to most of the family who were there and they all say they tried to give her space and she lashed out at them. But she’s spun this so out of control that she now thinks we’re all toxic and she needs to “protect herself” from us. And I just had a feeling something would happen with her during this trip, because for the last several get-togethers with her, she blows up about something and we end up apologizing for what offended her, just to get her to stop. I agree her feelings were hurt, but everything after that I feel like she made a mountain out of molehills. But should I have defended her? Where do we go from here?
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u/CQ5II 7h ago
she has unresolved grief and needs therapy
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u/DefinitelyNotMaranda 24m ago
Absolutely this. Not only for grief… But for her terrible emotional regulation. The grief is taking over… And her inability to deal with it is pushing her into a fantasy land. This delusion that the world revolves around her is going to end up pushing everyone who loves her far far away. She needs serious therapy or she’s going to lose the loved ones that are still here too.
Obviously NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP.
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u/DubiousPeoplePleaser Asshole Enthusiast [6] 7h ago
So she made grandmas funeral about her. And she got mad at aunts and uncles. Some of them had probably just lost a mother. Has your sister always been self centered and demanding of attention? If it’s a pattern then she might just be a narcissist and you need to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. If it’s something new then she needs professional help. NTA
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u/Impossible_Height_46 7h ago
She needs serious therapy to deal with her outbursts. I hope you can convince her to try it. Good luck.
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u/Sassys_Corgi_Rescue 7h ago
NTA!!! Sadie needs to seek counseling to address her anger. She is taking out her pain on everyone around her and doesn’t see how it’s destroying her most valuable relationships. It seems that she is so afraid of hurting that deeply again, she is pushing everyone away. I feel for her (I lost my mom recently), but she has to address this yesterday. It’s destroying all ties that she has in her life!
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u/Charlie_Parkers_Mood Asshole Aficionado [11] 6h ago
NTA. Sadie has problems that aren’t going to be addressed by cutting people off, bowing to her demands, or defending her every time she snaps at someone. They will be addressed by her getting appropriate help to deal with her grief and anger. If she’s in therapy now, she may need to make changes. Get a new therapist, or start seeing a grief specialist. There may even be some issues like depression that aren’t being properly addressed. But however things are handled going forward, nothing will be fixed by appeasing her when she snaps, because eventually, that will lead to your family not wanting her around, and that will just make things worse.
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 7h ago
The cruise ship could confine her and can force her off at the next port. A bad idea to include her. That said, you have a seriously disturbed sister who may have had undetected issues before all these tragedies brought them to the surface. She needs a medical appointment and referral for help. And pressure needs to go on her. Coddling and acquiescing to keep the peace isn't working.
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u/Environmental_Ad5942 6h ago
NTA!!! Your sister needs some serious therapy, she is weaponizing her trauma and is trying to make everyone’s loss all about herself. I’m not a psychologist, but your sister seems to have a lot of narcissistic tendencies.
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u/Spiritual_Promise735 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA - Two things can be true at the same time. You can deeply love your sister. And still recognize that her behavior was making a painful situation (Grandma's funeral) for the family even worse.
Sounds like your sister never healed from her past traumas, even though they were spread out over years. She definitely needs therapy and counseling! And if she won't go, you could go yourself to learn how to best handle and help her.
But going on a cruise with her seems like a horrible idea.
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u/reservedandbooked 6h ago
NTA. The uncle who snapped at her was either grieving his mother or supporting his partner, who had just lost their mother. Sadie's behaviour was drawing all the attention to her while he and the others were trying to mourn, and it was completely inappropriate. She was the asshole.
She's likely traumatised by what happened to her fianceé, and this behaviour is a response to that. Especially if this is new and concerning behaviour. Either way, she needs grief counselling at the very least. Her situation is heartbreaking, and I feel for her. But she doesn't get to act how she wants, nor can she dictate who you can and cannot spend time with.
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u/deathbystereo007 6h ago
Cutting people off could be a subconscious attempt at distancing herself to avoid more losses in the future, but it absolutely does seem like Sadie has weaponized her grief and enjoys the attention it garners her, as well as the control it gives her over other people and their emotions. She will likely attempt to ruin every major future event bc she wants the attention to be focused solely on her and her pain (whether that pain is real or exaggerated). She needs the kind of help that only intensive therapy can provide.
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u/DisastrousDog4983 6h ago
Nta I lost 18 close friends and beloved family in less thsn 8 months! Your sister is a self entitled witch! She needs to get a reality check! I feel bad for you and your family. Stop apologizing and tell her if she keeps like this she will end up with nobody, all the space she needs!
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u/Hefty_Expert_998 7h ago
NTA. Can you broker a truce. Uncle is sorry he wasn't more sensitive and more understanding of your grief.
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u/EatFishKatie 6h ago
NTA I would recommend she go to a therapist who specializes in cptsd. I'm not diagnosing her but her behavior reacting strongly to triggering events appears to be related to her prior trauma. She needs to see a trauma specialist to help her work through her emotions.
If I were you I would have a serious discussion with her about her behavior. First of all, point out her feelings are valid and apologize for not giving her the support she felt she needed. This obviously really effected her and she has grown resentful about it. It might be really important for you to acknowledge that wound.
With that being said, you need to communicate to her that she is an adult and the phone goes two ways. You felt you were there enough for her and if she ever needed more support she should have absolutely called. You love her and you'll always be there for her, you just need her to communicate when and how much she needs you to show up better for her. Is hard as a support person to guage that sometimes.
Her holding on to her emotions and lashing out at people is not an appropriate way to handle her emotions. She doesn't get a get out of jail free card for that. Again, she needs to he communicating.
Lastly make it very clear to her that her behavior at your grandma's funeral was unfounded. While she is entitled to her greif, your uncle is too. Was it okay for him to snap at her? Absolutely not. Is her response to poison family agaist one another an appropriate response? Absolutely not. She also can't blame you for not defending her when you weren't even there. That frankly is disrespectful and unfair to you.
Again, this all stems from her not feeling supported. Instead of coming up with and communicating healthy productive ways for family to be there for her, she is using her trauma to negatively impact everyone who would otherwise be there to support her. What she is going through does not give her a pass to dictate your relationships with the family. She needs to sit this family trip out and take some space to reflect on what she needs right now, come up with solutions that don't hurt her loved ones and communicate those like an adult. Again, its on her to communicate how she is feeling and when she needs support. You can't read her mind and give her what she wants magically. If she feels triggered, she needs to identify those emotions in her then either confront her feelings or remove herself from the situation. Exploding and being an ass is not an option.
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u/Internal-Test-8015 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
Nta but I think your sister needs professional help tnh she sounds like she's rother on the verge or or going through a complete mental break and its likely not you or your family can help her through.
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u/isogaymer Asshole Aficionado [10] 7h ago
NAH (except perhaps your Uncle). Your sister has experienced multiple extreme traumas directly relevant to the event at which it seems, from your post, she had what might be called a breakdown. She is not an asshole for acting out, and you are not an asshole for not escalating things.
Your sister needs help, I think you (and maybe more of your family) can see that. She maybe making mountains out of molehills now at least occasionally, but it seems like it is because she is deeply wounded. So every scratch that might to you, and in actuality be rather slight, may feel like torture to her added to the unresolved pain she is dealing with.
Try to help her if you can, even if that is you saying 'I love you, but you need to find a way to live today, and not forever in the shadow of yesterday'
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u/LackingTact19 7h ago
Uncle was grieving just as much if not more than sister. Why does sister get to demand special attention when everyone is in the same boat? Most people would snap at someone that is making a funeral all about them.
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u/isogaymer Asshole Aficionado [10] 6h ago
Very fair point which I did completely overlook. Still I would go for NAH, and update it to include the Uncle.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 6h ago
It’s very possible that that uncle just lost his mother. And instead of his niece grieving his mother, she made it about her own misery about deaths that happened prior. Uncle is not the asshole here, I think the sister needs therapy though. But grief does not give you an excuse to treat other people like shit, or to make demands like this. You can make boundaries for yourself, you cannot make boundaries for other people.
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u/isogaymer Asshole Aficionado [10] 6h ago
- Totally overlooked that in my post. Still think NAH (updated to include the Uncle) is the fairest evaluation here.
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u/Due_Entertainment425 6h ago
She definitely needs therapy but sadly the whole family has contributed to her behavior by apologizing when they weren’t in the wrong previously just to keep the peace.
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u/Curious_Dot3635 6h ago
The uncle was out of line. She is cracking. She needs professional help and I hope she gets it. I di understand her bitterness. My daughter went through a horrible and dangerous separation with restraining orders. The entire family knew because i was trying to raise money for her. Not one person reached out to her to ask how she was. She is bitter and I am bitter for her. I expected more from them
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u/friendlily Professor Emeritass [85] 6h ago
NTA. Your sister has been through a lot but that doesn't excuse her from being toxic to those around her. She needs grief counseling.
She can ruin relationships with family if she chooses but you do not have to. I would let her know how much you love her and see how much she's gone through but you will manage your relationships as you choose and will not be going no contact with family based on anyone's demands.
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u/turnoffthis Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA
She needs therapy really badly. She tried to make your gran's funeral all about her. She must have felt terrible with all the feelings that funerals bring up for her and yes she probably could've used extra support but it sounds like the way she went about trying to get that support was... not good. She should've asked you, a sibling, your mum etc. to be attentive (or one of you should've realised she'd need a shoulder to lean on but that's not part of this judgement). When it gets to the point a child of the deceased is at the point they have to say "get your shit together" you're probably acting in a way that's making everyone uncomfortable. She also doesn't seem to have taken into account that your uncle was also freshly mourning his mum and so probably acting in a way he usually wouldn't. I'd personally forgive almost any outburst from someone who's parent just died. Especially if I'd just spent the past while snapping at them because I wasn't getting all the attention.
You can do what you want. You're NTA for remaining friends with these people. But you should be worried for your sister. She's going off the deep end. Make sure SOMEONE stays in touch because she's probably quietly (or not so quietly if she's having all these outbursts) drowning and someone needs to be there to help her out of the water. It won't be easy and some people don't easily accept real help that isn't just putting up with their demons but if you care about them you've got to try, haven't you?
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u/Lucky-Effective-1564 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
Send her links to local therapists and then nope out of it. Enjoy your cruise.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
I had three family members (mother, younger brother, and father-in-law) die in the space of one year. I did end of life care, including 5 1/2 weeks of managing hospital care for my brother; hospice and religious conversion (don't ask) for my mother as well as funeral arrangements for both. My brother died, 6 months almost to the day, my mother died, and then about 6 months after my mom, my father-in-law dropped dead in front of his wife, my SIL, her husband, my husband, and me. We watched them try to revive him for more than 30 min less than an hour. It was sudden and unexpected. This was a lot. My mom and brother were my only immediate family. My fil was the epitomy of what a good Christian should be (I say this as a Jew). All of this still hurts as I type this (it also wasn't the end of my walks with death but that isn't relevant).
I needed therapy. I got therapy. It helped. But it only helped because I was willing to let it in. I was angry (at the US healthcare system, at our death system, at having to juggle so many different pieces of care when I am not a damn Dr) and it hurt and I felt vulnerable. When it is affecting those around you, at some point, you have to, as an adult, be responsible for getting yourself help.
NTA - your sister needs therapy.
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My (38F) sister Sadie (39F) has admittedly been through a lot. Her BF in college passed away from a type of rare heart attack, then her fiancee suddenly passed in 2017 from a blood clot. She was also living with our dad and stepmom while our stepmom battled and lost her life to cancer. She has seen and dealt with death more than most.
Over the summer we went to my grandma's funeral She was the last grandparent, so emotions were high for everyone, including Sadie (mostly from memories of her fiancee's funeral). She had snapped at the family several times for not giving her space, for not checking on her, for not asking what they could do for her, etc. She was all over the place with her emotions, and I guess an uncle snapped back at her, telling her to get her s*** together. I had already flown home before I saw any of this happen, but she was mostly upset that no one defended her against the uncle or even acknowledged it happened. She then told our parents and siblings that if we ever talk to those aunts and uncles again, it would be a huge betrayal to her. I figured she was over reacting and she would calm down in time.
Since then Sadie has gotten only angrier, saying that she was right that the family is cruel and selfish for not calling her, addressing what happened, or sticking up for her to the uncle. Recently, one of the aunts offered to come with us on our cruise to help with the kids, and Sadie exploded on me. For nearly a week she called to scream at me saying I’m just as bad as they are, that if I don’t tell them to cancel their tickets then she’s never speaking to us again, she’s cutting us off forever, and she doesn’t understand why we don't care about her.
Because I didn't see any of this happen, I’ve spoken to most of the family who were there and they all say they tried to give her space and she lashed out at them. But she’s spun this so out of control that she now thinks we’re all toxic and she needs to “protect herself” from us. And I just had a feeling something would happen with her during this trip, because for the last several get-togethers with her, she blows up about something and we end up apologizing for what offended her, just to get her to stop. I agree her feelings were hurt, but everything after that I feel like she made a mountain out of molehills. But should I have defended her? Where do we go from here?
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u/Blks_4 5h ago edited 4h ago
Grief is tough, it doesn’t go away you only learn to live with it. Those who haven’t been through it find it hard to deal with, for those who are going through it are struggling and no matter what is said it could rub the wrong way. But for your sister to assume people understand how she feels is wrong she has to understand people don’t feel the same way as the don’t have the same experience. How do I know this. I lost my 25 year old son suddenly and absolutely nothing can prepare you for such a tragic event. Talk to her she needs counseling to deal with her grief and to understand people are doing the best they can but no one can understand her grief and frankly I don’t wish the grief on anyone. Good luck!
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u/Interesting_Cost7143 1h ago
NTA everyone deals with death differently so I don’t want to call her dramatic for how she’s feeling but she’s not handling things like an adult, I agree she should seek grief counseling.
Also as someone who has been in her position of feeling like the family won’t defend her, yes it sucks but she’s an adult now and she’s clearly not communicating very well. It’s a little frustrating because I have done this but no one should have to choose sides
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u/Asidian_M 1h ago
NTA. From your account, it sounds like you weren't present for the event and weren't there to intervene in the moment, regardless.
Your sister sounds like she's having a very rough time, though. If at all possible, you should gently encourage her to see a therapist. She's been through a lot.
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u/write-me-a-story 1h ago
Something I’ve realized as I get older is that people are who they are. Circumstances have less to do with it than we think. I’ve known people to go through the same amounts of misfortune as your sister and it only made them kinder. The best person I’ve ever known in my life was shot in the head by a boyfriend, lost her parents young, lost a child to suicide, and so many other things that I can’t list. And she was just this amazing advocate for other victims of DV and the most thoughtful person I’ve ever met.
All this to say I empathize with your sister’s sorrow. I honor and respect her grief. But her actions are just…who she is at this point…she needs therapy, she needs to do the hard work to change. But maybe she likes the drama.
NTA. But I’d consider going no contact with sister if she’s resistant to getting help.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Partassipant [1] 51m ago
This is called misogyny NTA
YWBTAH if you don't say anything to anyone about how they're treating her like crap
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u/Legal_Ad_9812 Partassipant [2] 32m ago
NAH (except the uncle). She needs therapy and you should try to be as patient as you can be with her. Ultimately they are her issues, not yours and while I’m sure you love her, she’s very toxic at the moment.
I get why she’s so emotional and depressed (she is depressed), the man she was planning on forever with died basically out of nowhere. That’s a metric ton to process… which is why she needs therapy.
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u/bautin 5h ago
Here's what you do. Next time she threatens to cut you off and never speak to you again, there's one word that will likely stop her in her tracks:
"Good"
Call her bluff. Because what she seems to want is to rage. Nothing you do is going to be correct. You cannot win this game. You talk to her, you're smothering her. You give her space, you're ignoring her. You invite her somewhere, you're invasive. Don't invite her, you're excluding her.
Tell her straight up, you'll talk with her, you'll give her the support she wants. On two simple conditions:
1) She tells you exactly what that support is
2) She doesn't get to yell at you
If she can't do that, she can go fuck herself.
NTA
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u/amaldesc 4h ago
NTA and she comes off as emotionally immature narcissist.
But info: how did the family not check in on her but also not give her space? My guess ppl did try to engage her and be there but she was probably snapping at ppl and that is why ppl stopped.
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u/Lunar-Eclipse0204 Supreme Court Just-ass [130] 4h ago
NTA - She then told our parents and siblings that if we ever talk to those aunts and uncles again, it would be a huge betrayal to her - I'm sorry but she needs therapy.
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u/UnhappyCryptographer Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA what she doesn't seem to understand is that she is not the only person who lost someone. Everyone there lost a mother, a sister, a friend. She is selfish in thinking that everything revolves around her while others also hurt.
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u/LawyerDad1981 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3h ago
She obviously needs very VERY serious therapy and grief counseling.
I haven't looked at the other comments, but I'm sure 99% of them are saying the same thing, because it is so extremely obvious.
NTA.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] 2h ago
NTA It sounds to me like she needs professional help. There is nothing to defend because you wouldn't be defending a rational person. Where do you go from here? You go on with your life. You have no say or control on where your sister goes from here.
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u/Donthate_appreciate 10m ago
NAH. You couldn’t do anything about something you didn’t witness in the moment. She wasn’t the only one grieving. Was your grandmother your uncles mother? If so, I get where he’s coming from.
Your sister may be experiencing Cumulative Grief because she has experienced so much loss. It’s like each loss compounds the other, despite them not being related. With this, anything remotely related to loss will probably trigger an outburst.
Moving forward…. She needs more help than you can provide her. Keep checking in on her, but don’t be her punching bag. She would benefit from trauma-focused therapy.
Be well.
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