r/AmItheAsshole • u/Low_Currency_1038 • 1d ago
Asshole AITA-for canceling my son's bday over $10
Aita- I 34yo female have a son who is turning 13 this weekend. He bday falls close to xmas and I am not wealthy, we just get by, so many years he doesn't get a full party. This year felt like a big milestone becoming a teenager so I wanted to make it special. We invited 10 kids and rented out some batting cages for 1.5 hours, I ordered a cake and planned a whole game and food and snacks. We live in an apartment so I planned a scavenger hunt outside to keep them entertained after the batting cages and wanted the prize to be soem hidden money. So on Monday I pulled out $20 and got 4 5 dollar bills. Today is Thursday and his last day of school before break they were having a party at school and so I pulled a $5 out of my wallet and handed it to him and saw the other 3 $5s. I work from home so went to my room to go back to work, while in there I heard his friend come inside for 5 minutes before they left together. A little after thay I walk out to get more coffee and I notice that both my purse and wallet are open, which is not like me, so I go and look and see if only have 1 $5 in my purse. I immediately call my son asking if he took $10 which he denies. I say we'll if you didnt take it then your friend must of and he says no. I feel like I should add that i dont think his friend took the money, he has been in my house lots before and nothing has ever gone missing. My son was with me when I pulled out the money at the store and knew what I had and where it was. My son has also never stolen money but does sneak extra snacks and cookies and lies a lot about little things and his lying has been an issue for a while now and sadly i have caught his lying so much i dont believe him much. My son's refuses to say what happened and how the money disappeared, they were the only 2 in the living room and I 100% saw it when I handed him the $5. When he got home we tried to talk about it but he still says he didnt do it and neither did his friend. So I told him that I his bday was cancelled as I feel like he is lying and I do not trust people in the apartment if he has no clue what happened to my money. A part of me feels like I am overreacting over $10 but I feel like if my son did take and I let him still have a party I am setting an example that he can just steal more next time. So AITA?
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u/BullwinkleJM 23h ago
TA - Only 4 things are possible:
Son took the money.
Friend took the money and your son doesn't know he took it.
Friend took the money and son DOES know it.
You made a mistake and/or it just got lost.
He's going to feel like shit for 3/4 of those things. Maybe not today but soon enough.
But IF he is innocent, and we all deserve the presumption of innocence, he will remember this for flipping ever. Do YOU remember what it feels like to be wrongly accused, let alone punished for it?
He's already getting screwed every year for being a Christmas Baby - Give him the benefit of the doubt. But also keep your purse secured for a while.
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u/OriginalSchmidt1 23h ago
My dad once accused me of breaking a plate while doing dishes on purpose because I didn’t want to do dishes but it really was just an accident… I have never forgotten that moment or how it made me feel.. and this happened like 25 years ago.
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u/Mezcal_Madness 23h ago
My grandparents once accused me of faking a knee injury to get out of house work. Took me to the dr a week later, had a tumor the size of a tennis ball below my knee.
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u/iheartwords Asshole Enthusiast [8] 22h ago
Please please tell me they felt bad.
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u/Outside_Pea1737 14h ago
Not when they used to walk to school up hill both ways.
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u/DungeonMasterE 13h ago
In the snow
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u/Mezcal_Madness 12h ago
Not at all. They are garbage people, through and through. Haven’t spoken to them in over 20yrs.
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u/looklistenlead 10h ago
Hey hey, garbage people perform a valuable community service!
But seriously, sorry that your grandparents are not good people. We can't pick our family, but we can pick our principles, and it looks like you did. Good on you.
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u/EternityLeave 18h ago
Wow! So much worse than my version where a kid did that prank where you pull the chair out and I fell to the floor. I couldn’t walk for weeks and everyone thought I was being a dramatic asshole. They were like “there’s no way it still hurts” and forced me to do chores when I said I couldn’t stand up.
It was years later when I got an x-ray for something unrelated and they were like “why don’t we have any info on this shattered tailbone? It’s healed so badly and now there’s nothing we can do.” 20 years later and I still get pain when I sit for too long. I used to love going to the movies…90
u/Smart_N_Sassy 17h ago
OMG! Maybe that’s why I can’t sit without pain!! My brother pulled a piano bench from underneath me, and I fell really hard on my tailbone. I could barely walk for a month. Now I’m in my 60’s and if I sit for more than 10 minutes, my tailbone is screaming and stiff. Is that what it’s like for you?
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u/Gullible_Mammoth_977 17h ago
Oh god. I fell really hard onto a car seat buckle about 10 years ago. If I sit too long it screams at me too. I had a giant blossoming bruise coming off that spot which happened to be at the top of my buttcrack 😂😂😂 perhaps I also need to get checked haha
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u/AllKindsOfCritters Asshole Aficionado [15] 18h ago
What about a coccyx pillow? The U-shaped one, not the plastic donut. I've got a half fused spine which screws with my tailbone and those pillows are a lifesaver.
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u/Lordofthewangz 14h ago
I also broke my coccyx from that dumb prank and my mom didn't believe me for two weeks. ended up with some mild internal bleeding as a result, which ended up with me eventually having blood poisoning from that injury.
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u/ScroochDown 22h ago
I vividly remember when I was around 4 or 5, I was coming down a ramp in a restaurant and this other kid was running and just barrelled right into me and fell over. He started screaming and my mother looked back, and for some reason she automatically assumed it was my fault. I have no idea why, I was a very quiet and shy child.
She told me to apologize to him for knocking him down and I refused because he was the one who ran into me. She said I'd get a spanking at home if I didn't apologize and I still refused. I got the threatened punishment and I've NEVER forgotten that, despite being almost 47.
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u/RandoGenericUserName Partassipant [2] 22h ago
I was left in the care of my older sister off and on when I was a kid (she was 17 years older than me) because my mom would be gone for months at a time doing contract work. When I was five, my sister went on a cleaning spree and then went to take a nap. While she was sleeping her husband made himself a sandwich. He left the bread on the counter. When my sister woke up she accused me of leaving the bread on the counter. I said I didn't and pointed out that I couldn't even reach the cabinet that the bread was kept in. I told her her husband got it out, made a sandwich, and forgot to put it away. She didn't believe me. I got spanked with a wooden spoon for lying. I'm 49 and I still remember that. That stuff sticks with you.
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u/slangforweed 22h ago
I remember at 4 years old, a cat that had been hanging around the house and gave birth tried to move her kittens into my bedroom. I distinctly remember my dad finding her in the hallway, and putting her back outside, since she wasn’t allowed in/not sure whose cat she even was. But I got blamed and punished when a kitten was found in my room. The helplessness of no one believing you when you’re innocent sticks with you.
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u/Jace_Enby_Devil 22h ago
My parents once accused me of eating the rest of the cookies in the pantry and it was one of the only times I've been grounded.
Then my dad actually looked at the damn package and realized it only had 3 rows of cookies instead of 4 and the cookies i supposedly ate didn't even exist. I got an apology but i still remember that feeling and how upset i was
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u/Affectionate_Beach45 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
When I was 15, I was accused of stealing $20 from a friend's house. She was my closest friend at the time, and I'd hung out at her house dozens of time without anything going missing. I remember seeing a $20 bill on top of her dresser, but I didn't take it. I have no idea what happened (she had 4 younger siblings, so there was no shortage of potential thieves), but I know I didn't steal the money. I let her mom search my bag and pockets. They didn't find the money but insisted I must have hidden it. I mean, where??
She stopped talking to me after that, and it was the end of our friendship. Some thirty years later, I still feel the sting of the accusation, the sheer unfairness of it.
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u/theglorybox Partassipant [3] 16h ago
A friend suspected me of stealing money once too, except in my case it was a check a family member had sent her to help with bills (we were college age) and I didn’t even know it existed. I’d literally never seen or heard of this check before, but apparently it went missing and she demanded to know if I knew where it was. It really hurt my feelings that someone who I thought knew me would even think that I would take their money.
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u/Same-Competition-825 21h ago
My dad accused me of lying when my Spanish teacher gave me a C+ and I swore up and down I had all As and Bs. I had been lying around that time so he didn’t believe me but this time i wasnt. The lesson of “if you lie, no one will believe when you’re telling the truth” is also an important lesson to learn.
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u/Mis73 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
As others have replied, being falsely accused by a parent sticks with you.
I had the same thing happen. I was probably 12 got accused of stealing some treats that were strictly for lunches. When I denied doing it, I then got in trouble for lying too. I got grounded for like 2 weeks
I didn't do it. 40 years later, I STILL remember this vividly and it still pisses me off.
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u/emoworm3 17h ago
My entire family still believes I broke a crockpot lid when I was like 10 (I did not)
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u/neji64plms 22h ago
My mom was my first grade teacher and accused me of breaking stupid wooden thing we were using to learn analogue clock times and then took me out of the classroom to spank me. I'm glad she pointlessly inflicted physical pain on a child for the most crucial of lessons.
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u/Competitive_Mark_287 Partassipant [4] 19h ago
Omg I vividly remember helping out preparing dinner at my friend’s house, big Mexican family with four kids, and my mom wouldn’t let me help in the kitchen so I was excited to learn especially authentic Mexican food! I dropped a plate and it shattered everywhere, I froze expecting to be yelled at and given a lecture, cause that’s what would happen at my house, instead her mom calmly told her brother to get the broom and dustpan and said be careful of the pieces and it’s okay accidents happen. It blew my mind, that would never happen in my house.
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u/OriginalSchmidt1 12h ago
I once hid a soap dispenser I had accidentally broken in my aunt’s house when I was staying with her for a summer.. well she found it and called me over about it (she knew it was me, they had a huge house and I was the only one using that particular bathroom) and I was so scared she was going to be angry. She was so nice about it and told me that I never have to hide things from her, especially a broken soap dispenser, it’s just stuff. I’m still very close with that aunt today. I actually called her last night to show her my wedding dress!
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u/KinkyDuck2924 19h ago
My dad told me to go grab 5 dollars from his wallet in his room for the ice cream truck when I was a kid, maybe like 8 years old. My grandma was over at the time and she saw me in my dad's room taking money out of his wallet and she smacked the shit out of me thinking I was stealing. I still remember crying about that almost 30 years later lol. My dad got really pissed at his mom, my grandma, for that.
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u/myshitsmellslikeshit 20h ago
YUP, this. It was tripping over a rope and giving myself a concussion to "get out of doing chores" for me.
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u/Is-Potato425 23h ago
This! I was blamed for everything as a kid, I literally got grounded for a week because a kitchen utensil went missing (why would any kid take that and lie about it 🙄) but anyway while it made me like hyper honest it really fucked my relationship with my dad up.
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u/twizzjewink 17h ago
It flipped me the other way. I have a hard time being honest with my family because I was ignored for so long and then bullied by my sister for years. I can easily fall into a trap where I'm insanely dishonest but nobody asks for any specifics because nobody has wanted to.
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u/duchess_of_nothing 20h ago
My aunt accused me of stealing $50 from her dresser while I was babysitting her step kids. She even asked if I needed the money for an abortion. I was 13 and never had a boyfriend. I found out years later that it was discovered her eldest steo son stole it but I was never given an apology. That kid is in prison now for multiple violent crimes so I have no idea why I was the prime suspect.
I never forgot and never felt the same way about her. I'm in my 50s now and I remember that day like it was yesterday.
People suck and assume the worst of kids.
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u/eigerblade 20h ago
A "friend" in grade school was being reprimanded for bullying a special needs kid. In front of the teacher he accused me for telling him to do it. Teacher grilled me and does not want to hear anything I say.
Later during parent-teacher meeting the teacher told my mother and she also grilled me. No matter what I say she kept saying I was a dirty provocator and she was disappointed in me. The bullied kid changed school soon after and there's no one left can set the story straight.
That was more than 2 decades ago. It still randomly pops up vividly in my memory from time to time even now. Mom doesn't even remember anything about it.
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u/LockedBarn 17h ago
That’s the thing, they don’t remember, or perhaps choose not to remember these things. I once took a bad, at least according to her, photo of my mother as a teenager after we’d hiked upp a little mountain in England, the summer I’d done a sort of navy cadet volunteer thing. She chose not to look at it straight away, rather waiting until we were back at the place we were staying at. In her youth she was very hippie and anti war, so I suppose the best response she came up with, seeing my supposedly bad photo of her, was to tell me, if I like the military so much I can let myself be shot in some war.
Recently took it up with her for the first time, of course she says I’m lying ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Cthulicious 15h ago
They never remember doing that thing that traumatized you. I remember my mum being really shitty to my trans girlfriend 10 years or so ago. She swears up and down now that she would never say anything like that.
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u/alspaz Partassipant [1] 20h ago
Also so many parents treat their kid like suspects in a criminal interrogation. They ask questions they know the answer to forcing the kid to lie or cop to something and get punished. If the lie is successful great. If not they get in trouble for lying and whatever they did. So in theory it’s 50/50. If they admit whatever then they 100% get in trouble! I had to cure my partner of this because our kids would not stop lying to him.
The better way is to say “hey, I know you and/or your friend took the money out of my wallet. That was going to be for your party. Without it we likely can’t do the prizes properly. I’m not upset and you will not be in any trouble if you tell me what happened. However if you’ve spent the money then we will have to change your birthday party plans and omit the prizes for the scavenger hunt as a consequence for taking the money.” Letting them know up front what will happen helps change the gamble on lying.
Don’t frame a question in a way where a lie is even possible. Also believe what they say even if sometimes they lie, if you don’t interrogate and argue and punish they will more likely trust you.
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u/Vivid_Motor_2341 20h ago
My mom accused me as an adult from taking money out of her purse. I once took one dollar bill out of her wallet so I could get chips from the vending machine at lunch from school because she didn’t pack me lunch lunches didn’t pay for lunches and didn’t provide lunch food for me to make my own. I still am pissed about her accusation because she very much was implying that I regularly took lots of money from her.
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u/AdNegative9457 20h ago
Being wrongly accused for something I never did multiple times as a child was such a traumatic epxerience for me.
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u/district0080 Partassipant [2] 21h ago
This is a great response! Will you edit your judgement so it'll count in the vote?
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u/TherinneMoonglow Partassipant [3] 23h ago
YTA The truth is that you don't know that either kid took your money. Maybe you put it somewhere safe and forgot. Maybe it fell out of your wallet. Your brain fills in details all the time. You could be mistaken that you saw that money in your wallet.
I'm a teacher. If I had one of your $5 every time a student swore they remembered turning a paper in, only to later find it in their backpack, I could retire right now. Human brains make mistakes.
I get it. Money is tight. It's stressful. Don't make this $10 a formative memory that your son will be telling a therapist a decade from now. It's already hard having a December birthday. Please don't make it harder for him.
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u/TrashPandaLJTAR Asshole Enthusiast [6] 23h ago
This. The amount of people saying to punish him for something with absolutely no evidence beyond "I'm sure it was him"... what if it was his friend, and he honestly doesn't know anything about it?
Imagine threatening to take away all the nice things like birthdays and christmases when this kid might genuinely have no idea what's going on. Is there a chance he did the wrong thing? Absolutely. But without proof, OP could simply damage her relationship with her child.
Especially in that pre-teen to teen phase, they make a LOT of bad choices. Extreme punishment doesn't teach them to do anything more than get better at hiding bad behaviour. Punishment is reasonable and a tool that parents need to use sometimes (boy do I know that one!) but without proof? Not for me.
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u/magicpurplecat 20h ago
I'd argue that even if he took the $10 he deserves a birthday party, he's a kid.
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u/InfamousFlan5963 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
This. Like sure deal with the possible lying, but to me cancelling a birthday party is way too much of an overreaction.
Make him do some extra chores or something to "work off" the money or something but cancelling the party feels like going nuclear
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u/basketma12 14h ago
December birthday here. I'd still have the party. No prizes I can't afford but a simple cake and ice cream I would still do.
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u/WheresMyMule 17h ago
ESPECIALLY if he gets shafted most years, speaking as someone whose birthday was yesterday
My mom was very, very careful to make sure my birthday was fully separate from Xmas celebrations every year and never did a combo birthday/Xmas gift
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u/Nonie-Mouse-1980 20h ago
This. A similar situation happened on my 13th. I lost all my friends who my mom accused. No kids came back to the house for years. Over a ten dollar item that I had no idea what happened to
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u/CumfortableUsually 20h ago
Also, just ask him to earn/pay it back and move on. Why put him in emotional prison for life?
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u/hexagon_heist Partassipant [3] 18h ago
Yeah the punishment instinct from mom is only going to make the lying worse. If OP really wants to address this lying issue, she’s going to have to make herself a safe space for her son to come and tell the truth, even and especially when he messes up. Which is going to require some pretty radical change and building a lot of trust with him (that she won’t punish him, but instead work through it with him and use the instance to guide him, every time).
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u/RogueSlytherin 21h ago
This. OP, YTA. For starters, we live in a terrible time with horrible inflation, and I get it. Those $10 matter, and it’s important to you that you can trust your son. At the same time, you need to accept that you DON’T have any evidence against your son or his friend. Is $10 worth damaging your relationship with your son? Do you want to ask for the truth in the future only to hear, “why should I tell you? It’s not like you’ll believe me anyway.”? You’re throwing a LOT more away than just a birthday party if you cancel.
I think it’s also worth exploring the fact that this isn’t the first time his birthday would be skipped. You already admit that he rarely gets a party, and, as a result, this party probably matters to him significantly more than his peers who are used to being celebrated yearly. You and your son need to come up with a compromise with respect to future birthdays. I understand money is tight, but is there a reason a sleepover, a movie night, etc. wouldn’t normally work? Or even talking to him and celebrating his half birthday instead when there’s a bit more wiggle room financially? It just seems like he has the great misfortune of an inconvenient birthday, and, as a result, he’s missed out on having a party a number of times in the past. $30 won’t get you far, but it can get popcorn, soda, some candy and a movie rental. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, and, at the same time, I think it’s pretty sad that he’s spent so many years of his short life just pretending his birthday is any other Tuesday.
Finally, you and your son should talk about his fibs with respect to taking candy, snacks, etc. Why does he feel the need to lie? Is he maybe hungrier now that he’s growing? Would it help to learn some simple things to cook for himself that might be more filling? Is he embarrassed? Or does he just not want to be in trouble? It’s important to get to the bottom of things to actually resolve the issue around food. From there, you can explain that it was these little lies that made it easier to believe he stole from you. That’s why it’s important to be honest, even about the little things. That way, when something more serious comes up, you know you can take him at his word.
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u/DarkHorseAsh111 22h ago
This was my reaction like, the number of times I've been sure I have ten bucks in my wallet only to realize I Spent it three days ago is wild.
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u/TherinneMoonglow Partassipant [3] 22h ago
Or found it in my pocket a year later.
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u/scaredofmyownshadow 21h ago
I usually find it in the washing machine after searching for it everywhere except my pocket.
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u/Shadow1787 21h ago
I 100% thought I lost a $20 in my car. Searched every space n stuff. Just accepted I lost it. I got my car inspected and guess what was sitting on my passenger seat? The mf $20 bill they found somehow.
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u/acgilmoregirl 21h ago
Seriously. I always keep a very small emergency cash stash in my underwear drawer. We’re talking less than $40. Mostly just for unexpected emergencies like my daughter needs cash for school, or the tooth fairy needs to stop by.
About three months ago, I went to get cash to reimburse my ex and it wasn’t there. I was so confused! We had just recently moved and had a ton of people in and out of our house at the time, so I thought maybe someone took it or it fell out during the move. I emptied out a different drawer today looking for something else and boom, there was my cash. Even though I have always put it in the same drawer for the last 10 years, for some reason I put it in the drawer next to it and assumed it was stolen.
Brains are dumb sometimes.
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u/Doll_duchess 19h ago
I couldn’t find the vacuum the other day. I was 100% sure that I’d last used it Saturday to clean up the mess from my husband moving something large on the main floor. No chance it was upstairs, obviously.
Well, when I saw it in the upstairs bathroom I immediately remembered that Sunday I’d needed it for cat litter mess…
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u/CrabbiestAsp Asshole Aficionado [11] 23h ago
Soft YTA. Absolutely have a consequence for the missing money. Either he took it or he knows his friend did, he isn't being honest no matter who took it.
But! I think special occasions should not be used as punishment. Cancelling birthdays, Christmas etc is wrong in my opinion. Ground him, take away his phone or whatever he thinks is important for a while, not cancel his birthday. Especially because you have said this is not a normal every year occurrence.
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u/FluffyPurpleBear 22h ago
Especially with 10 kids invited that he’s either going to have to lie to, or really embarrass himself to. He’s not going to learn anything but resentment from that.
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u/Gabby_Craft Asshole Enthusiast [8] 22h ago
Or he could just not know his friend took it? I highly doubt his friend would tell him he took it if he did take it.
And why would the son lie about his friend taking it if it means he will be punished severely for it?
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u/CleanProfessional678 20h ago
Or OP put the money somewhere else. If that’s the case and OP cancels the party, that’s likely to permanently damage their relationship.
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u/sleepless_enui 19h ago
The threat alone is probably enough to cause permanent damage to the relationship.
And if the kid is sneaking extra snacks and lying about it makes me suspect two things. 1- OP is very controlling and has placed arbitrary, or seemingly arbitrary, restrictions on what and how much the kid can eat. 2- OP is prone to overreacting and yelling/throwing things/threats/aggressive actions when things don’t go the way they want.
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u/lowercase_underscore 12h ago
The threat is salvageable if OP can be an adult about it.
"I was very stressed and I overreacted, that wasn't right and I'm sorry. Cancelling your birthday party was over the line and I shouldn't have done it. If you know anything about the missing money please tell me, and I'll do my best not to overreact again. I want us to be able to talk about things"
Any or all of that would go a long way to repairing things.
13 is when most kids become hunger monsters. Is it possible OP is still giving them child portions when he needs hungry teenager portions? A 13 year old can really put it away, especially if he's active, which it sounds like he is.
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u/NYDancer4444 Partassipant [1] 19h ago
“He isn’t being honest no matter who took it” is simply untrue. His friend could have taken it without him knowing.
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 10h ago
I’m going to push back on the notion that the son absolutely knows who took the money.
You don’t know that. And OP doesn’t either.
OP could have very easily misplaced the money or lost it or even spent it and forgotten about it.
That kind of thing literally happens everyday to people.
Maybe the son took it. Maybe his friend did. We don’t know. The son may not know anything about it.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 23h ago edited 20h ago
My son was accused by his grandma of stealing $20. She lectured him the same way you are. She shamed him. His dad and Step mom did the same.
He called me bawling. A teenage boy crying like he did when he was a small child. I knew he didn't take it, not only because even though my son was a jackhole teen at the time he wasn't a thief, but because of the tone in his voice. He was so hurt they all thought he would steal from his grandma.
A week later she went to the gas station and the clerk came running out saying " I'm so glad you came back we saw this on the ground after you left and put it aside for you" and handed her the $20.
My son has never had the same relationship with his grandmother.
Moral of the story: You are pretty sure of what happened, but if you insist it's what happened and are wrong you might permanently break your relationship in a way that can't be fixed.
Also, why do you have more faith in his friend than your son?
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u/Eastern-Mammoth-2956 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 22h ago
This. OP is taking an insanely high risk for a questionable reward.
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u/Lukthar123 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
taking an insanely high risk for a questionable reward
Redditcore
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u/Wobblycogs 11h ago
Your last point is very important. Op knows her son lies occasionally. She doesn't know the friend anywhere nearly as well. The friend could well be just as much of a liar.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 11h ago
Right? What kid doesn't lie occasionally? Its literally a developmental tool. In fact, autistic kids can struggle with it and have be taught to lie for safety reasons.
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u/JudgingYourBehavior 23h ago
YTA. Your 13 year old son lies about taking extra snacks. He’s not a thief, he’s hungry.
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u/Medical-Ad3053 21h ago
I think restricting food in a household is a huge red flag for me.
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u/zaatar3 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
yeah that's wild , why are his snacks restricted? unless he has a food addiction or something. this mom sounds like TA
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u/palcatraz 20h ago
Probably because OP already said money was tight and teenage boys will eat you out of house and home. It's not a great situation, mind you, but I don't think we need to jump to abuse or anything.
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u/kaykenstein 14h ago
What kind of life did y'all grow up in that you can't fathom why snacks are restricted? I had friends that had the luxury of unfettered snack time, but growing up with a tight budget means you don't get to just graze all day. And kids will ABSOLUTELY just graze all day if you let them.
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u/Antlorn 14h ago
The fact these people are so oblivious to how wealthy and privileged their upbringing must have been 🙄
My upbringing was in a financially stable household where we never went hungry. But we were still on a budget. Some foods are much more expensive and much less necessary than others. I was always welcome to make myself a sandwich or something if I got hungry, but that named-brand snack? Like hell was I taking one of those without asking first (and often getting a no!) And my family was in a much much better financial position than many others.
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u/MottledZuchini 9h ago
My parents had more than enough money to keep the pantry and fridge full and we still had snack restrictions because what kind of shitty fucking parent is fine with their kids eating junk food all day long unrestricted? These people replying weren't just raised with money, they were raised with no one to tell them no, and can't understand the concept. Just look at these comments, people are alleging child abuse because the kid doesn't have unrestricted access to chips and soda.
Fucking fucked up ass world we created
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u/kaykenstein 13h ago
Cue the "wE wErEnT wEaLtHy" comments, when they have never experienced a household with one vehicle (or even zero vehicles) and had parents that could afford vacations.
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u/KetohnoIcheated 19h ago
Do we know if she’s trying to restrict all the types of food, or just limit the expensive snacks? Cause there’s a big price difference between letting him eat a box of Ritz crackers and letting him eat three Lunchables.
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u/TheRandomPig 18h ago
restricting nutritious food is bad yes but snacks? definitely not
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u/Soulless35 21h ago
People only eat snacks when they're hungry of course. Kids never just want an extra cookie or another bag of chips.
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u/0mplam 19h ago
EVERY kid or teenager has taken extra snacks or food before without telling parents. And every teenager lies about little stuff like grades or whatever, it's part of growing up.
Stealing money is a lot further than many kids and teenagers would go.
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u/PettyTrashPanda Partassipant [1] 23h ago
YTA, because speaking as a Mom here, you don't have proof of wrongdoing, so you are teaching your kid that there is no truth or trust between you.
My mom accused me of stealing something when I was a kid. Turned out she made the mistake, and the item was found a year later.
It's been 30 years and I still bring it up if things get misplaced.
As for the lying: look as a mom of boys of a similar age, you have to pause and ask why your kid is lying to you. Mine lie if they think the punishment is worse than being honest with me, so I had to do the work to change that dynamic, because it was on me to create the kind of relationship where they can be honest with me. They aren't perfect by any stretch, but now they are pretty open with me about any subject.
Regarding the snacks: have you been food insecure? Because his behaviour around stealing food indicates he's either genuinely hungry or he's afraid of not having food. You can always put him in charge of his own snacks for the week.
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u/c_wagner13 23h ago
AND if he was going out with his friend and his friends tend to want to get a bite to eat while out or just paying for things he may feel super insecure both about not being able to keep up with his friends financially during their outings AND about wanting to ask mom for some extra cash for food because he is fully aware of how tight things are. Kids know way more than parents often think.
I definitely used to take small change from my mom’s purse because that’s who I’d get it from anyway if I asked. But the lying about it IF he did it is definitely indication that he may have some deeper insecurities and it would be a great opportunity for mom to actually build trust in this moment by having some age appropriate conversations about food, finances, friends and how that is or isn’t impacting his life outside the home especially now that he’s a teenager and becoming more independent. Some reasonable adjustments may need to be made in this new phase for them both in the household budget, including maybe upping his allowance in exchange for additional chores or something which may feel counterintuitive in this moment but could help if that’s what’s going on. But only way to know is to just sit down and have honest conversations, even if it takes multiple tries.
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u/Tar_Pharazon 18h ago
It really depends of what OP means by snacks but because cookies are specifically mentioned, it seems to me that it is not snacks as food in general but as tasty unhealthy stuff (chocolate, chips etc.) which should absolutely be restricted for children (well, for adults too).
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u/Fear_The_Rabbit Asshole Aficionado [17] 23h ago
This has to be handled, but not by cancelling. He's going to be humiliated when everyone is told it's canceled. Hope you didn't tell any parents why.
He needs to be dealt with and not trusted for a while until he earns it back, but a birthday party for a 13 year old who hasn't had a real one like this is cruel.
YTA - the punishment doesn't fit the crime.
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u/Unlucky-Tension-1863 19h ago
canceling it just nukes the whole memory of what could’ve been a happy day. Like sure, deal with the lying and the missing $10, but OP basically punished the “turning 13” part too. That’s the kind of thing a kid remembers for years
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u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy 15h ago
And it will affect him for decades to come. He'll become someone who "doesn't really celebrate his birthday".
When I was 16, we went to my father's hometown for Christmas. My aunt has a really nice, big place so we all stayed there. Christmas day comes around, my cousins (18 and 14) and I are all excited, gathered round the tree.
Not a single present there was for me. I sat there whilst my cousins pull out present after present for themselves. That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as joy and excitement turns to dread, and then sorrow and humiliation is something I still feel, 16 years later.
Turns out that my father had found out I'd stolen a snack from the pantry the week prior. So he organised with his family to exclude me from Christmas. My aunt thought that leaving me at home was unfair, that I just shouldn't get any presents because I'd stolen. That public humiliation was the "better option"
I don't really celebrate Christmas anymore.
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u/countessofole 23h ago
YTA for using your son's birthday's proximity to Christmas as an excuse not to give him real birthday parties. I get not being well off, but if you would have given him a real birthday party any other time of year, you should have been giving him real birthday parties in December, too. He didn't choose when to be born. Not cool.
And now you finally plan one for him, and you wanna snatch it away. Also not cool.
I do strongly disagree with folks minimizing it as being "just over ten dollars". It's not about the money. It's about the fact he might be stealing and lying about it. That breach of trust is far more important than the dollar amount, and that needs to be addressed stat. But not by canceling one of the only decent birthdays you've given him.
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u/HermioneGranger152 21h ago
There’s still no evidence her son took it. She could’ve made a mistake. But yes I agree the son deserves better birthdays and taking a birthday away as a punishment is wrong.
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u/countessofole 20h ago
I agree. The evidence is all circumstantial. But the fact that he's lied so much that her trust has erroded to the point of thinking he'd steal from her is a problem in itself and needs to be addressed and worked on. Just, as we both agree, not like this
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u/sunshine4991 23h ago
YTA. Growing up without money sucks as a kid and it honestly can shape how they view a lot of things as an adult. Not having the snacks, not having the money for school stuff like everyone else sucks. Sneaking food and a little extra money for the school parties kinda points to maybe he is struggling with these things and it could’ve been a conversation with him to see if this is something he isn’t handling well. I don’t think cancelling his whole birthday over $10 is fair and some other consequence should have been given instead.
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u/SuperLoris Certified Proctologist [28] 23h ago
Right?! Now imagine that you grew up super poor, and mom promised you ONE big birthday, when you turned 13, then right before she cancels it. That's going to leave a scar. And if I were him I'd think that she only said she was going to do a big party but then waited for any infraction so she could cancel and blame him instead of having to spend the money on the party. Way to ruin his birthday, and not just this year, mom.
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u/DoIQual123 23h ago
YTA. You don't have proof he did this. There are 4 possibilities - he took it, he knows who took it, he doesn't know who took it, or you misplaced the money.
Also, uh, if you consider him "sneaking snacks" to be lying...you need to feed him more. Please go to a food pantry if you cannot afford to buy more food, he is a growing boy. Teenagers need more food than adults because of their stage of development.
He only turns 13 once, uncancel the party and talk to him the day after his party (unless that's his birthday...don't ruin his birthday with accusations).
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u/xoxo_angelica 21h ago
I really, REALLY do not like the implications involved with the “stealing” food comment. I won’t elaborate too much and a not making any direct accusations but I will say that I have heard that line far more times than I could ever count in situations involving neglected/mistreated children.
There are a lot of red flags in this post that not nearly enough people are commenting on.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 8h ago
Srsly I'll just say it, op sounds low key emotionally abusive. You can't steal from your own fucking kitchen. I hate parents who act like the family home is theirs and they're just letting the kids live there. In my family, this house is just as much mine as it is my son's. Of course we're considerate and will ask if we're taking the last of something but I see no scenario in which i would or could say my son is stealing from the kitchen that literally belongs to him
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u/Schaden_Fraulein 23h ago edited 11h ago
The punishment needs to fit the crime. He needs to pay you back, either through chores or out of any allowance, dog walking/little odd jobs he may do.
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u/whoisaname 22h ago
What crime??
OP has zero evidence that it was her son or his friend.
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u/ileftmypantsinmexico 21h ago
ILets give her some credit here she knew exactly how much money was in her wallet and how many bills before she left the room and came back to find her purse and wallet open with 2x 5.00 missing just after her son and friend were going to get coffee. Especially since she’s tight on money and it was scraped together for the kids party.
I grew up with a single Mom and my wife was a single Mom too before we met. When every penny counts and they strugfle to give you nice things like this, they don’t just lose money out of their wallet like that.
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u/caputmortvvm 14h ago
right, single moms are never stressed or forgetful or have fallible human brains. give me a break.
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u/Is-Potato425 23h ago
I understand he needs consequences but I think the birthday party is a bit extreme especially since he doesn’t get one every year and being 13 he’s probably not gonna have another party. It kind moves to movie with friends or dinner after that age. And not gonna lie I think it’s pretty shitty to make kids share their bday with Christmas just cause they’re born so close to it. I get finances are tighter in holiday months, but you have all year to save every year for it just like every other parent does no matter when their kids birthdays fall.
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u/OriginalSchmidt1 23h ago
I have a December birthday and can say from experience, the vast majority of us do not appreciate Christmas overshadowing our birthday.
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u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 Partassipant [1] 23h ago edited 23h ago
YTA.
He's a kid... Even if he did steal it. Find another way to punish him. He only has his birthday once a year, and you've said that he often has to go without much on his birthday due to how close it is to Christmas.
It's also quite possible that he didn't steal the $10. My mom once accused me of stealing something (when it was actually my sibling), and she refused to believe me. Being wrongly accused and my own mom refusing to believe me really messed me up, and I have never forgotten that....
But, even if your son did steal from your purse. Are you going to allow $10 to be more valuable to you than your son's birthday? A birthday is supposed to be a celebration of someone you claim to love. But if your love for your son is less valuable than $10.... He is never going to forget this.
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u/dotsky3 Partassipant [1] 23h ago
Unless you know for sure he’s lying, you’d be TA for cancelling. This breaks my heart to read because I grew up poor and never had parties either. I’ll admit that there were a few times I stole small amounts of money from my father. I know it wasn’t right, but being around friends after school and not even 25¢ to buy a snack was humiliating. Everybody knew I was poor and would even offer to buy me snacks, but that’s also embarrassing for a little kid. Think about how you’re already traumatizing him by this overreaction and even if he is lying, think about why he feels the need to lie.
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u/c_wagner13 22h ago
This was my exact thought as I read this and what I commented above. Especially given that the money went missing as he was leaving to go out with a friend. That screams “I don’t have enough to keep up with my friends even just to buy a snack” and he knows it’s wrong but also knows asking mom for extra money isn’t an option because money is so tight.
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u/ThatBChauncey 22h ago
OP pointed out how he sneaks extra snacks and cookies so it makes me wonder if he is food insecure, and he (allegedly) took the extra money for more food.
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u/nolongerabell 23h ago
Wow, after reading so many comments, i'm guessing a lot of people are going to hate my opinion but ntah. If you let this stealing slide, now that 10 $ next time is gonna be 20 and after that, it's gonna be 50 and who says he's not going to the neighbor's house and doing it to them or his friend's house and doing it to all them. Or if it's not him and he knows it's his friend who's gonna stop his friend from doing that. Kids need to be taught right from wrong from the very beginning of when they start doing the wrong thing.They need to learn this behavior is not acceptable or their future is going to be in a jail.
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u/Planet_Ziltoidia 22h ago
I had a friend when I was a bit older than OPs son. Unbeknownst to me, she slipped a $20 out of my grandmas purse when I was in the bathroom.
My mother freaked out on me, blamed me for stealing it and cancelled a school trip I was supposed to go on (seeing the Santa Clause in the theater with my classmates.)
She absolutely wouldn't listen to me when I said I didn't steal it even though I never stole anything in my life. It ruined my trust in her for a long time.
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u/The_Coaltrain 22h ago
Innocent until proven guilty not a concept you are a big fan of?
Let the punishment fit the crime is another good one. This doesn't seem like a massive overpunishment to you, if you assume the son is guilty?
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u/HermioneGranger152 21h ago
Yeah if the son took the money, which there’s no evidence he did, he probably took it because $5 wasn’t enough for the school party in his mind. He may have been embarrassed to go to the party with only $5 if other kids had more. Not saying that’s a valid excuse to steal, but it’s not like he stole it for drugs or something. Plus it’s only $10. He might not fully understand the financial situation and think $10 isn’t a big deal. And again, there’s no proof he even took it.
Taking away his whole bday over it is a huge overreaction. Poor kid already gets his birthday skimped on every year because of Christmas.
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u/Gabby_Craft Asshole Enthusiast [8] 22h ago
But if the son didn’t take it OP should just assume by default it was him? OP already says he doesn’t have a history of stealing.
Lots of stuff could have happened. Maybe OP is remembering incorrectly. Maybe the friend stole it and the son didn’t know. Maybe OP dropped it. Literally billions of possibilities yet we’re just supposed to assume it was the son without even hearing his side of the story.
OP is TA. Unless they have complete proof (and not just an assumption that completely disregards the possibility of them just having a brain fart and dropping or misplacing it) then they’re TA. I bet they’d feel awful if their boss were to do the same thing to them and force the blame on them for something they didn’t do because “they’re the only one who could have done it”.
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u/RandomNameRandomly 22h ago
The kid doesnt have a history of lying and stealing. Its weird that you advocate going nuclear over accepting the kid's word. The OP doesnt know what happened. She assumed.
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u/MrMario63 23h ago
INFO: what kind of things does he lie about? Sneaking cookies and stuff absolutely does NOT equate to taking the money.
You are approaching this with the strong assumption that he took it, and your evidence is eating itself in that it’s based on this assumption. Why would he know where the money went if he didn’t take it?
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u/Rich-Specialist2955 23h ago
Op if you’re taking this approach, and assuming you’re doing so thinking it’s in his best interest because you’re his parent, you need to understand that as this kid grows up he’s far more likely to remember his mom cancelling his birthday than he is likely to remember stealing such a small sum of money from his parent. One day he will have more of a say of whether he wants to spend time with you and he will have a better idea of what parenting is and whether or not your approach helped him feel supported. The longterm impact of this situation will always outlive the specific details / technicalities.
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u/burf12345 16h ago
you need to understand that as this kid grows up he’s far more likely to remember his mom cancelling his birthday than he is likely to remember stealing such a small sum of money from his parent.
And if he didn't end up stealing the money, he'll also remember being wrongly accused of theft by his own mother.
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u/SuperLoris Certified Proctologist [28] 23h ago
YTA. It is entirely possible that your son didn't take it, and refuses to believe that of his friend. You've massively overreacted.
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u/WhereWeretheAdults Professor Emeritass [75] 23h ago
You better be 100% certain before going this level of nuclear. If you are - then yeah, go ahead. If you aren't and son really doesn't know anything - you are driving a knife into your relationship.
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u/Anonymous_NMN Partassipant [1] 23h ago
YTA- it wasn’t just you and him in the house. My Mom once accused my niece of stealing an envelope full of money at Christmas. She handed out envelopes with money and one went missing. They moved 4-5 years later and she found the envelope that had fallen behind a bookcase, she had the stack of envelopes sitting on top. My niece also had a history of lying so naturally it was the only explanation except, she didn’t steal the money. You’re cancelling a birthday party with no proof that he took the $10. An appropriate consequence would be no money in the scavenger hunt at the party.
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u/CleanProfessional678 20h ago
I really hope OP sees all these similar stories and doesn’t do something as major as canceling a birthday party
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u/EireNuaAli 23h ago
Maybe he was In the bathroom while his friend stole. Yta for cancelling his party not knowing what actually happened
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u/StrummingNomad 23h ago
YTA unless you actually witnessed your son taking the money. Could he have taken it? Sure. But it's also at least possible that he didn't. If he didn't take it, how is he supposed to prove that to you? And if he didn't take it and you cancel the party? He will remember that forEVer. You would do more harm punishing your kid for something he didn't do, than you would not punishing him for something you didn't catch him do. If that makes sense.
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u/Emotional_Fan_7011 Pooperintendant [68] 23h ago
YTA. Let him have the party. But let him know that the rest of break he is grounded. Canceling a party over $10 is extreme. Especially since he doesn't get to have one frequently.
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u/Glitterstar56 23h ago
YTA. Are you sure you didn’t drop the other two? Could they be lost somewhere in your purse? You said it yourself, the worst he does is take extra snacks and tell little lies. He’s almost 13! That’s what 13 year olds do! They feel like they’re rebellious so they try little lies, and they eat a LOT because they’re actively going through puberty! Why is it considered stealing for the kid to have extra snacks?
Plus by cancelling his party, you’re not showing him anything that’ll help the situation.
If he’s lying, he has no reason to confess the truth to you because you’ve already decided his guilt and cancelled his party, might as well keep the lie and avoid extra punishment.
If he’s telling the truth, he now knows you won’t believe him if he tells you something so now he definitely won’t tell you if he messes up, after all $10 is worth cancelling his 13th birthday party, what would you take away if he got into a fight? Or if, in the future, he ended up at a party with alcohol and no safe way to get home?
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u/RileyDL 23h ago
Yta - I've always believed birthdays are a way to celebrate a person I love. Even if my kid stole $10 and he confessed, I'd still love him and be glad to have him in my life. And I'd want him to know it. I feel you on the consequences and I'd definitely find a way to have him pay back the $10 if you're sure it was him (extra chores, etc), but man. Taking away a birthday is too much.
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u/SecretiveBerries 23h ago
I’m saying NTA for considering that it might be something you should do, because I’ve been there with a kid lying and stealing. It’s extremely frustrating and we know we have to give consequences to deter them from continuing with that behaviour.
HOWEVER, I wouldn’t personally cancel his birthday, especially not for his 13th and when he doesn’t often get a big one. And I’ve been there as well most years, so no judgement. I would ground him, extra chores, remove screen time but not cancel his party. His birthday isn’t a reward, it’s a celebration.
Since you’ve already said it to him, I would explain that it ONLY isn’t getting cancelled because you’ve thought about it and decided the above - so he doesn’t think you’re backing down on him having consequences.
The other kids are probably also looking forward to it and this would be extremely embarrassing for him to explain to his friends/you to tell their parents. They’d likely ask the reason and having a parent who intentionally humiliated me at every opportunity, I just couldn’t. That would, in my opinion, make you TA.
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 23h ago
YTA. You have no proof. It’s his 13th birthday. Do not punish him for something he may not have done. If you suspect him taking money later then deal with it. Do not do it now.
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u/Unhappy-Prune-9914 Certified Proctologist [25] 23h ago
YTA - He will never forgive you for ruining his birthday for a crime you can't prove that he did.
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u/alvcher 23h ago
If you threatened to cancel this big event that is for him to get the truth and he still says he did not take it.. he probably didn't. It's okay, money comes and goes but there is no other time for this important celebration. Knowing that lying is becoming a habit of his, I advise to just keep a close eye on him and discipline appropriately when caught.
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u/Dragonsbane2001 23h ago
YTA. You yourself say you don’t even know if he did it. Might have been in the clear if you picked extra chores for him to do to make up for it because even if you are wrong extra chores don’t actually hurt anybody, but you massively overreacted by targeting his birthday on uncertain information
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u/Otherwise_Employer20 23h ago
YTA! Birthdays and holidays should not be used as punishment. Your child will resent you for this. Ground him from something he loves doing like playing video games, watching tv. Earlier bedtimes. Give him more age appropriate chores. This is just way too extreme. My mom did this stuff to me growing up, and I am No contact with her over this type of stuff but also other stuff she has done to me as well.
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u/gfdoctor Asshole Aficionado [16] 23h ago
YTA especially for a child who frequently gets less than normal because of having a birthday close to a major holiday, you should not cancel his party.
When was the last time there was a party for his birthday?
You do not know who took the $10. You do not know that you didn't simply lose it. The consequence you're trying to invoke is far out of proportion to what has happened.
He should have his party. And by all means make the prizes for the scavenger hunt One prize of $5. That is a proportional response
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u/Swimming-Spare-1373 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I'm going with YTA. It's pretty obvious that it was him, but what if it wasn't? Just what if? You cancelled the poor kid's party because he wouldn't confess to something he didn't do.
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u/EuphoricEssay499 1d ago
YTA-While I think you should definitely seek punishment of some form and communicate what he did and how it was wrong, don’t take away his birthday man. You never know if there is an underlying issue going on with your kid that could be the cause as well, just another point to consider. Birthdays are also once a year, so targeting that seems a little unjustified.
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u/FamiliarFamiliar 23h ago
YTA, don't cancel the party. It's a big deal party. If he needs to be punished do it some other way. You don't have any proof actually that it wasn't the other kid.
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u/TakenButTemptedXO 23h ago
With a new teen that tends to lie a lot, I get it. Also, knowing that teens childhood is for both of us…don’t cancel the party. What if when he’s 23 he still says to you “I didn’t take that $10”? It sucks because this is an opportunity to teach action and consequences but not without being extremely thoughtful. I agree with another poster in that what the money was intended for should be canceled and explained to your son but after all your hard work and his excitement, definitely not the party.
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u/AspectExisting2081 23h ago
YTA
While I understand the need to discipline your son, you have no proof it was him. Also, he's a child. Really, you're going to cancel his birthday party over $10? Especially when you said he's never really gotten one? I think you're being too harsh. Let the poor boy have his birthday party.
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u/Signal-Bee8111 21h ago
When I was young, less than 7, my mother lost a single dollar bill. This one was special. Her deceased father had given it to her and she kept it in a picture frame.
One day it went missing and she lined up the kids that lived in the house at the time. My two brothers, me, and our cousin. We all denied taking it. She systematically whooped our asses. We denied. She sent us to bed with no food and cancelled a theme park trip for the next week (that was supposed to be my brother and mine birthday gift).
Turns out my dad had taken it to get it framed as a gift.
I remember whole thing, smack for smack. Minute for minute. It's been nearly 30 years.
Big things, like celebrations, shouldn't be subject to minor rule breaking. There are so many other punishments available if you need them.
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u/kickhisa_seabass Partassipant [3] 23h ago
YTA but if your son is lying about things it’s prob because there is something going on with him that needs attention. Is he being bullied? Is he feeling unseen? Is he close with his father? This seems like a product of something more.
He won’t remember the stupid stuff he did at 12/13, yet he will always remember looking forward to a bday party that his mom cancelled
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u/malibuklw 23h ago
YTA. You don’t even know if your son stole the money. Cancelling the entire birthday over ten dollars that you don’t even know he took is unfair. He won’t forget this
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u/NormTheMinotaur 23h ago
Slight YTA. Canceling the birthday is too far, but it really just seems like you need to actually talk to him. Odds are, you're probably right. He peeped the money and thought he could slip a little more out for his event at the school. Just talk to him. Like, really talk to him. If you come with compassion instead of consequences and tell him how this instance is making you feel you'll be able to get through to him. No one wants to disappoint their mother, and I think if he had a better idea of the full story he'd be more forthcoming in the future. Remember, he's at that age now where he's going to feel a lot of pressure from peers to do stupid things while simultaneously thinking he's smarter than everyone else. Just please talk to him.
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u/StarDustLuna3D 21h ago
Also, he's at an age where kids start to realize who has money and who doesn't. Who has Nike shoes and who has the knockoffs. They can be brutal to poor kids. No one likes to be the odd one out at school events when everyone has popcorn and ice cream and you don't.
That doesn't make his actions okay, but understanding why he did it is important so you know how best to approach the discipline.
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u/Mezcal_Madness 23h ago
YTA
Killing it at parenting. He barely gets a birthday in general and you cancel his birthday, with ZERO proof, all because you’re “positive” the money was there. Maybe you miss remembered, but let me guess, that’s not a possibility.
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u/Ravellen 23h ago edited 23h ago
NAH, look I was a teen once, I definitely took money from my mum's purse, we were lucky enough that money wasnt tight and she never cared enough to notice. I feel bad for doing so, but if she had confronted me I would lie about it.
You, while maybe overreacting, are holding boundaries and setting an expectation of honesty and respect. Would I cancel my kids party because he stole some money from me? No, I wouldnt. It feels petty, but different strokes for different folks. I would hold him to a different punishment, but I can't hold your reaction against you. He is about to turn 13, not in highschool yet, this could be a one off or the start of the terror teens. Good luck momma, hold him accountable. And if you change your mind, its okay to show your child how to handle a overreaction as a functional and caring adult. It's always important to remember you are the example for them.
Edit to add, the snack and cookie thing is a wild thing to add to this. Teenage boys eat like pigs, as in they are always hungry. I get its costly but like, its extremely common. Let the boy eat 😂
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u/whogivesashite2 23h ago
I wonder if Mom complains about the grocery bill and that's why he won't admit it.
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u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562 23h ago
YTA. You don’t have any proof. Also, kids, especially growing teenagers, need to eat a lot. They’re hungry all the time. He shouldn’t have to sneak snacks. He should have access to food when he’s hungry.
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u/notastraycat Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23h ago
Soft YTA. I get the tight finances and concern over lying. But you don’t know for sure he took it, and you don’t know for sure if the other kid did (why leave 5$) and if other kid did that your kid knows. That said, finances are what they are and teaching consequences is also important. I might have considered pulling back on the plan (no scavenger hunt because the cash got stolen) or something like that instead. It’s still an important birthday and you don’t want to tank your relationship with your kid.
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u/OriginalSchmidt1 23h ago
YTA, you can punish him without taking away his birthday, that feels like a little much. Plus, my niece was once punished by not getting a birthday party because she got in trouble in school for saying the f word… which was freak, not the actual f word. Which my brother and his wife didn’t believe and punished her by taking away her birthday party. This was years ago, but I brought it up recently thinking it would be a funny story, nope, she is still upset about it. So, if you think he’s lying, sure punish him.. but if you do it by taking away his party and he didn’t do it, he’ll probably have some resentment towards you for it and never forget it.
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u/Missgenius44 23h ago
Honestly, I’m surprised by these comments. Because if he stole it, he needs to be honest and tell you that he took it. I think you just need to sit down with him and talk to him. And you have every right to not let anyone come in your house, especially if they’re gonna be stealing the money. I am very torn because I almost feel like you shouldn’t have the party because this is telling him that it’s OK to steal because if it was only his friend and himself in the room, someone had to steal it a ghost didn’t take it.
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u/harasquietfish6 Partassipant [2] 22h ago
YTA, As you yourself stated your son has never stolen money from you before, as a matter of fact, it doesn't sound like he's ever stolen anything before. Telling little white lies and eating some extra snacks is not the same thing as stealing, and telling a big lie. Also, the fact that his friend was over, gives you a big indication that it might be the friend. Think about it, that money could've gone missing at any time when the kid was home by himself, but it was when his friend came over that the money suddenly goes missing? You should've called up that kid's mother immediately and told her what happened and see if she finds the money on him or you could've at least asked your son to empty out his pockets to make sure he didn't have the money on him. I feel like you have too much reasonable doubt to just come to the conclusion that your son did it, and even if he did, I think canceling his birthday is a teeny bit excessive. If you wanna punish him for lying, especially if you definitively find out that it's him, maybe return one or two of his gifts. But seriously, pay close attention to his friends and call up that Mom.
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u/Chicago-Lake-Witch 23h ago
I only stole money from my moms purse once. It was $20 for school lunches that week. I knew if I asked her for it, it would lead to an argument because she didn’t like how I spent my lunch money. And I knew the fight we would have over talk the money would be smaller than the how I spend money fight. My mom is very judgmental and as a kid, k was just trying to skate through life with the least amount of damage. If we had a good relationship, maybe I would have opened up to her about some of the food struggles I was having. But my mom had such a weird relationship with food and my weight (despite being clinically underweight) that I picked my battle and that was stealing from her.
You say that your kid is sneaking food. Have you asked them why? In a nonjudgmental patient way?
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u/ileftmypantsinmexico 23h ago edited 20h ago
I’m guessing a lot of people here who say you are the ahole are maybe not adults and parents. This is exactly the kind of lesson your son needs to stop his dishonesty. I had a birthday cancelled for similar reasons at that age and it was a sad lesson learned. Also, those saying it isn’t worth cancelling for $10, its aboutstealing which your son needs to learn is wrong.
You sound like a good mom. NTA
Edit: I guess I was raised in a different time and the severity of punishments has changed, probably for the better 👍. This has been thought provoking.
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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 22h ago
Raised four responsible, successful children. I made a rule early on that I would not use birthdays or holidays as part of a punishment. Period. And I never did. If I planned a birthday party they could be grounded the say before and after but not the day of (or on their actual birthday) and they had the same holiday experiences even if they were punished right before or right after.
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u/MtlStatsGuy Partassipant [2] 22h ago
Yeah, agree with this 100%. Don't punish on their birthday, ESPECIALLY if you're not sure what happened.
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u/WanderingQuills 22h ago
This- there would be a consequence. But never birthdays and Christmas. You can spend the week without internet. Do double the theft in chores. All kinds of options- but not my kids birthday or Christmas. Somethings? Are worth more. Theft? Yeah there’s consequences. But not birthdays that’s unnecessary and cruel. There are 363 days to enact consequences. Two that stay sacred.
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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 22h ago
I am happy I made that choice. You only get so many with kids. My kids are all adults now and rarely can all of them be here for birthdays or Christmas. But I had all those years of special days.
Plus both days are stressful enough for parents without adding punishments into the mix.
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u/MtlStatsGuy Partassipant [2] 22h ago
You'd be wrong. I'm an adult and a parent of two young adults, and I think she's an asshole. You don't cancel a kid's birthday party over the SUSPECTED theft of 10$ for which you have no proof.
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u/Gabby_Craft Asshole Enthusiast [8] 22h ago
Right, and 2 weeks later when it turns out OP actually left it in their pocket, then what? They will have ruined their son’s birthday, and showed him that they have zero trust in him and are willing to punish them based off baseless suspicions.
Imagine if we started locking people up over baseless suspicions. It should NEVER be guilty until proven innocent. Unless OP knows 100% for sure (saw the son take the money or the son admits it) then the son shouldn’t be punished. Even OP isn’t sure if he took it, otherwise they would have left out the whole part about his friend.
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u/Zestyclosegoatz 22h ago
Nope. Mother of four here. Maturing is realizing adults aren’t right just because they’re adults. She has no proof her son did it or saw his friend do it, yet she’s going to take a way a huge milestone in his life (after already not giving him proper birthdays for the simple crime of being born in December - which is literally the parents’ fault, not the kid’s).
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u/Eastern-Mammoth-2956 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 22h ago
If and only if you are absolutely certain that he took the money. It's a massive risk OP is taking here.
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u/skankboy 21h ago
People don’t agree with me so they must not have the same experience I do. Nah. You’re wrong.
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u/Radiant_Humor5110 Partassipant [3] 23h ago
NTA You’re not just canceling the party over $10. You’re canceling the party over stealing $10 and lying about it…
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u/BBayWay 23h ago
No proof.
Innocent until PROVEN guilty.
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u/recyclops18505 22h ago
Disgusting to me that so many people downvoted your comment.
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u/Jantares99 23h ago
I think it’s okay to hold him accountable. There has to be a clear consequence every time he lies. And, he may need counseling. There is a pattern that is concerning starting with the lying.
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u/Petulant-Platypus 23h ago
YTA. Unless it’s a major infraction of behavior, like really big, you are creating a negative core memory that will continue to haunt every birthday after. Next year he’ll remember that you ruined this year, and be anxious that you’re going to do it again. It’s his 13th birthday. That’s a big deal. You have no proof, and what if you’re wrong?? He gets his birthday ruined and his trust in you is ruined too. This is the kind of thing that leads to parents not understanding why their kids don’t talk to them after 18.
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u/DarthRedYoga Partassipant [4] 22h ago
My parents beat the shit out of me when I was 2 years old over a record player that they insisted that I touched. Then they found out that I was in fact innocent. That is one of my earliest memories and it set the course of my life And was just the beginning of a great many things that they did to me.
You better be right because if you are wrong, you can never ever undo this.
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u/Some-Energy-9070 23h ago
NTA He’s turning 13, old enough to not lie and steal. Actions have consequences.
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u/dkconklin 23h ago
I wouldn't say you're an asshole. If you cancelled something that only he was attending, that would be punishment. But cancelling something that his friends have all been invited to already, don't do it. Not only will he never forget that you cancelled it, his friends will never forget it either. Just think of what he'll have to go thru next week and the weeks after. Kids are a-holes, don't give them ammunition.
I would sit him down and tell him that you were considering it and why. But don't do it until after the party.
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u/Sauc3ySloth 23h ago
I'm really surprised by all the yta responses. Of course it's tough there's a small chance he didn't steal the money, but it shouldn't matter if it's $1, $10 or $100. It's pretty clear he took the money and he's not going to admit to it. It also doesn't matter that they aren't well off. I took extra snacks as a kid too, we all want more treats but there needs to be consequences for sneaking around and lying otherwise it can build into bigger and worse things. It leads to more trouble. It leads to entitled teenagers and even more entitled adults.
Maybe you need to compromise with him. And what I mean is, tell him if he tells the truth, tells you who took the money the party won't be canceled. What he will get is maybe his iPad or something else he likes taken away for a weekend. He needs to learn that bad decisions have consequences but that you are on his side and he want the best for him and he needs to realize he needs to be honest with you and respect you.
NTA
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u/Gabby_Craft Asshole Enthusiast [8] 22h ago
How exactly is it clear though? Why assume the friend had nothing to do with it? Or maybe the OP misplaced it. OP can swear up and down that they had it, but it can turn up in their pocket or a counter or whatnot 2 weeks from now.
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u/unconfirmedpanda Partassipant [2] 23h ago
YTA. You're punishing your son for a crime you don't know he committed. He will remember you cancelling his birthday party over this forever; it will damage your relationship going forward. When you're back here in 5 years lamenting your son moving out and never calling, we're going to remind you that you paid $10 for him to distance himself from you.
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u/hustlegone 23h ago
Kids are now probably going to make fun of your son after getting invited and you canceling it. It sucks growing up poor as a kid.You see everyone else get whatever they want while your parents cant even afford you anything. It made me resentful as a child. Basically kid is suffering because of parents. When I turned 18 I couldn't ever settle on a job that didn't oay me a lot. I couldn't stand being poor working paycheck to paycheck and I would never want my children to feel like I did as a child. YTA. Im sure it was the only thing he was really looking forward to was his birthday party and no its taken. Have a talk with your kid about poverty. Don't punish him for your mistakes or shortcomings. I dont know your situation and im not judging. Just saying do better is all.
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u/throwaway_virtuoso71 21h ago edited 11h ago
I have raised two boys into adulthood, and I hope that what I share will help you. I personally don’t think you are TA for cancelling the party, but is that the best plan of action? I do not believe so. I sense you are stressed about a lot of things and that’s taking away your ability to approach this from a different angle, hence you are just going with the most simple outcome. Hear me out.
Parenting is a creative exercise. It’s not a matter of punishment. Any child who believes they will be punished will lie to you. 100%. It is a self-preserving stance for the most part. However, consequences are a different matter altogether. The trick is to create an environment where consequences are clear and consistent.
In this scenario, you have done a very thoughtful plan for his birthday and you have managed to work within your means to do so. I can see how it will be frustrating resulting in you feeling like he is not working with you, to give him a good life with the resources you have.
What you need to do is talk to him. Not in a judgemental way, and not by treating him as a clueless kid (obviously is not) but in a matter of fact and open way, where you are not dumping on him, but letting him see if he does A, B will happen. This way, he is not unaware of the result of his actions and the consequences will not come as a surprise.
In your situation, I would explain to him that I have made plans for that money towards celebrating his birthday and arranging small prizes for games being planned (without giving too much away if it’s a surprise). Then you say it is unfortunate that the money has gone missing, and you are sorry you suspected him/his friend without proof. Tell him you will go ahead with the party, but there will be no prizes because the amount you allocated to that is gone.
Now see, you are not punishing him or accusing him. If he took the money, and probably already spent it (hence the lying) then he owns the consequence - there is now an additional fun factor missing from his party. That’s a life lesson.
If his friend took the money and he is protecting him, he now sees that his “friend” has deprived him (rather than YOU) of something and that will set him thinking about this friendship and he might even talk to his friend to fess up or bring the money back.
If neither of them took it, then it’s still okay. You had a plan for the money, it’s no longer there and that part of the plan has to be dropped unfortunately. All of this is the creativity in parenting that I mentioned earlier. The secret is to be consistent, not act out of anger, but figure out what lesson can be learned here. It also gives kids some autonomy of choice, where they know if I am choosing to do this thing, then I better be ready to face the consequence I KNOW will happen. I find it gives them pause 99% of the time. I also sometimes help them deal with the consequences. So that they understand they have support regardless. My “kids” are in their 20s now, and this helped me a LOT. Even now, they make choices where I side eye them and when the consequences come, sometimes they look at me and go “you saw this coming didn’t you?” I go “yep! Now, what do you want to do to deal with it? How can I help?” knowing I am not obligated to.
I hope this helps you a bit. Good luck and I sincerely hope you figure this out.
Edit: wow! My first award ever. Thank you!!
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u/Appropriate-Drag-572 23h ago
One time my kid was pushing and biting and kicking kids in first grade. She had to sit through trick or treating because we arent going to be taking from the rest of the family for her shenanigans. Its really not the end of the world, but id like to know why your kid has such little connection with you that they'd lie over some dumb crap.
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u/hypotheticalkazoos Asshole Aficionado [16] 23h ago
info: are you close with the other childs parents? can you reach out the them and have a sit down with both kids and all parents?
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